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SoMuchMore 26-03-2010 05:53 PM

*cuddles helen and april* sry i was typing while u guys were..

MammaMia 26-03-2010 06:41 PM

*cuddles Laura and April*

Well managed to stay awake. My head feels mashed, so can't support much. Sorry :(

April, they said this "I have had a number of people interested in the role. I have offered the temporary assignment to a young lady who approached me yesterday. I will let you know if another position arises in the future."

Meh :/

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 06:59 PM

*cuddles LauraStar* I can definitely understand being more pissed off than before... but you know that it IS his fault and not anyone else's. He's just a scumbag, if you don't mind me using the term... heh. I hope that you find peace in this matter. ♥

*cuddles Helen* Awh... I've never been interviewed for a job, really - have that "fun" coming up in the next few months probably - but I can imagine how disappointing it would be to hear that. Especially since you don't already have a job... stupid economy stuff. :( I hope that you find a job soonish... ♥

I am really, really tired, and I also really, really don't want to go to my soc class. Only thing on campus today and I have already been out, am exhausted and don't want to venture out again. :( I hate uni. I hate having to go to classes, especially because we have an exam in this class on Monday. And he said that it was going to be the hardest one. I got an 88% (B+) on the other one... I tied for the highest grade in the class. I should be proud, I guess, but I'm not... I mean, it's only a B+. :(

I just want to give up... :crying:

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 07:12 PM

Updated - AGAIN - my r/v thread...


Wish I could SI. Or cry.

CrazyHayley 26-03-2010 07:32 PM

*huggles mark* its good that you want to aim for your one month free bracelet again, but perhaps that is too big of a goal at the moment and can seem 'not real'?! You went a day without SI yesterday, perhaps just setting yourself a daily goal at first would be helpful? And then maybe you could look at the bigger picture as in, well I may not have achieved X amount consectutive days SI free, but I SI'd only half the week? Just an idea, so that you are reducing your SI but not putting pressure on yourself or feeling like a failure if you do one day free and then slip up. I hope that makes sense.

*huggles Em* (borntobleed - have I got that correct?) It's horrid when no one is paying you any attention and you are stuggling so so horribly and withdrawn. But please don't withdraw from us in here, let this be your place of peace whilst you gather some strength to keep fighting. You are just a babe in comparison to some of us in here (I clicked on user profile to check your name!), so we'll all have a few years of advice or more on life to help you with things, or to just offer supportive huggles when words are beyond us. Don't say goodbye to us, try to hang on.

*huggles April* I think you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I don't doubt your tremendous struggles that you're having at the moment, but what amazes me and shows me what a good strong person you are, is the advice and support that you're still able to give others at this time. I also hope the home care thingy with jarrod works out. I've no idea how things like your situation work in the US. As much as I have a moan now and again about the silly benefits system and NHS here in england, I would be lost without it. Street homeless and probably dead by now without healthcare. So hearing your struggles with prescriptions etc, makes me realise how lucky I am.

*huggles Laura* Its good to get angry and want to kick him as it'll help you heal. I know how you feel though when you find out someone who you loved wasn't actually the person you thought that they were and manipulated you - it taints all the memories and I know what you mean by feeling that you wasted the time you had together. I know its a cliche but time will heal, and you'll be able to look back on those 4years and be able to pick out things that you have learnt, experiences had etc that were positive and will be with you for the rest of your life. Also this very experience of the break up, although painful right now, will make you stronger and more aware so that for future relationships you are more prepared and therefore likely to find someone who truely deserves you.

*huggles Helen* aww shame about the job. I've never had to do job hunting thank goodness, I was blessed by jobs that I enjoyed from 16 when I was able to work. I've been signed off sick for nearly 4years now :( though at the moment I'm glad I'm not well enough to be looking for work - it'd be even harder. So I'm one less person to take up jobs out there, an extra chance for you! :) Just be patient and don't loose heart, everyone is struggling to find work at the moment so don't take anything personally.

me? pass.... next question....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

MammaMia 26-03-2010 07:56 PM

*cuddles April and Hayley lots*

Ah Hayley, you're such a sweetheart. That made me smile. Yes, I'm sure I'll find something eventually. =) Just losing heart, something will turn up I'm sure..

CrazyHayley 26-03-2010 08:00 PM

I'm glad I made you smile Helen - that makes me smile too! :-D

I'm getting all anxious about a phonecall I plan to do tomorrow to my father about, well, everything. I don't want to go into it now as Eoghan (ewan) is out drinking all night, which is why I'm waiting til tomorrow. Anyhoo, so its distraction time. World of Warcraft here I come!

*takes her geeky self to the corner of the ward and turns into a gnome!*

PoisonedApple 26-03-2010 08:09 PM

i am such a moron...
i missed 8 questions on my test... 3 of them i had written the right answer then erased it and put something else...
i still passed but still... such an idiot.

MammaMia 26-03-2010 08:22 PM

You're not an idiot, I promise *cuddles*

Hayley, enjoy gaming =)

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 09:45 PM

Yey WoW... :D

The sad bit is that I don't want to even play that anymore. :( But gnomes rock. :D What class is s/he, Hayley?

I just want to sleep... :(

shadowedsoul 26-03-2010 10:26 PM

goes to a corner and rocks back and forth. cries my heart out. =[

PoisonedApple 26-03-2010 10:35 PM

*cuddles Helen*
I hate second guessing myself... that test lowered my semester average from an A to a B... 6 lessons to finish... hopefully I can keep my average from dropping more. (3 essays, 1 research based ethics eval and 2 exams on the court system) I suck at essays though so I've been procrastinating and over thinking them probably... and the books on the court system are soooooo boring I just can't keep focused on them... And I lost my Paralegal Ethics Rules book so I had to print the current ethics laws from the net to even begin this project... I have to get this finished in 4 months or I run out of extentions...

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 11:17 PM

*cuddles Jill* What's going on, hon?

*cuddles Crimson* Sorry, no words of advice here, just cuddles... my brain's fried and I am utterly exhausted at the moment.

*cuddles Helen* How's your evening going?

I feel awful. Even "New Moon" couldn't get my mind off of me for awhile. That just sucks. :crying: I hate being so "full of myself," if you will have it put that way, that even a well-made and exciting film won't get my head out of my own arse. I hate it.

And I still really, really want to die. :(

shadowedsoul 26-03-2010 11:50 PM

sent you a pm scarletdreamer, sorry if thats too much, or triggery.

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 11:52 PM

It wasn't too much or too triggery, Jill, just know that I won't be able to respond tonight. Sending you lots of hugs though - can't get my thoughts in a straight enough line to make enough sense to help you. :( But I'll try tomorrow. *big cuddles*

*hides in a really really dark corner*

Scarletdreamer 26-03-2010 11:56 PM

Sorry if this is offensive to anyone who is not Christian, but I thought that the principles of it can be seen here in the site ("love never fails you")... and it's a positive song... so yeah. Hope you like it. :-S If you find it offensive, please ask me to remove it.

shadowedsoul 27-03-2010 12:01 AM

no worries april, please stay safe. big bear hugs if its okay.

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 12:06 AM

I'll stay safe... don't worry about me.

And hugs are always welcome!!! :)

MammaMia 27-03-2010 12:40 AM

*cuddles everyone*

Havign a **** evenong but a good one too. My ear's really ****ed up at the moment. Can't hear that well anyway (am deaf) but like, I really can't hear out of my right ear clearly, it's like ringing most of the time (which my ears do) and yeah, all quality's ****ed. Don't know how to explain it. But it's really distressing :(

Kahlia1981 27-03-2010 01:12 AM

*huggles everybody*

Sorry no individual replies but there's been 2.5 pages of posts since I was last in here and I just can't keep up.

I crashed out on the couch last night after getting a phonecall from my housemate saying he'd be on the next bus home. He sent me a text about 30 minutes later and I was fast asleep already! I only woke up when he unlocked the security door. I was supposed to have started dinner and done all sorts of stuff. :(

I still managed to crash out last night until after 9am this morning. And then went back to bed until 10:45.

I have to go to the shops and pick up my mobile phone that I took in as it was under warranty and the battery kept dying. Seriously I could make like 1 phonecall and then, if I tried to make another one/got another one, it would just die mid call. And it was less than 6 months old. So they've replaced the battery and updated the software. I've been using a really old phone so it'll be nice to have mine back again.

*hugs everyone, leaves a plate full of kit-kat's on the table and disappears into a corner*

Doikers 27-03-2010 10:32 AM

Sorry I have no individual replies , so many posts to catch up on
Next week I'm at my parents house while they 1) Take my sister and Bro in law to Birmingham to get Bro in laws permenant Visa , He is from The Gambia and they have a child together , they met while my sister was in Africa last year , so romantic ,awwwww , so I'm dog sitting and 2) for easter , we don't really DO Easter but we are just spending it together. I'm already freaking out that I won't get the privacy to S.I. and planning ways to S.I. in my mind , I have to be really secretive and quick , *Sigh*

There's a whole lot I want to type out about how I'm feeling , I'm really low and I feel selfish for being low with my Brother in laws Visa request stressing out the whole family .

*Group Hugs*

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 12:32 PM

*group cuddles*

Where to start, where to start...

Hels, I'm sorry that you had a bad night last night... are you feeling better now? I hope so... :( I hate thinking of you not feeling/doing very well, although I know it's a more common state than not for most of us here. *hugs tightly* Take care of yourself, okay?

Mark, that is a sweet story about your brother in law and sister. :) I hope that he gets his visa... and I hope that you won't find a need to SI then, because sometimes quick & secretive SI'ing can be worse than the opposite. *curls up next to* I hope that today goes better for you than yesterday or the day before that... how are you feeling? just low? Oh, and please, please, PLEASE don't feel selfish for feeling low with what's going on with your family... we can't really control our moods all that well at times, so don't beat yourself up over that. Easier said than done, I know, but please, try. *hugs*

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're so exhausted. I am too... went to bed at 9pm last night and got up at 6am today... so tired. I will probably be taking a nap sometime today if I can get away with it... it's an escape, I am aware, but at least I can escape somehow!! That sucks about your phone - I hope that they fixed it. :) How's the depression? still hanging about? *hugs*

I cried last night. I honestly didn't think that I could but I did. Jarrod made me by "playing chicken with a freight train" - being cold and unsupportive on purpose just to let me get the tears out. Not the best tactic, I will admit, but it worked. I didn't feel much better after crying though... so I don't even know why I bothered. Crying is so stupid... at least, for me to do. :( Hypocritical I know.


I still feel like ****. I want to cry, but it didn't help, only made my contacts dry. I want to take a hot shower but we're supposed to be conserving water (I think). I want to play WoW all day but I have an exam that I need to get done... and a paper to write... and a whole bunch of other crap that I need to get done. :(

I don't know what to do either... there are unresolved issues in Jarrod's & my marriage and I really need to do something about it... just more stress added to what I already have to cope with. I'll manage... but it's just sad, I don't know. I wish that I could be perfect!! :(


nicole94 27-03-2010 01:20 PM

hey guys, sorry i havent replied,havent been able to get online. i didnt take the pills....but i did cut. a lot. hope youre all ok? *hugs*

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 02:40 PM

Heya Nicole... *hugs* I'm glad you didn't take the pills but I'm sorry that you cut... :( did you take care of the wounds at least, I hope?

I'm really tired but can't get to sleep. Want to cry but can't. Want to feel better but can't. I feel so stuck.

Doikers 27-03-2010 02:47 PM

*Hugs April*
Could you maybe take a Klonopin and go to bed for a bit , maybe you will nod off if only for a bit ?

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 02:56 PM

Klonopin doesn't knock me out anymore, or even make me sleepy... I'd have to take at least 3mg to do that and that's over half my day's dose. I am so ****ing tired though... my eyes are heavy and I just want to doze off, escape... I don't know. Thanks for the idea though, Mark. And don't worry, I won't take 3mg or anything... *hugs*

I'm going out to lunch with an old violin student and her mum, who are cousin/aunt to my ex-best friend. It will be lovely to catch up with them again, although a bit awkward as I haven't talked with my ex-best friend for a very long time. :-/

Updated my r/v thread... :(

Doikers 27-03-2010 03:59 PM

April , I have the same benzo problems with my Diazepam , built up a tolerance to it . I try to take it only when I need it but somedays I just need it a whole lot more :S * Hugs*
I read your R/V Thread and it's a good thing that you are trying to get in touch with a new therapist , It could really be a step in the right direction. Don't give up mate just hold on a little longer and it will get better , you've only got to deal with Uni **** for what ? 5 or so weeks and I'm sure you will feel better without that pressure on you. *Super Hugs*

MammaMia 27-03-2010 05:48 PM

*cuddles everyone lots and lots*

I see April =)

Not long got back from an RYL meet ^_^ I think my ear's slowly getting better. Can hear better out of it. However, when listening music, it just rings loudly & painfully, ow :( Still struggling away aha. Need to destruct so much. Argh :@ Got really anxious earlier for no reason, which has lead to me being all panicky & dizzy. Glad I didn't pass out whilst was out, that would have been a drama & a half I'm sure...

Doikers 27-03-2010 07:38 PM

I am royally pissed of at myself , I eat to much and I cut and all Iwant is to cut more.
I feel so flat , so utterly apathetic.
Why don't I just die , it would all be better then .
Hannah C Has a loving family .
Mum and Dad have each other.Who would ****ing miss me?
Hannah P might but she has been depressed , she would understand . Would she? She is all I'm hanging on to in this whole world , I love her and I don't think she loves me .

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 07:45 PM

Mmm thanks for the hugs and cuddles, Hels and Mark. :) I just took a nearly 2-hour-long nap and it felt so damn good!! My eyes are dry now (contacts) but oh well... sleep is my friend. It was so nice to get a respite from my own mind - I know Mark knows the feeling... do you, Helen? anyone else? Oooh and I spy a Mark!! :D

Mark, how are you doing now?

Hels, I hope that the meet was fun. :D I can't imagine an RYL meet, what sort of place(s) do they hold them? They must be a lot of fun... I'd love to meet some people from this site but that would mean traveling across the ocean... or teleportation ftw!! lol. :P And I'm glad that your ear is feeling "better" ... although it doesn't sound like a great deal better. But I guess a little progress is better than none, ey? *cuddles*

How is everyone else??

My hubby's playing WoW with the two guildies that we met in January at the moment... which is good for him, getting in some time with friends. I'd feel really bad if I always were keeping him from having fun, if that makes any sense. I think I'll be getting on WoW in a little bit... but I have hardly made any progress on stuff (uni work) today, which has sucked... so yeah. Boo hiss. :(

Anyway, enough waffling... sending snuggles to everyone who wants them. :)

Doikers 27-03-2010 07:48 PM

April , I'm not too good ,I posted right before you just did , must have been tandem typing heh

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 07:50 PM

Awh Mark, I'm sorry that you're feeling shitty. :( It wouldn't all be better if you died, life is so much more worth it - or will be... but I totally understand what you mean. I wish I could say and/or do more to help you... I'm pretty rubbish at the moment about that. Sorry. :( Please try and not cut more though... you're worth so much more. *gentle hugs*

Doikers 27-03-2010 07:55 PM

I think I'll go to bed , it's only 8pm but hopefully sleep will be my friend tonight too April if only to get that same respite from my mind you talked about*Hugs*

*Sleep is the safest place you can be*

Catch you all tomorrow *Group Hugs*

Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 08:03 PM

G'night Mark... sweet dreams!!! :) Hopefully you get the break from your mind torturing you too... *hugs*

shadowedsoul 27-03-2010 08:26 PM

hugs april, man i feel like ****, being a trieing and stressfull day. so glad it nearly over.

MammaMia 27-03-2010 09:12 PM

*curls up*


Scarletdreamer 27-03-2010 10:43 PM

What's up, Hels? *cuddles gently*

Awh Jill *cuddles* Sorry haven't responded to your PM yet (or yours, Helen)... been a busy day, kind of. I'm glad it's almost over too. What's going on? anything I can help with?

I spy a Crimson!! :D

I am so tired... just finished up "New Moon" and I feel really bad for Jacob... :(

shadowedsoul 27-03-2010 11:23 PM

thanks april, no worries answear back when you can. nah just the same stuff as before. trying really hard not to cut, havnt yet which is a start a guess. its hard tho, its like two part fighting each other, one say cut, the other saying dont. if that makes sence. meh

Kahlia1981 28-03-2010 12:05 AM

*hugs all*

The new software in my phone seems to be working well. I've also re-downloaded and installed the Animated SMS software (my phone doesn't come with the ability to send smileys as graphics as default - you have to type the characters). I've put in all the dates that I think it needs and set it up with the tones that I prefer. Now I just have to wait and see how the battery performs.

I see my pdoc tomorrow. I think he's likely to up the Topiramate dosage to 50 mg nocte. It's what I'd do if I was him. I've come up a little with the depression but now I've plateaued. Definitely am still depressed though. But I guess we'll have to wait and see.

*huggles everyone*

MammaMia 28-03-2010 12:17 AM

*cuddles April* Just struggling to deal with something. Gah.

*cuddles everyone else* Clocks go forward here in over 40 minutes =)

Kahlia1981 28-03-2010 04:59 AM

*hugs everyone tightly*

Sometimes it seems harder to go on then it does to stop.
But then I remember "it can't rain all the time".
And so I keep trying ...

*huggles everyone, takes Puppy SinClair for a walk and a patting session, then disappears into a dark corner*

Doikers 28-03-2010 01:21 PM

*Hugs shadowedsoul , April , Helen , Kahlia *
How's everyones Sunday?
Slightly jetlagged from the clocks going forward? ( In the UK )
I feel numb but my arms and head are tingley , I NEED to cut but I am putting it off as long as I can , however long that will be........
I'm going for a walk ,try and shake the urge before it rains . MP3 player on and just walk about a bit.

I hope you guys are doing ok :-)

MammaMia 28-03-2010 02:13 PM

*cuddles everyone*

I have had far too much sleep :p Very very odd dreams :S

Scarletdreamer 28-03-2010 02:25 PM

I spy a Helen & a Mark!! *cuddles*

Hels, I'm sorry that you're not doing too well. Is there any way I can help you deal with whatever it is? *squish* And too much sleep - is there such a thing? ;) Just kidding... hehe. I know there is... it's just that I can never seem to get enough.

Mark, I'm sorry that you feel like you need to cut... I hope that you manage to put it off for awhile. What music are you listening to on your MP3 player? Also, did you order a Superchick album? :D *curls up next to*

Kahlia *hugs* I'm glad that you reached a plateau of sorts, although am sorry that you're still depressed. :( That sucks. Keep on going... "so stand in the rain, stand your ground, stand up when it's all crashing down" ... :) How was your day?

*squishes everyone I missed*

I am so tired. I woke up at 5am and Jarrod and I snuggled until 6ish... which was nice. :) I like snuggling... and sleep is good. Although I did have a nightmare, about my pastor and a guildie from WoW. It was really messed up. :( And scary. I HATE scary dreams!!


Jarrod and I have had a discussion about sex... it's like... I don't let myself want it. I don't know. It's so frustrating, to both him and me. And I don't know how to get over it. I've been told by my therapist (the one that hasn't contacted me in 2+ months) that it's because we're "still newlyweds" and that it will get better once I get used to having sex (we were both virgins when we got married). So yeah. We've been married for nearly a year and a half (as of 11 April) and so I wouldn't call us newlyweds anymore, unless you're comparing us to people like my parents, who have been married for over 30 years now. :-/


Anyway. So that's annoying. :(

And my eyes are tired, and I have schoolwork to do, and I really don't want to do ANYTHING... :(


Doikers 28-03-2010 03:06 PM

*April , hugs* I Had Greenday on my MP3 Player then it switched to My Ruin , I have almost 1000 ( One Thousand ) songs on it now I just play albums in alphebetical order on it , Theres placebo , Aerosmith , flyleaf , Garth Brooks, Eels .........so many different types .
Yes I order a Superchick album called Beauty from Pain 1.1 , it had stand in the rain on it , it hasn't arrived yet but soon I hope , I got it from here www.Eden.co.uk .

Oh and April I REALLY Like your current Avatar , you change them often but this one is kinda dark but good :-)

*Off for another walk so as to not cut*

Doikers 28-03-2010 04:29 PM

Ugh Had a Anxiety attack in the supermarket , dropped basket , ran out , leant against a wall , gathered myself went and retreived my shopping paid for it , came back to my flat as fast as I could and cut , I was just so anxious , it's not the first time I've paniced in that shop . Crowds , I don't do well with crowds , I can get really freaked out over the smallest thing but I don't even know what triggered it this time ........

Kahlia1981 28-03-2010 05:32 PM

*huggles everybody*

I just woke up after a really nasty nightmare. It's 2:25 am and I'm hoping that I can get back to sleep. I might have to wake up my house-mate yet... but I hope not.

April: Thanks. I see the pdoc later on today, so I expect he'll up the dose of the topiramate (topamax). That should lift my mood a bit more, and as I'm currently on the lowest dose, at least there is scope for change. I had a fairly okay day yesterday actually, thanks for asking. Oh, and another song that would be appropriate at the moment would be:

"Stand my ground, I won't give in (I won't give in)
I won't give up (I won't give up)
No more denying, I got to face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand my ground"

*huggles all, pats Puppy SinClair and then retires to bed*

Doikers 28-03-2010 05:44 PM

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope you manage to get back to sleep :)

Scarletdreamer 28-03-2010 07:16 PM

Awh Mark *cuddles* I'm sorry that you had an anxiety attack & cut... I understand though, as I have an anxiety disorder as well and get panicky. I don't think cutting works to calm me down though, but I'm not sure. I hope that you took good care of the injury. Your music sounds awesome :D and I'm glad that you ordered a Superchick cd... it will be good for you to listen to their music I think. ;) How are you feeling now?

Kahlia *gentle hugs* I'm sorry that you had such a bad nightmare... hopefully you can get back to sleep... maybe have a mug of tea? with honey and lemon, and maybe that will relax you enough to get back to sleep. Just a thought... :) It worked for me sometimes when I would get insomnia and just couldn't sleep.

Mark, thanks for the compliment on my avatar. :) I know I switch them often :o but I think I will be keeping this one for awhile, as I really like it too. There's another Goth-y one that I have that I really like, so I might switch it to that one next... I have over 100 avatars (I think) alphabatized on my PC. :) Have collected them for aaages.

I'm really tired. Had a good lunch, didn't want to purge for a change (!!), went target shooting and did a pretty good job if I dare say so myself. :) Am listening to Vivaldi now and need to read up some soc for my exam TOMORROW :( as I have hardly studied at all for it. Ugh. I feel so stupid!! because I can hardly focus on anything. And uni seems so... I don't know, distant, I guess. :(


Doikers 28-03-2010 07:35 PM

Hey April , you seem to have had a busy day , I hope you have been enjoying yourself target shooting and stuff . I ...Well I'm feeling ok which is weird for me as I've been flat or anxious for what seems to me to be a long time , not sure how to re-act to feeling ok , it's a (not unwelcome) prediciment . I hope I'm still ok when I wake up tomorrow .*Hugs*
I'm drained from all the anxiety earlier I don't want to DO anything hmmmmm

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