I think the numbness has stopped and the pain is back. I still want to destroy myself. I'm trying not to. I can't break my promise. This pain WILL end eventually, and they're feeling it too I know. It's so so so so hard. But she's my best friend, I'm doing it for her, for us both, for me...

Today isn't going well. I seem to have got really ill with the flu over night, had to go to work this morning as I can't miss out on the money at the moment. Spent most of my 2 hours at work trying not to vomit/faint/cry and what made it worse was I was notetaking for a student who does health and social care so spent the whole seminar having to listen to people talk about mental health problems - I despair at the fact that even the people who are going to be working in the mental health field were so unsympathetic.

I've got two hours now before I have to present some creative work in my own seminar, what I've written is awful. I can barely talk because my throat is so sore. All I want to do is curl up in a ball but I've missed so much uni recently I'm going to get in big trouble if I don't go, I can't afford to resit the year and my uni supervisor is already hinting at that being what they want to do. I can't really process my thoughts so I doubt any of this is making sense.

I am so tired. Feel even worse than I did a couple of days ago because I am so ill on top of everything else. I really don't know how long I can last. I've told my boyfriend that I'm not doing so good and he got really angry, as always. I feel awful putting him through this and I understand why he finds it so frustrating, I just wish I could make him see that the guilt thing makes it even worse.

I just want this all to end.

*squishes Helen* You know in your head that self destruction isn't the way to go, that it's wrong etc... hopefully your heart will know it soon, love. And I hope that that makes sense!! heh. How are you doing? I wish I could help you all so much more than I can...

*cuddles Ayla, if that's okay?* I'm so sorry that you're ill... just got over the flu myself in the beginning of January & it was awful, pretty much just stayed in bed. :( Hope you feel better soon... it must be horrific trying to keep functioning whilst being so sick!! And I'm also sorry that your boyfriend isn't being as supportive as he could be - because that's what you need right now, support, not criticism. *gentle hugs* I understand why my husband gets upset with me at times, but that doesn't mean that it's right for him to do that. It's understandable... but it doesn't mean that it's what you need. Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm ill too - head cold - so my head is a bit muzzy too!! heh.

Therapy wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... am still passively suicidal & feeling ****ing worthless. It feels like I can't do anything right, like I'm just a worthless person, stupid & annoying etc. :(

I wish I could whisk us all off to a perfect world... :(

*curls up and dies*
Please wake me when the nightmare has ended.

I know the feeling... *cuddles Helen more*

Oliver, I forgot to welcome you to this thread... so... WELCOME. :) And *cuddles lots* too. How are you doing?

Am going to post in my r/v thread... I think... *sigh*

*cuddles April*
I tried to read your r/v thread.
Brain isn't taking anything in.
Well tiny bits.

*gently holds Helen and rocks back & forth* Wish I could help you, sweetie. Thanks for trying to read it, no worries that your brain couldn't take anything much in - you're going through a lot right now.

Just want to b/p. Ugh. :crying:

You know on Saturday night.
Before she went away and came back.
I said...it can't get much worse than this, well apart from someone dying.
How wrong I was :'( :'( :'(

Don't even know why I'm telling you this.
Nobody needs to know that piece of useless information.


God I want to cut.
So much.
Yet I'm stopping myself.
I have to.

*cuddles April, rocking back & forth too*

*hugs Oliver* I know the feeling....hope you're feeling a bit better *hands a cookie*

*hugs Kahlia* aww hun, i wish there they would do something for you :( *hugs*

*hugs Helen* self destruction is what i feel like too atm....my counsellor says its not a good way to go (lol)....

*hugs Ayla* yea, the guilt thing really doesn't help. my friend trys it on a regular basis but it's not like we can help it....urgh. *hugs* hope you feel better soon! x

*hugs April* i hope your day wasn't as bad as you thought it might have been - its good therapy was kinda helpful. *hugs* hope your cold gets better soon! x

counselling was horrible. it was so emotionally draining....i told my counsellor everything that's happened in the last week pretty much. and she's given me a leaflet on self esteem, told me to go to the doctors and to write a list of what i can do to help myself for the next session. urgh. she also suggested that i buy some sort of soft toy with beans in that i can carry around in my bag so if i feel angry when i'm out i can hold that rather than hiding in the toilet and self harming. so i did. he's very cute and called splodge :) lol

i'm going out later...it's presidential election results in our college later (massive deal!) and one of my friends is going for it so that'll be stressful, esp. if he doesn't get it. also, the guy that i've been having the issues will be there....and that didn't go too well last night when i saw him so *fingers crossed* i'll be ok. but, just to be on the safeside, i'm gonna get drunk before i go down...haha. urgh. i'm a wreck

*hugs Helen* aww hun. i know how you feel.....michael mcintyre dvd anyone? *puts it on*

*hugs you lots*
Cant...really..talk..

*cuddles helen gently* aw hun, i wish i could say something that will help. Sorry that thing are getting worse. Try to stay strong

*hugs kahlia* sorry that you feel so low. I read your thing about the hospitals. Sounds like a good idea to put in some sort of complaint. I can't believe your town has had so many poor mental health professionals.

*hugs laurafriend* sorry that you are emotionally drained for counseling, but it sounds like it may have been kinda productive. I hope ur okay if u see that guy.

*cuddles alya* That sucks that you are so sick. Its hard to function like that i know. I agree that your bf doesnt sound like he's being very supportive.. I understand tho, my bf always gets angry too when i tell him i'm having a hard time dealing...

*hugs april* I reading ur venting spot. You are not worthless at all hun. I understand what you mean about wanting a new brain. I've actually said that same thing before... but then you wouldn't be you. Your a great/strong/supportive person. You've made it this far, don't give up now.

I'm so tired and i have no reason to be. Dreading the week. I doubt it'll be good at all. I feel overwhelmed and alone.. *hides in corner*

Mondays are always so awful.

*cuddles april, laura_friend and laura_star*

I'm pretty useless at knowing what to say in response right now, just got home from uni and I can't think straight (I guess it's good that I made myself go in, but I wish I hadn't).

*hides under a blanket for the forseeable future*

*hugs everyone*

Wow, a lot of posts since the last time that I posted... which wasn't TOO long ago. :) That makes me happy.

*cuddles Helen* I'm so glad that you're stopping yourself from cutting... I am too... although I really want to at the mo... have access to a sharp & just realized that. Want to use it so badly... I wish that the urges would just leave me alone for once!! :( Us alone, I guess is the better way to put it. What do you mean with the first few lines of your post? *more cuddles*

*cuddles LauraFriend* Sometimes the toughest counseling sessions are the "best" ones - i.e., the ones that get the most done. I'm glad that you were honest with her about what's going on... & I totally understand the emotionally draining bit!! Don't quit going though... even if you are thinking about it, it's a bad idea. I think you'll be getting somewhere shortly, especially if you continue to be honest with your counselor. :) Are you sure it's a wise idea for you to get drunk before going out tonight? :-/ doesn't seem like a good idea to me, but that might just be me. *gentle hugs*

*cuddles LauraStar* But you see, maybe the new brain would be a BETTER me... because honestly I don't see much about me that's good. :( I wish that I could see what you all see (if you see good things about me that is!!)... or what Jarrod sees. :( I hate feeling so blind. Oh, & I also feel overwhelmed & alone... but you're not alone, & you can take each day one step at a time. That's what my therapist told me to do today. ♥

*cuddles Ayla* Why are you sorry that you went to uni? are you feeling more ill than you were before, or did something bad happen? Don't worry about thinking straight, it's difficult to do when you're sick!! :)

I ate lunch... and now really want to purge. I hate myself so so much.

:crying:

*cuddles April*
Please try not to hurt yourself in any way please???
I know how bad the urges are :(
The first few lines is just referring to the situation with me and my bestie.
Not that anyone on ryl except us two know every detail.

*hugs everyone*
April - please don't hurt yourself *hugs* it will get better - look at where you've come from 2005!*hugs*

I dunno that i'm actually going out tonight...i just dunno that i can face C without being drunk because it completely ****ed up my head last night when i saw him.....having said that, i'm about to see him (most probably) in about 10 minutes when i go for tea.....thinking about it makes me feel sick. physically sick. i dunno about counselling....its kinda helping but kinda not. i just....urgh. i dunno.
*hides in a corner*

*hugs* how is everyone this morning?
my comp went wonky at home so i missed being on the net for more than a day of this weekend but even if it's still only half repaired i have internet here at work (the only thing that made me actually want to get out of bed today)...

*hugs april* I do see good things in you. You are nice and supportive. You always respond to everyone even when u are having a hard time, and I know that you have had a hard time and you've gotten thru it which shows ur strong. *cuddles* keep trying to fight the urges.

*hugs helen*

*hugs laurafriend* good luck with seeing him. I hope it goes alright. Stay strong.

Can someone please make my brain stop racing around from one thing to the next and sometimes feel like its getting caught on repeat? (I know that prolly doesn't make any sense.. sorry)

^^ sorry i missed you. We mustve been typing at the same time. Good to see you back around.