Gahh I feel so dumb... :(

I am not doing too well in my advanced counseling techniques class... it's so hard & there's so much to do. I hate it. It's very interesting & not like any other class I've taken before, but I wish that I could just be done with the semester & not have to do all of the busywork. :(

Sorry, can't respond right now, am too frustrated with self. :( Just want to die... am so sick of life... but do I REALLY want to die?? or is it my brain playing tricks on me? I honestly don't know & am so ****ing confused about that, about how I "should" and "shouldn't" be feeling... when it's all rubbish anyway. I am so so sick of myself. I hate myself so much.

Anyway.

*hides in denial tent* :(

*hugs everyone*
sorry, there's been so many replies since last time i came on that i can't reply to all of you, but i'm thinking of you all and hoping that you're all feeling better and a bit stronger today *cuddles*

i don't really know how i feel at the moment. i'm just kind of existing. meh.
*hides under a duvet*

What's a duvet?

*cuddles LauraFriend* I understand that feeling, kind of blank & numbish... am I right? kind of at least? :-/

I'm really tired... just spent about half an hour trying to get a laptop connected to the uni wifi... so annoying!! But at least it connected, so I can do my quiz that's due today... ugh. :( I got an 11/15 last time, which really isn't that good. Am angry with myself about that. I WANT to be perfect... but it isn't going to happen.

:crying:

a comforter/blanket if i remember correctly.

*cuddles everyone*

*cuddles everyone*

Duvet is another word for quilt, least here it is :S

Sorry haven't really been talking/posting. Things aren't too great right now. My head is thumping again grrr :(

*hugs helen* its ok that u havent been replying much. Take care of yourself.

*hugs april* 11/15 isnt horrible. Its alright not be be perfect all the time. I know its hard and i know you want to be, but it just doesnt work like like hun. Im sure u already know that... *more huggles* I'm sorry that your mind is being mean to you right now but keep trying to stay strong. Oh and I dont think there is necessary a "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling... it just is what it is. Maybe stop trying to analyze what you are feeling and just be you. And if u need extra support dealing with who you are at the moment, then its not bad to go and try to get some. Keep talking and fighting.

*hugs laurafriend* hope you are alright.

*hugs crimson*

Just got back from my psych class, we talked about social anxiety disorder.. aka me in a nutshell... and my stupid anxiety took over. I mean I was sitting there thinking that everyone must be able to see that I am a complete screw up and that they are thinking about how ugly/stupid/ridiculous i am. I know that nobody was probably doing that... but yeah, it all got triggered by the fact that she started lecture with asking if anyone thought they knew someone with social anxiety and only like 3 ppl raised their hand.. me one of them (i shouldnt have even bothered but normally she just asks and then drops it) but no, today she was like can you guys explain what it is like for that person... A few tried... I couldnt speak, I wouldnt even look up from my notes. I could just feel my professor hating me for it... and then all hell broke loose in my mind for the rest of the hour and a half class. Am home now, going to go back to sleep for a bit i think. Then off to another horrible class. *sigh*

Just quietly checks in for the duration of the Chinese New Year.
I watched everyone else here deal with Christmas while I just worked through it and didn't notice. Now it's my turn to be alone while everyone else is celebrating with their family. And I can't see my counsellor for 2 weeks.
Curls up in the corner and chews teddy bear's ear.

Such.a.failure.

*cuddles everyone then disappears into a dark corner to cry*

*cuddles Kahlia and hands some tissues*

*takes tissues and clings tight to Helen*

Just make this depression stop .... It's been going for about 2 months now with no break.:crying:

*cuddles everyone*

*checks in*
Im new here and scared and just want to get away from everything.
All seems to keep going downhill and i havent been able to shift the black mood for a couple of weeks
*sits down on the floor, blank, wishes someone could look after her and tell her everythign will be ok*

*waves to Nicole* hi welcome, I'm Oliver
I'm sorry your feeling scared and feeling low.
*offers cuddles if you want*

*cuddles NicoleRose* welcome.
i hope things start to look up soon. i know how dark that place gets.

*hugs Kahlia* i am so sorry that you haven't had any break from this depression. its not fair. what about putting on some funny movies? even if you don't laugh or anything it can still help you take your mind off of things for a bit.

*Sefka Happy New Year! Sorry that you are not feeling so great. You'll get through it and we'll be here to help.

I went to my therapist today. we talked a lot about the day program she wants me to do. i am so apprehensive about it. it would mean taking time off of work. (which is the one thing that has sent me over the edge anyway) i don't want to take time off tho. i don't want anyone to notice me or my absence. I just want to blend into the background. where no one sees me. if i am gone for 2 weeks they will ask where i have been. what will i say? having intensive therapy because i am ill equipped to be a teacher? because that is what it feels like. like i am just a stupid baby brat that can't do anything with out whining about it.

so...i called and the place was closed for the day. oh well.

*sticks head in the sand*

Thanks all :) *cuddles back*

quiet one, sorry you are feeling like that, do you have to tell everyone where you have been??...is there nothing else you can come up with , unless you have to let people know. But that doesnt mean you cant do anything and are a baby, teaching can be a very stressful job even for those without any other problems, ...and maybe the break and the help will do you some good. I hope it goes ok for you.

hmm i seem to be stuggling to do anything at the moment appart from sleep or stay in all day doing nothing :(...think i have missed almost a week of uni, cant seem to bring myself to do much or focus on anything...but then will get lost doing something pointless or just playing on the computer because it is a distraction from the way i am feeling. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better and i can make it in.

*disappears*

*cuddles everyone*

My housemate asked me how I was before (while I was lying on my bed in the foetal position) and I burst into tears .... It's getting harder to hold it together ... maybe I should just stop trying.

*disappears into a dark corner to cry*

*hugs everyone*
*waves Hi to everyone I haven't met*
i've just got in after a night out....its 8am. ****. i have a lecture in 2 hours, i'm still drunk and......****.

Hi guys, how you all doing?

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, I was braving the big bad world. I was doing alright actually, feeling much less depressed on the whole...

But now I'm checking in again. Not feeling great. I'm meant to be at work today, a long shift at the hospital but I couldnt work up the energy to get up this morning. It sucks because I'm meant to be having an assessment today with my mentor. It just means I'll have to work during reading week and it won't count towards my hours :-( grr! Silly head!

*cuddles all round* I miss you all x x x

Hello everyone... sorry I haven't posted in a bit, been pretty busy with "just stuff." :-/

*cuddles Helen* Hels, you're not a failure. Not at all. What makes you think that?

*cuddles Sefka if that's okay?* I'm sorry you're feeling so down & lonely now... but maybe hanging out in here would help a bit? It's pretty busy & the people are lovely. I know it's not the same as "real life people" but it works for me most of the time... Please try & take care of yourself. You can do it. I believe that you are stronger than you think.

*cuddles Kahlia & hands tissues & bear to her* How're you doing, love? still the same? any more ideas on the book?

*cuddles NicoleRose if that's okay?* Welcome to RYL, this board, & this thread; I'm April. :) I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... what's going on? is there anything that I/we could do to help? And everything WILL be okay... I promise you. It may not seem remotely possible, but things WILL get better.

*cuddles quiet1* Personally, I think that being a teacher would be one of the MOST stressful jobs out there!! You're not a "stupid baby brat" because you are in need of more intensive care... it's just that you are struggling so much - & to function better, you need more help. You'll be a better teacher after you get all of the crap in your head a little more settled, if that makes any sense - and I am in NO WAY implying that you're a bad teacher now!! *more cuddles* And it doesn't sound to me like you're whinging. :) Just letting out some feelings to some people who care.

*cuddles Oliver* How you doing, love?

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you felt that way in class... I can understand it, I really can... we were talking about suicide & its prevention & how our psych club on campus is doing something for it, a rememberance day... and how a student is going to tell her story of depression & suicide attempt. It was very triggering for me as I have attempted twice in the past & knew that I could tell my OWN story... I dunno, does that make any sense? Oh, & I'm sure that the prof didn't hate you, sweetie... that's just you projecting. Everything will be fine. Maybe talk to him/her after class or at office hours sometime about your anxiety? (I know, seems silly, huh, to go & talk to someone about social anxiety... lol, sorry) *more cuddles*

*cuddles LauraFriend* I hope that you feel better soon... please be careful with the drinking, sweetie. Don't let it get out of hand if you can help it. :(

I'm meh.

*cuddles everyone*
*curls up in corner to sleep* only had 3 hours sleep last night and got rehearsal in an hour, insomnia sucks.

*hugs everyone*
grarg. well i made it to my lecture. **** knows how. uuuuurgh. last night was very very very weird. good weird but still weird. and now my head is ****ed. argh. why do all the nice guys have to have girlfriends? and still try it on!? grarg. watevs. i need to stop drinking quite so much. i was still drinking at 2am....after having started at 7....and i'm not a slow drinker. :/
*hides in a corner*

*cuddles everyone*

I have a really really bad headache, going to down my face aswell :( *curls up and dies*

*cuddles for all*

Oliver, I'm sorry that you got so little sleep!! That sucks... :( And with a rehearsal coming up... :( Insomnia does suck.

Helen, headaches are awful. Wish I could take it away from you... because they can be so painful & annoying!! How are you doing other than that?

LauraFriend, wish I could do more to help!! I'm sorry that you feel like crap... want a hot tea or summat to help? I dunno, tea seems to help me a lot. :)

I'm so tired. I got up at 4:45am today... and just want to go back to bed!! I have to be on campus at 11:30am to do blood pressure readings for our health psych lab. I'm paired with a cute guy who is engaged to another psych major... they make a cute couple. :) But it makes it a little awkward to be his "partner" - you know? :-/

Played WoW for a bit, read some YA fiction for a bit (finished the book I wanted to finish, woohoo!!), and cuddled Daniel for a bit. *sigh* Don't wanna do schoolwork today. My brain hurts; it's dying. :(

My psych portfolio is due on Monday (for looking over) and I barely have anything for it. Uh-oh. Prayers that I manage to get a huuuge amount done on it over the weekend would be appreciated!!

*hides*

*cuddles April*

My head is still killing me. I think emotionally I'm on the floor but not feeling it most of the time if that makes sense? Also feeling bit impatient and stuff about things..

Why do you get up so early?? I can see why it's awkward to be his 'partner' for that class :p Have fun :) Hope you can get your work done, keeping my fingers crossed for you =)

*hugs and cuddles for everyone in here -- name is Matt btw if it makes it easier for some... i dunno*

I feel like I am losing it and not cut out to be what I am. Watching everyone around me doing better or having a great time while I fight battles in which I hope to win. It just makes me disappointed in myself... and my so called friends do nothing to help in that aspect.

*screams and hides in the corner*

*waves at Matt and Nicole* I'm Crimson *extends hand*
*cuddles April, Helen, Laurafriend, Laurastar, Kahlia*
Sorry to many posts to answer em all so I'm starting with a clean slate post...

I've realized today that venting feels a lot like talking to a brick wall. But it does make the weight of my little world easier to lift... Anyone else feel weird posting in r/v? Maybe it's just because mine ends up more like a forum based journal... :ermm:

*hugs everyone*
*waves at Matt* hii :) you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself. you should be proud of the fact that you're fighting and not just giving in :) *hugs*

last night was utterly....****ed up. my "friend" keeps shouting at me about everything...that i'm drinking too much, smoking, that i slept with this guy last week, and she was telling me that i was making myself worse by turning myself into a "victim". like, WTF?! i hardly talk about him because i know everyone gets bored, and i don't want to keep thinking about it. and she's never here anyway. argh. she's just pissing me off massively atm. and she shouted at me in the bar last night so i ran out crying, to have another one of my friends catch me and make me tell her what was up. ARGH! she's not helping...just keeps telling me i'm ****, which i know, SO WHY KEEP GOING ON ABOUT IT?!
*bursts into tears*

Just posted in my r/v thread if anyone wants to look... suicide/ED triggers.

*hides in darkest corner where she can cry without anyone noticing*

Hi all **hugs everyone** hi Matt.
Sorry that everyone seems to be feeling so bad right now

*hugs scarlet dreamer* and hope you are ok, anything I can help with??
And to your question..... I don't really know why I've been feeling so bad lately , had depression for a long time and SI and seemedto be dealing with that a bit better but now it's all going downhill and feel very low and self concious. I guess I don't have many reasons to feel like this, my life is ok, there's quite alot of stressful things going on all the time, but who doesn't have that???? Always had very low self esteem, every day is a struggle now and I don't have the energy to do anything, I feel kind of alone too, I have people around me.....but I just don't feel it, it just doesn't feel like people understand or are saying anything nice to me.
I hate myself, wish the person I love would give me s compliment or say something good about me cos I am struggling to find anything, but seems they only notice the bad stuff too
my boyfriend just moaned at me for asking for a sigarette, cos he keeps having to pay for it and I dint have my own, reason is is that I have no money..... My student loan us nearly gone but gotta last a couple more months. Money is gone because I have been lending my boyfriend alot of money for rent and bills cos he couldn't afford to pay them. But now he just made me feel like I am selfish and not worth anything and that everyone else has to pay fir me.

I'm feeling stressed, stressed about money and how it's gunna last, and want to cut :(

*sits in a dark corner and cries*

Waves at everyone (I'll cuddle later.) Curls up and immediately falls asleep.

In an attempt to cheer people up... To explain this conversation I need to say I'm trying to do my family tree and asked my father to have Grammie put post-it notes with the info on them on all her old family pictures (I use ancestry.com so I can add in the pics...) since no one else in the family has old pics or knows who's in the ones she has (and all of the ones from the date my grandparents married till my father was a teen were lost when my great uncle's basement flooded)... Well this task has taken a few months now and this is the email I got this morning:

So my mother says, "I'm done with the pictures, and now...", and I interrupt and say "I'll come over and get them" and she continues, "...I'll write the notes next."
Huh?
"What have you been doing so far?" I ask.
"Sorting them."

I burst out laughing... That was just too funny not to for me.
But I don't mind the wait (she's also finding documents) as I've been getting more family information as she goes...
Just thought I'd share my funny email... hope it make you guys smile :)

*curls up crying in corner* such a stupid, failure of a freak. Triggered really badly.
I could really do with a hug right now, if its ok to ask.

*hugs Frenchhorn gently* you are not a freak or failure
sorry you fel triggered.... Welli do too at the moment :(

^^this.

Do you want to talk about it Oliver?

I fail at everything, even the thing I am meant to be good at I am terrible at.

i hate myself. i wish i could just disappear. apparently everyone would be much better off without me.

*cuddles laurafriend* people would not be better without you, dont let yourself think that. what happened hun?

*cuddles oliver* you don't fail at everything. Hang in there.

*hugs crimson* that is pretty funny. Good luck with your family tree thing.

*hugs nicolerose* im sorry that your so stressed right now. try to do something nice for yourself. stay strong.

*hugs matt* Sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. Its hard, I feel the same way about people being happy all around me and doing good in life yet i'm just kinda stuck where i am feeling like a failure. That sucks that your friends arent being very supportive.

*cuddles april* i know i keep saying this but you have to keep fighting hun. I read your venting spot. Dont let your professor crush your dreams, if you want to be a therapist then u should follow what you want to do. It'll work out if it was meant to be, and until you find that out u just have to keep moving forward with what u feel is right.

*hugs helen* I hope that your head feels better.

As the hypocrite that I am, telling everyone to hang in there. I now must say that I don't want to hang in there much longer. Too stressed about everything. Not even managing not to SI at the moment. Nothing too bad.. its just kinda there i guess.

*hugs Laura* sorry hun. i know what you mean about the SI. look after yourself *cuddles*

i just...my friends all think i'm being an idiot but have no idea how to help me. i have no idea what i want. i just know that at the moment i hate myself and my friends are getting pissed off with me.

argh i just want to die, cant handle much more. curls up and crys

*cuddles everyone*

I don't want to die ..... I just don't want to live anymore. The sentence that confused the hell out of the crisis team when I rang them yesterday.

My mood just won't lift .... I'm so over it. 9:45 in the morning and I'm already thinking of suicide. *sigh*

*disappears into the darkness*

*cuddles everyone*

Argh I'm so worried :/ My best friend reallllly needs help and I can't do much to help her :'( Please let him find her soon, please please please. :'(

i cut. i liked it. i want to be done living now.
i suck at life.
*cries and locks self in bathroom*

Hugs quiet 1 and frenchhorn - you don't suck or fail. But I know the feeling.
Hugs everyone else. But I have no words now.
I'm going back to bed.
<falls asleep>

*cuddles everyone*

It's officially 30 degrees C here ... and I'm shivering and getting goosebumps. Mood is still the same. It just makes it seem like nothing is worth it anymore if you know what I mean. Meh.

*curls up in a dark corner somewhere*

God... I just wrote my complaint to the Queensland Health Quality & Complaints commission about my last two hospitalisations. I'm now shaking like a leaf. I read it to my housemate to make sure it was okay. He said it was good. I asked for a formal apology from the Director of Mental Health and an assurance that the pdoc who was my consultant would never be my consultant again. I also told them that they couldn't forward my complaint on to the hospital because "it would be met with an aggressive defensive attitude on the part of the current Director of Mental Health which would effectively bias the investigation".

Man, oh, man. I've taken a Xanax so I should calm down shortly.

*hugs everyone the disappears into a corner to try and control the shaking*

I haven't been around in a long while, and i feel terrible coming back when i'm feeling shitty, but i figure this is better than any other option.
I just need a place to hide for a while.

*hides in a corner*

*hugs Sefka* Hii :) hope the sleep helped. i wanna sleep....urgh. too much work. o wells.

*hugs Kahlia* your complaint sounds like a very good idea. they seem to have been fairly rubbish and not much help for you. *hugs* hope they listen to what you have to say.

*hugs Inkyspider* *hands a blanket and cookies* i like coming in here to hide for a while too.

*cuddles everyone else*

urgh. i'm soooo tired. but i'm going out again. i'm an idiot. and i told my friend how i felt and she said that she was having issues dealing with my problems as well as hers. so now i feel great. FFS. i now have no-one i can actually talk to. fab.
*cries and hides under a duvet* and yea a duvets the thing you put on your bed :) its waaaaarm

<hugs Laura back> thanks :) I'm too sleepy.
<hugs Kahlia> good luck with the complaint.
<hugs Inkyspider> your picture is one of the cutest I've seen.

<falls asleep again>
Naps rule and duvets are the greatest inventions EVAR!