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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

Eir 02-04-2016 11:00 AM

In town today for the man's gig. Staying at his parents, along with his nieces. They are nice but I'm all kinds of firetrucked up. Lots of reminders why I shouldn't be here. Also many as to why I can't leave. Not yet.
Just gonna use the post to wrap up the crud and bury it deep. Activate survival mode. Will try to come up with something positive to add to the post before bed.

Doikers 02-04-2016 01:05 PM

*Glomps Kahlia I can't really get my head around time difference but I think it's about 1 am with you and I'm hoping you are getting some kip.

*Safe hugs to you Ribbons* In my head Canada must be about 8 hour in the past , I hope you slept/are sleeping well.

No Worries Kathryn *Safe Hugs*

*Safe Hugs Eir* Hope You sleep well too :)

Kahlia1981 02-04-2016 01:47 PM

Annie: *safe hugs* It sounds like survival mode is one of the best options with all those reminders flying around in your head. Maybe some mindfulness techniques could be useful.

Mark: *glomps* you right back. As I'm typing this it's 22:43.

My mood is somehow managing to drop even further. I just feel like I can't do anything right. *sigh*

*uses her wheelchair to get to a corner, gets herself out of the chair and sinks into the corner with her head in her hands ready to cry*

Drewbles 02-04-2016 01:54 PM

Kahlia: That's ok! Technology is sometimes messy like that. I didn't take it personally or anything.
*offers safe hugs to everyone*
I'm 5 hours behind you Mark.
I actually did manage to get more sleep than usual.

Drewbles 02-04-2016 01:58 PM

Also sorry to post twice in a row.
I don't know if anyone else will like to have this information but I found it helped me feel less bad about having to cry I dont know if anyone has that problem or not but

Crying is like liquid stress coming out of your face because of all the stuff in tears which I thought was really interesting and helped me feel like it was something that had to be done as part of taking care of myself.

anyways. If you wanna talk about it I'm here. Anyone with any of the things.

Eir 02-04-2016 02:42 PM

0040hrs. Miserable time with the child. At least it kept me busy. She's only just settled.
Watching FMA as distraction... Silly episode. But having the desired effect.
Therapist said much the same thing last time I saw her Kahlia.
It's just so exhausting.

Kathryn_Anna 02-04-2016 06:28 PM

Ready to lose it. Party was not fun. One kid made us 45 minutes late. Second one didn't want to stay in the party room. And the littlest one was screaming like a raptor. We lasted maybe an hour. The oldest then puked on the way home. Hubby said I could get out for a few so I ran to the store to get my son new shoes. Two stores were out of his size. I'm done for today. And the next few days too.

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 12:32 AM

Annie: I'm not good with the names of television shows, movies, anime etc but is FMA Full Metal Alchemist? Just asking because that show cracks me up. I'm sorry you had trouble settling the little one but very glad you were able to find a distraction and that it had some effect. I guess your therapist and I were basically saying "do what you have to do to get by" so if you find something helpful, use it.

Kat: That really sounds rough. I know I would have felt like screaming my head off or punching pillows, but you made it through. You are probably exhausted and need some time to just be on your own and do whatever it is that allows you to relax but I realise that's extremely difficult with kids. We're here for you if you need to talk. *safe hugs*

Drew: Please don't ever stress about posting twice in a row. It isn't uncommon for any of us to forget something we wanted to write and post twice. I'm glad you managed to get some sleep, I hope you feel/felt a bit better for it. That's an interesting way to think of tears and crying.

Mark: The whole time zone thing can get pretty crazy. Here we are UTC/GMT+10 with no DST (daylight savings time) which is good in a way because it means we are always 10 hours ahead of Greenwich Mean Time or the Coordinated Universal Time, whichever you'd prefer. But Australia itself ranges from UTC/GMT+8 through to UTC/GMT+11 with DST in 5 states and territories and not in the remaining three. So even within Australia time zones can be really confusing. But that's why they created UTC lol.

This morning hasn't been wonderful although I woke up early but my head is still going round in circles, telling me how useless I am, how much better off everyone else would be if I wasn't here. Some of that is stemming from being in a wheelchair and not being able to do things but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. When you add to that my really low mood and the frustration of not being able to do things under my own steam or, in some cases, at all and you end up with some serious negativity. I hope no one minds me taking up some space and crying my eyes out.

*leaves hot chocolates and cookies on the table*

*hugs* and *safe hugs* for anyone who needs them

Eir 03-04-2016 02:26 AM

Yup, I was talking bout full metal alchemist. It cracks me up most of the time too

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 07:42 AM

Woo hoo!! Let's rock our Full Metal Alchemist lol

Doikers 03-04-2016 11:27 AM

Kahlia , I'm sorry your head is going around in circles , Mine does that a lot , it's really hard to stop it *Glomps*

Also , before this thread I'd not heard of Full Metal Alchemist . . . . . . . . . . .

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 11:57 AM

Mark: I'm really sorry to hear that big brother. It's definitely worth watching, and very funny in parts. Thanks.

I really just want to curl up and cry and physically can't. I hate being in the wheelchair and having to use the wheelie walker but I don't have options. Hopefully I'll be walking again after my surgery and rehabilitation are over.

*runs around everywhere because in here I don't need the wheelchair, then drops onto a bed made of pillows*

Doikers 03-04-2016 12:58 PM

*Tucks Kahlia in to her Pillow bed* :)

Kahlia1981 03-04-2016 01:13 PM

Thanks big brother

Drewbles 03-04-2016 10:11 PM

My username change was approved and I feel a lot better about talking on here :)

*shares snacks and juice*

All of the snow was gone here but it started yesterday again and hasnt stopped yet. Sometimes it's pretty but mostly it looks like there's no colour left on earth. Hoping it stops soon and melts fast. I feel grey to match.

*leaves hugs for everyone who wants them*

Doikers 03-04-2016 10:21 PM

#Hi Drew , How are you ?

Did anyone know Carrie was remade ? Am I the only guy who feel the bullies had it coming, however Sissy Spasek rocks.

Drewbles 03-04-2016 10:49 PM

I'm tired and sad today. I feel really empty and desperately seeking comfort but everything I usually find comforting feels empty too. I want my personality back. Thank-you for asking. I'm sorry I don't have a nice answer.

I did know it was remade. I saw the new one. very unsettling. The bullies were terrible. :(

How are you Mark?

Doikers 04-04-2016 11:55 AM

I'm uber anxious , SW in just over 3 hours .

Kahlia1981 04-04-2016 02:13 PM

Hey Drew. Glad you're feeling better after the username change. Sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well. Always here if you need a friendly ear. *safe hugs*

Hiya Mark. Yeah, I wasn't overly impressed with the remake. I'd have to agree with Drew that it was/is unsettling. The bullies definitely had it coming. Hoping the meeting with the SW went well.

So sick of being in a wheelchair. *sigh*

Doikers 04-04-2016 02:15 PM

My SW's not been yet but ty :)

When is your back surgery due Kahlia? *Gentle Glomps*

Kahlia1981 04-04-2016 02:26 PM

I wasn't sure due to all the time zones. No idea when the back surgery will be, hopefully the referral went through today but I'll have to ring the doctor's surgery and if it has gone that far then I need to ring the hospital in Brisbane and check it has arrived down there. A long process..... *sigh*

Doikers 04-04-2016 02:34 PM

I hope it all go's smoothly lil sis :)

Kahlia1981 04-04-2016 04:30 PM

Thanks Mark. We do too, obviously, especially since we are unaware of how long surgery and recovery/rehabilitation will take, and even whether they will decide that I'm fine to wait some time or decide that I must be seen right now (so to speak).

My head is in a really bad place right now. I mentioned Jem's death to my step-daughter and now have all sorts of images and thoughts getting comfortable in my brain and just playing out over and over. Sleep is going to be almost impossible tonight and I have to be up early in the morning.

*bangs head against wall*

*disappears into pillow fort*

Drewbles 04-04-2016 10:08 PM

*leaves safe hugs for all* hope some stuff went well for all of you today.

Doikers 05-04-2016 05:07 PM

How are you all today?

Drewbles 05-04-2016 08:36 PM

Same old same old. How are you Mark?

Kahlia1981 05-04-2016 10:55 PM

Hey Drew. Thanks for the hugs.

Mark: You probably don't want to know.

Besides everything in my life sucking, me being in excruciating pain, my mood being so low that they'd need to create a new term for how far done through the earth you would have to go, I'm okay. Both my husband and step-daughter are still asleep and I need another coffee. If they aren't awake by then I'm going to play Avatar on the PS3. I do quite enjoy killing the viperwolves and have actually completed a sector challenge which involved killing 110 of the buggers. They aren't too hard to kill unless you are "lucky" enough to have a pack of four or five attack you at once.

Thankfully the anger I felt earlier has changed itself into self-hatred and disgust which isn't really surprising when I'm incapable of doing anything at all without assistance but obviously most people cannot understand that. Please just give me a break from the pain.

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:42 AM

Hey Kahlia,
I hope you're okay Sis . BTW I always wanna know how you are, from very bad to very good , I'd be a bit of a crap big bro if I didn't care :P Love ya :)

Eir 06-04-2016 10:57 AM

Horrible night at work. Just bucket loads of abuse. From people who I'm supposed to cut some slack cos they are cognitively impaired. I've felt crappy all day and I hit the limit and broken down. I desperately want to hurt myself. But I won't. Not at work. Not again.
Full metal rocks. But now want to see brotherhood cos the ending might be better

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 11:40 AM

Sorry to hear that Annie. I'm especially sorry to hear that work tonight has been so rough and that you've broken down. I believe in you and that you can get through work without harming your self. Just managing to go to work when you feel like crap shows a lot of strength. Hmmm.... I think I'll have to look into brotherhood now.

My GP got the referral to a spinal specialist done today while we were there and changed one of my medications. Tomorrow I have to phone that hospital to check that the referral arrived and I need to call my university about possibly deferring both an assignment and an exam depending on what happens with my back. Making phone calls to anyone other than family terrifies me but they have to be done. I also have to text my mother and then call her about her mail just in case there's something really important in there.

Right now I feel really bad about bursting into tears whilst we were in with the GP. I feel absolutely like crap for letting my pain show and now I feel even worse. Please let me disappear.

Doikers 06-04-2016 12:34 PM

Kahlia , I have serious problems on the phone too :( *Glomps*

*Offers Safe Hugs to Annie* May I call you Annie?

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 03:56 PM

Thanks Mark. I don't know what it is about phoning people but it scares the living daylights out of me. *sigh*

My life is full of absolute crap right now. My pain level is so high that I should be at a hospital but I don't want to ruin my step-daughters holiday with another night in emergency. If my mood was any lower it would be coming out on the opposite side of the earth. I can't control my DID so my younger alters keep popping out and doing whatever they want and it takes all my strength to rein the buggers back in. Sometimes I really think I should just let them go but I cannot afford the damage that would inevitably cause. My brain tells me that every single person I know, whether IRL or online, really is just pretending to care and really couldn't give a damn that I even exist. It is so difficult not to believe it when my husband and step-daughter have to push me around in my wheelchair and do so much for me because I can't do it for myself. The tears just keep falling and it feels more and more like no one cares.

Eir 06-04-2016 03:59 PM

Yup that's fine. Are you Mark? Can I call you that? Any way, I survived. Still wanna hurt myself. Watching FMA brotherhood. Brother has netflix.
Kahlia, doctors can't help much if you're not honest, it's actually important to let them know about the pain. Yeah I'm a hypocrite in that regard. But it's true.
I hate crying at work. I was angry, and I cry when I'm angry. Then it turned into panic cos I was at work.
I spent most of the day prior to work and at work in a bit of a fugue of wanting to hurt myself. Then they were all difficult, and one in particular started on me. That's what did me in. I'm now in that post freak out stage where nothing touches me. The numbness makes me want to hurt myself. Whilst it's constant it's easy to control. Distraction and being supervised (dad's in the room, he knows I had a bad day but not that I'm unstable).
Coffee anyone?

Kahlia1981 06-04-2016 04:13 PM

I was fully honest with my GP today and he changed my pain medication to something stronger but we didn't have our safety net cards on us and the only pharmacy where we don't need the cards to get our scripts for free apparently sold the one bottle they get per month earlier that day. They can't get more until tomorrow afternoon so my husband will be dropping in there with the script after taking his daughter to spend time with her grandparents. It's just a trial but I really hope it helps. My husband knows how much pain I am in and why I don't want to go to the hospital right now.

Coffee sounds great by the way.

Eir 06-04-2016 05:03 PM

Coffee coffee coffee.
I have a slight (understatement) coffee addiction.
Also it took me 2episodes to realise there was another page.
I hope the new med helps. Speaking of which, I forgot mine.
I'm attempting bed. But not sleep.
Wish the weather would make up itS mind. I was hoping it would cool off soon.
I got some vague positives,
1- no more daylight savings!!!! I hate them. Hate them hatethemHATETHEM...
2- new roster with other wing also has weekends! YAY for weekend penalties.
3- coffee exists

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:10 PM

Got any Tea , Annie? :P Yes , it is perfectly fine for you to call me Mark :)

Daylight savings was 2-3 weeks ago here . . . . The World is odd.

Eir 06-04-2016 05:20 PM

I have "raspberry zing" which is lovely tea like stuff with hibiscus instead of tea leaves. I'm a bit freaked out by regular tea. I have a speil about why it freaks me out too. But I'm sure I can find some, any preference? English breakfast, lady or Earl Grey?
NSW is stupid. QLD doesn't do daylight savings. Daylight savings makes no sense.

Doikers 06-04-2016 05:32 PM

English Breakfast Please :) Can I ask why it freaks you out?

Eir 06-04-2016 05:48 PM

Tannin is used to make leather. Tannin is that drying after-taste you get from tea. I freak out over what it may do to my insides.
I deal with constant paranoia from over thinking things.... This is a small example.
Logically, I figure you cant tan your insides, seeing as the gastrointestinal tract is constantly renewing itself. But that doesn't stop me freaking out over it. I know it's irrational, especially as other things have tannin. Hence I label it paranoia.
My eyes are watering. I should attempt the sleep. Right sort of numB.
Not dangerous to self.
Night guys

Doikers 06-04-2016 06:16 PM

Good Night Annie :)

Kathryn_Anna 06-04-2016 11:45 PM

So done with today. Too overwhelmed at the moment and hubby won't be home for who knows how long. 2 kids won't stop screaming (one screams then the other does it for fun it feels like) and the 3rd kid won't stop shouting "I don't know!" when asked a question about a book he supposedly read for school. I can't do the homework for you kid, sorry. Then there's my son's anxiety med fiasco. I'll save that for another post :/

*crawls into her fort to hide from it all*

Drewbles 06-04-2016 11:47 PM

I hope you get decent rest Annie.
And I hope everyone else is doing alright too. *offers hugs to all*

It's sort of weird to me how important RYL has been as far as affect on my life because I haven't been active on here in a long time.

But I met my (now ex)partner here, who introduced me to my best friend, who I love very much.

It just makes me think of the intricate webs that form between people through time and space and how if I never turned out the way I did and never ended up here both the worst and best parts of my life would never exist.

And then, inevitably, I get anxious about the opportunities I've missed and the possible paths my life didn't go down. I start to feel like it's too late to be everything I want to be. It's like going from the top to the bottom with a loud crash. I wish I could enjoy the adventure.

I have been enjoying coffee flavoured ice cream this week though, so that's something.

Drewbles 06-04-2016 11:49 PM

I'm sorry things are overwhelming right now Kathryn_Anna. That sounds unbelievably frustrating. Offering you hugs. Let us know if we can help somehow?

Kahlia1981 07-04-2016 07:47 AM

Annie: I'm so thankful QLD got rid of daylight savings because it really didn't work. Here's something for you. *gives huge mugs of coffee and a coffee maker* Feel free to share as you see fit. ;-)

Mark: The world really is odd.. And for you *gives a mug of English Breakfast tea*

Kat: Sorry that things have been overwhelming and that you are having problems family difficulties. I am really hoping that the problems with your son's medications are resolved quickly.

Drew: RYL really does have an important role in a lot of our lives and we don't realise it until something causes us to think of it. Just like you I get stuck/caught in the what-ifs, and thinking about opportunities missed, different life paths and the choices I made that I could have not made. But you still have time in this life to make choices of what you want to be or do. Also, what you've been through has made you who you are today.

My head's really not in a good place right now. My pain level is really high and I am badly wishing that I could just get up and start walking again. I've been able to self-propel around the unit including in and out of the unit onto the patio which is not easy. To get out I have to go backwards across the rails of the doors and, immediately, down a slope so you have to get your hands from the wheels to the brakes very quickly. Going in means going backwards up a slope, over the rails and not hitting the coffee table. Fun.

*grabs her bear, a blanket and a pillow and disappears into a corner to cry*

Doikers 07-04-2016 11:14 AM

I hope you guy and gals are doing well :)

TY for the tea Kahlia :)

Today is not going to be a good one , I got up late as I am low , which means I won't be able to sleep well , so I get to mull that over all sodding day whilst feeling crap.

Eir 08-04-2016 10:50 AM

*hugs for Mark and Kahlia*
I'm in a weird space. Rather numB. Low-ish, but feel like nothing can touch me.
Last time I was like this, Aphazriel, one of the hallucinations, encouraged me to cut to come back to a feeling being. I'm on anti- psychotics so only quiet voices usually. But no visuals.
I could do an awful lot of damage to myself like this. But without the encouragement I probably won't. There's a want to, but I lack enough motivation, if that makes sense. I'm not sure I want to feel.
I miss my hallucinations. Is that weird?

Doikers 08-04-2016 12:13 PM

I don't know what to say Annie , but I don't think that it's weird *Offer Safe Hugs* ( Sorry if I got your name wrong )

Drewbles 08-04-2016 07:00 PM

I don't think you're weird.

Today I find out if I got into residence for college so that's kind of worrying/exciting. I'm a little worried that if I do get in I'll end up living with someone significantly younger than me and I envision that being a problem as far as maturity level and quiet studying goes.. But at least we'd only be sharing communal areas and not bedrooms. I guess this is what I get for putting college off by half a decade after high school :p

I'm sure I wont be the only one though. It'll be good for me to move away from where I am now regardless.

I woke up with a migraine that has since gotten better but I called into work because of it and I feel guilty.

I hope everyone is ok. Sending peace and more snowflakes again, as it's been snowing for a few days straight..

Doikers 09-04-2016 11:02 AM

Just wanted to wish you all a nice a weekend as it can be :)

Kahlia1981 09-04-2016 12:15 PM

I am really struggling with being in a wheelchair when I could walk perfectly fine only nine weeks ago. I know my appointment with the spinal surgeon is only next Friday but that might have to be delayed because my husband is worried he will go psychotic. If I trusted the local public ward that might be an easy situation which just cost me an appointment but I don't and, without private health insurance, we can't put him in the one private ward we have, so it'll all be up to me. Really don't need this now.

*disappears into her pillow fort to cry*

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