Ooh good luck with the bloodwork & CBT lifestyle thingy. Remember that the nurses probably see scars a lot, either from SI or from other injuries, so it's not such a big deal to them. At least, as it would be to many people. I'm just bumbling now trying not to stick my foot into my mouth any further, ahahaha... sorry if that ^^ came out sounding wrong or something. I'm sorry if you've had bad treatment from nurses before. They really should be more used to it, or learn to cope with it, or something. I don't know. I'm rambling... :( Sorry. <3 you too. :)

What all does the CBT lifestyle thingy entail?? sounds interesting...

OH, and I mailed in my job app today... am terrified... :-S

*hides in the warren where it's cool & dark & where no one can find her* :(

I don't know what it entails April , I am NOT looking forward to it , The first and only time I had CBT I found it VERY invasive (Right word?) , My nurse has actually outright said that she is going to be tougher on me , I guess it's for my own good though so I'll have to endure it :S

WELL DONE YOU!!!!!! for mailing your job application . I am a proud wardie :)

I finished my company profile on the Build-A-Bear company. yay Marketing homework! I still don't see why I need Marketing to get my emphasis in Journalism... but whatever.
Next on my list, read about 100 pages for Brit Lit I, read Chapter 1 for Marketing, do discussion questions for Marketing, and read Chapter 1 for History... ehhhh... Then tomorrow I'll have Creative Writing and News Reporting homework =/
I am going to die under a mountain of homework this semester.

UGH! I'm triggered . 9 days I can't blow it now :S It's 9.28 pm and I am heading off to bed . Bed must be the best place for me.

"Asleep is the safest place you can be"

Oh Felicia that sounds like a ton of work , try to take it in small bites , thats supposed to help :)

Goodnight, Mark. Sleep well *safe hugs*

*hugs helen* sorry that you had such a bad night/day and that you are feeling horrible. Here if you need anything.

*hugs mark* sleep well! 9 days is really great! i know you can keep going. Good luck with the CBT thing. Hope that it doesnt seem as intrusive as last time. Let us know how it is.

*hugs april* good job on turning in the application! I'm sorry your not doing very well right now. I am reading your r/v. Wish I had something helpful to say but i'm here if you need to talk at all hun.

*hugs felicia* wow thats a lot of work. Maybe make a schedule out for yourself so that it doesnt seem as overwhelming?

*hugs crimson* how r u doing? any better? I like your new username by the way.

*hugs kahlia, kat, steph, and everyone else*

Test was okay... not great.. hoping that other things like GPA and work experience will help with my application, oh and letters of recommendation. But it couldve been worse i guess. Don't know how else I am right now... just kind of existing. Gotta work tonight.

*cuddles all*

I need to find a way to get through rest of tonight & a good part of tomorrow..

Of course and any time :)
The other day when my husband was nosing around my laptop I worried that he nosed in my internet browser too... my RYL page is set to keep my name and pass so since I didn't know if he went to RYL or not or if he saw the name or not I figured I'd change the name and save myself some trouble...he didn't mention any threads just a convo log with a friend though so I didn't see any reason to get a whole new acct rather than changing my name.
Wow now if that isn't a long rambled version of an answer... sorry.
I'm doing better than I was Sunday/Monday, D apologized for snooping and getting pissed off. He also says he won't snoop again... But he isn't over statements made in March as to how I was doing *rollseyes* So now it's mostly a destress time for me... if it's possible.

Good night Mark. Sleep well.

Thanks Laura.

*sits with Helen*

*hugs everyone*

*huggles everyone*

So tired and stressed and feeling .... ick, bleh, meh ... i don't know. Really want to just disappear. *sigh*

So. Over. All. Of. This.

:crying:

Seriously. I can't be flipping out over SA because it's everywhere. :( Sadly. I wish I could erase it from this world because it never should have started in the first place... damn it all... I can't "just get over it" though because I guess I'm too ****ing sensitive?? I don't know. I just want to leave, get rid of my brain, I don't know, it's just hurting too much right now. I'm hurting too much right now.

Sorry, that was definitely a rant, and probably one that didn't make much sense. I'll be more coherent in the morning (hopefully) when I won't be so ****ing exhausted. Off to bed we go... hopefully to actually sleep in some comfort. It's really warm in here (the den where the comps are) but the rest of the apartment is cooling off some, windows open and fans a'blowing and all of that.

G'night wardies... (I'm always paranoid that when/if I say goodnight, I'm not going to sleep... lol... how silly is that??)

*curls up next to Mark and dozes off*

I dont want to do this anymore.
I nearly passed out at work from not eating.
I cant sleep at night.
My dreams are back.
I just want....I dont know...whats the point in wishing for things that wont come true anymore.

no ones in :(
*sits quietly and cries*

*cuddles up next to Lex and hands her tissues* I wish I had some good advice... but I don't :( So I'm sending lots and lots of virtual hugs instead!

*hugs April tightly* I'm sure you're not the only one who feels that way. I know a lot of times I wish I had never started... seems it would be easier than trying to stop =/

*hugs Kahlia and refuses to let her disappear*

*hugs Crimson*

*hugs Mark* I hate showing my scars to nurses too :( The one who helped the doctor with my wisdom teeth surgery commented on them, made me feel really awkward right as I was being put to sleep... NOT the best of times. Hope your CBT goes all right <3

*hugs everyone else* Sorry... 4 pages to try and reply to. I read all the replies though <3

Sleeping pills are kicking in... here's hoping for a relatively pain free and full night of sleep. I'll check back in the AM. 'Night wardies!

*sniffle* I need hugs right now...thankyou

*hugs Lex* sorry uni's keeping me busy, but I care, and I do read, I just can't always respond in a timely manner. *extra hugs*

its ok...uni is more important sweet!!
ill be ok :/

I cant do this :'(


I just had another panic attack :(

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Lex*

*Hugs Felicia*

*Hugs Taz*

It's 6.18 am VERY early for me but I coulden't sleep , I am totally awake hmm. It's too early to put music on as I don't want to wake the neighbours at this hour . My kitchen smells funny since yesterday afternoon , I don't know what to do about it , sort of like very strong glue smell , Ive looked in my cupboard and behind my oven and fridge and generally poked about with my torch hmmm , I even stuck my head all over and sniffed but I can't find the smell . sorry . Any ideas ? hmm . It's not like I would have drop meat behind somewhere as I'm vegetarian so it can't be rotting meat . Again sorry to be gross.

Hmmm I don't know why I woke early but it's probably because I have appointments today and my mind is over-thinking, especially about the CBT one :S Arggg! I really don't want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I KNOW this will do exactly that . Sorry.

Mark: A glue smell is likely to be a solvent but I'm not really able to help you 'cause there's several factors I don't know. A solvent could be paint in the neighbourhood, especially nearby and if windows are open. (Remember I'm not familiar with your climate). It could also be paint stripper which produces a solvent smell or you or one of your neighbours might have inadvertantly (sp?) spilled some solvents somewhere near an air entry point to your kitchen? I don't know, just some suggestions. Perhaps think back to yesterday afternoon and see if you can remember what was happening - in the neighbourhood, but only your area of it - when the smell started. Might be a bit complicated though.

*gently huggles Alex*

*cuddles Taz*

*Hugs Kahlia*

Thanks for the advice , I'll go and smell outside in a bit , I've had another poke round with my torch this morning , pulled my oven out and everything, Heh , My kitchen window was shut , I've since opened it to help the smell dissapate.

*hugs everyone*

wish i could do more for you guys right now, but i just cant. i'm sorry.

*Hugs Laura* No need to be sorry , You have to look after yourself first and foremost .Am thinking of you :) Sending positive vibes whilst I feel positive (ish).

*hugs mark* glad your feeling positive-ish. thanks for thinking of me. just had a bad night. ill be fine.

*sits in a dark corner & drags duvet over head*

Hi Unicorn tears *waves*

*big yawn* 6:07am and I'm up... of course. Am always up this early or earlier, but I'm always exhausted. Way to go, Mark, for being up early. ;) Although you probably will be tired later too. Ugh. I wish I could take away the nervousness but I'm sure that everything will go fine. And therapy is supposed to push you out of your comfort zone, it's supposed to make your mind stretch, and make you think about things you never would've thought about before. If that makes sense?

*cuddles Lex* Wish I could help, hon... :( Sorry I'm not much use right now.

*cuddles Taz* Hope you got in a good night's sleep!!! :)

*cuddles Kahlia* How're you doing, love??

*cuddles everyone else, and welcomes Unicorn Tears - I'm sorry if you've been here before and I've forgotten you, brain like a sieve, I swear!!* :)

Yes that makes sense April , It's not called therapy she told me it's called motivational interviewing but I guess it's all to the same end . I don't know how you get up so early daily , I've already napped but I'm not sure I actually slept in my , just laid there feeling tired listening to music in the next room , I feel a little less tired though but still . Heh . *Hugs April*

*cuddles Mark* Heh, "motivational interviewing" ... sounds like therapy to me. Lol. Anyway, I hope that it goes well. :) Seems like DBT is used a lot more in the UK than it is over here... here it's CBT CBT CBT... not sure if that's good or not. Meh.

I'm exhausted. (One of the prices I pay for getting up so early. >_<) It's going to be a busy day, with a spinning class (as in, spinning wool!!) with my mum this morning, and then getting my car inspected and having her oil changed this afternoon... guhh... am so damn tired and anxious and I really don't want to eat breakfast even though it's past 8am and I really ought to. :(

Played WoW for awhile, chatted with some friends... it was nice. :) Also, got some texts from another friend (one of the girls I'm "mentoring" at church) and she's not doing so well, so prayers/good thoughts for her would really be appreciated.

*hides in the warren with a plushie & a book*

Sounds like you have a busy day April.
*Sends positive thoughts your friends way :) ZOOM! , across the Atlantic*

Aw thanks Mark. :) *huggles*

Yeah, it's gonna be really tiring. I think my friend, with whom I was planning on getting together, is just going to have to wait til next week, because I want tomorrow as a relax-day, where I can just sit and do nothing (or rather, something - WoW or reading or practicing cello ^_^ - just not driving a total of about 70 miles to see her... lol). So I will tell her that. Heh. :-/ She'll be fine with it... but I feel like I'm letting her down. :(

*cuddles all of the wardies*

You deserve a relax-day April , try not to feel guilty , you'll see your friend next week probably :)or maybe before then at church ?

*cuddles everybody*

Met with Sharron (My Nurse)
We started a CBT based lifestyle model.
It wasn't as bad asI thought it would be but there is plenty of work to do to improve my life :S Hmmm That sounds stupid :(
I want to S.I. now, my mind is thinking a LOT and I just want to block it out :S I just took a Diaz , hopefully that will help.

ON a Happy note Sharron told me that she is 15 weeks pregnant :) I'm happy for her , but, I am worried about who will deal with me when she is on maternity leave , I trust Sharron a LOT and it's taken years to build up that trust . Man! that sounds selfish of me .
Also we are about the same age and it just brings to the forefront of my mind that I'm no-where near having a family and I feel at almost 30 I should be . Damn it that sound selfish to. I am genuinly happy for her though :)

Im...not quite sure whats real...I keep looking at my phone thinking its been like a minute....but ive been sat in the same position...just staring for half an hour...
or is this just a dream? I dont know.
I need help.
Im not ill.

*Hugs Lex* :) I like your new avatar , did you draw it yourself ? Also do you prefer to be called Lex or Alex ? Sorry

*hugs everyone*
Went to Creative Writing this morning. My professor compares some of her assignments to therapy. I'm not sure wether to be excited or freaked out.
On the bright side, I have two short stories in the works! Oh oh oh, and for this class, we have to send stuff out to try to get published! Oh, I want to get published so so badly!
And... I still have my entire Brit Lit assignment to read. Gahhh... I can't get into it.

*Hugs Felicia* Way to go on your two short stories !! Good luck getting published :)

*hugs everyone then goes to sit in the corner*

Nicole !! Hey how have you been? :) *Hugs*


I just blew 9 days S.I. free *sigh* it was bound to happen sometime . Sharron my nurse suggested I look up my BMI (Body Mass Index) online so I did , 1st one said I was obese , 2nd one said I was obese ,3rd one said I was obese , I didn't do a 4th one I got the message already . I knew I was fat and worthless , sorry

*hugs mark* hey, ive been awful :( i went to go ape near aylesbury today which was fun but i was feeling majorly ill because i OD'd last night and then was feeling even more ill cause i was nervous and then they put the harness on me and it was a guy and he was like tightening it between my legs and it gave me flashbacks and that was it i just puked :( howre you?

*hugs Nicole* I'm sorry you're having a bad time
*hugs Mark* I'm sorry you SIed. If it helps, I don't think you're fat or worthless *extra hugs*

Anyone wanna go to my News Reporting class in about 40 minutes? I want a nap and a chance to unbury myself from the mass amounts of homework I have. Damn myself for deciding to take 17 hours when I knew I struggled enough taking 14.

*hugs Nicole* Sorry you've had a bad day :(

*hugs helen* thanks, im just so exhausted :( and really want to cut.

Please try not to cut sweetheart, maybe have an early night??

Oh Nicole I'm sorry you had flashbacks and were ill *Gentle hugs* and your OD , please be careful Nicole with them :(

*Hugs Felicia* Thankyou for being so kind :)

I'm tired and I want to sleep to get away from my mind which is not being kind to me tonight . I'm dissapointed in myself. I want to sleep so I took 2 Diaz and an extra olanzapine , which isn't an OD just in case you were worried . So good night Felicia and Nicole and all my other Wardies *Squishes*

Oh Hey Helen! :) I hope you are doing okay *Hugs*

Mark, you are NOT obese, love, okay? BMI is simply a measurement of weight to height. You could be a muscular guy and still get an "obese" BMI measurement. I'm muscular for a girl and I get similar BMI readings and you tell me that I'm not fat, sooo... :-/ Logic? Anyway, I hope that you sleep well... take care of yourself... and 9 days SI-free is WONDERFUL!!! :) *cuddles* Even though you "blew it" ... it's still a start. :)

Nicole, so sorry that you had flashbacks & got ill. *hugs* Flashbacks really really suck... :( (and so does getting ill)

Hels, how are you, sweetie? *cuddles*

Felicia, good luck on the publishing!! My Advanced Poetry Writing class final was to submit some of our best poems for publication... so yeah. :D It's quite exciting to think about. :) Or dream about. Whatever... even if it doesn't happen. *cuddles* I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it - oh, and I wanted to say that I liked your video too. :) (I know it's long past due, me saying that, but oops... lol.)

*hugs helen, mark and april* thanks guys, and helen-i think i am gonna get an early night-im exhausted