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~*forever_broken*~ 21-04-2008 05:32 PM

Crisis, crisis, crisis.
G*d I feel awful. Anxious, depressed. I've already ODd this morning and I want to cut my wrist:crying:... And there's still 4 1/2 hours till my counseling session:crying:

chocostashchick 21-04-2008 06:23 PM

*sends Alyssa and Helen courage and luck and denial-tent connectedness for their appts*

crapcrapcrapcrap i still have no hot water i am calling random repair companies that i have heard my mom call and send to our house in the past and hoping they will call me back and look in their system to see if they do our hot water but nobody is calling me back and my mom hasnt responded to my email yet and i want hot water NOW PLEASE i cried in the cold shower this morning and it was so cold and horrible that all i could do was shampoo my hair and even had to skip conditioner this blows

if i have to take time off work to meet these repair people i think i will have to skip therapy on wednesday i wont have any time anymore
huh i'm not too crushed about that though

every cloud has a silver lining at least something good came of this water crisis

crap but i am supposed to be a good girl and want to go to therapy right? oh well..... okay too much to think about and lunch break is over off i go

*hugsies to all*

Automatik Teknicolour 21-04-2008 08:30 PM

Just to let you all know, Alexx is on her way to hospital having taken an overdose, that's all I know, I'm sorry I don't have more to tell you but I'll let you know as and when I find anything out :-(

youngatheart 21-04-2008 09:23 PM

oh no:( I hope shes ok:(

Auburn Shadow 21-04-2008 09:41 PM

*hugs everyone* Hope Alexx is ok. Sorry I wasn't around much last night, sleeping pills and lavender sticks made me fall asleep. Anyways I'm around tonight if anyone needs to talk.
You ok Automatik Teknicolour? (Sorry, don't know your name) I'm here for you.

Staying in here for a bit though guys, if that's ok? I'm heading down again. I was fine, then I got back to uni and I realised I was going to fail anything and everything I ever tried to do. No matter what it is, I'll fail.

Alexx, hunni, I know I've never spoken to you, but I know there's so many people on the site who care for you, and who want you to pull through this. You can do it sweetie. Promise. And I'd love to get to know you.

Love to everyone. and if this makes no sense, I'm slightly drunk.

Automatik Teknicolour 21-04-2008 09:50 PM

I'm a Jess :-)
I'm... not sure really
It's a big shock and lord knows how worried I am, I hope to god she's ok :-(

Auburn Shadow 21-04-2008 10:16 PM

*hugs you* I know how scary it is. and shocking. But just remember, you did everything you could. Feel free to PM me or add me to MSN if you wanna talk sweetie.

Automatik Teknicolour 21-04-2008 10:24 PM

Thank you for your support, it means a lot

Auburn Shadow 21-04-2008 10:27 PM

honestly sweetie, it's the least I can do. Makes me feel like I'm worth something.

Sorry, I'm fine. Just concentrate on you and Alexx.

*huge snuggly hugs*

chocostashchick 21-04-2008 10:50 PM

*sends Alexx good lovely thoughts*

i've got my hot water back on at last
hope everybody else had a good day too

squiggles 21-04-2008 11:11 PM

Hugs to all,
I hope Alex is ok, sending her good vibes.
Glad to hear you have hot water back, nice shower tomorrow including conditioner!
Welcome to those who have recently joined us, have some chocolate muffins, there are plenty to go around.
I'm ok today. Have a disciplinary at work tomorrow, I don;t really care too much now, probably will feel different in the morning.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Take Care
Liz

Automatik Teknicolour 21-04-2008 11:13 PM

As soon as I have any word, you will be the first to know :-)
I'm sure she appreciates all your well wishes and kind thoughts, I'll be sure to pass them on as and when I see or talk to her

Ileana 21-04-2008 11:27 PM

*sigh*:pinch: :sad: :sad: :notsure:

Auburn Shadow 21-04-2008 11:46 PM

*hugs everyone who wants/needs*
You know you can all pm me if you need to talk. I'm always here for you.

Pomegranate 22-04-2008 12:16 AM

*hugs everyone who needs them and showers chocolate buttons*


Thanks for the update Jess, I have just texted her. Do you know if she has her phone with her? How are you holding up? xxx

Bella_forever 22-04-2008 01:22 AM

I needa be put in a real one with how many issues I've been having lately!

chocostashchick 22-04-2008 02:01 AM

aww thankies Liz good luck tomorrow! let us know how it goes and just remember that you are protected by the super-stretchy safety of the Denial Tent
yea i'm practically orgasmic thinking about a WARM shower and not having to wash with ice cold water! it feels like such a luxury and it's only been 2 days hahahaaha!
*squishes Emma and Jess*
hope you girls are okay
ALEXX I AM THINKING OF YOU HONEY
get well soon please
howdy to Bella and hiceskater
Alyssa where are you how was the appt hun?
*hugs to Carole and Chloe and Jeremy and everybody else who is roaming around*

tralalalalalalala i was a bad girl today but i dont care i am going to prance around the Denial Tent and i REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING AT ALL GOING ON IN MY LIFE
it'snotreali'minthedenialtentit'snotrealit'snotrea l

Dramatic 22-04-2008 02:05 AM

I may aswell leave here, as it seems i won't be around for much longer anyway.
Take care of yourselves.
Laz x

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 04:36 AM

:crying:Today did NOT go well... On the bright side I'm not in hospital... But that's the only positive thing about it:crying: I'll fill y'all in tomorrow when I'm actually at a computer...
:crying:I want to cut SO bad... But I can't:crying:

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 04:44 AM

Thanks, Jess, for keepint us updated on Alexx. Take care of yourself hun.
Alexx, sweetie, love you lots hun, hope you're ok.

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 06:56 AM

"Summery of my Time in Hell" OR "What Happened at Allys Counseling Session"
------------------------------
I went to my normal Monday counseling session... And wound up in the uni counseling center for something like 3 1/2 hours... How long is a normal session you ask? 50 minutes. And what took so long? Let me tell you...

First they (my counselor and one of his supervisors) had to decide whether or not to call the guy from the county office in (one of the folks that comes and tells you whether or not you need to go to hospital). Then they had to get a hold of him and he had to get there. Then he and I butted heads for a bit till I caved (it was either that or hospital).

So,what wound up happening? Well I suppose you could say he drew up a contract...

No alcohol or 'any other drugs' (meaning the Tylenol I use to OD) other than those prescribed to me.
No cutting (you know they call razors and knives 'sharps' when they think you're nuts). I've got to go in again tomorrow so they know I'm still alive and behaving and then I've got to call in.
And my room mate has to baby-sit me tonight. I had to call another friend to come hang out with me while she was at work.
I had to throw out my razor blades (you have no idea how tempted I was to tear apart my shaving razor).
And I had to give my room mate my Tylenol (which she took out and locked in the trunk of her car on the county guys suggestion).
All this to continue until Thursday when I see my counselor again (I have to see someone else tomorrow as his schedule is full) and then we'll go from there.

I am completely and utterly humiliated :crying:AND I've got a bill coming that I am sure is going to be rather substantial for services I didn't even want (county guy bullying me for an hour and a half)!!!

The End
------------
Now, if you will excuse me I think I'll just take up permanent residence in the Denial Tent.

*crawls into the tent, curls up with her stuffed lamb and blanket and cries*

Jetforce 22-04-2008 07:06 AM

*cuddles ally*

U know where i am if u need to find me :-P

tc there and stay safe hon xxx

MammaMia 22-04-2008 09:00 AM

Oh gosh, I read about Alex.

I hope she's okay, do you have any news Jess?

I hope you're taking care of yourself aswell Jess, it's so important.

Oh gosh I'm gonna cry and I came into college FOUR hours early to do some coursework =\

Jetforce 22-04-2008 10:16 AM

I just realised alexx is in hospital..oops..my bad

*hugs alexx* take care there and hope u feel better soon xxx

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 10:32 AM

*crawls in*
Anyone home? :-(

Jetforce 22-04-2008 10:34 AM

*hugs alexx again*

Ur back?

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 10:40 AM

yeaaah I'm back...
but I wish I wasnt....
everything has gone horribly wrong >.<

Jetforce 22-04-2008 10:43 AM

Yeah? what happened?

Did they discharge u or u discharged urself? Hope u r feeling better, but i'm doubting that so *Squishes alexx tightly*

MammaMia 22-04-2008 10:46 AM

*gently jumps onto Alex*

ALEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX! How are you feeling sweetie?? Hopefully a bit better? You know you can talk to us if you want :)

I love you lots and lots.

xxxxxx

(Gotta run but I'll be back in a few hours xxx)

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 10:52 AM

Well...I called my dad and told him I'd just gone in to talk to my psych, But then my mum showed up >.< and she was following me EVERYWHERE so when I went to see the doctor and she said "I've heard you took some pills..." my mum was just like *gasp* and I really didnt want her there >.<
I had all the usual stuff, ECG, blood test, blood sugars tested...then I had an assessment with a pysch
but when he said I could go home after an assessment she said she wanted a word with him and started ranting and raving in the corridor saying how I wasn't safe, they should keep me in, trying to force him to tell her what I'd said etc etc.
We got into the car and I managed to forget the burning in my stomach....its pretty easy when you mother's fists are raining down on you ><
Got home and she took ALL my meds(which she later through at me and told me to use them to "do it properly next time") and searched my bag as well.
I just wanted to sleep but they kept talking and screaming at me about how selfish and worthless and self-centred I am....Just what I want to hear after an OD...then my dad gave my 3 months to change EVERYTHING
...if I dont...
...he's kicking me out :blink:

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 10:53 AM

I feel sick as a dog:-(

Dramatic 22-04-2008 11:25 AM

I don't know you Alex, but i've been reading through the forum posts about you.
When you just explained what happened with your mum/dad, it made me want to vomit, because it's exactly how my mother treats me. When i cut she tells me to "Do it properly next time", and she said the same last time i OD'd. She didn't even turn up at the hospital the second time, just phoned the hospital, screamed down the phone at me, and hung up.
So, i do sympathise with you, because i know how..unloving and hurtful your parents words can be. Especially when you're in such a vulnerable state.
Take care of yourself hun.
x

Jetforce 22-04-2008 11:40 AM

That's no good :-( I'm sorry to hear that alexx...

hang in there...sorry, i don't have many words for u but look after urself plz xxx we all r thinking about u :-)

*leaves some chocolate chip cookies for ppl to eat on the table*

youngatheart 22-04-2008 11:49 AM

Alexx. Im so glad you are back but I could cry at how your parents have treated you. giving you huge gentle hugsx

Ally, how awful for you. hugsx

MammaMia 22-04-2008 12:09 PM

I could cry at your parents I really could Alex.

What do you think you'll do hunnie??

*lots of huggles for Alex*

*leaves hugs for everyone else*

I'll try and pop in again in a bit, but if not I hope everyone has an okay day...2 days til my net is returned to me <333

Jetforce 22-04-2008 12:14 PM

hey helen

u ok there?

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 01:06 PM

Thanks guys...to be honest...I don't know what I'll do. Im DREADING going home...I'm so scared.
I just spoke to my counsellor and told her everything and she said it can be classed as emotional abuse...which has knocked me somewhat.
I just feel so sick. She kicked me out of the house this morning with no breakfast or anything....

Jetforce 22-04-2008 01:11 PM

*squishes alexx*

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 01:12 PM

*snuggles Alexx*
Hunni that's the closest I've come to crying in... Well I don't know how long but considering I wanted desperately to cry yesterday... Sweetie. I'm sorry that's just so awful the way they treat you:crying: I wish I had more for you luv... *snuggles you more* Please take care

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 01:14 PM

I wish this was a real place ><
why am I sop ****ing stupid. She said it'd be ok....and considering she's in my head she should know yeh?
it's all bad ><
I need the denial tent to be real....because in 3 months...i'll probably be homeless :-(

*sigh* thanks for your support guys...I'm really sorry
xxx

Jetforce 22-04-2008 01:17 PM

I really doubt they'll kick u out....they can't be that cruel to u or r they?? :-S if so , i'm sorry to hear that alexx *hugs again*

If not, can u find housing or something close by ur school/uni? I'm sure ur case manager will help u with that if that time comes

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 01:30 PM

I don't know...this is awful...I feel like I'm stuck having a bad dream...
It has to be a dream....
I dont even REMEMBER very much about taking the pills. :(

Does anyone want to adopt me and take me home?:-(

Detour. Derail 22-04-2008 01:34 PM

why is the day going so fast?
I really really regret it now...
I COULD have slept it off....I should have risked it...
but instead I tried to do the "right" thing and now look at where I am... :crying:

Jetforce 22-04-2008 01:36 PM

I'll adopt u alexx anyday..but u gotta venture over to aus somehow

MammaMia 22-04-2008 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jetforce (Post 711967)
hey helen

u ok there?

Not really but hey ho :(

Alex, I'll adopt you :P Um sweetie, it is emotional abuse really. I know that's hard to understand, but least you spoke to somebody about it and hopefully they can help you if you do get kicked out. *squishes you*

ARRRRRRGH. I need a magic wand to wave this coursework away, me and Jane think I should try and finish it tomorrow and that would be seriously amazing if I did hmmmm! Parents evening YET again tonight and I'm year 13, except for Psychology. Aye. Oh well, least it's Jane =]

MammaMia 22-04-2008 02:18 PM

Argh.

My head hurts= headache = stressed out.
My hand hurts= self harm = guilt.
I feel sick = probs cus of OD = worried.
My little toe feels broken = bashed it pretty hard yesterday= more worrying.

>.< **** this.

Feels like history is repeating itself....and if it is......will that feeling start again....am I gonna be tempted.....**** sake I can't even have any painkillers...well I can....just don't trust myself :(

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 02:35 PM

I'll adopt you Alexx *snuggles*
-----------
G*d damn:crying:
I've got an appointment at noon with a gal I don't know at the uni counseling center... And then, if all goes well, all I have to do is call in Wednesday and then go in Thursday and see my counselor again... And then go from there...:crying: damn I feel absolutely pathetic:crying:

And my tea on an empty stomach has made me feel icky physically too... Well that, and maybe the OD I took yesterday morning:punch:

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 02:38 PM

Oh, *hugs Helen* I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy hun... I wish I could offer more *snuggles*
Please take care luv

Pomegranate 22-04-2008 04:17 PM

*pounces on Alexx* Heya hun! Glad you are back and relatively ok. Your mum is a bitch. It is her not you, remember that. I will adopt you :) xx

*hugs Ally* I hope it goes alright hun, what time is it?

*hugs Helen* heya hun, sorry to hear you are feeling so shitty but I think you are being very sensible not buying more painkillers. *cough*bloodtest*cough* and get your toe checked out.

How are you doing Jeremy?

Did you enjoy a nice warm shower today Callie?

*hugs everyone else whose names have forgotten*

------------------------------

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg gggggghhhhhhhh!!!

I am so pissed off and upset. Will break it down for you:
1) My psychiatrist sent me a letter whilst I was away informing me of an appointment on 16th April when I was STILL not at uni as I had informed him. Now because I missed it I am not seeing him or indeed it would seem anyone other than my mental health co-ordinator until 28th September!!! I mean, yeah, sure I get being in hospital 2/3 times a week for stitches is clearly not that serious.....what would you like me to do? hmmm? OD? That can be arranged. Trip to the cliffs? Again...can be arranged. I hate them all.

2) Been fined for being sick last term as a result of my AD's and apparently because my room smelt the next day they have charged me 30 for a full clean on top of the 30 fine because my stupid housemates messed up the kitchen. I said I wasn't paying. They told me I could not graduate until I did.

3) I have 11 pages of German to translate, one 5000 word essay on how WWI effected attitudes towards mental health in 1950's, an essay on music as a historical source, an essay on Virgil and his portrayal of history, oh and three exams to study for. This is ignoring normal work.

4) I told my Dad I had self harmed in september (nothing about the rest of it) and now he keeps calling me up and won't leave me alone.

5) My housemate just had a huge go at me for sticking up last term for the stupid cleaner who arranged my fine and then paraded around the fact she has gotten out of her fine, despite ripping a plug out of a wall, needing same carpet clean as me, damaging furniture etc etc by claiming RACISM!

6) My grandad for some reason only known to the ****wit doctors has been discharged and left to cope at home despite still being ill and really weak to care for my Grandmother who has breastcancer and final stages parkinsons and depression. And I cant go and help. I just cant. I have so much work and I just cant cope with it. I am such a ****ing **** granddaughter.

I just don't want to deal with any of this ****. I don't want to be *here*. I want it all to disappear but it never does. I want to get ****ing wasted, take a load of pills and slash myself to pieces but I have to go and see someone tomorrow about an exam. I don't want to do this anymore.

Sorry for wasting your time if you managed to get this far into my self pitying rant crap.

~*forever_broken*~ 22-04-2008 07:03 PM

*hugs Emma*
Sounds like you're really having a rough time of it hun, I'm sorry. Is there nothing you can do about the the therapist thing? It doesn't seem that you should be punished for something that clearly wasn't your fault.
I am sorry to hear your granddad is still having problems. Hun, not being able to handle it does not make you a bad granddaughter... It means you're struggeling, same as the rest of us hun. Things we feel obligated to do, should do, would have done in the past sometimes just aren't possible when you can barely be bothered to continue breathing.
And please, please, don't OD or take a trip to the cliffs... It's not worth it hun*warm, safe snuggles*
___________________________
*sigh* My appointment is in an hour:crying: and I don't want to go. Truth be told I don't want to do anything but go home and cut... or cry, I'd like a good cry... too bad I can't do either (can't cut cause I had to throw my blades out and the stupid guy kept saying how my therapist told him that if I give my word I keep it... good guilt trip, not that I need help feeling guilty... and I can't cry because... well it's just not something I am usually able to manage is all, no matter how much I want to.
Ugh, I suck.
BUT, kuddos for me I suppose... found some Tylenol cold that I forgot I had and so didn't give to my room mate... and while I did a double take when I noticed it and had the thought go through my head that I could OD on that, I didn't do it...
Good lord I'm not even allowed to drink for heaven sake!!! Just take everything away from me why don't you...:crying:


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