*stomps with Oliver and cuddles him too* It's fine if you say what's going on, we don't mind - if you need support, you need support, it's that simple. :) Like I said to Hels, it's okay to vent/rant about how you're feeling/doing. Please do. Otherwise I feel like I'm taking up wayy too much space with my whinging... er, I mean, expressing. Lol.

Umm, submitting means basically going under someone else's "rule" or orders. Like, with this situation, it would be submitting if I backed down, stopped being stubborn, and said, "Okay, I'll go to church with you, Jarrod, and I won't be all grumbly and whingy about it. I'll give it my best shot, and let you be the leader." Hope that explains it? In the Bible it says that women are supposed to follow their husbands like the early Christians followed Jesus, basically, and that husbands are supposed to treat their wives like Jesus treated the early Church (which is considered to be His Bride). So yeah. That raises a lot of people's hackles (including mine, at times anyway), but I don't want to get into any more religious talk on here in case that gets me in trouble. :-X Anyway... does that make more sense now? And no, you're not being dense, I probably just rambled on and didn't make much sense myself!! :P I do that a lot...

Updated my r/v thread again...

Oh, and we've tried having Jarrod in the room with me but right now he doesn't have any books to read and doesn't want to read any of mine (or something like that, I don't know)... even though he has in the past. I'll have to ask him about that tonight, to see if he'll be willing to be in the room whilst I sleep. Sounds awfully dumb, doesn't it... :( Sorry to be such a whingy baby...

*hides*

Oh and about my parents and my SI/bipolar stuff... we don't really talk about it. They know about it and they read some of my LiveJournal where I talk about it (I have a lot of filtered entries... lol)... but it stresses them out to know I'm suicidal or whatnot, so I don't tell them really until either 1) I go into hospital and need a ride [morbid lol] or 2) it's all over and I'm doing better. Hope that helps some...

ahhh ok I understand now thanks April.

thanks, I just dont want to keep going on about my gender issues stuff in here because it probably isn't the place and I shouldn't expect you guys to understand, but then a lot of that is linked to my depression and anxiety, I dont know, just feel stupid and guilty. OK I wont rant about what I really want to rant about because it will probably offend quite a few people in here and I do not want to do that, but grrrrr, I'm just bloody fed up of being seen as a piece of scum by certain people and especially scared when these people are in charge of nations or are MP's in my country. sorry will shut up now before I say something I'll regret

your not whinging like a baby April far from it *cuddles*

*hides in a mood*

Ohwell. Ignorance is bliss.

*cuddles you both*

oh and thanks for the replies about parents, I wasn't really planning on telling her I'm suicidal or anything just thinking say I've had some work deferred because I was diagnosed with severe depression a year ago and its getting worse again and so I'm not coping well

*cuddles Oliver* Sounds like a good idea to me xxx

Oliver: My illness started .. well to be honest when I was 12 years old in Grade 8 - the first year of High School here. My PE teacher called me out of a class of my peers and called me fat. I then began my trip to A.N. My mother worked it out fairly quickly and called in all sorts of help to get me back on track, and I was semi-fine until Grade 11 - 15 years of age. My mental illness started then and my parents were informed of some of it by the Guidance Counsellor at some point during that year. I can't be more specific 'cause the ECT I had in 2008 disrupted the referencing system in my brain. (Which is really irritating at times.) My parents and I talk about some parts of my illness and when the hospital was mistreating me they sought a Ministerial Injunction in 2004. Unfortunately I didn't trust the doctor and was extremely unwell, and as such could not speak to him. Now I have let them know what is happening with the complaint and so forth and they have decided that they couldn't care less. You won't know what the reaction is likely to be until you speak to them, however, if you have found them supportive before, it is probably highly likely they will be supportive. Sorry, I realise that's very long. My apologies.

Helen: *hugs you and holds you tight* I hope that things settle down between you and your mother my dear. *hugs you again*

April: I hope you and Jarrod can work out some kind of compromise. With the church, can you make it a "I'll go with you two weeks out of three" or something? Just asking. Please don't go invisible. We miss you.

Sorry, my memory isn't playing nicely today after no sleep last night so I can't think of who else there is to reply to. I'm really sorry, so I'll just leave *big hugs and cuddles* for those who can accept them and I'll *release a dozen butterflies into the garden* to brighten our day - figuring that by the time most of you read this it will be your daytime.

*cuddles everyone*

im sorry if i am not being very supportive lately. I actually am starting to get overwhelmed with the speed that this place is moving. I am thinking of all of you though, and i try to read everything.

afternoon all *hugs eveyone*

Thanxs Mark. My computer died when I was on last.

I hope all are doing okay.

*Hugs and comfy coushions for all*

anyone about

Laura: I know how you feel sweet, I'm so afraid of doing individual replies now incase I miss someone who's feeling really bad, but I have to try my best *feels guilty for not being good enough*

kahlia: *huggles* sorry your memories not doing good....mine's suffering in here too! it's so fast moving.

*waves at M.I.D/apples* sorry hun, your name has escaped me..*feels guilty*

*huggles all she's missed who want huggles, and leaves individual pressies of whatever everyone wans*

Julie: hi hun, i'm here. How are you? Hows Owen? he feeling any better since he was last out?

Helen : Im sorry that you are feeling low, and that you are 'done' with feeling low. It's not a nice place to be and I wish that I could do something to help to bring you out of it. It's a shame you are having trouble with your mum, it wasn't nice of her to threaten you with throwing you out. My mum used to do that a lot when we were little kids, but when I wanted her to as a teen she wouldn't budge! I'm sure she wasn't intentionally abandoning you hunny, I bet she's finding it really hard to cope with her daughter being ill, and feels pretty useless, so lashes out in frustration with not knowing what to do just as much as anything. I dont know, i'm theorising here, feel free to correct me if you think i'm miles off! *big huggles and a huge bunch of pretty flowers*

*Hugs Kahlia* thanks for all the info regarding parents and sh/mh, its really useful.
I hope you can get some better sleep tonight

*hugs Julie* you ok?

*hugs MID* how are you?

*hugs Kat* how are you?

*cuddles everyone who wants cuddles*
I'm off for the RYL Manchester meet in about 30mins, I will reply properly when I get back.

*Hugs April* You can do it . You CAN :)
*hugs Nicole* You will get through this , we here will do anything we can to help.
*Hugs Oliver* You are NOT a idiot , you are a very nice and talented guy , I wish you could see that too.
*hugs Helen* I'm sorry you had a argument with your mum , can you try to patch it up ay all ? I'm here to listen as always.
*hugs everyone else who wants them*
*Waves to Owen*
Sorry this isn't a longer post , I've only just managed to crawl out of bed in the last hour . SO HARD to wake up , I'm sleeping at least 12 hours a night but am still tired . sorry , it seems petty to whinge when some aren't sleeping at all.
Stomps off to read Aprils R/V thread .

*hides under a slab of concrete*

THAT can't be comfy ^^^ you ok?

Sneaks in and hides under a pile of blankets.not safe
not safe.today is way to much,want to cut really badly.
Damn it.

Sneaks in and hides under a pile of blankets.not safe
not safe.today is way to much,want to cut really badly.
Damn it.

*shakes head* 'm fine need hide dont want get caught on lap top

i dunno how i got this -------> Í

Oliver: *hugs* have a major headache from all the switchies resently, could do with a stable day without the others coming out.

Julie: *lifts slab of concrete and adds a comfy pillow before putting it carefully back down*

Mark: *hugs* g'afternoon. There's nothing wrong saying how you feel about your sleeping, if it's a problem for you we want to hear about it so we can support you. To be honest I feel worse after a better nights sleep, almost as if my body is going 'yay! sleep at last...more, must have more!"

Shadowed soul: *huggles* try to resist the urges hun, you can do it, you'll be alright. What is way too much for you today sweetie?

*pushes a note out* kat how old is ur baby

Why don't you wanna get caught on your laptop Julie?
*Hugs Shadowed Soul*

My suicidal feelings are getting more intense. I don't know what to do. I have been doing ok, I don't want to get back to the point where I landed in hospital (although I do long to be in hospital.)

How is everyone?

i'll get in trouble

I'm ok Lindsay Thanx , Not great but Not suicidal which is something . Just Constantly Numb , maybe I'm getting used to it :S I hope I don't have to , Still feeling *watched* though.
I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible *Offers huge hugs to Lindsay* I hope I got your name correct ?

Oh and Lindsay I totally relate with your longing to be back in hospital , I get that too sometimes , just so you know you're not alone in that ..

Good morning everyone... *cuddles for those who want them* :)

Mark, it's fine to talk about how you're feeling, how you slept, etc., because, well, it's summat to talk about and maybe other people can empathize. I know that I feel more tired after I sleep a long time than when I don't, but later I eventually get extremely exhausted if I only sleep a short time. (I hope that made sense!!) How's your day going so far? *cuddles*

Kat, I'm sorry you're so tired... how's the baby? :) Did she keep you up last night a lot? *cuddles*

Lindsay, I also understand the longing to be in hospital... things there are regimented, there's a routine you follow and you know what's coming next, everything's taken care of, you don't have to worry about who's going to make the meal or go grocery shopping etc., etc. I miss being there because I've met some of my most supportive friends in there. *gentle hugs* I hope that you feel better soon though & don't have to go in hospital, because it is crummy to have to go... I hope I'm making sense cos I feel like I'm not!! :(

Julie, how are you doing? *makes a hole under the slab of concrete and pushes a small box of hugs through* And are you still banned from the laptop then? :(

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you are so exhausted... hopefully you sleep tonight though... how else are you doing?? feeling any better? You sounded a bit more positive in your last post although that may be me being mistaken.

Laura, how are you doing? *big cuddles* I know, this thread is moving quite quickly and I'm lucky that I have access to a computer and time to spend on it to keep up with everyone!! I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed by it though... *more cuddles* How is school going? Just think, soon it'll be out for the summer. :) That's a happy thought, right?

I know I missed some people and I apologize... there are just so many people posting now that it's difficult for me to keep up with everyone. Oh well, I tried at least!!

Am feeling a bit muzzy headed as it took me awhile to fall asleep last night. Also got up earlier than we've been tending towards, 6am, not really that bad but I'm still exhausted. :( Pathetic I know... going to bed at 8:30pm & getting up nearly 8 hours later and still being exhausted.

Played WoW for awhile this morning and my pally dinged 73. I'm excited about that. And when she transferred servers, she brought her flying mount with her - YEY!!! - so she can fly in Northrend even though I don't have a level 80 on that server yet. Guess because my level 80 bought her that flying training on the other server, I can fly on this new server. Woohoo. :) Anyway, sorry for the WoW-talk... :-S Mark, speaking of which, do you know when you'll get the game? :)

I don't want to take that stupid 40 minute general education exit exam... we're supposed to take it for senior sem and I'm worried about it as I don't retain information well, other than what is in my major, and I'm scared that I won't do well on it. Oh well, it doesn't really matter as long as I take it - my "grade" on it doesn't affect my grade in senior sem. WHEW. And that's our final, so I don't have to worry really about studying or anything... I hope!! :-S

Listening to Delain, Mark. :D I can't wait until I get one or two of their albums... <3

*hides in a cardboard box in the corner* :(

*cuddles everyone*

Laura, I'm the same, the speed does overwhelm me and now we have so many members, I'm scared of forgetting someone!! Plus trying not to support too much, in order to save myself from worsening. So I can relate to your post so much *squishes*

Kat, it's not a nice place to be indeed. Wish I could do something to get out too. Me & my Mum seem to be better so far today. So hopefully it's passed. I think she's just took all her stress about work, money, our house, etc out on me. She really is worried/stressed about it & can't blame her. I've not been diagnosed with anything, so can't say that I'm ill...but I know I'm not fine. If that makes sense? *accepts flowers and gives big hugs back*

*wants real cuddles*

My day is going ok :) nervous that someting will come along to wreck it and also I wish my day was GREAT not just ok , so selfish.
The fair is in town rides and candy floss ( Cotton Candy ) and such.
It's a Bank holiday here today April so no post until tommorow and Amazon haven't sent me a message saying it's been shipped , delivery estimate is 7th - 11th May , I'm all nervous about it .

Soon I wil know what this means , so complex :S
*huggles to everyone who wants them*

Yeah, that makes sense. Same here. My GP diagnosed depression way back when I was 15, before the second major trauma, since then I've kinda picked that label when asking for help and hidden behind it, you know? Except I know i'm mentally ill, because the things I think and feel arn't normal. Well maybe they are for someone traumatised, but you know what I mean.

*huggles Lindsay* I almost feel like wanting to be in hospital too, if only for a break from daily doings. I'm sorry that you feel this way. *gives you magic flowers*

*hugs april* She was really good last night, eventually. took 2 hours to get her to settle, and I stupidly stayed up until midnight again, goodness knows why. No desire to go to bed and get woken up. I've gotta get over this silly anxiety.

Julie: Hazel is coming up for 8 months old.

*hugs mark* You are not pathetic, or whingy, or moany, or whatever ever self-degrading description you used in your last thread (wish i could remember but hubby is stressed and cursing about and baby is whinging for extra attention because he forgot to feed her)*cuddles more* stop thinking like that. Your feelings are valid.

I just wrote a letter to my first abuser..now I've just got to get the courage to post it on the letter's thread. *cheekily asks for supportive cuddles*

*Supportive Cuddle for Kat*

thanks mark. i edited just as you posted...

Thanx Kat. It means a lot to have people gee me up from time to time . I think I refered to myself as Selfish .:S
I'd like to go out to the fair but I skirted by it earlier and it is PACKED with people . Crowds make my anxiety worse so I'm in 2 minds ,hmm

yeah, you did. And it's not true mark, not at all. a fair? ohh. what type? what can you achieve by going? thanks for the cuddles, i posted *sighs* i feel a bit better for letting those feelings out.

A fair , they have like ball toss games , and rides and candy floss , it's taken up all of the town I think ,the sun is (Sorta) out which means it will still be packed, I would like to go check it out but so many people is anxiety provoking.

ooh candy floss is the best reason I can see there! Is there anything you can do to conteract the anxiety?

Well I could take a preemtive Diazepam but I shoulden't take them unless I NEED them and I've been taking too many recently but not for a few days. Oops went off on a tangent . I don't want to get anxious and have to calm down ,I'd rather stay calm , if that makes any sort of sense ?

*hugs everyone* hope your all doing ok today?. and mark- go to the fair if you want to! just try it, and if you get even a little bit anxious, leave. if its anything like the fair near me, it is packed with kids in the day time, but even MORE packed with adults/teenagers at night, so day is probably best.-oh, plus the fair by me is the largest street fair in the uk :/ lol

i agree with you there on the diaz, my dad uses it. best to stick clean if you can, well done for doing so for a few days. makes perfect sense. staying calm is definately good. are there any other methods you can use? maybe like rationalising before you go?

*hugs nicole* doing alright, thanks for asking. Just posted a letter to my 1st abuser, getting those feelings out helped. I never knew i had some of that in me. need to do the others now.

I'm gonna go and walk to the fair via the Canal , maybe going past the water and ducks and ducklings will help, and I'll put on my headphones , music always helps (Almost always). :S

thats a good idea mark. just enjoy the trip out.

Well I'm back , it did make me a tad anxious so I didn't "participate" with any fair type things but at least I went out and got by without having to take a Diaz which is a good thing . I've been up all of 5 hours and feel I need a nap , but then I'll struggle to sleep tonight and oversleep again. Decisions Decisions.....

Well done, Mark, on going to the fair!! :D That's awesome... I totally get why it would be anxiety provoking... church yesterday was anxiety-provoking because of all of the people there and it wasn't even packed. You should be proud of yourself - especially for not taking a benzo to get through. :) You did it ALL BY YOURSELF!!! *throws confetti in the air and dances with Mark* lol... sorry... am happy for you though. It doesn't matter that you didn't do any of the "fair activities," you went, got out of your house and braved the crowds. :) OH, and you are NOT NOT NOT selfish!! not even close. *cuddles*

*cuddles Kat* And well done on you, too, for having written and posted the letter to your first abuser!! That's definitely an accomplishment... am proud of you as well, if that means anything. :D I know how hard that can be... haven't written letter(s) to my abusers yet, but I know I will eventually, I just have to come to a place where I feel more comfortable doing it... or maybe I just need to jump in and do it, I don't know, as I don't know if I will ever get to a place that is a comfortable one for doing that - it's a very UNcomfortable thing to do - so yeah. Does that make sense? :-S

It's an icky day here... warmish, so I've got shorts on (and a Jacob tshirt from Twilight... lol) and a pair of my awesome Hot Topic shoes (black with tiny neon green stars all over them and pink laces)... but it's rainy and just YUCK. :(

Went to the dentist's - had an appt this morning - and turns out that two of the fillings done, one in 1998 and one in 2001, need to be redone... 40 minutes per each!! EEEK. I hate fillings. :( I also need to have my wisdom teeth out as the ones in the bottom are coming in funny... why oh why couldn't I have NORMAL teeth?!!? :'( So on Friday I go for my first filling, and then next Friday I go for my second. Fun. :'(

I feel so lonely and so damn unmotivated to get anything done. :'( Stupid life of mine... I'm trying to work on my soc study guide - and I found out that currently I have an 88.7% in advanced counseling - a B+, so I'm REALLY hoping that I can pull it up to an A- or something... but really, a B+ isn't that bad. :-S I'm just worried - to death - about the final. :'(

*hides in a dark invisible hole* :'(

Updated r/v again... and I spy you, Kat!! :D *cuddles*

Mark: *hugs mark with a big grin* well done! did it feel good to get out with out the diaz? and to go to a crowded place like that?! *dances with mark and april*

April: *cuddles* Yeah, I know how uncomfortable it is. You'll do it in your own time sweetie. It's been 12 years since the abuse with him ended, so it took me a far old while to reach the plunge point. I guess I never decided that the time was right, or why it was, I just took the plunge because I had feelings I wanted to get out, and it seemed like a good way. I was worried it would open up a real pandora's box of feelings that i wouldn't know how to deal with, but I was already feeling rough anyway, so i figured it wouldn't make much difference. I feel better for doing it, so I guess i did get the time right. weather's cold here, bright and cold. always is for mayday! I hate dentists so i'm going to give you a huge huge hug *huggles tight*. b+ is good, really good. I'm sure you'll do welll.

*Hugs April and Kat and dances around with them in the confetti*
April , Ugh I'm sorry to hear about your dentists trip :( *Makes April some hot choccy to sooth*

sorry im so stressed out today,just want to curl up into
ball and hide.bloody mangers putting me on customer
service desk.its so messy and busy can't cope,havnt cut
yet,but I so want to. =[

*Hugs Shadowedsoul* I know it sucks to be so stressed but you can get through this without S.I. Make yourself a hot bath . Or have a cup of Camomille tea . Or listen to some music , calming to help you calm , or angry so you have somthing to scream along with . Also you can talk here too :)