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Katch 17-05-2008 09:40 PM

Cheers Alexx - how are you?

sorry you are feeling despondent Carole - it will get better - good days - bad days - but one day there will be more good days than bad ones!!

I was just impressed with myself today as I only got all choked up once whilst getting rid of my dads stuff - it really has been so hard seeing his belongings going bit by bit - I still can't beleive he's dead and not coming back again - but I feel as if I am managing to keep my feelings under a bit more of control.

Hells - hope you are not annoyed with me about the other thing - I was just worried of doing the wrong thing xx

Sugar and Spice 17-05-2008 09:45 PM

Thanks. It just feels as if I have been left to get worse by the mental health service...

How are you all?

*drags out a box of toys, games and food for people to rummage through*

Sugar and Spice 17-05-2008 09:47 PM

It sounds as if you are coping well, Katch :) *hugs*

~*forever_broken*~ 17-05-2008 09:50 PM

Carole, hope you're feeling better luv *hugs* Pow-wow is a Native American thing. It's the one time a year I get to put on my indian cloths and dance. I love it. But these damn meds... Possible side effect is increased sweating (I know, gross) and I already get way hot when I dance. I'm disgusting atm:blink:

Helen, you've had quite an eventful day. Glad to hear you're doing alright none the less.

*hugs everyone*

Sorry I've got to get back out there before my mom comes to find me.

MammaMia 17-05-2008 09:54 PM

Katch, I'm not annoyed. I still thik you should least mention it but never mind.

Alex, *cuddles*

*cuddles Carole too* Yaaaay games, anyone wanna be childish and play with me :P

I don't feel like I'm alright. I feel quite **** right now. I feel like crying. I feel....I feel....I dont wanna see him tomorrow still. Dunno what to do :( Casualty kinda scarying me but I'm still hooked to it lol. (Tis a tv show for you americans :P)

Katch 17-05-2008 09:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carole (Post 768995)
It sounds as if you are coping well, Katch :) *hugs*

I haven't been - I had a huge slip up the other day, so I decided to take myslef off for a few days and I do feel a bit better for it. I worry a bit though coz I know I am really bad about speaking about things and sorting my feelings - ever since I can remember I have always just shut them away and not dealt with any of them - not good! they have to come out at some point - and when they do I always hurt myself - I haven't really grieved for my dad - or my past - that's why I am trying to chat today - not necesarily about him or my past - but just chat instead of going quiet like I normally do - hope no-one minds.

BTW I am more than happy to listen to any of you. xxxx

Katch 17-05-2008 10:00 PM

[quote=Hells;769023]
I don't feel like I'm alright. I feel quite **** right now. I feel like crying. I feel....I feel....I dont wanna see him tomorrow still. Dunno what to do /quote]

Hells - what have you got to lose by seeing him tomorrow? it's worth giving it another go and seeing how it goes - what time will you see him - then I can send my strentgh waves right to you when you need them most :jumpin:

MammaMia 17-05-2008 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769044)
Hells - what have you got to lose by seeing him tomorrow? it's worth giving it another go and seeing how it goes - what time will you see him - then I can send my strentgh waves right to you when you need them most :jumpin:

I know I haven't got to lose anything. But I really can't deal with seeing him, pathetic I know :sad: I dunno what time I'm seeing him.

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:03 PM

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMEEEESSSSS :D

Im fine thanks Katch....feeling better than last night...marginlly anyway...
although...i have a bump on my head...dunno how i got it...
and ive had waaay too many panic attacks today :bllink:
and i have to go get my blood test results on wednesday :x

Katch 17-05-2008 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hells (Post 769049)
I know I haven't got to lose anything. But I really can't deal with seeing him, pathetic I know :sad: I dunno what time I'm seeing him.

Sorry - I didn't mean to make it sound as though it was easy - I know it's not - and it's certainly not pathetic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 769052)
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMEEEESSSSS :D

Im fine thanks Katch....feeling better than last night...marginlly anyway...
although...i have a bump on my head...dunno how i got it...
and ive had waaay too many panic attacks today :bllink:
and i have to go get my blood test results on wednesday :x

That bump on your head......maybe your brain has grown during the night -:rollfloor: Hope it doesn't hurt. Sorry about your panic attacks hun- How do you feel about your blood tests?

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769076)
Sorry - I didn't mean to make it sound as though it was easy - I know it's not - and it's certainly not pathetic.



That bump on your head......maybe your brain has grown during the night -:rollfloor: Hope it doesn't hurt. Sorry about your panic attacks hun- How do you feel about your blood tests?

ahaha :tongue2: I think....its from throwing myself backwards in the bar lastnight...I bumped my head on the wall of our booth :P

good news....for once...i KNOW what triggered my attacks today :thumbup:

Blood tests...im SOOOOOO scared....he's testing for some rare blood disorder :blink:

MammaMia 17-05-2008 10:22 PM

Awwww Alex, that sounds reallllllllly painful :( I hope your head feels better soon though *kisses it better*

Katch, it's okay. Honest. I'm just really struggling to deal with a situation. All he wants to do is see me. I want to see him only cus I miss him. But I really just can't see him. I know that makes no sense.

I don't think anyone understands how much I'm having a bad night.

Katch 17-05-2008 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 769091)
good news....for once...i KNOW what triggered my attacks today :thumbup:

Blood tests...im SOOOOOO scared....he's testing for some rare blood disorder :blink:

I can see why you are worreid about the blood tests - but it will be better to know than not to know either way. Hopefully it will come back negative - but if it doesn't then they will be looking at the best treatment for you - and we will all be here waiting to hear how you are.
I'm sorry I'm not sure if you meant the blood tests triggered your panic attacks today or whether you just knew what triggered them???

Katch 17-05-2008 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hells (Post 769108)
I don't think anyone understands how much I'm having a bad night.

Oh Hells - your right I don't fully understand - but not coz I don't want to - but because I don't know the whole situation - I'm really not sure if you want to talk about it or be left alone (my own paranoia working - can't even spell it!!!) I'm worried about not asking you - as I don't want you feeling ignored but I'm worried about getting on your nerves by keeping chatting to you.
I'm here for you if you want anything OK..

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:30 PM

naww its not the blood tests that triggered them...
but today i seem to know what DID trigger them...most days i dont :/

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:31 PM

*pounces on helen*
you want to talk to me darling?

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:31 PM

What the f*** is wrong with me?!?!
It is 5:30pm and I am just now getting outta bed!!!!

Katch 17-05-2008 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 769130)
naww its not the blood tests that triggered them...
but today i seem to know what DID trigger them...most days i dont :/

I'm glad you know - if you want to share please do but if you don't then it's OK - I just hope that by knowing what caused them it might help prevent them.

Katey-lou 17-05-2008 10:36 PM

slips in, curls up and hides in the corner:crying:

Katch 17-05-2008 10:38 PM

Hi Amanda - good to see you - what time did you get to bed?

Hi katey-Lou how are you tonight?

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769163)
Hi Amanda - good to see you - what time did you get to bed?

Like 11 or 11:30 last night

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:40 PM

Hey katey-lou...you ok hun?*hugs*
Hey There to you too Amanda...how you feeling?

MammaMia 17-05-2008 10:41 PM

Katch, that's my fault. Please don't let the parnoia kick in cus then I'll blame myself cus i know what it's like :pinch:

*is pounced on by Alex* Yah yah I do :)

I don't know why I feel so ****. I don't know if I'm making up what I think I can see on the landing of the stairs. I should really shut my door but I feel the need for it to be open. I hope it's just my mind playing tricks on me because I'm so tired. Plus I wrote a long post about my dad (and other things) in my thread if u wanna read to understand more maybe. I keep thinking about everything I shouldn't think about. Like my exam...recent attempts to die...and whatever else.

I don't think except you guys in here and one other ryl friend understand why I'm saying what I am about the exam. Plus one guy friend who is SUPOSSED to understand...keeps saying no change there then whn I reply to how are you? Plus...he said "this may sound harsh but I think you need to get a grip"....he said that last night when I was whining about the impending exam and how I'm scared that I'm gonna go like I did last time.

BLAH. I DON'T THINK ANYONE REALLY WANTS TO HEAR ME MOAN AFTER I'VE DONE IT FOR DAYS ON END....:sad: :blink:

I feel like I need to say something else....but my mind is dead for the momento.

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 769175)
Hey There to you too Amanda...how you feeling?

dissociated... numb

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:43 PM

Erm...first one was a dream...that i had chocolate all over my bed and that i was making a BIG mistake in something (cant remember what though)
Second was when i was walking through town and a pidgeon flew at me (i dont like them:-() and I felt its wing touch my head and I started panicking. I thought I was gonna die of a heart attack :(

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:45 PM

*hugs Alexx*

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:47 PM

Helen... are you ok? Please know you can talk to me...

Katey-lou 17-05-2008 10:52 PM

no, not good tonight. but i'm pushing everyone away and upsetting people so just goiung to sit quietly xx

MammaMia 17-05-2008 10:53 PM

Am I okay? No. I want to be okay. I feel like I've not been okay in a long time. Well I know I have been better recently. Then this week changed all that. But I'm not okay right now. I cannot stop thinking about things I wanna forget cus they're over. He's beginning to haunt me though >.< I don't want to let him win. I dont want to feel spaced out or whatever I am tonight. I know I want to cut. I know I'm better off alive, but also wish I had died at the same time. ****.

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 10:54 PM

Helen I'm sorry sweety :(
*takes your male friend and throttles him for a long time*
I wish I had something for you hun....
but I love you...
*huggles tight and offers you a blanket to snuggle under*

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 10:55 PM

*hugs Helen and Katey*

MammaMia 17-05-2008 10:57 PM

Nobody has anything these days in some places. Nice. I don't blame you Alex, I'm not having a go at you. Even though it looks/makes me feel as if I am. I love you hunni *is held and hides under blanket*

(That ****....the one haunting my brain....not my friend.....needs to die off my mind if that makes sense >.<)

Katch 17-05-2008 10:58 PM

Hells - i did read your post earlier and saw that you have an awful lot going on right now - I'm sorry to say I got to the bit about you moving - not moving etc and it got to me a bit - and that's why i didn't respond on there - we are having to sell our house now that my dad has died as we can't afford to stay here - as much as I hate being home I love my house -and am so very sad that we having to get everything sorted so we can sell it - so I understood your feelings of moving - then you got used to the idea and now it's all changed again - mind boggling stuff.
Not sure how you are coping with the exams at all - I just couldn't when it was my exams - I remember one day the school phoned to ask why I wasn't in my exam - i was in the bath - i had got so churned up about them all I got all my days wrong - Big Mess!!
You must have so many feelings about your dad at the moment - and I am really sorry about that - I wish I had words of wisdom there.
No-one minds how many days you want to moan -we will still listen - I think they will all mind that I post too much - and I'm sorry if they do but it's what I need to do right now.
It's probably just shadows on the stairs playing tricks with you - and being so tired won't help - try not to worry about it.
Why can't I write short - to the point replies - I alwasy end up writing a book. Then I have to push the button that says 'Post quick reply" and it makes me laugh!!

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769254)
Why can't I write short - to the point replies - I alwasy end up writing a book. Then I have to push the button that says 'Post quick reply" and it makes me laugh!!

*hugs Katch* it's ok hunni... we still love you. And reading this, actually made me smile. I noticed I was smiling and I was like :shocked:

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 11:05 PM

Lol Katch M'dear...I do love you...you make me giggle :P

I agree fully on the moving house thing :blink:
We are moving in July....and packing and clearing out makes my anxiety worse :pinch:

I'm always here helen...and if im not here...im on the end of the phone :)

I swear..turning my phone off for the exams...its like losing a limb!

Katch 17-05-2008 11:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katey-lou (Post 769235)
no, not good tonight. but i'm pushing everyone away and upsetting people so just goiung to sit quietly xx

Your'e not upsetting people - but I know sometimes it's nice to just sit quietly and listen - if you need a helping hand back out of the corner just let us know xxx

Quote:

Originally Posted by Reason[TO]Believe (Post 769192)
Erm...first one was a dream...that i had chocolate all over my bed and that i was making a BIG mistake in something (cant remember what though)
Second was when i was walking through town and a pidgeon flew at me (i dont like them:-() and I felt its wing touch my head and I started panicking. I thought I was gonna die of a heart attack :(

It's so strange how our minds work -and I don't just mean ours in here I mean everyone's . I'd like to be able to analyse dreams.
The pidgeon so close though - anyone would panic at that - some of them are huge - I guess if we ever meet up it won't be at Trafalgar Square!!!

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769281)
It's so strange how our minds work -and I don't just mean ours in here I mean everyone's . I'd like to be able to analyse dreams.
The pidgeon so close though - anyone would panic at that - some of them are huge - I guess if we ever meet up it won't be at Trafalgar Square!!!

Oh god definatly not Trafalgar Square...I have enough trouble with Manchester :tongue2:
Some old woman shouted at me because I screamed and interupted her whilst she was "drinking her afternoon tea" so she came over to tell me off....despite the fact I was slumped against a wall, hyperventilating, sweating, shaking, and grasping my chest... :/

MammaMia 17-05-2008 11:12 PM

Thanks Katch for the reply, it really helps. Moving house is way too stressful and really sucks. We can't afford to stay here. Well we can at the moment because my dad is still paying for us to live here. But yeah one of the reasons why my mum wanted to move anyway because she felt bound to him if that makes sense? Like he still has some sort of control over her I guess. I know how you feel sweetie. I was/am so very very sad to be moving cus I love this house so much. Some nights I hate my room cus I know my rapist has been in here :mad: But I have to go back to how I loved it before...and remember that he CANT hurt me here. :thumbup: Hopefully when we paint it....it might help lol. Well that's if we take our house off the market. I don't want to move so hopefully nobody wants our house now :) Mum said if nobody's put an offer by the time our holiday comes (or was it just before?) then we're going off the market :hop: I wish you didn't have to go through this aswell sweetie *snuggles* It is mind boggling stuff...

Well thankfully the exam hasn't started yet. Starts in two weeks time..well it will on monday. So it starts on the 2nd June. Wish we could fast forward through that week, but I know time will draggggggggggggg during the exam! Wow I feel for you hun. Exams are a stressful time for everyone but it affects people more than others and in different ways...

I really do have so many feelings about my dad at the moment. It's driving me absloute bonkers and I want to see him. But at the same time I feel the need to push him away.

I hope no-one does mind how much I moan and I hope people do listen. Nah we don't mind that you post so much, it's what we want :)

I do think it is shadows on the stairs or something playing tricks with me and being so tired sure aint helping me. I don't feel so bad about it right now yay :-p

I like writing long posts/replies so don't mind hunni. LOL your last sentence made me giggle lots though!!!!

Katch 17-05-2008 11:32 PM

Firstly really happy to have made 3 people laugh - if I could do that every day then I'd be content.

Alexx - stupid old woman - don't you worry about a thing - it's not as if you can hold in your panic until there are no old lady tea drinkers around is it!!!


Hells - Thank you... xxx
Fully understand how your mum feels about your dad paying for the house - but maybe you could help her think of it as "he should still pay as his children still need a roof over their head" he may have left your mum but he should still provide for you.

Some nights I hate my room cus I know my rapist has been in here
Snap - and it makes me think I should want to move - but I love where this house is - it's on a field and I can't hear any cars - just Badgers and Foxes and the birds in the morning - at night I stand on the field and look at the stars and feel so alone but so peaceful. So many bad memories of the many things that happened to me here - but I realize they are with me where ever I go - they are not in the walls and the brickwork - they are in my heart.
It seemed like the end of the world when I messed up in my exams - but I was lucky as I had already got into uni with my performing arts audition - I know loads of people who messed up (not through not trying) that have done well regardless. I hope you do really well - but don't panic yourself too much - life does go on and you can do well -
Your dad has hurt you - but you need to try and remember it's your mum and him with the problems, you got hurt along the way - you should meet him for coffee and a chat - just a short visit and see how it goes and how you feel - right now you are in a limbo and I think you need to make a move -at least you will know if you want to see him again soon or have a break from him - it realy is OK to be angry with him - you feel deserted.

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 11:36 PM

I listen to you ^_^
being your new aunty and all ;-)

Maybe you should turn a light on? Just to check so you know theres nothing there?
We are definately FOR SURE moving to Romiley in July...so I'll have no internet for god knows how long :/
and Ive had to start going through my room already...trying to convince my mum to let me pack my own stuff. I NEED to.
But hopefully you can keep your house and painting your room will help Hells :]
As for my exam advise? Its simply as lame as try and relax...take it one thing at a time and accept that you can only do your best.
thats what got me through Friday...I had 6 hours of exams....SIX!!! :blink:

Katch 17-05-2008 11:42 PM

how do you get these RYL aunties, sisters etc..

my mouse has just broken - it's been on the blink all night now it's stopped completely - and the touchpad thingy on this laptop has a mind of it's own and is going all over the place - I'm getting sea sick trying to read what I am writing as the page is going up and down. I'll try and find another one if not I'll have to say cheerio for now and I'll be back tomorrow 'You have been warned"!!!
Love you all, Huge hugs tonight, Katch xxx

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 11:45 PM

Katch...your house sounds amazing...and I agree with the fact that the memories arent in the walls..."there are no haunted houses...only haunted people" but you can work through it and at the end of it (as clichéd as it sounds) you'll be a stronger person.

Helen..i know kind of how you feel about your dad...my dad left before I was born...denying I was his and he would never turn up when he said he would and I was so angry at him...I swore I never wanted to see him again...and that was ok...but he moved countries (to a non EU country) and now...even if I wanted to contact him...I dont think i could :/
I guess...the point of my story is that its ok to be angry at him hun...its ok to absolutly HATE him....but you have to think carefully about your decision...and make sure you wont regret it...but whatever you decide....you'll have loads of people behind you :)

Detour. Derail 17-05-2008 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katch (Post 769391)
how do you get these RYL aunties, sisters etc..

You just say "will you adopt me?" or "do you want to be adopted?"
I'll adopt everyone and anyone (if you want to be^_^)

OH NOES!!! about your mouse :(
Hope you can get a new one soon!!!!
Take care hun
xxxxx

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 11:48 PM

Ugh... I just had a chocolate binge and ate 3 BIG spoonfuls of Hershey's syrup...

Katey-lou 17-05-2008 11:49 PM

sorry to creep out of the corner a little, think i need some company otherwise am going to do somehting stupid and its probs not a good idea seen as i'm babysitting my sister.:crying: :notsure:

MammaMia 17-05-2008 11:49 PM

Thanks Katch.

Your house being on a field reminds me of where I live. We have two sides of the road...as you do. My side has all the houses, and then oppsoite all our houses/flats are the woods & a masssssssive meadow (hence the reason our road name has the words it does...and the first word comes from the woods stroy lol or something).

Blah I was gonna write a reply to you properly....but I'm soooo tired >.< But feeling soooooooooooooooo awake :D I've got a huge health worry on my mind, just got to wait to make sure it's not a ****ing hormonal thing from the wonderful peroid (N)

MammaMia 17-05-2008 11:53 PM

Katch, I've only just read the post about your mouse, hope it'll be okay tomorrow. Stay safe xxx P.S Take it you're back on the ship? :D

Alex, thanks for your replies, both here and on msn. I'm glad I have you hun. I'm gonna miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much when you have no net :(

BoundNoMore 17-05-2008 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katey-lou (Post 769405)
sorry to creep out of the corner a little, think i need some company otherwise am going to do somehting stupid and its probs not a good idea seen as i'm babysitting my sister.:crying: :notsure:

Awww *offers Katey a hug* I'm proud of you for being strong enough to realize that you need company.

Katch 17-05-2008 11:57 PM

no luck with the mouse - so got to go before I'm sick. Hells - hope you feel better in the morning. Katey-Lou - I haven't forgotten you and will look in on you tomorrow. Alex I'd love to be adopted. Amanda - sorry about your binge - but don't be to angry with yourself.
Hugs to everyone and hope to see you tomorrow. xxx

Katch 18-05-2008 12:00 AM

Quote[Katch, I've only just read the post about your mouse, hope it'll be okay tomorrow. Stay safe xxx P.S Take it you're back on the ship? :D]Quote

No I'm still at home - my Mum is in too bad a way for me to leave just yet - but I am cleared to go back when I can - probably mid june - worried about that though as I won't be able to access RYL - all internet goes through the ships satelite - really expensive and very very slow - not sure how I will cope without you all - it's been a lifeline finding you all - thank you


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