I really doubt they'll kick u out....they can't be that cruel to u or r they?? :-S if so , i'm sorry to hear that alexx *hugs again*

If not, can u find housing or something close by ur school/uni? I'm sure ur case manager will help u with that if that time comes

I don't know...this is awful...I feel like I'm stuck having a bad dream...
It has to be a dream....
I dont even REMEMBER very much about taking the pills. :(

Does anyone want to adopt me and take me home?:-(

why is the day going so fast?
I really really regret it now...
I COULD have slept it off....I should have risked it...
but instead I tried to do the "right" thing and now look at where I am... :crying:

I'll adopt u alexx anyday..but u gotta venture over to aus somehow

Not really but hey ho :(

Alex, I'll adopt you :P Um sweetie, it is emotional abuse really. I know that's hard to understand, but least you spoke to somebody about it and hopefully they can help you if you do get kicked out. *squishes you*

ARRRRRRGH. I need a magic wand to wave this coursework away, me and Jane think I should try and finish it tomorrow and that would be seriously amazing if I did hmmmm! Parents evening YET again tonight and I'm year 13, except for Psychology. Aye. Oh well, least it's Jane =]

Argh.

My head hurts= headache = stressed out.
My hand hurts= self harm = guilt.
I feel sick = probs cus of OD = worried.
My little toe feels broken = bashed it pretty hard yesterday= more worrying.

>.< **** this.

Feels like history is repeating itself....and if it is......will that feeling start again....am I gonna be tempted.....**** sake I can't even have any painkillers...well I can....just don't trust myself :(

I'll adopt you Alexx *snuggles*
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G*d damn:crying:
I've got an appointment at noon with a gal I don't know at the uni counseling center... And then, if all goes well, all I have to do is call in Wednesday and then go in Thursday and see my counselor again... And then go from there...:crying: damn I feel absolutely pathetic:crying:

And my tea on an empty stomach has made me feel icky physically too... Well that, and maybe the OD I took yesterday morning:punch:

Oh, *hugs Helen* I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy hun... I wish I could offer more *snuggles*
Please take care luv

*pounces on Alexx* Heya hun! Glad you are back and relatively ok. Your mum is a bitch. It is her not you, remember that. I will adopt you :) xx

*hugs Ally* I hope it goes alright hun, what time is it?

*hugs Helen* heya hun, sorry to hear you are feeling so shitty but I think you are being very sensible not buying more painkillers. *cough*bloodtest*cough* and get your toe checked out.

How are you doing Jeremy?

Did you enjoy a nice warm shower today Callie?

*hugs everyone else whose names have forgotten*

------------------------------

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg gggggghhhhhhhh!!!

I am so pissed off and upset. Will break it down for you:
1) My psychiatrist sent me a letter whilst I was away informing me of an appointment on 16th April when I was STILL not at uni as I had informed him. Now because I missed it I am not seeing him or indeed it would seem anyone other than my mental health co-ordinator until 28th September!!! I mean, yeah, sure I get being in hospital 2/3 times a week for stitches is clearly not that serious.....what would you like me to do? hmmm? OD? That can be arranged. Trip to the cliffs? Again...can be arranged. I hate them all.

2) Been fined for being sick last term as a result of my AD's and apparently because my room smelt the next day they have charged me £30 for a full clean on top of the £30 fine because my stupid housemates messed up the kitchen. I said I wasn't paying. They told me I could not graduate until I did.

3) I have 11 pages of German to translate, one 5000 word essay on how WWI effected attitudes towards mental health in 1950's, an essay on music as a historical source, an essay on Virgil and his portrayal of history, oh and three exams to study for. This is ignoring normal work.

4) I told my Dad I had self harmed in september (nothing about the rest of it) and now he keeps calling me up and won't leave me alone.

5) My housemate just had a huge go at me for sticking up last term for the stupid cleaner who arranged my fine and then paraded around the fact she has gotten out of her fine, despite ripping a plug out of a wall, needing same carpet clean as me, damaging furniture etc etc by claiming RACISM!

6) My grandad for some reason only known to the ****wit doctors has been discharged and left to cope at home despite still being ill and really weak to care for my Grandmother who has breastcancer and final stages parkinsons and depression. And I cant go and help. I just cant. I have so much work and I just cant cope with it. I am such a ****ing **** granddaughter.

I just don't want to deal with any of this ****. I don't want to be *here*. I want it all to disappear but it never does. I want to get ****ing wasted, take a load of pills and slash myself to pieces but I have to go and see someone tomorrow about an exam. I don't want to do this anymore.

Sorry for wasting your time if you managed to get this far into my self pitying rant crap.

*hugs Emma*
Sounds like you're really having a rough time of it hun, I'm sorry. Is there nothing you can do about the the therapist thing? It doesn't seem that you should be punished for something that clearly wasn't your fault.
I am sorry to hear your granddad is still having problems. Hun, not being able to handle it does not make you a bad granddaughter... It means you're struggeling, same as the rest of us hun. Things we feel obligated to do, should do, would have done in the past sometimes just aren't possible when you can barely be bothered to continue breathing.
And please, please, don't OD or take a trip to the cliffs... It's not worth it hun*warm, safe snuggles*
___________________________
*sigh* My appointment is in an hour:crying: and I don't want to go. Truth be told I don't want to do anything but go home and cut... or cry, I'd like a good cry... too bad I can't do either (can't cut cause I had to throw my blades out and the stupid guy kept saying how my therapist told him that if I give my word I keep it... good guilt trip, not that I need help feeling guilty... and I can't cry because... well it's just not something I am usually able to manage is all, no matter how much I want to.
Ugh, I suck.
BUT, kuddos for me I suppose... found some Tylenol cold that I forgot I had and so didn't give to my room mate... and while I did a double take when I noticed it and had the thought go through my head that I could OD on that, I didn't do it...
Good lord I'm not even allowed to drink for heaven sake!!! Just take everything away from me why don't you...:crying:

How did it go Ally? *hugs* x

*hugs Emma*
How are YOU doing hun?
*passes a tea tray and waits*
------------------------------
My appointment... *sigh* I don't know, I didn't like it that's for sure. I felt like I was under a microscope. It was awkward and embarrassing and I don't enjoy talking about my views on death... Or the fact that people usually say things like 'Yes, I'm suicidal but I am willing to call for help if I think I might do something because it scares me' and not 'No, I probably wouldn't. I might call in an 'Oh sh*t' moment if I realize I do want to live, but not before'. Evidently that attitude is concerning. That along with the whole 'What's the point? You wake up, take care of your responsibilities, and go back to bed' and 'I don't understand why people cling to life so, why they're worried about 'missing' something. They won't miss it, they'll be dead' attitudes... To me it just seems logical... To them it's 'concerning'

After I went to the store because I'd found a loop hole... They didn't say I couldn't burn... But while walking around finding the stuff I wanted I felt SO pathetic I didn't get it. I've got stuff here, if I'm desperate I can burn... I did buy some new razors but I won't use them till Thursday afternoon...

Ugh, I just feel so pathetic, so flawed:crying:

You are not flawed or pathetic hun *hugs* I'm sorry you didn't like it very much, although I guess counselling is not supposed to be enjoying really. As for views on death....ummm.....well, I am not sure I can offer much perspective there. I see where they are coming from with their concern about you not calling anyone if you were feeling suicidal but not so sure about the rest. I am sure they are probably right though, hence why it is us and not them that are sat in a virtual psych ward and labelled with being mentally ill. All I can say is stay strong. I am glad you didn't buy anything to burn with. Please don't hurt yourself. I think it was an implied promise rather than a literal thing. If they thought you would burn I am sure they would have included that too hun. Do you have to call them tomorrow?

*sips her tea and waits some more*
Emm, how are you hun? Are you feeling any better about things?*massive hugs*
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Yes, I have to call tomorrow... Not sure why except to let them know I'm still breathing and behaving. Then I've got another session with my counselor Thursday afternoon:crying:ugh, I hate this:crying:
Good point about the virtual psych ward though, made me smile :-)

*retreats to the Denial tent for a quick nap before next lecture*

I want to die.

*hugs for everyone*

Ok, I am sorry for not having posted for a few days and, as such, have not been able to read everyone's posts. I will do tomorrow, promise!

Zowie, why do you want to die? Please look after yourself x

Alexx, I am sorry to hear that you got so low that you OD'd and that your parents have been far from supportive.

I have had a real emotional rollercoaster these past few days. I've experienced everything from being so happy that I was actually in tears to being so desperate and alone that I nearly tried to kill myself. And all in one day. It's exhausting.

I hope everyone is keeping safe x

*hugs Zowie* one day all this will be over and you will be glad you kept fighting. At least thats how I try to look at it, although I realise sometimes this is a lot harder than at others. I guess it is just a belief we have to try and cling on to, that things will get better. Stay strong sweetie! Are you seeing anyone?

*hugs Carole* don't worry about it hun. Roller coasters suck...I don't like them. They make me scared and emotional roller coasters are worse because you never know where you are. Still, all roller coasters come to an end. Focus on that hun, and until it does then you have the denial tent and us and our support to keep you safe x

How was the nap Ally? They are just trying to check up on you sweetie. *hugs*

-------------------------

me? um....well I don't know. I was upset so drank a bottle of wine. Did sweet f all lol BUT then I got an email informing me I got a 2.1 on an essay I thought I had failed that was going to **** up my entire years average so I was very pleased. Now I have just realised that it is one damn essay....who cares. It's not a huge deal, and slowly the drowning feeling is creeping back. So I don't know is the answer I guess.

*wanders around to give hugs and leave people cookies and hot chocolate*

I feel awful awful awful awful awful:crying:
I feel pathetic, flawed... Deficient, 'profoundly and irreversible screwed up'... I can't really describe it but I hate it:crying:

*hugs Emma* Good job on your essay! Of COURSE it's a big deal hun, you should be proud. Every essay and the like counts.
*hugs everyone else*

Sorry, I'm going to be selfish... Not address anyone else atm... I DO love you all.
--------------
I burned. It's not on the stupid contract so I did it... And it helped a bit I think. But really, I just want this all to go away... I keep looking at my wrist... It's funny the part of the cut over the vein seems to have healed faster than the rest of the cut... Maybe it's just my imagination... Anyway I wish I had finished... I wish I had cut deeper. Then I wouldn't be dealing with all of this... Then I wouldn't feel like a freak or whatever it is I'm feeling right now (I can't put words to it)... I'm so stupid, I've thought several times of going out to my car where I left the blades I bought till I can cut on Thursday... Of getting them and doing it. And there's no emotion behind these thoughts... They're just very matter of fact... What does that mean? Am I more likely to do it? Or am I more likely to hold out? I'm so stupid I can't even figure out whether or not I actually want to kill myself! What I do know is... It wouldn't bother me if I died. If I got hit by a car tomorrow they'd have a hell of a time keeping me alive because I'd just let go, not fight it... Is that weird?