My Confession *PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION*
 

*Todays blog entry*

In my blog entry of Tuesday, May 6, 2008 I mentioned that at the end of April I cut my wrist seriously enough to warrant a trip to the ER. In response to the inevitable
'Was this a suicide attempt?' question I called it 'an 'Oh ****' moment'; I was drunk and cutting and I accidentally went too deep. Despite the fact that I had cut a vein and that it needed to be tied off I managed (thank God) to avoid a hospital stay. I did not, however, avoid a safety plan but that did not last more than a day any way (it was supposed to last a week but I could not find the date the night it was given to me. Since neither my roommate/'babysitter' or I knew when the plan was to end I got my stuff back the next day).

The thing is, it was not an accident (huh, admitting it, even though it is to you all who are -mostly- unaware of my identity, made me teary there for a moment).

Was it a suicide attempt? No, at least, I do not think so. However, I knew I was going to hit it the vein, I could see it. And as I kept cutting it became obvious that hitting the vein was my intent (though maybe it was not obvious to me at the time).

Hitting that vein was not what I was setting out to do at the start. The wrist bleeds really well even if you do not hit a vein (I have been told that is the case any way and I had been pretty successful in the past). I wanted to bleed, pure and simple. The cut was actually not new that night but rather a cut I was going over again a few days after I had first cut it (remembering that it had bled well). I cut. I bled. I bled most satisfactorily really. After a time I told myself 'One more cut' (same spot just going deeper). After that cut I decided to allow myself one more cut. And one more after that. I am not sure when it was I noticed how close I was to cutting a vein. I am not sure how often I allowed myself 'one more cut'. I am sure that I did eventually notice the (later) offending vein and still I continued to cut. Just once more, just once more. I knew I would hit it if I kept going, I knew it, but I continued on none less. And to be completely honest I am not sure I would have stopped before I hit it. I think the reason I was allowing myself ‘one more cut’, the reason I did not stop was that I wanted to hit it.

Was I trying to kill myself? I do not think so, no. And yet my continuing to cut in spite of the knowledge that I would cut that vein if I did seems to say otherwise. However I promptly (and calmly) got a towel on my wrist and applied pressure, got myself clothed (I was in the bath), and called around until I found someone to take me to the hospital (I could have asked my roommate to take me as at the time I cut it she was still at the apartment but she was just leaving and… I did not want to tell her *shrug*) which suggests otherwise.

I do not know. I do not know what to do with this information. I am not sure I know how I feel about it. I just do not know.

But there it is.

*clings*

I think you will find that many of us here have walked that path with you, it is why this community exists, we know, we care, we support.

I know that you have to process the information for yourself, and I appreciate the glimpse inside that you have provided, my shoulder is here for you to lean on while you ponder and it is here to cry on when you hurt.

*HUGS*

What can you do but take it and process it? It is what it is. I don't know what to call what you're talking about...when you keep going because you can't stop but the end result wasn't planned from the beginning....but I know I've done it with cutting and with drugs.
All I want you to know is that while you process this and try to make sense of it, I'm thinking about you and hoping that you are able to turn it into something positive NOW.
This probably sounds cold and preachy...haven't finished my coffee yet. :)
*warm, decaffeinated hugs*

D'Arcy

I don't really know what words to offer, advice to give or how to comfort you....but....I understand. I really, really do understand what you mean.

*huggles*

Yeah i can relate to this.

Do you see cutting as a method of suicide for you?

For me its not. I know im risking my health cutting as deep as i do when i do but i know that regardless of how bad it is, its not a suicide attempt.

I do however, just like if i OD, always have this thought at the back of my mind that maybe i wont wake up and it will all be over.

If you dont see yourself dying this way then i would perhaps say that its not a suicide attempt but perhaps more "wishful thinking" and some calculated risk taking. Im not demeaning any thoughts, i just cant think of a better way to describe it.

Im learining slowly that although i think of death pretty much each day that some of those thoughts arent to end my own life but to end my illness. Could there be some truth in this for you? Are some of these thoughts about ending the illness and not necissarily your life?

What concerns me is why are you reviewing something that happened so long ago? Whats brought this on?

I hope you are okay. I hope you dont cut like that again.

Im sorry its so painful and i hope you can find the answers somewhere.

Matthew x

Hey there Jeff, I see you :-)

Oh Matthew, don't make me cry, lol
Yeah, cutting my wrist was my first chosen method of suicide... now it's gone from that to that (cutting my wrist) and ODing... just in case, you know.
And yeah, some of my thoughts of dying are rather like that... mostly so I do not think about it any more... an escape from the depression and the constant suicidal ideation.
As to why I was thinking about it... I do not know exactly... was thinking about that week in particular (that was a Saturday... the Monday before my therapy session lasted something like three hours because my therapist decided to call the county MHP (mental health professional) to come in and see if I should be in hospital :crying:)... Why I was thinking about that I do not know :notsure:.

Hello there ((deleted)). Huggles and 'i've been there's' are exactly right, thankyou :-)

*laughs till she falls at D'Arcy* lol oh I wish I had coffee... mom married a Morman so there's none in the house :-( Thanks luv, really. Though to be completely honest, I am not sure I want to process it any more :-(

*leans on her Uncle Jeffs shoulder* *sigh* Thanks Jeff, love you.

Love all y'all :-)

:crying:

I think I should have left well enough alone :crying:

I wasn't doing great to be honest before I came to the realization (or before I finally admitted it to myself) that cutting that vein wasn't an accident... and now I don't know what I am... teary... just plain awful mostly... and I want to go home (am at my moms for Thanksgiving and will not be going home till Saturday :crying:).

I... urgh, I just don't know...

Damn

*masssivveeee hugs* cos i dunno what to say

Honey, I lov eyou. *cuddles you tightly* You WILl gett rhough this. I know you will! *cuddles tightly*

I think sometimes when cutting a vein, we say it was an accident, and almost manage to convince ourselves that 'we didnt mean to', because it feels so shocking, and, well, wrong to think that we would have done that on purpose.

I understand thinking/considering about it quite a while afterwards-I do that all the time, mostly because at the time the incident takes place I am too emotional/scared/traumatised by it to be able to think constructively about it and move forward and learn from it.

I would say that the most important thing, when you are thinking about this incident, is to ensure you do not get too bogged down in the emotion from it, and to think constructively.

OKay, I'm rambling.

*huggles again*

Now!!! There is only now! All efforts into the now please!

Thanks y'all.

lol Matthew, you sound like my last therapist who kept preaching mindfulness at me. Problem is that I dwell on things, seriously, I just do. And, um :blush: it does not help that I, uh, :whistle: have my therapy chart and, well :blink:(who me?) read it every once in a while:pinch:
I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!! How stupid am I?! WTF, am I TRYING to make myself worse?!
*bangs head into wall and wishes for her blade*
Damnit

*places cushion against wall to protect your head*

I wish I had great comforting words for you, it does sound like you are in the mind set that many of us experience, digging for reasons to kick yourself, reasons that you are unworthy. I can tell you that you are worth a great deal to me, and I can tell you that I am here for you. Please take care of you.

*HUGS*

You ARE NOT stupid Ally *pulls away from wall and hugs you tight*. You are amazing! I don't think you are conciously trying to make yourself worse. I think you are just too inquisitive. Try and stay away from the chart etc though. You are doing really well hun and I'm really proud of you. I am sorry I have been so crap at supporting you recently, but you know my PM box etc is always open.

Awww:crying:Thanks Jeff and Emma. No, Emma, you haven't been bad at supporting me, don't ever think that.

Seems to me though that I am just being a stupid attention seeker is all :crying:. Which I hate, I might add.*sigh*

You are not being an attention seeker hun. That is your depression making you think all negative. Asking for support is very different from asking for attention. Besides, we care about you and WANT to help if we can. Keep posting if it helps but please try and take care of yourself xx

You are not being an attention seeker, you are our friend and it is okay for you to talk to us. Post more, we are here for you.

*brushes off shoulder in preparation for the leaning*

*leans on Jeffs shoulder and wishes to cry*

But maybe I am working my way up to 'need' help, like, crisis mode, so that I can get attention, not from y'all necessarily but... :blink:

I suck. But that's OK.

Hey. Sometimes you need it. So ask for it. No shame.

*big hugs*

... but I'm pretty sure I do not need it :pinch:. Just trying to get attention. How dumb is that.

Emma, my lovely across the pond drinking buddy, join me tonight? A bottle of wine or two and I should be good to go... *sigh*

I really do suck (not fishing for 'no you don't!' and the like btw, do not feel obligated, I'm just being silly:-()

ilove you. please look afte ryou.

I love you God-mommy!!! <3
YOU DON'T SUCK!!!!!

PM'd you Allykins *hugs*. But I just wanted to reiterate that I care a lot about you. Please try and keep safe xx

Ally, so that there is no misunderstanding, let me try to explain:

1 month or 1 week or 1 day or 1 minute or even 1 second since you last chose to SI does not change how I feel about you. I care, and I don't want you to hurt anymore. You do not suck, you are my favoritest niece and you cannot undo that. So just rest your head on my shoulder, know that I am here for you no matter what.

I love you. I' sorry you hurt. Please don't :(

*snuggles up to her uncle Jeff*

thanks guys.

i do not have any more, i am sorry but please know it means a lot.

*clings and cuddles*

:( missing you muchly Ally. I hope you are alright. Is there any way you could see someone to try and get some help? I am worried about you.

*hugs you*

I am sorry your going through bad times right now. I sort of understand because I had the same thought a couple of times before OD's. I have done them with the thought that they would give me relief for a while at least and delay the hurt. I know that sounds really weak. But in doing so, I knew the consequences could possibly be fatal but really didn't care at the time. I don't class this as a genuine suicide attempt because that was not my original plan. I guess it could be similar to the way you have cut.

Please seek some help and if you are feeling the urge to do it again, please take yourself to hospital because the next time you do it could have serious consequences. There are people here that do care if you live or die even though there might be times when you don't.

Please be safe.


Nathan

*hugs all*

Thanks guys, I'm alright. At my moms so no blades or alcohol or the like which is probably a good thing

Mmm, Emma I cannot think of somewhere I could go... and to be honest I do not want to do in anywhere... I am so tired of it all... and I am especially tired of having to tell folks about it, having just one more person know... feeling ashamed and pathetic :crying: (I know I should not but I cannot help it)...

Oh Ally, sweetie, I understand, really...I do, you have no idea how much I get what you mean. But please, please be careful. It may be selfish of me, but I care so much about you that I would hate anything to happen to you. You were doing so much better, you are so strong and you CAN fight this. I love you, I wish you had the same faith in yourself that I and others have in you. Talk to us, let us help. What is going on with you sweetie? Why are you feeling so destructive? *hugs* xxxxx

*cuddles ally*

plz try and stay safe there xxx

*hugs*

I am sorry that you are hurting so much Ally. I know we don't really know each other, but if you ever need to talk please pm me.

Take care.

ravynsoul, thanks hun, for the offer. lol, Ask Emma, I do not PM much... I think it is part of my not wanting to bother folks... I tend to take it a little overboard.

*cuddles up to Emma*
Oh Emma, I love you too. I am sorry. I do not really know what is going on. I cannot explain it, I do not understand it... It's like... well, like I do not feel like there is anything as far as the future goes. And that is SO different from what my life had been before. This last major depressive episode really did a number on me... kind of left me like, mostly a shell. The prospect of not having a future, of there being nothing there, does not usually effect me emotionally... it is more intellectual and I cannot deal with it. It kills me to think that life will just be, that I will have to live like this (whatever it is) for so many more years yet. I hate it. I do not want it. I do not want an empty future. I do not want to be an empty shell. Problem is is that I also am not feeling able to do anything about it as I cannot off myself for some unknown, unfair reason :pinch:

And so I am stuck :crying:

Ah well, tomorrow I will be at home and there is still some vodka in my freezer, I am looking forward to that.

I understand how a major spell can take it out of you. When I have had one, I always feel somewhat empty afterwards and like everything I had planned to do is somewhat insignificant or something. But the shell can be refilled hun, with new dreams, ambitions etc. Unfortunately, I have not figured out how yet (and have posted similar things to your last post recently :P) but I hope it is possible. I think you are strong enough to fight this and get through it and that is why you 'cannot offyourself'. I know it is hard (and this is slightly hypocritical) but please try and take care of yourself. We both know drinking etc won't help. *hugs* xxx

I don't know... Really, I know nothing. There is nothing of substance in my head right now... kind of crazy :blink:

But Emma, you're right about one thing... alcohol REALLY doesn't help... especially when you drink as much as I did the other night as fast as I did :ermm:

Anyway I am not sure I care anymore :indifferent: