yeah, after the gallstone pain attack i had last night i think it is the bes

hi taz. *hugs* i have to go. kat's in charge. bitch.

*squishy hugs Hels* Not at all hun, don't worry about it. I'd rather you focus on trying to help yourself. If PMing me isn't in that plan, it's fine :) *offers plenty of extra soft tissues* sometimes crying is a good thing. Why you crying though? :( I don't like to see people cry.

*hugs Kat*

*hugs ward* I've got a to-do list today with 10 things on it, so I probably won't be on until later tonight. Really want to challenge myself to see if I can keep my focus & motivation going all day. I'll be thinking of you all, and hope you're taking care of yourselves <333

oi, shove off sarah, dont call kat a bitch, that's nasty, 'specially as she's letting you out instead of locking you up like shadow.

Helen, Taz and everyone: sorry.

April: I'm not OK. At all. I feel weak, harmed, hurt, tired, drained.

Check r/v thread. It's about Tom's response to a SH question. I feel like just plain killing myself. But not really.

Yeah, that makes sense. I find it makes me feel isolated. like there's nobody out there and if there is, they just dont care. my phone keeps ringing, but it's nobody but credit companies after money i just dont have right now. *snuggles into your cuddle* mind if i stay here a while? I just dont want to be alone at the moment, and this is the closest I can get to company right now. It's not lame to cry *squeezes* it's natural. I'm crying too, well at least I am inside, my icewall stops me from physically (spelling?) crying in certain situations, and being alone with hazel is one of them.

I seriously apologise about their little outburst back there. Sarah is running a bit out of control at the moment, and baring in mind i've only just 'met' her (worked out her name and age etc), I'm a bit 'loose' at the moment and not good at holding all of them back. I'm struggling to keep 'shadow' locked up, and i'm struggling to cope with having opened the floor to everyone so to speak. i'm so scared i want to block everything from happening, i just want to refuse to let the come through, but i can't stop them anymore, i can't hold them back all the time. Rosie and Amy are really good because I communicate with them all the time, (don't ask me how because I dont know either), but sarah i just dont know, she just added herself to my list down there v v v and voila she's letting herself out. *cries* i'm lost and confused and now i'm rambling, but it's the first time i've let these feelings out. i'm frightened.


Edit: Lynx, i'm sorry you're not doing great *hugs*. wish i had better words.

*squishy hugs back* I will PM you back in a little while, right now I'm struggling just writing posts. But I need to...don't want to be on my own :crying: *accepts tissues* Crying is a good thing sometimes indeed. I just keep crying about everything, it's tooooooooo much. I don't like seeing people cry either...heh :( Hate when my best friends cry, though I never see them cry (well have seen one cry a little in person) but it still breaks my heart :( Good luck with your to-do list :) <3

I'm glad it makes sense. Loneliness does make you feel isolated, it's annoying :( I keep getting phone calls too, but not from my best friends or my sister (well one of them, although she does keep calling too) and it scares me as it comes up with private calls so I dare not answer :( You may stay as long as you like, there's no rush. *holds you* I don't want to be alone either right now. It sucks. *squishes* Yeah crying is natural. I know what you mean about not being able to physically cry.

You don't need to apologise about the outburst, is it a good idea to hold them back? Sorry if that's a stupid question, I don't know much about alters & stuff so don't really have any useful advice :( I can understand wanting to block everything from happening, we all feel like that at times. I do right now :( Am glad Rosie & Amy are good & communicate with you somehow :) Sarah might turn out to be nice but just needs to let her emotions out or something right now? *cuddles you gently* I'm not surprised you feel lost & confused. You're not rambling but I'm glad you're letting it out. *cuddles again*

I haven't seen my therapist in over 3 weeks!
She called me once but I couldn't talk because I was busy, so she said she'd call me the next day.
And she didn't.
Does she not care?? For all she knows I could be dead or in hospital or something because she knows how unstable I am...
I'm not very happy with her.

Maybe you should ring her back sweetheart & see what's going on?

your cuddles are so nice helen *sinks into them* i feel like such a wreck, i can barely keep tabs on what's going on, i have to read back over this all the time just to know who i am and what i'm saying (if that makes sense?) I don't know anything much about altars either, i've never had any help, i'm just kind of muddling along with what i've learnt from seeking help online. pretty pathetic really. thing is, when i'm me, like now, i feel like i'm making them up, that they dont exist, but if they dont exist, and i'm not ill then i must be seriously ill..right? you know what my trouble is? all my life i've never known what truth is. what reality is. everything I think i know, i second guess and destroy my knowledge. I analyze and over analyze until i just dont know who i am anymore, and i don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be ignorant for once and go back to wondering why my life was ****, instead of having found answers.

*huggles kitkat* that's not good, maybe she's just really busy and not had a moment. I don't know. I think you should follow hel's advice.

*fiddles nervously*
I hate calling people. I just... It makes my heart beat really fast and my breathing go all funny.
And I'm nervous about seeing her and stuff, last time I saw her she looked at me like she'd given up on me.

She's busy all this week but she offered me the 25th of May but I have an exam that day... God knows when I'll see her.

i get like that too hun. *cuddles* i'm sure she hasn't given up on you sweetheart, she just might be having a hard time finding the right answer for you, or at least one that might be productive.

Hmmm , I'm sorry to hear that KitKat, Could you ask to be seen earlier? *HUG*

Helen , It's good that you got to speak to one of your best mates for a bit :) ? I hate feeling alone too *HUG*

*HUGS Kat* I'm sorry , it must be so confusing for you with all your alters , I wish I knew the right words of advice :S it's good Rosie and Amy are playing nice though .

*Hugs Hels, both Kats & Mark*

I want to let it all out, I want to write it out, play it out on the piano but all I can see is death, violence and rape. The only thing shutting up my mind is work but afterwards it comes back twice as bad.

:S thats the thing though, do they exist? i'm so confused. cos right now, it feels like i made them all up. which is just wrong. why would i? but i feel like i have and i do.

i just dont deserve to be on here. i just dont deserve all your kind support.

edit: *cuddles lynx* i feel your feelings hun. i wish i could help. but i dont know where i am right now

*HUGS KAT* You totally deserve our support as much as everyone else , don't tell your self anything different :-) < * Thought a smile might cheer you up a little*

Oh Tineke I'm sorry you're having such a hard time too *Hugs* could you try just writing how you are feeling down , just to get it out of your mind onto paper then rip up the paper , throw it away ? Just an Idea , maybe it would help :-)Smile for Tineke too .

Thanks, I've been told that quite often, so it must be true. I'm not surprised you feel like a wreck. What you said about having to keep checking back does make perfect sense. Could you ask for any help with them?? Just you shouldn't really be struggling with them alone I feel :( You're not making them up, but I can understand why you feel that you do. Sorry, I know this reply isn't very useful heh :(

I'm the same with phone calls & could you not ask to see her earlier than that or at a different time that day??

I'm glad I got to. Speaking to the other one right now as it so happens. LOL :( But whether I'll be alone tonight still remains to be seen, oh well, lots of good TV tonight to keep me going if am alone :( *hugs tight* How you doing today??

*cuddles tight* I'm sorry, I have no useful words, but wanted to hug you tight.

Still really want to OD :( For ****'s sake >.> I promised I'd be 'good' lol :( But yeah, doesn't make the urges/screaming any better =[ Sorry, you don't need this. I know everyone's struggling :'(

mark: i dont know what i'm telling myself, am i telling myself i'm not worthy of help and support? or am i just trying to convince myself of the truth? i'm so confused i can only be certain of things that are physical, you know?

it is useful. you're listening. most people run away from trying to help. I want help i really do. I just dont know where to turn, or if i can. I can't afford private, and the nhs here is horrendous as i've said before. I feel so alone, trapped with all this going on in my head, and a smile on my face for everyone else. i want to OD too. i know i shouldn't but i do. I dont want to admit i feel like that though. *cuddles helen tight* stay strong. you're beautiful. everyone here is beautiful.

I'm glad I'm being useful. I'll always listen, just can't always offer anything useful other than that :( NHS is horrendous indeed. >.> I'm not surprised you feel so alone & trapped right now :( Anyone would. I don't blame you for wanting to OD :( *cuddles tight* I'm trying to stay strong..