*squishes tight* wish i had some amazing wisdom to bestow, but just know i'm ALWAYS here <3

*cuddles april* I'm sorry that your parents were being like that and that jared is not very supportive. Wish I could do more but I am around if you need to vent.

*hugs lia, jill, and heather*

I don't want to be here anymore. Can I please give up?

Cuddles all, erm last night was so crazy, may have done somthing stuiped once again. hey what's new there. It all seamed to fall apart last night. Curls up in corner under a blanket hopping now one see her.

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs everyone else on the ward*

I finally crawled out of bed (almost literally) a little while ago. Why is it SO hard to get up? Depression and meds I know :S argg!! Maybe I'm just lazy :(

I don't know if I even exist anymore .... I think I may not. My birthday is next Sunday and I had to chase my mother to see if we were doing anything (just as a note my sisters birthday is the day after so we usually get together for one celebration for both birthdays and nothing had even been mentioned nor planned until I mentioned it .... and I suggested making it compatible with my sisters schedule as she's the hardest of the two of us to suit and then there's been nothing since!!).

Maybe I'm just invisible .... or maybe I'm a figment of someone's imagination. Or maybe just a crash-test dummy torture device to see how much a human mind can stand being ignored.

I don't know. Is it even worth it. Is any of it worth it. Maybe it's just time to give in

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry you are being ignored :( You are most definatley not invisible . Please don't give in , that last sentance has worried me quite a bit , you are worth tons and don't deserve to be treated like this *Squishes*


I have to go out to pay my water bill now , *sigh* I don't really want to leave the flat I'm mentally drained despite not being up long .

*curls up and grumbles frowning*

Whats up Julie? *Hugs*

G'morning all... *cuddles*

Thanks for the support, Heather & Laura. Thing is, Jarrod IS being supportive, but not in the ways that my parents could be if they only OPENED THEIR EYES and saw what's going on with their daughter. Or thought to ask the right questions. I had a good ol' bawlfest last night about it. :( So when I went to bed my eyes felt swollen and dry. Ugh.

Kahlia, hon, you're not invisible here, I promise. *hugs gently* You're gonna be okay... things will get better. Remember, it can't rain all the time. I'm sorry that you feel invisible & ignored though... that has got to bite. :( <3

Jill... what's up, sweetie? what "something stupid"? :( *cuddles*

What's up, Julie, love? *cuddles*

Mark, how are you doing today? <3 *cuddles*

And for everyone whom I didn't mention... *CUDDLES!!!* :P

:notsure: just stuff *yawns and rubs my lower back*

thats how my eyes feel

I'm drained still April *Hugs* I don't know what to do with myself , I've got to figure out what to eat for dinner and even that seems like a chore , probably end having pasta , that takes the least efforst to cook . LAZY!. I just wan't to sleep:S A wheel just came off my chair , now I'm balancing on 4 wheels . Nuts .

What kind of stuff Julie?

cuddles all. april its noithing to worry about, all is good.

afternoon/morning/evening all

I had a brilliant day yesterday, except the homophobic attack, me and my friend got at about 5.30am while walking to the coach station.
But London was awesome, it was my first ever protest march and can't wait for my next, also especially getting to see and hear Richard Dawkins and Peter Tatchell speak was so amazing.

*cuddles you all*
will do replies when my friend has gone home

Today I have no idea what to say, but I wanted to post and leave hugs. *hugs*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Oliver* I'm glad you had such a cool time , shame about the Homophobes though :S

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs all*

April, I know how you feel. No one IRL has any idea. They see a cheerful, sarcastic girl with a good sense of humour and a laid back approach. These are the things that no one knows.

I've been a self harmer on and off for three years.

I feel ucomfortable typing this with the door open, so shall go and shut it.

I'm still a harmer.

I carry a bottle of 82 pills with me and blade at all times, just in case.

Someone told me I was the happiest person they had ever met and I almost cried.

I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago.

I cry when no one's watching.

I take comfort in the people that live inside my head, even though I know they aren't real.

There's only one person who has ever made me feel like I'm good enough.

I feel so worthless I often want to die just to be free from myself.

I am good for nothing.

I push people out but sometimes wish they'd push back.

I believe in God because sometimes my faith is all I have.

I laugh so I won't cry.

I have a past that I can't talk about.

I feel so pathetic for letting it get to me so.

I'm scared of the ice queen becoming me.

If I told anyone all of that, they would laugh in my face. They'd think I was joking. They have no idea. Here though, I feel safe admitting 'me'. That's who I am, the person above. The one I keep hidden. But I'm also the one I display to the rest of the world. I'm the happy person- sometimes.

big bear hugs lia, wish i could do more. cuddle everbody else.
im so scared right now, please make monday go away please. curls up in a tight ball and trys to stop shaking. =[

*Hugs Jill* What's going on Monday?

*Hugs Lia* You're NOT worthless Lia , far from it.
I too carry a blade with me in my wallet "just in Case"
What really worries me is that you attempted to kill yourself recently , Have you talked to anyone IRL ? A Dr or nurse? Maybe even phone the Samaritans they will always talk to you .
Here if you need :)

Lia, sweetie, I'm concerned for you. I wish that you would've come on here to talk with us or called someone instead of attempting... we're here for you, love. Always. I think that people think I am a happy person as well, so I know how you feel. Heh. Things will be okay... I just don't know how long that they will take to GET to being okay. But you will successfully make it through this - you've got to believe that, and I've got to believe that, because you're a likeable person and I/we would HATE to have something happen to you. :( I know it seems selfish of us at times to want you to keep living when all you want to do is die (at times at least)... but, well, maybe you'll be able to see it from our point of view someday. *hugs gently* I will continue to be concerned about you though... :-S Wish that I could be there for you whenever you needed to talk (whether or not you realize it :P), like a genie in a bottle. Hehe. :)

Mark, how are you doing now? Still feeling kind of blah and ick? *cuddles*

Jill, what's Monday?? Worried about you, too... *hugs*

Jarrod and I had a nice morning and for a little while I was feeling able to take on the world... now, though, it's more like... I don't know, really tired and meh. :( *sigh*

*hides in the warren where no one can find her* :-S

No I haven't, and dw about it, it was a rubbish attempt. I only took about 4 pills before I gave myself a kick up the arse.

Oh and April, I hope you feel better soon *hugs* same goes for you, we're here for you if you want to talk and feel free to click on the PM button.

*Hugs April* I spent from 1pm to 4.20pm ish in bed only getting up to change the CD . I feel low and numb :(

*Hugs Lia* Please come on here or reach out in any other way you can think of if you feel like you are going to attempt again Lia , like April said we would all be SO upset were anything to happen to you :S

*Hugs Mark* I'm sorry you're feeling low. You can talk to us if you feel it would help or if you get any urges. Please try to resist if you do.

Thanks guys. I know I can trust you lot on here, it's just that if everyone has their own problems, I don't want to burden them with mine too.

erm monday is when i find out the conquese of my stuiped mistake. im so scared as i think its going to be really bad. why im i such a screw up? and why do i keep doing this to myself. im so close to the edge, hanging on by my fingertips. =[

I'm sorry Jill I hope it all goes ok for you. You're not a screw up, everyone makes mistakes and it might not have even been your fault. I don't know what it was, so I can't say for sure, but you're not a bad person. Please do keep hanging onto that edge. We're all here to help you.

*Hugs Lia* Thankyou Lia :) I'm going to try really hard to not injure today.

Also , You won't be burdening us by telling us your problems , we are here and we want to help if we can :)

hugs mark:please stay safe
hugs april: try not to worry about me okay
hugs lia. erm part of me doesnt want to hang on. part of me wants to fall.cant handle much more. =[

*hugs lia, april, mark, jill, lindsay, oliver, and everyone else*

sorry...
*fades away*

*Hugs Laura*

Thanks Mark *hugs back* i really need hugs today. I've got to pull it together for my interview and work this afternoon.

*Hugs Laura* Good luck with work and the interview.

*Hugs Jill* I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm sorry I can't make it any better, but it won't feel like this for ever. You have to cling to that.

*Hugs Laura Loads* Best of luck with work and your interview :)

Thanks Mark, I know I can come here, I just don't feel right giving out my own problems when what you all need is support, not more on your plate.

thanks lia, i hope your right. curls up and shuts eyes hoping thses stuiped thouhts will go away.

I'm so, so low. I don't want to accept that I have BPD (I only found out on Friday when my medical records that I requested came through, no one thought to tell me.) I should have recognised the symptoms. I do anything to avoid abandonment, my SI has gotten worse, and I have overdosed 11 times this year. My psychologist kept hinting that I might have it but I know that he knew because there was a letter sent to him when I was diagnosed.

That sucks Lindsay , you SHOULD have been told when you were diagnosed . I'm sorry you had to find out like that and that you are so very low :(

*hugs everyone*
I harmed last night. At my grandparents house. With my brother asleep mere feet away from me. What the heck is wrong with my brain anymore?

I need to try to write more in my blog about everything going on in my head that's bothering me, but it's exhausting.

Am I allowed to give up yet?

Anyway, I took some pics with my brother this weekend, since I never see him anymore.

I miss him already... again.

I'm sorry you harmed Felicia *Hugs* Theres nothing wrong with your brain , it just sounds like you were very very triggered.
No you can't give up yet ,please hold on :)
You and your brother look like you are having bunches of fun though , thats so cool :-)

Eh, yeah. I worked an auction Saturday evening for my grandparents (they're auctioneers) and it always really triggers me, cause no matter my job, I can't keep up. But at least I get money, I suppose.

I'm holding on, but everything keeps piling up and I can't even explain it.

And yeah... we were super bored on the way to church this morning. Yay for my grandparents living out in the country! So... to keep us occupied, we took pictures and tried to make Star Wars parodies of songs on my ipod.

Well I'm going to go to bed , I've spent much of today there but I hope I'll sleep well and feel brighter tomorrow .

Star wars parodies ! sounds fun :) *Hugs*

*Spots and hugs Kahlia and Oliver*

I got a voulenteer place with kitties, can do whatever I want with them and due to previous experience in a vets with the quarrantine and isolation ward I might be able to work with less healthy more attention hungry kitties, so excited about it. Mums annoyed at me because I'm going to go with kitties and that I won't see my nan friday, even though I decided missing a 2h tea friday is better than missing 8h Saturday or 4h Sunday with my family, but no. Apparently Sunday would be better. *sigh* I'm just glad I'm able to do this, it should be really good for me to get to help people out, and cats out. Might get a place talking to the public too after a few weeks, which would be lovely. I really do crave a career in animal care but I'll never be a vet and after years of mum telling me I must go into a well paid job there's not much else, most animal care jobs are like 15k per year... I don't know what I want to do really, just got this degree to get through first.

cuddles all. nevermind being stuiped

curls up and crys

*Hugs Jill tightly* Do you want to talk about it honey?

I need to know something. Why can no one else see it? I am covered in dirt, it's all over me. I'm a monster. A disgusting, horrible, worthless monster but no one else can see it. They all think I'm nice, caring, but I'm not. I screw up people's live and try time and time again to tell them what I really am before it's too late but no one believes me and I don't understand it. How come no one else can see it?

hugs lia tighly back. erm got really stuiped thoughts running through my head. erm want to go to sleep and not wake up. please =[ sorry

I'm sorry you're feeling so low Jill. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Please try not to do anything stupid. I'd miss you. *Leaves jar or hugs for later.*

Lia, sweetie, you aren't what you say you are. I know that my telling you that probably won't do diddly-squat but... I do believe that you are kind, caring, thoughtful, & sweet... no matter what you think of yourself. I have seen no signs, none whatsoever, of you being a monster. I just hope that someday you can see you the way that I see you. *cuddles* How are you doing tonight??

Jill, don't do anything stupid, please? We would all miss you if you did... although that being said, I do understand the desire to not be here anymore. :( It hurts... and is scary... but you can work through it. *hugs*

Sorry for not replying to more of you... except *big hugs* to Laura, since you said you needed them. <3 And *cuddles* to everyone to whom I didn't reply, so sorry. :( I wish I had the energy to do epic replies but lately, been totally lacking in energy of any sort. :( Sorry. :'(

Past 3 nights I've cried (including tonight). Feel so stupid doing so, like I'm weak etc., etc., etc. WTB additional parents. :( Probably some of you all do too. Sorry to whinge on about this, it's just that it hurts.so.damn.much and I'm not quite sure how to get over it. :'( Probably gonna update my r/v with my sorrows and woes so you all don't have to put up with it here. :-/

*hides in the warren where no one can find her*

hugs everbody, sorry this isnt fair, forget i said anything.