Thought I'd take another photo for you April :P With the lights on & my hair much cleaner :-p However I'm getting my hair cut soon :hop:

*cuddles April* glad your day went ok and you got through lessons without being too anxious and went out witha friend, but please don't cut hun, is there anything making you want to? anything you can do to distract?

*cuddles Helen* nice picture, we met on the last manchester meet didn't me, or am I being stupid? anyway nice pic and congratulations on the second interview. anything you can do to stop yourself being so anxious, some breathing exercises or something?

*cuddles angelic monster* you ok?

I'm feeling less ill, but had some idiots being stupid towards me which has got me down, what is it with people and the whole your not a real man thing because your physically not one and don't have a penis, thanks just make me feel even worse about myself why don't you.

*goes and hides in a corner*

We did indeed. Well I was there anyway =) So we must have aha!! I'm trying to not think, see if that helps the anxiety. Still doing something for my Mum. Dead easy really but it's taking me forever. Just pathetic isn't it really??

Forget those pathetic comments & people? They're not worth it..

Cool thought I recognised you, yeah don't worry if you don't remember me I was the guy in all black smart clothes, who didn't really talk and then had to leave early as was in a concert lol.

its not pathetic, sometimes things take time and especially if we want them done well.

yeah I'm trying to forget about them, its just hard, especially when it makes you think about it all again and it makes you feel like **** then you start doubting yourself and then it keeps going round in circles.

Sorry haven't been doing many individual replies today everyone. Just haven't really been with it today and I can never remember if I got everyone lol. And typing is an obstacle today too...

Oliver~ I don't really know how I am so far today. Not bad but not good either... Struggling with some things but mostly holding together. After I realized how much I ate yesterday I felt like a house (made worse by the fact my weight went up) but logically speaking I know that I am in the normal range of weight for my height... the higher end but still in range. So reminding myself of logic is making that not as bad. Depression-wise I think I'm numb right now. I don't know what else to call it. So really I just don't know today.

And as for the asshats and what they were saying, they aren't worth anyone's time till they grow up, especially yours.

Ahhh I remember you!! You were the guy with that orchestra bag & I meant to ask you why but totally forgot to haha!!!

Nearly done. Well over half way. I'm in pain >_>

yeah that was me, with my french horn!!
*cuddles* why you in pain?

*cuddles angelic monster* I really want to call you Crimson, is that your name? I'm really sorry for being an idiot and forgetting. I'm sorry your doing well and feeling numb, is there anything you can do to try and lift your mood a little?

Don't feel good.
Anxious.
Just want to cut.
But I can't, 'cause Jarrod's home.

It's going to be really tough if/when he gets his furlough from work - 3 months at home, will have to find a way to SI outside of the apartment. :crying:

Sorry I'm so pathetic. :(

*cuddles April lots* your not pathetic, anything you can do to feel less anxious and distract yourself. any breathing exercises, playing WoW, or others things you like doing. *sends lots of cuddles over*

*cuddles Helen* What's up?
*cuddles Oliver* Yep I'm Crimson. As horrible as this is gonna sound I think I prefer being numb for the moment...
*cuddles April* You are not pathetic.
*huggles everyone*

*cuddles Oliver* How're you doing tonight?

*cuddles Crimson* I understand preferring to feel numb... wish I were numb right now. Instead I hurt so ****ing much... but I should shut up and quit whinging, you all must be SO sick of me by now!!!

:(

Ahh cool :) *cuddles back* Don't know. Too much food probably >_>

You're not pathetic & we're not sick of you. *cuddles* You can get through this babe :(

Finally finished what I was doing for Mum. Took me long enough. Should have took no more than an hour really. It's taken me over 3 hours =/ =/

*cuddles April* we are not sick of you at all, post as much as you like, thats what this place is for. I'm sorry your hurting.

*cuddles Crimson* I can understand wanting to feel numb too.

*cuddles Helen* well done for finishing it.

I'm not so great, dreading friday and the week and a bit that follows it, but know I just have to get through it some how, had everything knocked by some idiots and I know just ignore them, buts its hard to it then makes you think about it all and then you start doubting yourself.

TYhank you

Why you dreading Friday?
If it helps, I'm dreading Sunday :/

going on a music course, which have been on before for about 5 years, but now I've come out as trans and have been living as male for a good few months now with male name and pronouns, I am dreading having to go as female, plus I have to wear a stupid skirt and sash in the concerts, also the course same time last year was when I started getting really bad panic attacks and was nearly sent home because I was a danger to myself, wondering around at 2am by the lake in an extremely suicidal mood.

howcome your dreading sunday?

Sorry if this is a dumb question Oliver, but why can't you go as male?

its not a dumb question, but the director on the course is very very conservative and when my mum rang up to ask if girls could wear trousers when I first joined about 5 years ago, she just gave my mum a massive lecture about how women wear skirts and men trousers, she doesn't like one of my friends hair, because he changes it a lot and dyes it bright colours and so I don't think she could quite deal with it, then there would be the problem of accomadation, we are in blocks, one for girls, one for boys, this is my last year of it, so its 10 days next week and 10 in summer, I would love to go as male but it would cause too many problems.

That sounds bit **** really :( *squishes* Soon be over & done with? :)

Dreading Sunday because it'll be six years since I had my miscarriage :( :/

*cuddles* yeah I'll be counting down the days until I can go back to uni and can be male and then need to buy my first DJ for orchestra concert, as I'm now out at uni.

*cuddles* that sounds tough I'm sorry

*cuddles*

Mmm it is.

Going to go bed & try sleep soon.
Got to be up at 9am, am sure I'll do a quick check in.
My interview's at 11am :P (less than10 hours to go)

ok night Helen, hope you get some sleep. Good luck with your interview, wishing you all the best. *hugs*

Ok, there have been sooo many posts! Imma try to get everyone here but if i missed u please dont hate me lol.

*cuddles april* you can make it thru this hun. Please try not to harm. And like everyone has said, you are not pathetic at all. You are a very kind and loving person. Not in the least bit pathetic.

oh and - yes there is 200 computers in one of the IT centers in the library here... we have like 35,000 ppl that go to my uni so.. lots of computers are necessary lol.

*cuddles helen* Sleep well and good luck with ur 2nd interview! Stay strong, i know its hard right now b/c of this sunday, but u can do this.

*hugs oliver* Im sry about the situation with your music course.. that sounds like it really sucks. Im glad that you are feeling physically better tho. I guess all that virtual soup helped lol.

*cuddles crimson* sorry that you are having a numb day... although sometimes i think numb can be preferable.. its still not a good feeling though.

*hugs nicole* im glad that you ate. Good job. Keep hanging in there hun.

Its a freaking miracle that i am out of class an hour and a half early lol. So that nice... But I am becoming.. different feeling.. i dont know how to describe it really. Like almost giddy and a bit anxious, idk why... but this tends to happen before i crash into really really bad thoughts.. so im kinda worried. Maybe im just extremely tired.. idk. hope that it just passes.

Thanks you two :) Wow the ward's been quiet since I left for bed. Managed to get an early night :D Anyway, will check in once I've come back from seeing my friend ^_^ My interview is at 11am & that's less than two hours already :P

*Hugs to everyone who needs em*
I S.I. last night , I had been obsessing about it for 2 days .
I want it to just stop.
For the scars to go away , they trigger me.
I coulden't sleep , I tryed taking a diaz , drank some camomille tea , eventually got to sleep but I don't know when , SO hard to get out of bed this morning.
Lithium is causing my hands to shake this morning.
My mind is racing , I can't concentrate , ugh sorry .
I have had enough of this depression .....

Oh and Positve thoughts go out to Helen for your interview in 19 minutes :)

hey everyone, everything crossed for you Helen :0)

Sorry you had a crappy night Mark, today's another day huh, and we start again *hugs* What will you do today?
JK

Hey Jonikd.
Today I have a social worker appointment this afternoon . I just got back from a quick walk down by the canal went and bought a mag , has interviews with Lacey Mosley from Flyleaf and Hayley Williams from Paramore so that might pass the time later .
Apart from those things I'm going to try and think nice thoughts , anything not Depression or S.I. related . I think I'll go and do a bunch of stuff in the distractions forum.
I'm not feeling particulary safe right now , fed up with S.I. , it's like 15 years is enough!!! but I still feel I need it * sigh *

How are you ?

Sorry I waffled on a bit there , got a bit self involved didn't it:S

*hugs everyone* how you all feeling today? im just about to go get my tongue peirced :/ im so scared!! lol

That interview went pretty ****. Have come home for a bit but going out to see my friend soon ^_^

*cuddles to all*

Nicole! Tongue piercing! I'd be petrified . I hope it goes/went well , it sounds cool.

*Hugs Helen* Why do you feel the interview went badly? I hope you have fun with your friend :)

*cuddles all*

So ****ing anxious I HATE IT!!!! :crying: I AM pathetic, and I AM whingy and clingy and all sorts of bad things. :crying: I just want to die and get out of everyone's way!!

Sorry, /rant. :(

Hels, what makes you think the interview went badly? *cuddles* Oh, and the last pic you posted looks much better, easier to see what you look like. You're definitely pretty. :D

Nicole, good luck with the tongue piercing!! I'd be excited, I want my tongue pierced but with an internship & job looming I want to be able to talk in my interviews, lol. *hugs*

Mark, that mag sounds fabulous!! I love Flyleaf & Paramore, so reading interviews from the lead singers would be aweeeesome. But right now I'm on a Plumb kick, so reading an interview from her would be amazing as well. :) Good for you for trying to stay away from ruminating over SI/depression stuff... :) How's it going so far??

Crimson, Laura, Kahlia, & Hayley, cuddles to you too. Sorry if I missed anyone!! no offense intended.

I'm at my parents' house right now... anxious as all get out but oh well. I am having lunch with my bestie in about two hours so that will be nice, I hope. It's really lovely weather here, 70'F (21'C) and partly sunny. I'm wearing partly Goth clothes today and baggy guys' pants so I feel kinda cool, I dunno.

*huge sigh* My chest is so tight, it's hard to get a breath. I need to go distract myself somewhere... maybe I'll write in my r/v thread and then go read, I dunno. :-/

*hides*

thanks guys, i got it done :D it was painful, but not as bad as i thought it would be!! and april. i can talk ok, just a tiny bit of a lisp :/

*cuddles everyone*

It was crap because it was practically like yesterday's but he was telling me conflicting information & I couldn't hear him. He took me to a cafe to 'interview me' but he didn't...not really :S

I never felt so fat in my life. My friend who I saw is on a 'diet' because her family kept telling her she's fat. So if she's fat, then I most definitely am :| Jeez!!

*hugs jonikd* how r u doing?

*cuddles helen* im sry that ur interview didnt go so good. And you are definitely not fat. Dont let your friends diet trigger anything in you. It sounds like your friend has having a hard time with her family.. that does not mean that you are fat in comparison.

*hugs mark* Sry to hear that u SI-ed again. Stay strong. That magazine sounds pretty awesome, im obsessed with music... although most of mine is more.. metal.. i guess the word would be.. not like hardcore screamo (although i listen to that too..) But bands like breaking benjamin, shinedown, godsmack... okay sorry for the random music tangent lol.

*hugs april* I bet that you do look cool. Anxiety is awful, i'm sorry that you have so much problems with it... If it helps, your not alone in pretty much always feeling some sort of anxiety. But you are not pathetic or whiney.

*hugs nicole* wow a tongue piercing! I'd definitely be scared to get it done. Do you like it so far?

I broke last night... as i knew was going to happen.. SI-ed to deal.. Now I want to again. Im supposed to be studying for a quiz i have later today.. maybe study first and SI later. Maybe i'll be able to put it out of my head for a little bit.

*hugs Laura lots*

Oh I already have 'issues' with food/eating/weight anyway :( She knows that. She keeps telling me off and was like don't make me feel guilllty by not eating again because I'm not :'( But she doesn't need to lose weight, I do :'(

*hugs* you dont need to lose weight. From the pictures u've posted on here I can tell that you are NOT fat. Try to not let those kind of thoughts consume you. I know it can be hard when u already have issues with it, and i think it kind of sucks that she wanted you to eat while she was sitting there not eating... but dont fall into an ED.

To be honest, when she said it the first time, well mentioned the 'diet', we were eating a healthy lunch. Then when she mentioned it again, neither of us were eating as we were walking/drinking hot chocolate.

*hugs laura* its sore!! but i love it!! please try not to SI. x

Aww Helen. I'm sure it isn't as bad of an interview as it felt. And you aren't fat. *huggles*

Nicole~ Eat ice cream and drink carbonated things. I don't know why the carbonation helps really but it does (or at least did for me and my friend) and the ice cream makes it cold and numbish when it is achy. The lisp thing tends to go away as you get used to the bar in your mouth :) *hugs*

Laura~ not to nag but you cleaned and dressed the wound well right? *Cuddles* Stay safe hun.

*huggles April, Oliver, Mark, anyone I missed (sorry)*

*hugs* thanks for the advice, i have got ice cream lol. but i found it really hard to eat :/

lol it gets better. have you tried ice chips?

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry the interview didn't go so great. your definetly not fat.

*cuddles Crimson* how are you doing?

*cuddles Laura* please try to stay safe and make sure you look after yourself ok, there anything to help distract you?

*cuddles Nicole* I'm glad you like your tongue piercing.

*cuddles April* I hope you managed to distract yourself and that your anxiety is better now.

*cuddles Mark* how are you doing?

*cuddles everyone*

I feel pretty ****, gender stuff has hit me and hit me badly, is seriously getting me down, and my mum keeps moaning because had my hair cut today and got it nice and short, which she isn't impressed over.

no i havent tried anything apart from soup and ice cream lol.

*cuddles oliver* thanks, its cool :D sorry you're having a hard time. :( *extra hugs*

* Hugs Helen * Going by the pics you've posted you are NOT fat , you look good. Don't let your friends familys opinions get to you (I hope that made sense).

I'll post later when I've the energy , I just feel flat with a a bunch of triggered urges to go with it *sigh*

GRRRR... My browser crashed right after I typed in my replys....
*sigh*
Ok let's start this again.
*cuddles Oliver* As long as you like your hair that's what counts... At least thats how I see it.
I'm doing ok so far this morning. So far so good :)

*pokes head in*
Anyone around?
*looks around*
Guess not...
*leaves a variety of chocolates and teas on the table and walks back out*

I'm around lol. Just hiding in a corner

*picks up a dark chocolate bar with caramel filling and drizzles it with white chocolate and grabs a chamomile tea with honey*
What're you up to today Laura?

wow that chocolate bar sounds good! *picks one up for myself*

Currently, I am studying for a quiz i have in a few hours... Wednesdays are kinda a boring day for me. O well.
How about u?

lol yeah I'm weird like that... but i like dark and white chocolate best together lol
i'm at work trying to get archiving done but not in a hurry for it to be done. Wednesdays are kinda boring for me too during the work day anyways.