*hugs Crimson, Laura and Ian*

*hugs my wardies* Hope everyone's ok? Sorry haven't read back, have been dissociating like crazy so my brains a lil fried.

*Random rant alert* whats the bloody point putting a trigger tag on a bloody thread if you're gonna use triggering words in the title? bloody imbeciles!!! raaarrrrgghhh.

Sorry guys. much love xx

Hi everyone.

Hey Lindsay, how are you hun?

I'm ok, I think. How are you, Mara?

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs Ian*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Mara*
*hugs Lindsay*

how are you all?

Today I found out that my mom knows that I purge and in her opinion it is disgusting and sick.
I'm not underweight, I'm in the normal BMI range. I feel fat though.

*hugs Laura* I'm sorry about what your Mum thinks and how you are feeling, that must be tough. I'm here if you want to talk.

I'm feeling lonely and like I want to die or at least overdose.

*cuddles Lindsay*

*hugs all*

*finds puppy sinclair and feeds him, then hides*

erghhhhh.
*curls up and sighs*

*snuggles oliver if want*

*hugs Crimson*
*hugs Laura*
*hugs Oliver*
*hugs Mara*
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Heather*

*hugs everyone* *leaves cookies & fruit*

Feeling like crap today, was having a really rough week last week & must've been talking more than I thought & my psychologist made a few comments about how I was ranting lots, and in a bad mood (which I knew anyway), and how he was exhausted now after listening to me & it really hurt my feelings. Is that stupid? I have another appointment with him today & I don't wanna go now because I feel really stupid & invalidated.

That was quite a horrible thing that your psychologist said,no wonder you are feeling the way you are. Can you tell him how he made you feel?

sneaks in and curls up.

*hugs Lindsay, Ian, Shad, Mara and Heather*

I'm feeling really anxious, managed to get to my GP appt, but only cos I cut, cos otherwise I was too anxious and paranoid to leave my flat. The GP I saw is going to talk to my normal GP on monday and get in touch with psych and then ring me, cos she wants to increase one of my meds. Monday is when my mum and sister arrive, so I may have to tell them what is going on and they don't know about the paranoia and how it affects me. I'm really scared at the possibility of them finding out.

*hugs Oliver* glad you went to your GP appointment.
*hugs Heather*
*hugs Ian*
*hugs Mara* he shouldn't have said that.
*hugs Lindsay*
*hugs Shad*

how are you all?

Today was my last chance to tell my dad that I'm going to the psych ward in 3 and a half weeks. I didn't tell him.
Umm... is it ok if I write a letter to tell him and explain a few of the reasons?

*hugs everyone*

*hugs Laura* It seems like a good idea to me, but I'd explain why you felt the need to write it instead of talking to him though so he understands.

Does anybody else get kinda freaked out around their birthday time? I just fully realized I'm 29 next week and now I feel almost like I can't breathe... Like that knowledge and my age are suffocating me if that makes sense.
I know it's just a day and just an age but now that it's 'set in' I can't seem to shake it off. :(

Oliver, what scares you about your Mum and Sister finding out?

Laura, a letter sounds like a really good idea. It's often easier to express things through the written word and it will give you time to think about what you want to say.

Crimson, I feel like that too. It's kind of like something you can't control and that's scary.

*hugs Laura, Crimson and Lindsay*

I'm scared of them finding out cos I don't want to worry them and don't want to put extra stress on them, I'm trying to protect them and I'm scared I'll be a failure to them.

*hugs Lindsay and Oliver and Laura*

*hugs Crimson* it's the same for me. Last time around my birthday I kept thinking that I'm not meant to be that old.

*hugs Lindsay*

*hugs Oliver* I kept everything hidden because I didn't want to worry them, but now that they know it's kind of a relief.

The reason why I didn't tell him is that I'm scared of his reaction. Sometimes I'm scared of my dad and I don't want him to know that. He could use that information to manipuate me. Our relation isn't the best.
I could tell him that I wasn't able to tell him, because I was having a good time and didn't want to think about hospital, because it scares me. Does that sound realistic?

*hugs laura and Crimson*

they know a bit, cos I had to tell them I was in a psych ward last year and they know I have BPD, depression and anxiety, but they think I'm ok and they don't know how bad it is, like the fact I've been ODing and self harming a lot and they don't know about the paranoia and voices.
sorry rambling now, shall shut up sorry

*hides*

*cuddles Oliver* do you have to tell them all or could you just tell them that you are not feeling well and that there is a lot of stuff going on for you?

I could, but my mum would want to know everything, she is like that and in a way I want her to know everything, but I'm scared I don't want to worry her.

*hugs Oliver* As a parent I can tell you that she worries anyway. Maybe knowing would make worry less so to speak... Know what you're against rather than worrying about everything?

Hmmm... not sure I typed that out right... Sorry
*curls up*

*hugs Crimson* thanks for the advice.

erm nevermind.

*hugs Jill*
You can PM if you need sweets...

*hugs Oliver*

*hugs Jill and Crimson* I'm here if anyone needs to talk

thank you both, but i dont even know were to begin. my heads a mess tonight really loud and wont shut up. hugs both oliver and crimson back

have you tried an r/v thread? mine doesn't always make sense or have an order to it but it's a place to let things out whichever way they want to come out... not really used for ranting or venting so much as letting go...

*hugs all*
I'm off for home for now...
Luv you guys!

*hugs everyone*

hey guys, how's everyone doing?

Not so good :( I'm feeling very suicidal and annoyed that I can't overdose tomorrow because people are coming to tile my kitchen. Then I have something on every day until next Sunday so i'm just going to have to wait.

How are you, Mara?

:sad: I suppose that's a good thing technically? Though I do understand why/how it's annoying. **huggles** Anything in particular getting you down or you just feel crap? I'm around for a bit if you need to talk m'love.

I'm ok I suppose, struggling with some rather severe thoughts, but think I'll be ok. I'm really pissed off because one of my rats got out of the cage last night - some are fine & will be ok out of the cage & go back when they want to, but this one's a new rescue & I can't catch him & it's really stressing me out. That, coupled with 2 very ill rats is leading me to a total break down. I feel a bit sad, I've been off sick for a while now & my team (only 5 of us) invited my ex-manager (who's on maternity) to a bbq on Friday on facebook, but they didn't ask me & it makes me feel really shitty, is that bad/weird? I probably wouldn't have gone anyway as I'm crap with people atm, but I feel forgotten. Nothing new there I suppose... (sorry for the rant, didn't realize so much was bothering me!)

hugs all and curls up

*hugs Jill, Mara, Lindsay and Crimson*

I'm feeling really suicidal, but can't OD as my mum and sister are coming on monday for the week then I'm going home with them for a few days after. I wish I was dead more than anything, while cycling to the gym I kept wishing a car would hit me and kill me and this isn't the first time I have thought of something like that, I think about it a lot, but havn't told any medical professionals about it, cos I'm scared of how they will react.
sorry guys I'll shut up now

*hides*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Oliver* im sorry your feeling that way, you really should tell the proffessionals, you need to be honest with them. I realise you are scared but if you dont tell them they cant help you.

*Hugs Lindsay*

*Hugs Mara if ok?*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*hugs Ian* how are you?

*hugs everyone*

*giant hugs*

*hugs all*

I'm visiting Moni for 3 weeks and I dunno if I have the time to come online a lot.
Hope you are all ok.

I hope you have a good time, Laura. Take care.

*hugs all*

How are you, Oliver?

I'm feeling stressed cos I can't OD, I feel like I'm addicted to ODing, which is bad.
how are you Lindsay?

hugs oliver and lindsay.

*hugs Louise* how are you?

*hugs oliver* I could be better :(