Christmas Card Inserts - *trig sui*
 

I have recently been receiving Christmas cards from uni friends (I graduated from Cambridge in 2003 so unfortuantely have many high-flying friends) with those little inserts telling me all the fab things they have done this year so I wondered what my own insert would read like:

Well, I spent the first 2 weeks in denial, had a useless appt with my psychiatrist (oh, had I forgotten to mention that in the past). A couple of weeks later when denial was no longer working I ended up under the crisis team – I had a choice, that or hospital. I ended up having time off work for the first time in my life – about 3 weeks.

During the next few months I took “multiple overdoses” and my self harm spiralled out of control. I was transferred from the crisis team back to my psych and was assigned a CPN.

I have been frequently found unconscious in public through excess alcohol. I was sectioned by the police (section 136) and then at the beginning of June was held under a Section 2.

Between mid-May and mid July, I was off work again, which resulted in my training contract being extended.

At the end of July my sister’s husband threw her out of a moving car and at this time he joined the voices in my head and has not left. The voices became too much too bear and I finally told my psych about them in September. Apparently they aren’t psychotic, ust pseudo-hallucinations so it is perfectly fine to keep hearing them and seeing things.

Started on a new med by my psych when saw her in September – an anti-psychotic. It is supposed to help with my impulsivity and self harm .It thankfully helps me sleep as haven’t slept more than a few hours a night for over a year and half at this point.

At the end of September, I qualified as a solicitor. In November, I took a step down to work as a paralegal instead as I am too weak and pathetic and it is still a fight every day to even go into work.

Recently, I have been fighting the urges to OD again but failed to fight the other week and found out that it is actually quite nice to OD on my new med.

What’s in store for next year? Who knows? Will I be here to write an equivalent insert this time next year? Who knows?

Doesn't read too well does it? ****ing freak!

I know the feeling. All of my friends are at uni and have forgotten about me. I sent a card and didnt even get a thanks. I dread old classmates messaging me on facebook asking me what I'm doing, because I can't exactly say "Oh, well, I'm pretty much a professional psychiatric patient" lol.

Well, I suppose at least I can't call myself a "professional psychiatric patient" as I'm really **** at being one :-D

Housemate is out tonight - to cut or OD, who knows which one it will be. The only thing certain is that it will be one or the other, or maybe even both.

Why is it that I can't even admit to them that I am struggling. My best friend from high school (known her since we were 11) said to me earlier in the year that I sounded sad. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to tell her and she would probably be the least judgmental as she was anorexic in the past.

Too proud. I wasn't meant to be like this. Top of school, top of college, handpicked from the oxbridge grads for a special internship at an LA law firm, distinction in post-grad diploma in legal practice, a "rare talent" at work. Who the **** is this person? I know its me but it's not. It's someone else. The person whose life I look in on. I'm just a freak who can't stop cutting herself to bits even though 27 in a couple of weeks. What have I got to show for all that? Nothing. I'm a waste of space. I'm tired of fighting.

There is something inherently unlikeable about me. Have tried to participate in this corner but most of them don't seem to like me. I get it, I don't like me. Thought I would try though.

No no no no.
You're not unlikeable, at least I don't think you are, for whatever that's worth. Your successful past can give you hope for the future, if you let it. You know what you are capable of, but you are being held back by other things. I have no good advice. But I'm thinking about you and I think you can get through all of this if you keep your eyes set on healing yourself...not on how you compare to your friends who may not even be able to imagine the stuff you've gone through.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful...I just could sit here and read your posts without saying anything.
Just know that you aren't alone in this. I know what it's like to feel like a failure when you know you once were capable of better things.
xoxo
*hugs*
Keep fighting.

D'Arcy

Spoke to the crisis team for the 2nd time tonight. They told me to call tomorrow. I don't think I can hang on til tomorrow. Not being dramatic. Just can't deal with this anymore. I'm sorry.

Oh sweetie, no there is nothing inherently unlikable about you *hugs*. For my part, I am sorry to say and apologise profusely, I am rather stuck in my own confusion at the moment... I am SO sorry.

Please take care, I know you can hold out till morning. Try and sleep, morning will come faster that way. *safe cuddles* Please please take care

I can't. I really can't. I told them. Going to go and walk to the tracks and wait and see. Can't fight this anymore. Really, honestly, I'm sorry.

No, you really can. I know it doesn't feel like it, believe me I know, but you can, you CAN. Please do...

I've tried. I've told them, I have but it's as if they don't believe me because I've called them.

Call someone else... go to hospital on your own... the cops maybe? Hun, you can do this, I am sure you can

I'm just a waste of space. Crisis team will call back in 1/2 hour but what difference is any of this going to make? Tired of trying. Sorry.

awwww babes try and keep your head up , your are clearly an amazing clever person , look how amazingly far you have got, getting into camibridge ,i cant even spell that, if u wana tlk u can add me on msn if u like , *huggles*

What happened with the crisis team?

I really understand. I could talk about the ghost towns we've seen on our trips. And then add how my obesity and asthma made it difficult to get around once there. How i'm so agoraphobic that my husband gets me settled into the motel room then brings dinner back. And did i meantion that i'm still chroncially underemployed?

Sorry about spamming your thread. I just so understand.

Thanks guys. Managed to speak to a couple of people at the crisis team who were actually of use and listened. They kept in touch until my night meds kicked in.

Today? Well, I feel so much better. I had a release somehow and it was without taking an OD or getting blind drunk (although did cut a little:ermm: ). I think it was by talking before it got to the point when I couldn't. Do you find when you get to that crisis point and then past it, something happens to ease things? No doubt it will build up to that point again but right now just thankful that you were all there last night.

well done for getting through it - and that's proof that you are a strong and intelligent person.

don't worry about comparing yourself to others (anyway, 90% of what people write in these things is good 'marketing' - you could write one about how the past year has been an amazing step forward in 'self-discovery that's opened your eyes to the inter-relationships of living beings', if you wanted to impress people)

A friend of mine went to Cambridge, and her Uni friends (perfectly nice people) are the most conformist, narrow minded bunch I have ever met. So your path through life is different - and that's a tough thing to do - but you are seeing things that they will never have the guts to face. You shoud be proud of yourself, not beating yourself up.

I really believe that things will get better for you - I say this from my own experience of being an academic high-flyer and then dropping out because of SH etc - and that what you've been through will take you in a direction that is right for you instead of just following the herd.

But I know that it's difficult in the meantime - please try to believe in yourself and keep yourself safe.

Take care - PM if you would like (I ususally only have internet access at work, and there is a time difference with the UK, so if I'm slow to answer it's because of that, not because I'm ignoring you or don't like you)

Hey, glad to hear things cleared up a little bit.
*hugs*

:-) You're probably right, could construct something. Hadn't thought of it like that.

Just need to find the strength now to get through the next 3 days at work. After that, I'm not back at work until early January.

I am glad they helped :) Well done for fighting it. I'm sure you can get through the next three days *hugs*

I often find that crisis sort of builds up, it peaks and I'm suicidal and quite frankly a mess, but if I can just hold on tight and get through it, the next day or the day after I'm a lot better.

Why not try it?! I will if you will!

*hugs* SO glad to hear you found some actual help hun :)

Well, someone called me from the cmht. She's one of the social workers that works with my cpn. She has arranged to see me at the centre on friday but do be honest I'm tired of trying and listening and talking. There isn't anything she can say that is going to pull me out of this low and my cpn is happy to keep saying that it comes in cycles but where the **** are the not **** times? At the same time, I'm desperate and willing to try anything. The problem is, I;ve been hanging on in there with my 3 day weeks at work and now I've finished for christmas, i just want to curl up and fade away. It has taken too much out of me. Sick of broken promises, other ideas which never materialise. Sick of everything being attributed to things in my past. I don't dwell on these things all the time and I can't understand how this can make me just feel so crap and low and...

It sounds like your CPN is not that amazing tbh but that doesn't mean you have to give up. It may take time to find the person you 'click with' so to speak and who you can open up to and let help you but it is possible. Someone will be able to help you understand what is going on. I think seeing this person on Friday is a good thing. Could you tell her some of the concerns you have just written about in your post?

Glad to see you are still fighting.

Emma x

Could you perhaps print out some of the stuff you've posted? I sometimes find it easier to talk about what I've written rather than have to explain everything when I'm 'on the spot' and talking to someone. But its good that you'll be seeing someone tomorrow.

can also understand how lost you can feel without work, even when work's exhausting... at least it's a distraction and a structure. Do you have any plans for Xmas?

Thanks!

Pomegranate - I sometimes wonder with all the cancellations, etc, whether they are testing me or something. It drives me up the wall. He is easy to talk to but is just so incredibly unreliable (although, admittedly it isn't always something can control). It feels like I keep fighting for no reason and that because I do keep fighting, they don't take me seriously. Yes, I still go into work, get my hair cut etc but that is because if I stop, that will be it. To them though I must be fine - argh.

Tokoloshe - I've thought about printing things in the past but worry that they are going to think that I shouldn't be on here. The thing is though, if it wasn't for me getting used to posting on here, I don't think I would have been able to start to be more open with them. I don't want them to be disapproving on a source of support that has been much more stable and reliable than theirs. The reason why I hang on in there with work is that I know that being at home alone instead would be dangerous. GOing to go to my mum's for christmas which is safer but also alot of pressure. They found out that things weren't exactly perfect a couple of months ago when the police found me. I feel now, that I have to pretend to be happy more than I did before. Sorry, that probably sounds silly.

I'm not going to have internet access when I go to stay at my mum's and I will be out of the area of my mh team. I'm a little scared that not going to be able to manage to behave or stay safe. So pathetic.

I don't think that's pathetic, it sounds like you're thinking ahead and making sure that you look after yourself, and that's great.

Do you think the MH team would disapprove of the site? I'm afraid I don't know (has anyone else tried?), but I'd have thought being part of a support group - whether virtual or real-world! - would be seen as a good thing to do? I remember reading a post a week or so ago where a new member said their Occ Therapist had given them the site details so they could get support...

I'm really glad to have some into this thread after the bad has passed because it makes it all the more clear that it does indeed pass.
"This too shall pass"

I know how horrid it can feel if you don't have that support with you when you need it the most. But you appear to have got that help at the last minute and it appears to have done you the world of good!

I'm sorry you're suffering so badly, I really am. And I wish I could help you better. What I will say is that I don't ever want to see you apologising for the way you feel, or feeling like you're not wanted here because it simply isn't true. I don't know you but you seem perfectly lovely to me.

Sometimes, as has been said before, we don't all meet the expectations we and others hold for us. But the path you're going down now is just as vital and important to your future as University was. And look what you acheived! It might not feel like much now because it won't help you get through the night. But you're incredible.
In the midst of the pain and the suffering, you came out with a degree and became a solicitor! My god, if that was the smallest part of one of my own posts I would be eternally greateful.
I should have been something, I'm now an Administrator for a maintenance company. Sure, I work in Westiminster City Hall but I work in the basement. To me, a stepping stone towards a management level career, to someone else a shitty little job for a shitty little company.
My path has taken me to hell and back. I've been through allsorts of hellish moments, hellish years in fact! But my god, I got married last weekend. My path took a swift upwards turn and I'm happier than I have ever been.

Not about me, but you see where I'm going with it?

You can be whatever you want to be, and whenever you want to be it.
You just have to trust that your path will too, lead you upwards.

Look after yoursellf, glad you're feeling better.
Iz x

Sorry, don't have the words to reply to your extremely kind responses. Need to cut tonight and will so deserve to be shunned. Society deems my suicidal plans as wrong but I can't understand that. Sorry!

you don't deserve to be shunned - so we won't shun you! no need to apologise either, we're all in the same situation. I hope you're safe and got through the night.

How did I hit that point again so quickly. Went to A&E last night after cutting before I did some real damage and took the OD that I was going to. Feel so pathetic but sometimes I just need to get away from the situation and I didn't want to end up being picked up by the police whilst wandering late at night etc. Why can't it just feel a little better? The psych (and the nurse or sw who first saw me) was as helpful as she could be - stayed with me til I was much calmer and has written chaser letters to my actual psych and my cpn, mainly to prod my cpn into sorting things as he said he would. The cut should probably have been stitched as the nurse who steri-stripped it couldn't get it to close properly. It took the psych asking them to close it though as they had "forgotten" that one of them needed sorting. I am sick of the A&E staff being so judgmental, do they not realise that it would have been so much easier to give into my plans and how difficult it is to stop yourself doing those things when at that point?

I'm glad you were able to get some help, even if the A&E staff were ill-informed... also that you were able to get yourself somewhere safe before doing anything serious - well done

I completely agree! *offers hugs* Keep on fighting. we're here for you and won't shun you.

Thanks. :crying:

i am sorry you are hurting so badly and it seems like everything is going wrong right now.

when i started college i was top of my class. my first semester i even had a 4.0 i was in clubs started a club and was popular. meanwhile in the privacy of my room i was having ed issues and i was also si'ing but it wasn't that bad. then i went to another school. things got out of control i went in the hospital but even then no one in my family understood the gravity of the situation. i ended up failing out of school. i then lived on my own for a year. then went to another school. i ended up in the hospital for the longest stay i have ever had and finally it seemed to get in everyone's head how sick i was. but i got through it and graduated with a degree in mathematics. i am now a teacher. and there are days when i am so low i seriously consider taking my life. but i don't and it gets better. i don't know why it gets better but it does. i expect that it is due to the fact that i realize that i actually can deal with my emotions and not explode or si or od. and just knowing that allows me to calm down.

i know it feels as though the crappy times are here to stay but they are not. it takes hard work. it is wearisome. it is tiring. it can be traumatic but it does get better. there may be times even during the good times when something hits you and you can not believe you are feeling so low. but it passes.

i am sorry that you feel that you cpn is unreliable. perhaps bringing this up may help the situation. maybe they are thinking you are healthier than you are and that the level of consistancy needed is lower than what you actually need. or it is possible because of past issues you feel as though the cpn is not being reliable and they actually are (i do not know you well enough or know enough about the situation to even try and make that discernment) i think that opening the dialogue to this issue is important.

please try to talk about how sick you feel at the moment and how low you are. od'ing or si'ing to make your point only puts you in a darker place.

i think that even copying and pasting your posts into word may be helpful to take along with you to your appt. and maybe ask how they feel about online support systems.

as for home for the holidays talk with your counselor's about an action plan. and write it down. make more than one copy. so that you do not even have to think about what you should be doing instead of what you want to do.

please try to be safe (((hugs))) and try to think about an action plan for your everyday life as well not just over the holidays. there is a distraction forum and list here. try to visit them (i do not know how to paste links)

sorry about being so longwinded but there was a lot to respond to

be safe

Thanks teenytineytori, I appreciate you taking the time to prepare such a substantial response!

I can't help feel as though nothing would change. I first sought help a year and a bit ago and had been feelling like this perhaps a year before that and have sh off and on since a young child. The only thing different from last year is that I am heavier and on meds that help me sleep. The latter is good but when I'm awake, nothing has changed. I fight and fight and nothing changes. I've not given in this time, I've continued to go to work, I get out of bed on a weekend, I even try and meet friends for coffee/dinner, I've started a maths degree as a method of distraction. It feels as though nothing will ever change.

I looked back last night at a letter I have been writing to one of my sisters this year. I am really close to her. I feel so **** in wanting to end it because I wouldn't want her to feel sad but I wouldn't expect anyone to keep going like this. She'd get over it soon enough.

I don't have support over christmas. My cpn was supposed to be back on Friday just gone but has extended his leave until Tues. I'm going to my mum's over christmas but can't manage a whole week of trying to look/be OK for her. It's in my head all the time, need it to end. Can't keep doing this. No-one to speak to during this time to let out what I am really feeling.

I realise what you mean re cpn and it is relevant as I have rather high standards expected of people but even my housemate has said he is the most unreliable person. The problem is, I had got used to speaking to him but now I can't be arsed as he is always cancelling etc. I don't know whether I should keep bothering. Think I'm just going to withdraw from the cpn stuff. As an example, at the beginning of June he suggested referring me out of area for psychotherapy and I agreed. It wasn't until a psych appt in October, despite me chasing others in his lengthy absence over the summer, that he found out what it was he needed to do to refer. At that point he told me to expect a questionnaire from the psychotherapy place within a couple of weeks. Still no questionnaire or any update from him. I'm supposed to see him on a weekly or 2 weekly basis but haven't seen him for 2 months. He was off virtually all of summer (due to leave but also, unfortuantely he was ill). He promises to call and then just doesn't. He cancels visits. He puts things in the wrong place in his diary. It is ****ing rubbish but b/c I am so desperate, I've tried to work with it. I can't do it anymore. A couple of months ago I managed to do OK whilst my housemate was away for a week. He saw this as a good thing whereas my own housemate saw it for what it was - me filling every single moment of the day, which clearly wasn't sustainable. He tells me "it goes in cycles" - what 1 busy/OK week and 51 weeks feeling like this? Is this acceptable? To him, it seems to be. Sorry, but so fed up of being left out on a limb. Why did I even bother asking for help?

i would try to speak to your cpn's supervisor and let them know about the crappy work ethic this person has because if he is doing this to you he is doing this to his other clients. I have had some really crappy therapists but each in their own way helped to get me to the healthy place i am in now. it helped me to stand up for myself, realize what i need, and ways to go about getting those things. i have had therapists and psychiatrists give me the wrong diagnosis forget they scheduled me an appointment, tell me about their problems and it sucked. but i did finally get a therapist that was understanding, professional, reliable and honestly the best thing that ever happen in my life. and the last time i saw her was some time in 2007 and there have been ups and downs but i have been able to deal with things in a healthy way without wanting to die all the time. and before that i could not see how that would ever happen. i wanted to end it. i believed that for some reason i was unable to be healthy and happy even with the good things that were going on in my life. had i given up during that time period i would not have been able to be living in this healthy time period of my life. yes it is possible that i could go to that dark place again but i know the warning signs now and i have realized what i need to do for myself to get and stay well. you can do this. and i know the feeling of wanting to put on a mask for everyone but i sometimes just say i am not feeling well i feel sick and i take a day to stay in bed and feel horrible and pity myself. i have an actual pity party. then i get it together the next day. i am a teacher and part of my job is to be happy and entertaining 8 hours a day. and sometimes i need that time to feel poorly. maybe if things get too intense at your mom's fake a migraine and hang out in your room then get up the next day feeling more refreshed. and if you are able to get in touch with your cpn's supervisor they may be able to get you a new cpn that will be available for a phone call if needed. also look online to find crisis numbers should you need serious support at some point. and get a distraction list together.

print out some suduko and crossword puzzles you can do at home, get instructions to oragami, find some exercises to do that work on an area you want to see get more fit, look up some recipes and offer to make dinner one night or at least a dish to include in dinner, etc

((hugs))

Thanks, will reply properly later. For now, just posting to keep myself busy and to prevent me from removing the other steri-strips, which I will regret later. Feeling on edge, nothing stops it, can't get the thoughts out of my head. Had a voicemail from my psych on Friday (after she had spoken to the duty psych I'd seen the night before). Had call from crisis team saying they won't be contacting me - told the hospital at night team that this would be the case but did they listen? No. Anyway crisis team told me that my cpn will call me on Tuesday when he gets back off leave. He was supposed to be back off leave friday just gone so don't know why suddenly not back til tomorrow. Don't know what to do. Need support but think I might just tell him to piss off (not quite in those terms). Should really go out for a walk, try and calm down but can't because the weather is that shitty mizzly rain - argh. Have that inexplicable rage boiling up within me, I can't contain it. Voices are mocking me, why the **** can't they leave me alone. Do they not know it is Christmas - arghhhhhhhh.

Sorry to keep posting like this, need to stay distracted.

No, it wouldn't be a good idea to start stockpiling for the new year. Yes it would, you know you are ****ing useless, you can't stop us from winning, why not listen to us, be sensible and put an end to it. Do you really want to keep doing this? You aren't as strong as us and day by day we get stronger, have you noticed that? We're getting louder and more frequent, not quieter. Nothing can be done about us.

I'm sorry your cpn is so unreliable - agree with teenytineytori that it might be worth speaking/writing to his boss? List the times he hasn't followed through on what he said...

Keep posting, and try to keep distracted. I know it's not much help but I am thinking of you. Hope it's better soon

Thanks for being patient with me. I've been too much of "me, me, me" the past few months :blush:

no problem - we've all had times we need more support... you deserve it!

Going to my mum's tomorrow until 02 January. No support, no outlet. Already feel trapped, suffocating. Hoping time around the kids will help distract me from the suicide thoughts and plans. Fingers crossed. Need to harm but not too much as get found out. Will start buying stuff for when get back in new year.

Thanks for putting up with me so much recently. Hope you all have a great Christmas. *hugs*

look after yourself...

Take care! *hugs*
Hope you have a great Christmas too!