My update thread.
 

Tonight i was meant to go to a friends. Not a big deal to some, but to me it was. Agoraphobic for 2 years, and i was planning for the first time to go away from my safe haven - my room - and stay around someone elses house.

Hundreds of texts and calls later i've got the message i'm not wanted. I've sat here all day with my bags packed and fully clothed, only to know i wasn't even wanted in the first place. Weeks of planning to go to hers, for nothing.

Something so trivial is what i needed to know in my heart that i wasn't wanted.


I'm sorry for all the false suicide plans - although to me they were always very much real. I'm sorry for letting my friends down. I'm just plain sorry for being a pest, and for being a seemingly trouble maker of a member.

Please don't leave us *hugs* i'm sorry your plans to go to a friends have fallen though, i only have a small amount of anxiety when going outside so it must be a lot harder for you ans i can see how much of a toll this is taking on you. Please please don't do anything. I nearly died on thursday. But the way i see it i'm on my second (and final) chance to live. I'd hate for you to go through that. *hugs* please stay safe, is there anyone who could come over and be with you?

sorry you've been let down, it's not your fault. please stay safe. is there anything you can do to occupy yourself?

I'm sorry to hear that :(

Is there anyone else you can ring or invite someone over to yours?

Please dont do anything.

Ignore the thread.
As soon as i made it i put the bag on i packed and my handbag (across the body bag) - told mum i was going to meet "my friend" at the shop - dad kept offering to walk me there, i refused.
Half way up the road, my cat Benji follows (most inconveniant of times) then dad comes following me - i think mother told him to follow me and wait with me because she sensed i was going to do something, i don't know how she sensed it, but she did, and i was pissed.

Still not heard from so called "friend" - i'm not interested in her bullsh*t now, it takes no more than a second to text me to tell me what's gone on for the past so many hours. I didn't sleep until gone 6am worrying about going out, even mum knew i'd been up all night worrying myself silly. I was up at 11:30am, petrified, i ended up dragging myself in the shower and having a shower/hairwash/shave, i packed my bag, i did my hair nice, i didn't eat as i knew we were getting a take out, and i layed here from 1:30pm until 8pm when i made this entry phoning and texting praying for her to get back to me and she didn't. There's no excuse. She has a contract phone, her house phone she won't answer and i know she's at home as her daughter is in bed by now.

I went to so much effort for today, you don't f*cking realise how much i suffered for the past few days worrying myself over today, but i was determined to go - i had to do it for myself. And she let me down. Again. This isn't the first time. I've known her since i was 14 and all she's done is let me down since then and i can't mentally or emotionally cope with it anymore.

I have other friends in the area but not so close. My closest friends are online and it's impossible to see them like i'd like to.

I feel alone, i feel rejected, i feel dirty, i feel vile, i just feel like i'm a piece of sh*t on someones shoe and this is what pushed me over the edge.

But my parents are so f*cking wary of my ways they won't let me do anything. I hate it. I need to move out if i'm to do anything. Or wait until they go to bed.

I can't do it anymore. No one f*cking understands and i'm on my own with no one around me to properly talk to. My texts are ignored, or they don't reply until the next day when the mood has passed or i'm feeling too upset to even talk. I'm just on my own. And i can't do it. I can't. I've tried. Good god i've tried. But whats the point? There ISN'T ONE.

Hun, if you want to talk on msn tonight, I'll be there. Text me if I'm not.

I know, as much as I can from your threads, that today was a terribly big deal, and I am realy disgusted at your friend to be honest, I think you were taking tremendous steps forward and it's just shite that she's treated you this way.

You deserve better than this. You really do, I know you don't think you do, I know you think you're hated (and god knows there are some right fuckwits in that respect who shouldn't fuck with you when you're 1000000000x better than them), but you're not by the people who count. We're here for you, we want to be here for you, and we're not going to go away.

*huggles* That sounds very bad of your friend to do. I am working on the assumption that she knows you have agoraphobia?

What I want you to tell yourself, and I know it will be hard to do, but you need to know that this is not your fault. You did all the right things, you made the plan and took it as organised. I know it caused you a lot of stress, and it was very very brave of you to do and to hold to. It is your friend who is at fault. Not you. You are far from vile, you are a fantastic person who has done their best to remain true to a friend that is in no way showing any sign of returning that level of respect or friendship.

Fallen rain has said it much much better than I can... my brain is a bit muddled right now.

*cuddles* feel proud of yourself for deciding to do it, maybe you can take it as a step taken. You did not fail, you still went outside with your bags. You made a plan that you knew would cause stress and inspite of the stress you were determined to stick with it. It is just one person being an idiot that has stopped it from working, and that person was not you.

I am proud of you *cuddles*

Roiben x

I wish I knew what to say to help you to feel better. You do deserve better.

You deserve better than to be treated this way, I think if your friend tries to get in touch you need to have a serious talk with her. There are other people in the world, people who are good and kind, don't give up just because there are a few crappy ones who are being cruel to you *big hugs*

I promise to reply soon...i just..well, i can't really focus properly right now. I'm feeling really low and..basically could do with some hugs/support/reassurance. I'm finding things really hard at the moment.
I'm even considering a hospital for a bit of "respite". I'm really thinking on it, i'm going to phone GP tomorrow to talk to him about it.

Thankyou all for your wonderful words. It means a lot. I really mean that.

x

I think it's really brave of you to think about hospital and other options.
Don't worry about replying, you do what you can, we're here for you unconditonally. Have huge hugs from me.
I really hope tomorrow you get a good talk with your GP, I'll text you at some point to see how you are if that's ok?

xx

That's fine - thanks Abigail for your ongoing support both on and off RYL - it means a lot. If i don't reply for a bit don't worry or anything, i just feel like everythings in slow motion at the moment so i'm struggling. I don't think i'm dissociating, but i definatly feel on the edge of it, sort of..not really with it.
I don't make sense do i? Er..

Thanks anyway, it really means a lot. xx

It's nothing, really hun, you're a very important person to me (And many other people on RYL).

That (the slow motion) sometimes happens to me, I see it as a form of dissociation/depersonalization, the spectrum is pretty broad, however call it whatever is easiest to process. You do make sense (to me at least) I know it's really hard to function in that sort of state, especially things like typing. What can help is sensory things, like splashing your face with very, very cold water, smelling vinegar, or doing things like writing down where you are, what is happening to you, your name, etc. I have a leaflet on grounding that might help if you like I could email it to you. I think when things are so bad it's best to try and reduce the pain by 20% first, rather than aiming to make it all go away at once - because I don't know about you, but I'm always disappointed when I try to do it all at once and it fails.

One of the best things, I find, is thinking about why you're on the verge of dissociating, or what you could do to comfort the part of you that has decided you need to do this. Of course, when you're dissociated/on the verge of dissociating it's bloody hard to think at all, so what I find best is to have set things to do to look after oneself, the best I've found of these is wrapping a really big thick blanket around myself, it can really help when you're feeling extremely vulnerable.

Here for you hun, xxx

You make sense in what you've said, i understood all of it. I just feel all a bit weird, ive not had this feeling before. I think it's a mixture of exhaustion (despite having slept all night and all day), upset/stress from last night..and just generally feeling really low. When i've dissociated in the past i'd just blank out, then come round 10-15 minutes later, sometimes upto an hour later and usually in that time i've self harmed. I've not had it like this before, everything just seems all spacey and i feel like it's taking me years just to take one blink of the eye? Er. That's a stupid thing to say.

This is taking ages to write. Sorry. I'd love the article Abigail, can't promise i'll beable to fully read it properly now but definatly something i'll read tomorrow.

This is so weird it's scaring me. Breathing seems hard. I need to pee but the effort seems immense. I have a migraine..just took some tablets..i hope it goes.

I'll go now. Not making sense. xx

nothing helpful to say but *hugs* anyway

Ily Laura. xx

Hey im sorry your feeling so bad, going through so much and having so many things to deal with.

Well done for doing your best with trying to cope with all this and i really hope that you dont give up.

im also sorry you feel so badly about yourself right now.i only wish you could see in you what i truly do through your posts etc even without knowing you well.

i know my words probably arent much use and neither probably is my post!

But i just wanted to let you know im here and i read.

And also i think that it would be a really great idea if you could speak to your GP tomoro and you really do sound like you could do with a break/something else to help you/an extra bit of support right now so im really glad your considering it.

Good luck.

i really do hope that you manage to speak to them, it goes ok and they are helpful.

Keep in touch and keep writing ok.Hope its helpful.

Can't cope.
Need to get through tonight but struggling immensly.
Please let my GP be in. Please please please.
CPN off all week. Can't contact her.
Screwed. F*cking screwed.

Typsee - thankyou for taking the time in replying. Infact, that goes to all of you, i appreciate your support right now.

I've just taken my medication in the hope it will soon kick in but i have a feeling it won't for some time, they never seem to work when i most want them to.
I know helplines are out there but i find helplines just..intimidating. I'm rubbish on the phone and i don't even know what i want to talk about. I just feel..really weird, my moods are jumping between frustration to depression, i can't seem to settle on one or the other. I know i'm on my period and my moods from my BPD increase dramatically around this time but i feel so hurt from yesterday and i don't even think Zoe understands just how much she's hurt me. To her it's just..like always, like i'll be fine with it and go running back to her. But i won't. I can't do that anymore.

There's so much sh*t i've not mentioned when it comes to friendships and i feel that i'm just cursed, and that i should stay away from everyone because i'm just going to infect everyone.

Owh sweet, that's shit and I'm sorry it happened. But I think it's a reflection of her, not you, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I think it's completely understandable that you're so hurt, all you have to do now is to take care of yourself and be gentle of yourself with the hurt.

Don't give up on friendships, my friendship with you means the world to me and I don't think you'll infect me.

Darling; be safe. If you have to have a bit of respite, do so, it might make things a bit clearer for you.

I love you. xxxx

I'm back online hun. Hope you are feeling even a teeny bit better today. Have you managed to speak to your gp? Maybe hospital would be useful to give you a break and keep you safe so that you don't have to fight to keep yourself safe.
*hugs*

Laura, I just read this, and I really wanted to reply. I can hear that you feel really down about yourself at the moment and, with regards to Zoe, like everyone has said, the fault lies with her and not with you. You still managed to take a really big step and for that you should be so proud. As for being a trouble maker of a member you're certainly not that. You just have to read back this thread to see how important you are to such a lot of people here. Also from a personal point of view although I've only "met" you recently, what I've seen is that you're a really committed RYL'er who's always tring to push things forward for the good of the community so not a troublemaker at all.
How are things going for you this morning Laura? How are you feeling?
Kiran
xx

Thankyou all for your replies. I apologise again for not being with it enough to reply properly to you all..still pretty spacey/out of it.

My GP phoned and the first thing i said was "I'm not doing good, i need to see you as soon as possible" - "Ok - will 4.10pm do you?" - "Yes" - "Ok, see you then, take care Laura" *puts phone down*
So. 4.10pm. I'm bordering on asking to go into hospital but i don't think i can emotionally cope with the psychiatric assessment from the crisis team because i REFUSE to have any intervention from the crisis team - and if they say "Oh you don't need to be in hospital but we'll send someone round daily" i will refuse to open my f*cking door. I hate them so much you will never understand just how much i hate them. They're completely useless. If i wanted the crisis team i'd ask for them, but i want a bed, in a hospital, just for a few days/weeks, for some respite and to sort my medication out as i'm forgetting to take them - i'm all over the place and i can't physically manage to follow times with tablets right now.

I'm fucked really aren't i? I don't think i'll end up going in. I'll ask. But i doubt i'll end up in there.

I hope the appointment goes well x

Hey hun,

I think you need to print out your last post and show it to your GP. Especially that you can't manage to follow times with tablets, that would be a clear reason for hospital to happen. Does he know how hard you've found the crisis team previously. I read a post on lj before that I think (if memory serves correctly, which it doesn't always do) you outlined exactly how bad the crisis team were there, I could dig it out for you (I think it would be frustrating and depressing for you to go through how bad things have been on your lj) and turn it into a list for you to give your GP if that might help?

Could I have your email for the leaflet on grounding? I can't upload it on RYL (Copyright etc, I'm paranoid about it). Just pm your email ... wait... I think I have your email. Ok, I'll email it to you once I've found it your email. Sorry I'm rambling. Don't worry if you cant' read it at the moment, or even if you never read it, it just might help knowing you have it there, or it might help to give it to someone to read so they can help you when you're dissociating/upset (it's meant to help flashbacks and bad emotional things too), especially if you do go into hospital and such.

I don't think you're fucked, I will be thinking, hoping, praying (if that's ok) for you to get a bed, or some sort of help that doesn't involve the crisis team nightmare.

I hope you've gone. You really, really do deserve to get some help and something sorted. *hugs*

Right, so, firstly a massive thankyou to Abigail, Emma & Carrie for texting me before/during/after my appointment - i truely believe if it hadn't been for your support/encouragement i would have walked out. So thankyou, it means a lot to me.
(And Tiff ilyt)

Secondly - I went in really spaced out. I felt like i did last night, and i kept looking at my hands in a strange way apparently as Dr.Newson said "Is there something wrong with your hands?" and i said no and asked why he said "You keep moving them back and fourth towards your body/face and i'm just wondering why" - no idea i was doing it. My eyelids were droopy and i think i was on that dissociation verge again through stress of going. That on top of mental/emotional exhaustion is just not a good mixture.

When i told him about what happened at the weekend, how this has been building up for months and that the whole Zoe situation triggered it all off, he immediately said "I think you should be in hospital, do you want to go?" - without me even having to ask. I said yes, and then i cried and said "You of all people know how much i hated hospital in December, so for me to openly admit to you it would be the safest place for me right now is a big thing" and he agreed.

He tried to phone the on call psychiatrist who was busy (surprise surprise). He asked if i'd mind waiting outside so he could see a few patients while they got back to him, so i went out for a cigarette as the waiting area was packed. Went back IN to the waiting area and started breathing heavily and fast, i think everyone thought i was a freak :/ Epic fail on trying to not have an anxiety attack.

He called me back in, and the options were either i have an assessment today by the crisis team (in which i replied a very stern NO) or i go to Huntingdon Clinic (the next town from here) to get assessed by one of my consultant psychiatrists junior doctors - which i cried about (at the thought of getting there = sad times with my anxiety) but reluctantly agreed to be assessed by one of the junior doctors as i do NOT want ANY intervention by the crisis team WHAT so ever.

I'm now convinced that my appointment will be of no use, that they will deem me relatively safe to stay at home and send the crisis team out despite me kicking up a fuss. If they do send the crisis team out i will refuse to see them or speak to them. It is in my care plan that under no circumstance do i have any intervention from the crisis plan UNLESS it is FORCED upon me which is unlikely as by that point i should apparently be hospitalised.

I'm waiting on a call from Dr.Newson - he asked if i wanted to wait in the waiting room so he could tell me the time of my appointment but i said i just wanted to go home, so here i am. He's working until 8pm so i'll just wait patiently for his phonecall. I'm scared about tomorrow, i'm scared they won't listen, i need to somehow articulate some words on paper about how im feeling/about the crisis team but i'm so anxious i'm finding it impossible. My mother is being uber understanding which is freaking me out as she usually calls me an attention seeker/that i put it on - and dad just said "You aren't well today then dear?" in a really sweet way. My parents freak me out when they're being nice as i am used to the opposite treatment, but i think they're beginning to understand i'm in a dangerous place at the moment.

I have been given a bunch of Temazepam and Diazepam to calm me down. So i'm hoping in an hour or two i'll feel more chilled out. I'm smoking too much which is always a sign my anxiety is bad.

I have a pint of fresh orange juice with ice, mum treated me and brought me 2 cartons. So i'm trying to cool down. I'm just..so irritated, upset, emotional, hormonal..you name it, i feel it.

I've changed the title of this thread to "My update thread" rather than "Support thread" as although support would be great it's not mandatory, i just want the people who care to know what's going on if i do go into hospital.

I'm running low on credit so finding it difficult to reply - sorry guys. I'll always be about on RYL though until the early hours of the morning so PM me anytime and i'll reply.
IF i do go into hospital it's likely my mother will lend me £10 until i get paid thursday to top my phone up so i can keep those of you who are interested updated on what's going on and how i'm doing.

I will openly admit i'm scared. Scared they won't have a bed. I can't go further than my local hospital as i will be in a state because i'll be too far from home and my agoraphobia simply won't let me, i'd rather hang myself to be quite frank.

So there's the update/whats going on now if anyone was/is interested.

Thankyou all again for your ongoing support - i love you all.
xx

I'm so glad something's being done. I really, really am. I know you can do it, you just need to. It's more a need than a want, & blah I don't know what I'm saying but I love you & you can do it and update from you would be good please *hugstight*

I've never really spoken to you, but I want you to know that I care and that I hope the doctor gets back to you with some news that'll help you.

Best of luck to you, sweetheart. You will be in my thoughts.

*massive cuddles* x

Heya hun, sorry I texted you and then came online, so don't worry about replying, I was out of it for an hour or so which is why I didn't text you more, really sorry. I will reply properly in a bit, when I'm feeling more 'with it.'

I hope the assessment goes well. Be totally honest with how you're feeling hun, I know its tempting to downplay things.

It sounds like you could do with a rest and some space to yourself, I hope they offer you what's best.

No phonecall from him to let me know what time my psychiatric appointment is. I'm having a panic attack. Feeling forgotten. Like no one gives a shit. I'm on my own again and all of todays shit was for nothing. I'm back at square one again.

No point. Might aswell just fucking hang myself. Least i fucking tried.

I hope the appointment goes okay Laura, it sounds like the best thing for you right now and well done on being so brave about it all.
Thinking of you. x

Maybe the jr drs are currently caught up in assessments or a shift change or something.

So proud of you for taking this step and fingers crossed the assessment goes well for you tomorrow so that you can get IP help.

Love you!

*hugs*

Nah, they just can't be arsed with me, which i can understand, because i can't be arsed with me either, and nor should any of you.

I won't be about RYL much anymore, i'm going to wean myself off it. This place is fucked up and i'm fucked off with being bitched about in threads because people are too pussy to come and say it to my face. They can all go to hell for all i care, i'll meet them there soon enough.

To the people that have my number, you know where i am.
Laura.

Hey Laura, I will keep texting you hun but will bear in mind that you may run out of credit.

You are worth it. You have helped so much recently. It was you that put me back on track and yes things are bloody hard being back here but you reminded me of that little part of me that wants to recover. If it wasn't for you being honest and willing to put it so clearly in that text the other week, I wouldn't be looking around at the options. I am saying this publicly as I want people on here to realise how beautiful and kind you are in the hope that it counteracts any stupidity and insults of others.

Please report any member that has behaved towards you in such an appalling manner.

You know where I am hun.

*hugs tight to keep safe until assessment*

You done that for yourself Carrie, i was just there as a friend. I'm not kind, i'm a bitch, and i'm certainly not beautiful. But thankyou for taking the time out to write that, even if i don't believe a word of it.

Take care of yourself - concentrate on you now.
x

I'm with Carrie - you are beautiful. You might not see it, and there are some people on here who are complete shitwits and rotton inside and who are probably jealous of your spirit. You have fought so hard, and I personally find you inspiring, despite everything you speak your mind, you're very just and a great friend.

These aren't empty words hun, I don't know what's happened, but I know some of the shit you go through on RYL, and I think it's disgusting and I will fight for you till the end.

Here for you, I really hope you can get through till the assessment, and I hope so much it works out and they let you have some respite.

Im so sorry to hear this. Its pure evil, in my eyes. I cant say any words to this. I feel physically sick at what she has done to you.

x

i hope the assessment has a positive outcome and that you actually get the help you need. i know its hard but the people who are bitching aren't worth it. i hope it gets sorted. ill be keeping an eye out if you need me pm me ok ill be around till the early morningxx

It shouldn't matter if someone is an ex-mod or staff etc. Make sure you follow it up.

You are NOT a bitch.

I am probably here for a couple of hours if you want to chat hun.

*hugs*

Funny though, as these people are the ones that have recently PM'd me saying "Oh i know we haven't always got on" blablablabla. Bollocks.

It's like the whole weekend happening again. I feel my ears ringing from people bitching. I hate it. Just say it to my FUCKING FACE.

And Dr.Newson never phoned back, if i phone the surgery in the morning and he's not there im fucked, because he was the one dealing with getting me an urgent assessment. Ahaha. LOSER I AM.
I should just go ahead with my stash anyway.

But i want people to stop offering support, i want people to concentrate on themselves, because right now i feel like i'm bringing everyone else down and that i'm just a pest. I want others to get better, to stay on track, just forget me.

If Dr Newson isn't there in the morning I am sure he will have briefed a colleague to chase it up as he is a great dr with you isn't he?

You haven't pulled me down hun at all, you have done the opposite of that to me. I'm trying to find options to help me get better after texts from you. I am thinking about my options and concentrating on me but that doesn't mean I can't be there for you also.

Love you!

*hugs and sits by Laura to keep her company*

I dont know what to say Laura. I hope you can manage until tomorrow morning when hopefully your doctor will have sorted out your assessment. *big hugs*

I don't trust anyone else but Dr.Newson, it's why i only go to him if Gemma (CPN) isn't available and i'm so scared if he's not in i'll be completely alone and vulnerable.
I should really ask when he is/isn't in but i always forget.

Feel so low, so so low. All i can imagine is myself wrapping a sheet around my neck and strangling myself, or suffocating myself with a pillow. I can't get suicide out of my head. I'm beginning to feel dissociation coming on again, all spacey..and slow.
I just want it all to end and the only way to get out of this is to end everything.

*hugs laura* sweetie, you are in no way a pest and I am not about to go away, I may not comment much because I do not know what to say, but you are not pulling me down (hell, I do that all by myself).

I care about you Laura, and hope your Dr is there and able to help you. If not, can you ask when he will next be in? make them write it down so you don't forget it.

If Dr.Newson isn't in in the morning i'm screwed, because he made me promise him i'd be safe for tonight until my assessment tomorrow. An assessment i don't even know if exists. It's making me more anxious not knowing if it is booked/if i'll miss it. I'm phoning first thing in the morning to my surgery to see if he's in/to get him to phone me, but i won't beable to cope another night like this, i'll probably go end it all if i don't get the help tomorrow. I was hoping i'd get help today but i guess not. I can only just make it through tonight with loads of meds, but i wouldn't beable to do it again, i'd just go without a word to anyone.

Thankyou for your support. Sorry for being self centered. I don't deserve support really, but thankyou. xx

It will be sorted hun. If you want, if Dr Newson isn't in, give me the number and I will call and pester them to sort it.

Just popping in to irritate you and remind you I love you :tongue2:

Will visit you in hospital aswell as it will keep me out of trouble so let me know where you end up. Not been in your neck of the woods fsince my MA dinner a year or so ago.

*hugs and pokes*

Hey hun, I am so so sorry for not replying yesterday. Have pm'd you with explanation, so sorry. :(

Anyhow, I wanted to say good luck and I'll be thinking of you and available on the phone all morning. If they don't I'm happy to call Dr Newson etc too (me and No Reason should start a club we agree on so many things I think :yeah: ).

Anyhow, I thought you need some hippos to give you good morning (you know I love flying hippos right?) (Hidden as the pictures are big/ might annoy people).