Franz, I could take a nap but I need to be heading to uni shortly as I've classes today & that would mess me up bigtime. So tired though... hope I don't fall asleep IN class!! :-X That would be bad. Oh, & read your r/v thread... definitely a scary dream!!! *snuggles next to with a fleece blanket*

Helen, glad things are looking up... but what's getting worse about it all? *cuddles*

Don't want to go to uni!!! *resists the urge to have a temper tantrum* Heh... really don't want to go I guess. :( Wish I enjoyed it, but I don't. Not at all.

But I am having coffee out with a friend today... so that ought to be something I look forward to, right? :-/

Just wrote in my r/v thread... :-X

*hides in the darkest corner & takes a catnap*

Well the situation that's really upset me past couple of days is much better :) Another situation or two is getting worse. I didn't make that clear, sorry :(

It's okay, Hels. *holds you gently* Care to talk about it, through PM or posting or whatever?

I'm at uni now... gggurgh. I parked in my favorite parking lot but a lot further away from where my classes are than I prefer. Then just as I was walking down the lot towards the buildings, a car pulled out of a space that I would've loved to have. Perfect, lol. I didn't have a chance to nab it either so I have an extra-long walk tonight. Oh well... *sigh*

Am so hungry but don't think it's real hunger. I think it's me wanting to binge. Stupid brain.

*sigh*

At least I am going out to have coffee with Cara... we can have a nice chat & something warm to drink, although I promised my husband I'd get summat inexpensive as we are low on funds. Grrrr. Oh well, white hot choc doesn't cost too much.

*hides*

*hugs franz* nightmares are awful. Hope you are feeling better.

*hugs helen* glad that things are looking up. Its okay that u dont explain much.

*hugs april* have fun having coffee with your friend. Sorry that your so tired and hate uni. I hate uni too sometimes... Especially on tuesdays.. like today. I wish i had a snow day.. everywhere around me is closed but my university doesnt close for anything.

I really do feel like i should be stronger than i feel right now. I am freaking out about everything.. not like loudly or anything.. just in my head. But still, its not like anything horribly tragic is happening.. its just a bunch of little things and i just idk. I dont want to hold on much longer. I want to feel different, better i guess/normal? whatever that is. I wish somebody could explain what normal feels like. I guess i cant understand it like other ppl can't understand what goes on in my head. Ranting sorry.. ill be quiet now.

Hi all.

I'm doing much better on the flu front today, got a bit more energy which is nice. Had a really long conversation with my boyfriend last night where he basically said that he understands he hasn't been supportive in the past and he's going to make an effort to try and understand where I'm coming from a bit more. I was really happy at first but now I kinda feel like I don't have to try so hard not to cut because he won't be so angry with me if I do... I'm such a bitch. He's doing everything he can to help me and I'm just turning around and being selfish. I still haven't cut which is good I suppose, but the urges are even stronger now. It makes no sense what so ever. I am so angry with myself.

*cuddles everyone who wants cuddling*
*hides in the corner*

*

I wish I hadn't tied my emotional life to the snow. Gah, so emotional right now. In high school and into college the weather was my "in" to meet new friends and stuff. I know thats weird... but thats what did it. Now my friends have abandoned me but still want my snow/weather forecasts. Thats all I am good for apparently nowadays, nothing else. Just so lost right now. Aimless drifting. Sigh.

I am going to sit in the corner so I can try to hide from everything and everyone cause they don't seem to care

in answer to all (as i'm not up for writing individually or answering longly...) too much. not too much of any specific thing just too much in general. everything is so little but it all makes for something huge.

*cuddles Franz* nightmares are horrible, but remember it not real.

*cuddles April* Well done for getting some uni work done, sorry you still have a cold, hope it gets better soon, hope you have a good time having coffee with your friend.

*cuddles Laurastar* sorry your having a tough time at the moment, you dont need to be sorry for ranting, its good to get stuff off your chest sometimes.

*cuddles Ayla* glad your feeling better on the flu front, glad your bf is going to be more supportive and well done on not cutting, but I'm sorry there are stong urges there.

*cuddles Yoda bear* (sorry dont know your name) we care about you, sorry your going through a tough time at the moment.

*cuddles Crimson* sorry everything is getting too much

I'm not doing good, just been asleep most of the day, think its to do with my meds dosage being up'd. just feeling so depressed and crap.

Ugh, I am so tired... just want to sleep & sleep & sleep. :(

*cuddles LauraStar* I understand what you mean, kind of, not 100% 'cause I'm not you, but I've been there. A lot of small stressful things can build up into a huge big anxiety attack. It sucks horrifically but I'm sure that you can handle it... you are stronger than you know, beautiful. Please hang in there & keep going, despite the fact that it's so difficult at times. I also wish that someone could explain what "normal" feels like... because I can't remember ever feeling anything that qualifies as such. I've always been up & down (as long as I can remember, anyway), and in the past 7 or so years, have been mostly dysthymic. :( But, enough about me... how are you feeling now?

*cuddles Ayla* I understand, also, what you mean when you say that now that your boyfriend says he will try to be more understanding of how you feel, you want to cut more because he won't yell at you. That's how it got with my husband at one point - he practically gave up trying to stop me from cutting. I'll admit it, I was "excited" at first but then realized how much I hurt him every time I cut. So I stopped cutting as best as I can - still get the stubborn urges every month or so, so I still have fresh scars, but it's gotten a lot better. :) Anyway, sorry, ramble!! Glad you're feeling better from the flu too; that's good.

*cuddles Yoda if that's okay?* I don't know you & I don't know your situation (very well anyway) but I care about you. People on this site care about you... I'm sure that people IRL care about you, even if you don't realize it.

*cuddles Crimson* I have had too much too... it's like... come on, lighten up, please... there's too much in my head, in my life. I hate it. Wish that I could just quit life. Ah well. Mustn't do that. :-/ Hope you (and I, and all of us!!) feel better soon...

*cuddles Oliver* What med's been upped? Hopefully it didn't get too much in the way of your uni work. :( I like sleep but it's frustrating when you don't get that sense of accomplishment of getting things done, I don't know. Maybe that's just me, heh. Sorry that you're so depressed & all... anything I can do?

*hides from the world*

*cuddles everyone* - Sorry for the lack of individual replies ... I'm just not having a good day and really not coping too well. I just feel like locking myself in my room ... well shutting the door and putting something heavy infront of it so it can't be opened from the outside because I can't actually lock my door.

My housemate suggested today that I write a book about my dealings with both sides of the MH system over the past 12 years. I asked him to read the post where I discussed my research in my thread and he commented that the writing style was impressive. He was suggesting naming names where required - like the tdoc I was given years ago through the public health system who never got to know the real me, continuously repeated using therapies that weren't working and at the finish lied about how long she had been seeing me for (she added an extra 18 months), or the current Director of Mental Health who continuously mis-diagnosed me (for BPD you must meet 5 of 9 criteria ... I meet 1 - according to the DSM IV).

I don't know how I feel about the idea ... He also was including the years I spent in the private system and how in the private system you are treated as a person, an individual with emotions/feelings/etc and in the public system you are a number : 384555 (that's my UR number).

*shrugs*

I think that's an awesome idea, Kahlia. :) Best of luck with getting awareness spread etc... someone needs to do it & hopefully having a goal set will help you with feeling like you're accomplishing something. What's UR stand for? might be a stupid question but atm I can't think of what it would be. *cuddles*

Am doing shitty... stomach is a little upset, I think from all of the fiber I've had recently but I can't help worrying that it's another stomach bug. Prayers/good wishes/etc. would be appreciated that I don't get sick immediately again after being ill with this cold (which is still hanging about :( sucky).

I have a TON of work to do tomorrow before classes start at half past noon... and I have to be on campus around 11:30... so I need - NEED - to do a lot of work tomorrow. I am struggling to keep up in senior sem with all of the busy work etc., and I don't know what to do about that. I can't ask for extensions as I don't really want "special treatment" due to being mentally ill (and physically ill, come to think of it)... I just need to manage my time better. Thing is, the time that I don't spend doing schoolwork is spent on WoW or reading or writing emails to friends, etc., and it's time that I need, in order to stay semi-sane. ARGH!!! So frustrating!!! :crying:

*retreats into the denial tent to hide from reality* :(

*cuddles Kahlia* good luck with all that you are doing on awareness spreading, its a really good thing to do.

*cuddles April* sending good wishes for your stomach feeling better soon and you don't get sick. It sucks having a lot of work to do, I know you said you don't want to ask for extentions, but if your're struggling its not a bad thing and doesn't show weekness, I get a week extension for my essay work at uni if I need it, it just takes the pressure off slightly. We all need time to do other things other than work, so don't be too annoyed that you have that time, its good that you do.

Its my anti-depressants that have been upped, when I first went on them I was getting similar side effects to what I am now, so it probs is just because I am now on a higher dosage, but yeah its annoying when I just end up sleeping all day. Theres nothing you can do, but thanks for the offer.
Was watching a programme earlier called I hate mum, about 2 families where they have a son who is verbally and physically violent to their mum, but they went to therapy and stuff and both showed signs of improvement, even though still a long way to go and one of them was talking more to his mum about like feelings and how he is doing and stuff. I just felt really upset because me and my mum don't really talk about anything like that, we talk about loads, like her job and random everyday things, but never about really important stuff and it really upsets me. I guess we're both to blame, I don't talk to her about my depression, anxiety, gender problems, she doesn't takl to me about her MS, but I wish we would.
sorry I've rambled on for far too long.

April - I believe UR stands for "universal record" - That's how we are referred to in the public system basically .... Thanks for the cuddles *hugs you back*

Oliver - I'm not sure if I've said hello before, so hi and welcome *waves*. *hugs you back*

On the book idea ... my housemate reckons that the Queensland Government will try and have it banned or destroyed - somehow removed from public viewing - which could be interesting...

I just think people need to be aware of what is actually going on - that the atrocities that occurred in psych history have not just disappeared ... that they just go on more quietly.

Kahlia~ If they ban it in Aussie could you publish through someone out of country? Raise awareness to the world instead of just your own area?
Just thinking outside the box...

*goes back to hiding in self inflicted solitude*

A_M: That's a definite possibility ...

*cuddles everyone*

*hugs everyone*
I am so hungover....well no. i think i'm still drunk. i broke my phone last night and i've just missed a lecture. shiiiiiiiiit

*cuddles everyone*

I feel like *****. I went to a place this morning called the Mental Illness Fellowship of North Queensland to put in an application form to join one of the programs that they run. I was told (in no uncertain terms) that I was to leave because of their procedures which required an interview. That was fine in itself and was also expected .... HOWEVER .... the staff member that was talking to me was tactless, rude and treated me like I was lower than the dirt under her feet. My housemate, who was a member and had encouraged me to become the same, has decided because of the way I was treated that he is no longer going to participate, and I've pretty much decided the same way.

The crisis team called me tonight and I asked them for twice weekly contact ... they've told me that I should be the one to initiate this so I should ring them on Friday or Saturday. Meh.

Good morning, everyone...

*cuddles Oliver* I know what you mean, my mum & I rarely talk about things that are really & truly important. I think it's because they - the important things, like life with a mood disorder/eating disorder/anxiety/etc., are too scary for her to really cope well with, even though she struggles with similar. Maybe the same for your mum? maybe her MS scares her to talk about, & maybe she cares about you so much that your troubles - which she can't solve - scare her too? Just a thought. *more cuddles* How're you doing this morning?

*cuddles LauraFriend* I wish I could help you, sweetie. You know you've got a problem with the drinking... it's up to you to quit drinking (as much, anyway)... and I'm sorry that you broke your phone & missed a lecture. *gentle hugs* Sorry if any of that sounded harsh. :-/ Didn't mean it to.

*cuddles Kahlia* I agree with Crimson (a_m) - maybe spread the awareness around the globe instead of just in Queensland, where a lot of people probably already know how shitty the care is. If you get the book written, send it to a publisher(s) outside Australia. :) How're you feeling this morning? (or night, rather) and I'm sorry how you got treated at that meeting... stupid people!! :(

*cuddles Crimson* How're you doing, love?

*cuddles everyone that she might've missed* How're you all doing? LauraStar, Helen, Franz, Ayla, anyone else that I missed? ♥

I just got up... early I know - 5:40am - but I wanted time to go on WoW then do schoolwork... urgh. It's snowing here & I'm desperately hoping that my night class is cancelled... *crosses fingers* Heh, I doubt it but it might be. Later, anyway, as my prof for that class has to drive quite a ways (okay, 15ish miles, not huge compared to some of the profs who drive ~75 miles - one way!!). It's not cancelled as of yet, I just checked... but if the snow keeps up today... it might be. Don't get me wrong, I like the class, it's just that it goes SO LATE!! (for me) 9pm... urgh... and then have to get a shower when I get home... and want to wind down a little before bed... so yeah. Yuck.

I has a snuggly kitty on my lap, so kitty snuggles are up for dibs!! :D He's drooling on me a little though, just so you know... lol. He's so much like a puppy... :P

Anyway. Sending cuddles to everyone... *sigh*

<3333

*hugs to everyone* Thanks for all of your support. :') Love love love....

Feeling better than yesterday. The screams and crying in my head have stopped. o.O