Why? Need hugs, please. Getting too much *also abuse trig*
 

Sorry, I haven't been around much recently. I went back to work again a few weeks back and am on a phased return. I had been given something to help me sleep by my GP for a week aswell so actually got some sleep. It's a shame I can't get more of it as sleep is really c**p again.

Well, I feel really stupid as I finally kinda spilled a few of the things going on in my head to my CPN last week. I feel like such a fool. I'm sure he's sat there thinking yeah and well that makes you do what you do. People deal with way more than I do. However, apparently, after telling him just a couple of the things my dad used to do he said that it helps him understand a little as to why I sh as I have suffered a trauma and was emotionally abused. I think that he was overreacting and goodness knows what he would think about my dad if I told him other things but now I feel guilty for betraying my dad further - he always accused me of betraying him and now I am doing so more. Sorry, that prob doesn't make much sense.,

Anyway, I get so frustrated as I'm supposed to be getting some new meds to help with the agitation etc to help reduce my sh but now apparently I have to see the psych again who can't stand me. My CPN forgot to ask about an appt a couple of weeks ago and made a note again last week. I still haven't had a letter through re an appt. I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth at the moment. Do they care or perhaps it's because they know I'm just a loser who has no reason for what they are doing.

To top it off, my sister was dragged out of her house by her husband and then thrown out of a moving (stolen) car by him - broken arm and breastbone, wrecked foot, messed up face including an eye which is missing 2/3 of eyelid. She is so scared and she has finally called the police. I told her that I was under the mh services to help her feel less weak about the whole situation and persuade her to speak to the police. I feel so scare and angry for her and keep having horrific nightmares about it. I really hope he pays for this. He also assaulted a random guy in the street and is being done for sotlen car and driving without a licence but he needs to pay for what he did to my sister. Feel dead guilty that I had turned a blind eye to their somewhat explosive relationship - apparently the police have been involved many times before. Am I that unapproachable that she couldn't tell me.

Sorry for the long rant just feel so on edge and vulnerable and triggered right now. The world is so s**t and everything hurts.

i just wanted to let you know that i've read it and i'm thinking fof you *hugs you tight*

i have to agree..."everything hurts".
but only for right now.
thats all i got hunni.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

But it's not "just for now" is it? It's hurt for so long and I've tried to ignore it but no longer can.

Feel so mad with myself that I am drunk again. I've been trying really hard recently not to get in this state but if I don't I'll just end up cutting or taking an OD and people really need me right now.

Just a stupid, pathetic, selfish cow.

Also, whilst I am drunk and splurging when I shouldn't, how do I tell my CPN about all the other **** that has occurred to me eg my boyfriend when I was 20 who f**ked with my head. Pathetic. The common factor in all these situations through my life is me. I ask for it, don't I. I'm a failure and useless and pathetic. How much longer do I have to fight this?

F**k it, "me, me me". I just need to shred myself to bits. So what that I've made a (fairly) succesful attempt to get back to work. I'm worth nothing. I just need to cut and hurt myself. Maybe drink so much that I poison myself to death, it's fairly easy, so I hear.

If you can go to work, you're doing so much better than I am. I work from home, it is just so much easier.

*makes sure there is sports drink available for you for your hangover*

At work I am this great trainee that no-one seems to have experienced before but inside I am scared to death and just want to give up. Want to cut so much tonight as I've spent all week resolving problems at work that others seem incapable of doing yet at the same time, I don't understand how people relate and I am trying to learn from what I see.

Sorry, I rant again. Such a loser. Just trying to stay safe and away from another section. If it happens again, I won't fight it, but will just give in. I'm such a failure. Some people don't belong in the world and I reckon I am one of them. It sounds drastic to some but taking a logical standpoint, it isn't.

then you're brave. you're scared and you're doing it anyways. i'm proud to know you. *hugs*

I understand. I've always felt like an odd ball. I can work well enough, but just don't get along well with others. I'm not a team player.

Thank you so much. If you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.

The crisis team have changed their number. Is it because of me? They reckon if I think that, I am paranoid but I'm not, they have joined the rest against me, I'm useless and they are trying to get rid of me - they are plotting against me. Help me before they all take me away. Please!!!!!!!!!1

F**k it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not meant to be.

*cuddles you*

*trying to drink sports drink handed to her by blondie last night*

Don't know what happened. Ended up in A&E and had to see the mh team. They said no signs of mental illness - I tried to tell them that I didn't want to see them and I know I am not ill but needed someone to make sure he wasn't following me and stop him from hurting her again - they said he wasn't there - they think I was making it up. He wasn't there when I left the hospital but he was there earlier - he was telling me he had to stay with me otherwise he would do more terrible things. He can't have been there though, can he? He doesn't even live anywhere near and he doesn't know where I live. I'm so stupid. I swear it felt real though although looking back it can't have been. Was it just the drink. Was I actually just sleeping? I've had these nightmares all week. Maybe it was just another one.

*hugs* sorry to hear things have been so horrendous wish there was something i could say but i am thinking of you xx

*cuddles and pets* i'nm sorry i have nothing else to offer. just want you to knwo i'm thinkign of you@

Hey guys

Thanks for the support/hugs and sorry for the drunken posts the other night :blush:

I suppose the stupidity of it all has hit today now that I have recovered from a mammoth hangover.

They're going to pass on details re A&E to my CPN, hoping it will be lost by the time he gets back from holiday in a week or so. So embarrassed. It can't have been real and I must have looked so pathetic and hysterical. I really wish I hadn't opened up to him the other week because that combined with my hysteria is just really dumb and pathetic. Maybe I just need to get on with things by myself.

I had been doing so well with the whole not drinking and not cutting badly enough to need A&E. It's all wasted now (bit of irony there) and I'm back to the beginning. I didn't know how else to relieve it all. I just need to accept that I am a loser and my efforts are always just going to be a waste.

:-D Oh by the way, my sister finally spoke to the police yesterday. Something good at last. I really hope she carries on through the process.

not wasted. you now have a goal to beat. *nods*.

gld ur sister talked to the police.

*cuddles*

If you are making the effort then it is not a waste because you are trying. You will get there *hugs*

Hey Alive/Irkenvader

I know that my CPN would say, well this time it's been 2 & 1/2 weeks since you were last in A&E because of drink/sh, etc. It's pathetic really though. In addition, in order to achieve this, I was cutting more often but trying to reduce the severity. My arm is a mess. I had (and now am again) been on edge for the entire time. Around 2 weeks seems to be my limit. What is the point? I tried going for a run (well, very short jog) this evening. I tried getting back into running again a few months ago but it made no difference. I just feel as though I am fighting a losing battle. How long do I have to have fought before they realise that I'm not ill, just a defective person who doesn't belong in the world, a mistake. Why did I even ask for help? I've been pretty bad at co-operating with them but I have been trying harder recently...still no change. I'm tired of the c**p sleep or lack of sleep. I'd like to see those judgmental jumped up A&E staff live my life for a week and see what it's like not being able to escape from the stuff in your head - give me a broken leg or something anyday. To me, that is less pain and more manageable but to them it is deserving of more respect. I don't want to be like this, I've tried not to be, I wish they would just realise that I am so sorry and ashamed when I end up in hospital but that doesn't give them the right to poke fun at me or treat me like s**t. Only in work in the afternoon tomorrow so at least I don't have to go in and pretend for a whole day.

Sorry to keep rambling like this (and this time it's without having even been drinking).

you jknow i'm glad that you can 'ramble' without drinking. It's important to be able to talk (even if it's just online) without having to be drunk.

you're not defective. you're unwell. you DESERVE help and sadly lots of peple are off the mind 'if you can't see it, then it's nt there'. So i understandw hat you mean... 'live a week in my shoes' stupido! they couldn't. but i dont' think i could and i know what you're going through!

instead of going straight into a jog, go for a walk. Just a short one. End of your street and back. Build up until you get a rythm. don't rush into anything adn odn't expect it to make you feel great straight away. nothing works like that.

*cuddles*

Hi

Thanks for your reply. It means alot that someone has taken the time not only to read my rambling thoughts but to reply with some useful tips!

I'm not sure I am unwell as the sh itself doesn't mean I am unwell. I'm on anti-depressants but they don't seem to have made a difference (neither did the others) or suppose they have in a way as at least I am able to go to work again. My psych has suggested putting me on something called quetiapine to help reduce the agitation etc and my self harm. However, I have to wait for an appt to see her in order to do this and this was suggested about a month ago. Goodness knows when the appt through and ow long after that it will be. Got a call from another CPN today as mine is away and I asked her when I am likely to get a letter notifying of an appt, she was going to check the system and call back in a few mins. Guess what, no call back. I reckon my CPN forgot as he often seems to forget. I had been holding on and willing to give the new med a go but I'm not sure I can hang on for another month or so for an appt. My psych can't stand me so perhaps she doesn't want to see me at all. She thinks I am a timewaster, nothing wrong with me, etc.

Oops, not very good at the whole building things up re running again. Went for a run but for only 11 minutes as I can't seem to hold myself back and run slowly as I get so frustrated and am used to running better than this.

Hmm, I detect a bit of a theme here - impatience, I want everrything to be sorted now : )

Thanks again for your reply

I made it through the week but for how much longer can I keep doing this. Really want to give in but I can't this weekend as I am collecting my younger (13 year old) sister and looking after her.

Sorry to be so repetitive and whiney but honestly, does anyone know when/how to recognise if I am just a freak and need to stop fighting. I can't do this indefinitely.

You're not a freak. I believe that SI is a symptom of what is going on inside us. The depression, pain, wish to escape, desire to feel something.

I agree with the idea of walking. Maybe also make sure you feel every part of your body, think about how the walking feels.

For me what also helps is hand work. I embroider and crochet. Crocheting means that my hands work frantically instead of my whole body, but it really does help. Drawing, cooking, cleaning. It all helps to work off the nervous energy and work out the feelings.

You are not a freak. You are worth taking care of.

Thanks Blondie for the suggestions. I don't mean to be ungrateful but I really am seriously considering whether people place to much emphasis on carrying on when I am blatantly defective as a person. If I had this many physical defects I prob wouldn't have survived, so why do people expect me to struggle on being a defective person? It's Sunday night, I have to fight through another week? I don't get it. Surely, fighting like this is fihgting against what should actually happen/occur. Sorry, I'm rambling yet again.

Feel on edge in a way I can't explain. I know what will help it and don't think I want to fight it. Found out today that an appt with my psych still hasn't been arranged/requested after 4 weeks and I know that when/if I get an appt it will be for a date quite a while off. She knows what she wants to prescribe but won't do it by just calling my GP (the crisis team dr has done this before and she was going to initially). Apparently, it will help with the agitation/impulsiveness etc. False promises. Sick of hanging on for the next thing that's supposed to help but doesn't end up changing anything. Just so fed up of trying. So fed up of not sleeping properly, fighting the urge to drink myself into oblivion, fighting the urge not to OD, fighting the urge not to slash myself. Pathetic and worthless, nothing wrong except you're defective. Nightmares that I can't distinguish from reality. It seems to be getting worse but I know they don't believe me, none of them can stand me.

*cuddles honey I wish I could help you mroe than just leaving a hug. But KEEP fighting! You CAN and WILl get through this. *hugs*

One (generous home measure) drink down, do I keep going? If I don't, I'll end up cutting, if I do maybe I'll have the guts to finally finish it.

don't finish it :( i'd rather you cut a little then died alot (it's my saying right now).... please... keep fighting sweetheart

You are not a loser. It is just that sometimes it takes an incredible amount of work.

I was supposed to have a visit from my CPN today but he thought I had cancelled - no I didn't, I re-arranged work especially so that I could make it, I just wanted him to confirm he was still coming as he sometimes re-arranges at the last minute. I'm hanging on and they don't give a toss. My psych is apparently on leave for a couple of weeks so nothing can be done re appt. In the past when I've felt like this I've shouted out, told somebody but this time, I'm not going to. This time, I'm seriously thinking of packing life in. I know I sound so whingy and pathetic but I feel like I'm crashing and don't have the energy to pick myself up and try again. I've spent all my life trying to be responsible and stay in control, driivng on regardless. I've quite simply had enough. Why am I even bothering posting?

Sorry to keep posting but I am trying to distract myself.

My sister is spending her first night back in her house since her husband trashed it and tried to kill her. She only has 10p credit left on her 'phone. I'm so worried for her. I hope she doesn't have a panic attack again as I know how scary that can be. I don't know where her husband is really but I can hear his voice in my head again - I know it's just some kind of hysterical reaction and not real but it's still hard to try and ignore it.

can you go stay with yoru sister? with two of you it might be better??? *cuddles*

I would love to stay with her but she lives a little way away and I didn't know she was going to be trying to stay at her house so soon. I can't get there now and I can't get to work from her house - selfish, I know but it has taken weeks to get back to where I am at work. I was thinking that perhaps I could stay over at the weekend. She told me that she needs to face it herself at some point and I kind of understand that. I've told her she can one bell me (so as not to use credit) if she needs to talk anytime during the night. I just wish he would get out of my head. I'm used to hearing people say things in my head that they have said to me in the past - if that makes sense - but not used to this random taunting of someone who I know isn't here with me but I can hear inside me.

Sounds like a right f*cking prat... I hope someone kicks his ass >.<

It'd be good if yo could stay the weekend? Gives her a couple of days to face herself and i'm sure by then she'll enjoy the company :-)

It took a lot of people to try and persuade my brother not to kick the s**t out of him - it would have only gotten him in trouble and he has a family to look out for of his own. It is going to take alot of courage for my sister though to follow through with the police - hope justice is done. It still makes me feel sick and my skin crawl thinking of what he did to her.

I'm not sure I can face her very easily. It's OK to speak on the 'phone but when she was really scared and struggling etc the other week (including experiencing panic), I told her I was under the care of mental health services - but not why.

I know I will stay though if she will let me. It's so hard to try and keep it together to help other people at the moment especially with him in my head taunting me and threatening me/her.

I don't know where her hsuband is at the moment - hoping he is locked up on remand as he had also stolen a car, driven with no licence, assaulted another guy and was on something at the time. I don't like to push her for details on this. What if he is near to her and not in my head. I'm afraid for her. Not sure how much more punishment I can inflict on my arm.

maybe what you both need is to sit down with each other and cry? *cuddles* i don't know really... i hope she goes through with the police!!!!

I really wish she would cry and let me hug her. I know she needs to let it out. She still loves him and I can't understand that but she is acting so brave and strong. I have a feeling we are rather alike really despite being so different - we both put on this face and would rather fall to pieces in private and slowly self-destruct but I don't want that for her!

Thanks for all your replies Jess. I'm sorry to keep whining on.

It's hard.... so many people keep going back! *cuddles* It's a strength (and stubborn) thing that you put on a big face of 'i'm fine' when inside you're crumbling to little pieces. Can you talk to her about it? I'm not srue.

It's okay, you're not whining!

I would love nothing more than being to tell her but I need to stay strong for her at the moment and maybe think about telling her in the future. The problem is, if you tell something to someone, someone else will find out and so on. I just want to hold her tight and keep her safe.

When my mum left, my sister left to live with a friend shortly after (but we have been in good contact for years now). I didn't know why she left as although I remember alot of s**t from when I was young, I don't remember this. A good family friend told me that she left because it was breaking her heart listening and comforting me (Age 8) and my younger sister (age 2) cry ourselves to sleep at night. She did that for me then and now I want to help her in exactly the same way. They all think I am weird and don't understand me but she is the least judgmental. When I told her re mh services the other week she just said that I was only human and that it was nothing to be ashamed of and that she wasn't going to tell anyone.

Sorry, part of my rambling is due to everything in my head moving so fast, I don't know how to slow it down and there feels as though there is too much in there.

I don't know what to say really! Just want you to know i'm still reading and thinking o you! 8cuddles*

Thank you.

I hope people don't mind my constant ranting. Trust me, there's a whole lot more scary stuff in my head right now.

I think I have slowly given up control of my mind and other things are taking over - the depression, bad thoughts etc, too tired to keep going. Don't understand why I should.

Well I don't mind :) *pets*

You keep going becasue that's what we do. We keep going... almost to spite that bad feelings... like to say to them "event hough you're hurting me.... i'm gonna keep going to piss you off"

I really don't want to keep going this time. It's low key but more real. Sorry, that sounds really stupid.

but you're still going.... *hugs* you can get past this honey

Do I really want to? I know they all hate me. I am feeling the depression become worse again but they don't believe me really, do they.

About 6 weeks ago when I was in A&E after being found unconscious (through drink) in the road, I was sobering up and heard the head nurse of the Crisis Team talking to an A&E nurse, he said:

"Some of them you get on with, others you find irritating, she's one of them".

See, even someone whose job it is to deal with awkward people like me cannot stand me. They just don't get me and I don't get life. I'm a mistake and have fought for long enough.

heeeey, some nurses suck ass. i've had good and bad ones... it goes with the territory! and when you've been doing something for a while... well sometimes it gets on top of you. *cuddles* never take what people in emergency situations say to heart... becasue it could mean anything! *cuddles*

I'm finding that I'm in that stage where I am around people and listening to the conversations etc but at the same time I am within my head as if I am watching. Sorry, that sounds stupid.

Re-arranged visit from CPN for next Fri but when I got off the 'phone, it hit me - why do I even need to see him? It's not as if anything has changed. In a way, it's just false hope. If anything, each time I fall, it takes longer to get up and I feel less able and want to less. Again, that prob sounds stupid.

I was walking to collect some packages from the Post Office the other evening. To get there, you have to go across a level crossing. As soon as I saw it in the distance I had to fight the thoughts telling me that I should just get on and do it - go on the track when the barriers are down and be squished by a passing train.

I am cutting more frequently again and am have urges to OD.

I wanted to try but now can't. I have no energy, no will. I'm wthdrawing into my head which is becoming noisier and noisier.

Sorry, another random rant and without alcohol (or rather, without copius amounts).

They're shouting and fighting and throwing things etc next door. All I can think of is my sister and what she must have gone through the other week. The panic is rising. I can usually control it but have had a couple of full blown panic attacks recently (before that, I hadn't had a proper one since November as I can usually nip them in the bud early). What if my sister's husband goes back to her house to "finish her off" as he has said? I should be there to protect her but can't get there tonight. What if he comes back to me in the night again? I know he isn't really here but he looks real and talks to me.

Not another night like this, please. I don't want this. It reminds me of the fear from when I was younger.