.....
 

I won't go into detail, really, as it seems all completely pointless.


A few things need to be finalised, but right now i could do with some support. I'm getting by with SI'ing, but due to lack of sleep my mind is constantly busy, and i can barely function properly.
So just some support/hugs/whatever would be very much appreciated.

Thankyou x

P.S. No, there is no one available to support me.

Edited - Please show Laura some support. She's feeling rather suicidal at the moment, and all the kind words people could give would be greatly appreciated. x

Has something happened Laura to make you feel like this?

Been going on for a while but when i was pretty much refused any help i asked for that finalised everything for me, i asked for the help for everyone else (family/friends) not for me, but my point was proven.

Doesn't matter. Thanks for asking anyway Jane.

Laura, how did your appt with your new psych and Gemma go? Did they have any suggestions?

I care about you hun, I really do!

*hugs*

I'm sorry things are difficult for you right now, sweet.
*sendings lots of hugs* xo.

*big squishes*

Please please, Laura, keeping fighting this. Please don't give up now.

Roughly around a week and a half to go.
I keep thinking of the morning when i leave this house, when my parents will be out at work, and that it'll be my walk of "death". Very strange feeling, but a very contented one.

Struggling to sleep at the moment, but laying in bed is all the energy i seem to have. I just wish my head wasn't so busy - that's the part i hate the most, along with the exhaustion.

Thankyou for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it.

Plans, Plans, Plans.

Vowed last year never to make plans again, but all i can think about is when i can leave the house to do it, how i'm going to do it, putting everything into place.

No day is set, which i'm happy with, i'll go with the flow, although i have a few days in mind.

It's mad to think it will all be over soon. Ah. RELIEF.

This makes me very sad indeed :(

I really hope you change your mind. It's not too late.

Laura, sent you a pm earlier. You are worth more than this and as awful as it is right now, you are worth trying again for. I have given you examples of how your team should be helping you now and hope you can discuss these with Gemma.
*hugs*

Laura, please hang on in there.

I don't have much to say, but it's sad to see someone in such a state.
I know it's hard to think straight, but suicide's permanent.

xx

Please, change your mind, reach out, tell someone because it's not too late. Please don't let it end like this Laura, please. You can get through this.

That's exactly what i want to accomplish. Something permanent.

Dr.Newson knows that i'm getting out of here as soon as i can. He'll probably inform Gemma (CPN)/mental health services but Gemma already knows and i'm thankful that they aren't going to do anything and are willing to leave me to my own devices. It's what i want.

I cancelled seeing Gemma today and text her to tell her not to bother next week either as i won't be here.

I find it calming thinking about everything.

I'm sorry i'm letting you all down but i do appreciate your support. I won't be changing my mind - it's probably best i don't talk on this thread anymore incase i break more rules or upset someone when it isn't my intention to do either.

Sorry for upsetting you all.
Laura x

Laura, it does hurt me to hear you're stating you won't be here next week but that's because I care. Not only do I care but I know this shit you're going through now is not going to be forever; things change, times change emotions and people and situations, they all change, and they can change for you & get better. You can experience happiness, and that's what you deserve, it makes me sad to think you're going to throw all of that away.

Please, reconsider Laura. Tell Gemma what is really going on; let them in and let them help you get through this. You're such a wonderful person & you're beautiful, you so are, I don't want this to end now, not like this.

Aimee - i know you care, and i truely value your friendship, and no doubt you are right that given time things will somewhat improve and the emotions/feelings won't be so intense. But it isn't that. It's the fact i don't wish to be here - i don't wish to recover, i don't wish to have a future, a job, a career, a family, i don't wish to travel and i don't wish to live. It's been like that for years but its taken me this long to truely do something about it. I can't turn this opportunity down now, not after everything.

Gemma doesn't care - she knows indepth of what i'm planning on doing but she is leaving me to my own devices, as are the services and my GP. And i'm completely happy with this. Even if i wanted help i could bet money on the fact they wouldn't give it to me!

Honestly - i understand you are concerned but please try to understand this is really what i want, really it is.

I've probably broken more rules. Sorry.
xx

Well I've been thinking about this nearly solidly for the past two days now.

Obviously, you've made your mind up but there's nothing to suggest that you cannot change your mind.

I think the reason this is upsetting me so much is not only because I have found myself thinking of you as a friend, and that the picture I saw of you was completely beautiful, and that you seem to understand me on a level that not everybody else does.

And also, I've felt the exact same way as you. It scared me because I can recognise that relief, that finalised feeling, all of that, I've been through it before too. But also that I obviously didn't succeed and now that I didn't, I am glad. You've seen my journal; I've got through the worst of it when at one time I was at that same relief as you. So, it makes me wonder what opportunities and happiness and general experiences you'll be throwing away. I know you say you don't care about them, that you don't want to be here, that this is what you really want, but I remain insistant that it's not going to be what you want always. There will be a time where this all passes, and then you can experience happiness & you'll sit back and be grateful for it all and excited about it.

That's what I want for you. And I've been thinking of you over the past two days and I know that even if you just read this and ignore it, I had to say it anyway. Because if you leave (die, as it were) and I didn't say what was really in my heart, I would not forgive myself. As it is if I you do go through this you'll break my heart in a way I can't express.

I really hope, pray, believe you'll get through this. Please, hear me for what I am saying and what I am not saying; for what is in my heart.

Love Aimee xx

Laura, I know I don't know you that well but you have been a wonderful help to me over the last few weeks and I am sorry I didn't realise how much you are suffering.

Please reconsider seeing a new psych and or/requesting a change of CPN.

Thinking of you x

Laura, I am bumping this to ensure you see Aimee's latest post in reply.

Thinking of you hun!

*hugs*

Laura, still thinking of you.

You ok? I'm worried about you!

*hugs*

Damn..didn't think this thread would still be on the frontpage. I don't warrant any sympathy/support really.

I honestly do know what i'm doing - i couldn't be sure of anything more.
I've started stockpiling tablets for next week - prescription ones that i know will truely f*ck me up. However, in the meantime, i am in pain because some of the tablets are for my back pain - and i am refusing to take any as my GP seems to have cotton on about next week (am presuming from Gemma) thus he is only giving me 50 instead of 100 like i usually get. Pissed.

By the time i get my next prescription next week, i will be all set.

I spoke to Gemma about sectioning yesterday, only because the thought PETRIFIES me, therefor i wish to know details on how it is dealt with if it was to get that far. I will however (fingers crossed) be gone by the time it gets to that, and it's unlikely i would get sectioned anyway because the MH Services are uber lazy.

Apparently i was discussed with Gemma and "her" team yesterday morning about the concerns they have for me. Harhar. What b*llocks. Concers my arse. I told her i think they all think i'm bullsh*tting. She said she doesn't at all, which is why she's going to such great lengths to stop me being referred to the crisis team (because she knows how much that distresses me as i think they're utterly POINTLESS). She's phoning monday apparently to see "how im doing", i said nothing would have changed by then, when i've made my mind up that's it.

She wants to see me on Wednesday, and i don't think i have much choice in the matter, but my concerns around this are she's very shrewd, and i know she'll have a bunch of crap up her sleeve. I.E. Informing parents, persuading me to go into hospital (which she was trying to do yesterday - she brought it up several times, of which i refused), and..well, loads of other things.

I just want to be left alone by them. I'm rather content if not anxious at the moment about next week. I just want to get it over and done with.

I'm terribly sorry for bringing you all into it and upsetting you all, it's completely my fault and i shouldn't have made this thread, but i'm getting PM's/comments on my LJ and texts asking where i am, how its going, if i've changed my mind, and i felt it would only be fair to update here where everyone will see it. I'm trying to word things accordingly but no doubt i've put my foot in it somewhere along the line..if so, i apologise.

Thankyou again for your concerns/support but please please please concentrate on yourselves and not on me. I'm honestly fine with everything, i'm just biding my time, and i really don't want to feel even more guilty about..upsetting everyone.

Gah none of this makes sense. Sorry.
Love to all x

laura, hun, you know how I feel about you - please reconsider.

Just letting you know I'm reading, and I wish you'd change your mind.

Laura, can you please try and speak to Gemma or your gp tomorrow?

I thought about you again today at work - as I do when my mind wanders, think about the internet, and it saddens me that at one point all I'll have left is thinking of you and not being able to tell you, to see your journal entries, to see you around here.

Change your mind, please.

What, in all frankness, can any of us say to change your mind?

I'm drawing blanks here.

I do love you though.

Have you ever heard The Spill Canvas song "Self Conclusion?"
Listen to it.

We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion.
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets.

Oh & if you're not here to stand up for me, and the thoughts I can't say properly, then who will?

just letting u no i am reading this please change your mind

See Laura, all these people here care for you. Please rethink!
*hugs*

Please answer the 'phone when Gemma calls and speak to her hun!

*hugs*

Sending my undying love and care to you honey, you know I'm here in every way I can be, big hugs xxxxxx

Has Gemma called yet?

*hugs*

I spoke to her.

Basically, Dr.Dell'ebra (my new consultant psychiatrist) wants to prescribe me another anti-psychotic - too late i'm afraid, he should have offered it the first time he saw me. What made me laugh is when Gemma emailed him saying i'd been on an AP, and that i wanted to go on another, he emailed back asking what one i was on - despite having had my medical files from 1994 LOL. Incompetance much?

Gemma is now begging to come on Wednesday with Dr.Dell'ebra - i'm refusing, as i'm too scared i'm going to get sectioned. She's saying she's going to get the Acute Care Team involved, but she knows how i feel about them, so now i'm telling her i'm fine and won't do it just because i don't want them to start f*cking showing up on my doorstep all the time.

As far as i'm concerned everything is still going ahead. But i know the next few days are going to be tricky in getting around Gemma/psychiatrist/crisis team.

Why dont you at least try the new antipsychotic? You have nothing to lose. You're at rock bottom, the only way is up.

If they are planning on sectioning you, your refusing them entry to your house wont stop them. They can go to a magistrate and apply for a section 135.

It's never too late to change your mind, remember that.

The risperidone did help despite the side effects. Another AP may also help. Surely, you cuold give it a chance for a couple of weeks or so?

Sorry folks but i can't. It should have been given to be months ago. Now that they know roughly what i'm planning they're trying to give me what i asked for - it doesn't work like that.

They won't section me. They're idiots in this part of the country. And even if i was to be given the crisis team it would only be thursday i'd have to deal with them.

Sorry guys..real sorry. xx

I've just seen a pic of you on the Compliments board and you look gorgeous and full of life. What a waste of a life! You have such a poor opinion of yourself that I never dreamed you were so pretty.

Please rethink - just a couple of weeks to let the new ap kick in. I have found quetiapine really helpful as it helps me sleep and helps calm and sometimes helps me not sh or not harm as badly.

Sorry to keep spamming your post but just thought after seeing your pic that I reckon you may have the same problem as I do at times . Just because I look young and not dreary and do my hair etc, I swear they think I am doing better than I am. Maybe they see you and think "well, she's a beautiful young girl who surely has her whole life ahead". They find it harder to see the pain. I'm not being weird or anything but just putting a few things out there for you to think about. It would be an absolute tragedy, hun, it really would!

The picture is 2 years old. 2 f*cking years old. I'm too ashamed to post a recent picture - i don't even have one, because my face is disgusting. I've put on so much weight since that picture, STONES infact, and i am disgusting. Don't be fooled by a fake picture. It was before i got ill anyway. But thanks i guess.

I think he wanted to put me on Aripiprazole - not looked it up like i always do, i see no point.

I feel so lonely. Like no one understands i need to get the f*ck out.

I never wear make up Carrie - ever. Well i haven't for atleast a year and a half. I used to take pictures every 4-6 months all the time, do my hair, do my make up, and just take hundreds, then save the few i liked. I don't do it anymore. I tried once, but my face is so much fatter i can't bare to look at them.

But i always put a front on - it's how i have existed so long. Worked, kinda, until now, where a smile takes all my energy.

I don't really wear make-up either - you can tell by the pics in the Compliments board of me.

I bet you are nowhere near as "fat" as you say you are. I have put on a load of weight this past yr and half so I understand that it is difficult to get used to a new version of yourself. Weight is not a permanent thing, hun in any event.

I too do the whole front thing but the HR manager I had a meeting with today saw through it whereas the professionals don't :crazy:

Why don't you try posting on the mh board in the bpd thread or your own re experience of that med? Have you looked it up on the internet to see what it is like?

I really want you to reconsider Laura, I really do!

Thinking of you!

btw I didn't reply to your text as I was scared as to what the "morbid pm" was that you wanted to send. I do still care. Please keep in touch via pm/text.

*hugs and tried to keep safe*

Not letting you go that easily hun. Even now you are trying to help someone. What would they do if you weren't here?

Love you Laura, really!

Laura,

We need you here. You know what you are? You're a fighter; it's clear to me now that is what you are, and your standing up for what you believe in around here has allowed me to do the same & not feel so alone. And to feel like I know you a bit better, too.

Please, reconsider. Honestly, the world as I know it would be lesser, for knowing you had left.

P.S. You can be big and beautiful at the same time... and I have a sneaking suspicion that you are, based on everything I know about you thus far.

Morning Laura :)

Have you looked into the new ap being offered?

*hugs*

I wish you wouldn't all be so nice and supportive towards me. It makes me feel terribly guilty and it makes me just..not know what to say anymore. I do appreciate it, of course, but at the same time..i just, gah, i don't know.

I've finally lost my appetite - it's the first thing to go when i'm this unsafe. I should be thankful really, not eating for a few days will do me more good than harm.

I'm awaiting a call from Gemma - she said she'd phone before lunchtime but i know what she's like. Fed up of waiting around for her. Frustrating. If i ignore her she'll only barge into my house anyway or set the crisis team on me so i feel i need to comply.

I'm still not changing the plans and i'm sorry to dissapoint. Right now i can't turn back after coming this far. If i fail, IF, which i hope to god i don't, then i won't have no choice but to take up with the new AP's. Until then. It's all systems go.

Thankyou all of you.
x

Sh*t, Sh*t, Sh*t, Sh*t.

1.30pm. Gemma & My consultant psych are coming. TODAY. I didn't know they were coming today.
OMG.
I don't know what to say or do and now i'm having a panic attack and i cant f*cking breathe, and i have no Temazepam.

Bollocks.

*sits with you*
Laura, it'll be okay, you'll be alright. Try and just calm down as best you can, focus on something other than them coming, even something to ground yourself like a teddy [..for example..]

And please consider the AP's because they might be able to help and give you a new lease on life.

In any case, am here for you and will sit by you today.
*plonks self down*
xxxxxxx

Keep writing. x

Wish i had a teddy. You have so many, can i borrow one?!

I just don't know what to say and i'm getting worked up about it. In an hours time i'm going to be sitting in my living room in awkward silence not knowing what to say. I mean for godsake, why put me in this situation? I find it terribly frustrating. I'd rather see Gemma on her own not with someone i barely know.
I won't give over details which is what they want. I won't have the crisis team - under NO circumstance will i have them - and there's nothing else they can do.

Wish you were here Aimee :( xx

*plonks self down next to Laura*

I'm here for you aswell hun.

Please consider the AP hun - have you looked for info on the net about the one they are suggesting? If you don't want that one, they can prescribe you a different one.

*hugs*