Hugs lia and April. Not really sure what triggered me off.wish I could stay out of my mums way but I need to go out with my perents today. Hmm I'm walking around like a zombie that's mabye why there hasn't been
Any arguements because imjust giving in to my mum today. =(

I'm worried that i'm going to overdose tomorrow and make people very annoyed with me because I did it last weekend too.

Ok, I am going to try and get some of my story out. In third person because I don't like talking about myself using first. I just hate myself too much and sound far too whiney when I do that, so here goes.

Lia was a little girl when it started. No older than 3. That was the first time her mum hurt her, Lia bit her sister so her mum bit her, after that, she didn't stop. She didn't just bite, she used her stick to hit Lia with, or her hand. Anything she could reach really. Once it was a hockey stick. It wasn't always just one hit either, sometimes, it was several. Lia's mum didn't just hit either, she threatened her. She told her she would kill her, she said she would lose it one day then Lia would be dead and she would be in jail. Or even worse her brother or sister would be and she would be in care. Lia couldn't stand the thought of losing her mummy and tried to be good.

Lia's mother's comments hurt too. She would call her names. Stupid cow, bitch, useless, pig, dirty cow etc. Lia's mum doesn't hit anymore, but the threats are still there. She used to sit with the stick by her side as a threat of what would happen if Lia was bad. She still brings her down and calls her names. She once found out about her cutting and although Lia told her it was a once off, she asked, calmly, if Lia could do a better job of it the next time so she would have one less mouth to feed. Lia wasn't even hurt by this, to her, it was and still is the complete norm.

Ok, I can't do this anymore. There's more, but I have to stop. Said too much already. I don't even know if I should post. Maybe I should just click it, just click the button, clicky click click...

Lindsey- Please don't OD. What's the matter sweet? Try to hold on, think of what has kept you here all this time. Think of all the people you live for, those who love you. We here would certianly miss you. Just don't give up, not yet or if you have to, wait until sunday. Then when it gets to sunday, say you will do it on monday etc etc so then you never will! Stpid plan, but actually kinda works...

Jill-Sorry you feel so bad :/ I don't know what else to say really. I tend to just go with the flow when it comes to the mother, I don't care anymore. Boggartify her (you know, like in Harry Potter) and imagine something that would make the situation really funny. Like when my mum was yelling at me once, telling me to wash up, she was stabbing a plate with her finger as she spoke and I thought about how funny it would be if the plate broke. Only then I had to hide my smile or I would get another bollocking for insolence.

xx

Hugs lia very tightly. I'm so sorry that happened Hun, you are not any of those things Hun, your a caring lovely girl who doesn't deserve any of that.

Lia, that was indeed an epic reply!! Well done. Now on to reply to your post... I am so sorry about what happened to you as a child & continues to happen... no one should undergo physical/emotional/verbal abuse and it is NOT the norm. I understand how it may feel like it is for you and may be your way of blocking out the bad parts of your life, making them seem normal, but once you can move out, I would say do so. You are such a lovely person, and you definitely deserve better. Also, I am so, so proud of you for opening up just a little - well, more than a little, quite a bit - and that wasn't too much to say, although I understand why you would feel that way. I wish there were something I could do to help you... know that I'm always just a PM away, 'kay? *gentle hugs*

I'm not "bang-tidy" at the moment... just ate lunch & feel so full. I knew it, but I want to purge... stupid life of mine. :'( I won't, but still... it SUCKS wanting to and not being able to. The same goes for cutting. I really am trying not to cut right now because I know that I NEED to quit... but... it's so ****ing hard. And I really, really want to do that right now too. :'(

Anyway. Enough about me. Sorry for always blathering on about how I'm doing...

*cuddles Lia* Good job getting that much out. I know it's hard to do.
*hugs April* I'm glad you found the post helpful. I hope Jarrod does too. If either of you have any particular questions I can try to answer them. If it's about particular branches of the military I can probably find out the answer... Aside from my deployed bro-in-law, my husband's aunt was in the navy and his uncle was in the air force and i have a friend in the marines, so I have resources if I don't know the answer :)
*hugs Lindsay* Is there anything you can do tomorrow to distract yourself?

Sorry it's not more guys but I'm kinda fighting with myself today...
Yesterday had good parts though... I'm trying to hold on to them...One of the nice things yesterday: My boss had bought a pair of earrings that were handmade that she liked but the posts were to thick for her ears so she gave them to me since she knows I like earrings. *wills self to keep holding on to the good things and for the mind to not eat them*

oops April I was typing a reply and missed a post... don't be sorry about telling us how you are I'd worry if you didn't. I prefer to know how my friends are doing. *cuddles*

April- Thanks for the Pm offer, you never know, I might take you up on it one day :) Try to hold on, resist the urges. Go for a walk, that's distrating and if you don't take your blades with you, you can't cut. And purging would look a little odd as well...You're doing so well already with resisting urges, please continue to do that. You're done it before and can do it again:)

As for me, yes, I did open up too much. I shouldn't have done, but there's very little I can do about it now. Except go back into the hole and put the mask back on. Hide behind myself again.

Oh and Crimson, carry on thinking about those things and let none of the bad stuff in. Get yourself some mind boucers to chuck out all the unwanted bits. I hear they sell them on ebay.

xx

*hugs everyone* Sorry for no proper replies, I feel so bad right now.

The thing is, I don't want anyone, or myself, to stop me from overdosing. I'm not doing it to kill myself but at the same time I don't mind if I die.

*Hugs Lia* It was very brave of you to open up , abuse like that is not the norm and is not right.

*Hugs April* Try not to cut , going for a walk like Lia said is a good idea.

*Hugs Crimson* That was really nice that your boss gave you ear-rings.

*Hugs Lindsay*Please try not to OD this weekend , I know its hard but you can do it!:)

*hugs mark back*
yeah it was quite pleasant, especially since she's usually not the most pleasant. still kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop though I know I shouldn't...
I totally understand this statement but try not to all the same *hugs Lindsay*
LOL @ mind bouncers on ebay *hugs Lia*

I rushed through a test earlier this week and got a 65%... I did the retake today and got 100% but since it was a retake the highest % that can go on my record is a 70% FML.

Awww Crimson that royally sucks *Hug* I wish I had better words of advice than that .:S

I updated my R/V/ thread
Trigger warnings for those who choose to read it.
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...80#post2335180

What the hell is wrong with me I'm watching somthing on tv, and I start to cry, over nothing, god I'm pathetic. Should just curl up and die. Sorry =(

To lighten up the day... A coworker (B) was telling us about his son talking to him this morning before work... The son is 3 and this is how the conversation went:
E- "daddy do you have to go to work today?"
B-"yes"
E- "to catch bad guys?"
B- "to put bad guys in jail."
E-"do you shoot them?"
B- "no"
E- "do you slap them?"
B- "nope"
E- "why not?"
B- "because I put them in jail."
E- "why?"
B- "because jail is like a really big time out"
E- "why do they go to jail?"
B- "because they didn't listen to their mommies."

LOL

*huggles Mark*
read your r/v. and you are not useless, pointless or a piece of crap.

*cuddles all*

Sorry in advance for the lack of individual replies... I'm in a shitty place mentally - still, or again, or whatever you want to call it - and I just want some hugs and cold weather!! I'm warm & sticky and pretty anxious... need to send in a mail-order form for my Klonopin but haven't gotten 'round to it yet... I don't know why, I'm just a lazyarse I guess. :'(

I don't know anymore. I just want to get out of this life. :'(