"Imagine a miracle has happened...
 

...and you wake up in the morning to find that all your negative feelings, all your abadonment, depression, sadness, has disappeared. Tell me how you are feeling, what you want to do, what you're thinking?"


*stares blankly*

i cant imagine...

*squishes erin until she is squished out* honey, you WILL get to that point. Maybe. or maybe there will always be a lingering feeling.... like that yucky taste that lingers in the back of your throat after you've.... drunk cough medicine... What did you think i was going to say? I know you can get past this sweetheart! *hugs tight*

*flashes*

Jess

there will be a day where you will find that happiness!!! that peace! someday you will feel it! ::hugs:: I was there once but i took a turn for the worst and now i cant imagine getting back there! ::hugs:: remember you did have a time in your life were you were happy but deppression toys with your emotions!

Dear groovy aunt Erin, I wish I knew how to help. But until you get there, I'll do my best to help you out and to be a shoulder you can lean on or cry on.

*snuggles tight*
sorry....no words.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I know this will sound contrite but I do not remember a time in my life that has been free of it all. There was a time it was so far at the back of my mind I felt as though I might be able to pull away, however, even then, it was there. I started life out on the wrong foot, and I can't help but stumble.

She asked me this question. I have never been asked a more difficult question in my life.

Difficult questions have difficult answers... though sometimes the answers are simple. You felt like that once. You will feel like that again. *cuddles tight*

In therapy you need challenging questions. If you sit there in the bubble of comfort you dont move on or forward. An unchallenging and "soft" therapist allows us to dictate just how much we reveal and hide and ultimately lets us go no where.

Im glad she is challenging you. YOU NEED IT!

20 years unchallenged. 20 years of these feelings being born and bread and fed, but never challenged and reasoned and banished.

2 sessions and you think you can answer a question like that right away? Pah!

Good on your therapist. I hope she makes you struggle to find answers. I hope she makes you cry and feel angry and pain and all kinds of things that you have suppressed the whole of your life. I hope she will allow you to learn to release outwardly instead of inwardly.

You have a brain and its time that brain was set difficult questions. Its about time that brain wasnt allowed to hide under Vodka and sleeping pills and drugs. Its about time that brain wasnt allowed to just pull a sweet face and change subject and dictate.

I like your therapist already. You may have noticed that. I have a good feeling about her.

so what do you do?

Old Erin = Find question too hard and assume she has failed and therefore is a failure for not answering and therefore assume there is no point in trying cus you are going to fail anyway and spend another 20 years slowly dying.

New Erin = I havent a ****ing clue what the answer is, but now there is a seed inside of me that is willing to try hard to find out. With time perhaps the answer will come. I have proven to myself that when i set my mind to something i can make it happen.


SO set your mind to accepting that this cant be answered in one simple session. Set your mind to finding the answers. Their aint just one. Its going to be a mixture of alot of things. You can do it. she knows you can too. She will also know that you aint gonna be able to do it in 2 sessions you twit! :P

Matthew xxx

Hard questions can make you feel uncomfortable, but they also make you realise things. Erin this is a turning point for you hun, dont fight it, even though it i hard. you will get a lot of benefit from it.

There is this girl at work. She is doing temp work with us. She seemed really upset on Friday in the morning, and I told her "Honey, if you need anything at all, you know where my desk is"

At about eleven she came over to my desk, bawling her eyes out "Please, i need to talk to someone"

I took her out side and we sat down on the ground. She was so amazingly upset, and kept crying and crying. She felt so hopeless, felt like nothing would help. She had nothing, noone liked her, her own family doesn't even like her, things will never get better "I just want to die"

I couldn't help myself when she said that. I just said "No, you don't" I know that seems like a very wrong thing to say, but I just panicked, like I always do when someone is feeling suicidal, but I'm such a hypocrite.

I talked to her, told her that counselling would help. She said she was on AD that helped alot, but then she panicked that she would be on them forever, so went off them. I explained that they are just a crutch, like when you have a broken leg. The crutch just helps you along while the leg heals. I encouraged her to re-connect with her friends. She really needs friends right now. That seemed to sink in cause she ended up going and having lunch with a friend and came back much better. I checked up on her for the rest of the day, and made sure she had my mobile number just in case she needed someone to talk to or see.


I did a good thing. I really helped her. But I don't understand, why has this left me feeling so hollow?

you probably feel hollow because you want someone to be able to do the same thing for you.
Erin you did a lovely thing. But that dosnt make you unsavable. Getting help is dficult and you have to fight to get better. But the fight will be so worth it in the end. Anything worth doing is difficult.

*hugs you* I don't have many words of wisdom for you, everyone seems to have said such wise things already! Just try to remember that you deserve to be happy and you will get there eventually. Take care hun

what would you say to yourself erin?

nothing nice. hah. "wake the **** up you whingy little twit and sort your life out. youve got nothing to be all mopey about, youre just an attention whore. so get off your arse and get it all sorted and stop wallowing in this pathetic self pity"

something like that?

well - i came in to see how you were but i really don't know how to respond to what you would say to yourself. My best advice would be to listen to the opposite - you really are being hard on yourself.
You know, you were so good for that girl at work - it would be so nice if someone could do that for you, it's what you deserve. Sorry this isn't a very good response but I just wanted you to know I care.

This is a very silly thread. Sorry.

And yeah, it would be nice, except I dont let people help me. I have issues with even talking to people let alone accepting help. Maybe that was why I felt so hollow. In a way, I wish I could collapse and break down to someone and just have them be there for me when I need someone the most.

*leaves you some hugs and ice cream*

Why do you think i have the words "dont do as i do, do as i say" in my signature? I have them so that people dont end up like me!

Erin, you carry on like this and you will be where i am. Completely alienated from all your friends. No more contact, no more texts, no cards, nothing.

Is that what you really want?

i dont know what i want. sometimes i think i want one thing, then i wont, or another completely different thing then freak out cause how could anyone want that.

meh, this is a really silly and pointless thread

I understand that completely - i've wanted to do that so many times but i can't let myself - i often wonder if that makes me a strong person - by holding it together in front of others or a weak person coz i'm not strong enough to cope with others knowing how I am feeling. And it's when i need people the most - that's when i push them away more.
If you could just manage to let one person know (someone that you trust and you haven't managed to share with) it would be such a huge stepping stone for you, It is OK to be vulnerable and to ask for help - there are people out there who will care about you and maybe be able to help - on a day to day basis.
I really hope that you can find the courage to share with someone new in the not too distant future - the more you let out the more room you have inside to deal with everything else. xxx

It is so silly how the mind works. I have had so many people who are probably trying to be nothing but really sweet to me say "You are so strong to have gone through what you have done, but keep on going, etc" and every time someone says this, it hardens my resolve to live up to that image, at least in the public eye. "You're so strong" but you dont see what I do alone... the scars i wear, the pills i take, the drink i pour down my welcoming throat. I seem so strong, but inside I feel like this lost and lonely little girl, wide eyed and scared with no idea of how to find her way or what she has to do.

fighting what? every day i just trudge along, doing nothing great, nothing spectacular, and every evening i sit here and feel miserable, do something bad, sleep, wake up, and go through the whole process again. its pathetic really.

sorry, i would never usually make a support thread. ill make it go away soon, i promise.

[quote=Crazy Rabbit Lady;850516]It's good you did make a thread, the only one that has a problem with it is you.
]
:thumbup:

Erin hun uv as much right as anyone else on this site to ask for help and support! The sit is there for ALL MEMBERS whether they be MODS, SUPPORTERS,HEADS OF DEPARTMENT VETERAN MEMBERS OR SOMEBODY IN THE DOOR 5 MINS AGO!

I don't want to get to personal into the therapy side because i don't know enough of what has happened, but i do know that every minute u help someone, every minute u cheer someone up ur making life worth living for them again and that is NO MEAN FEAT!

So the evidence is there, u do GOOD! It's irrefutable! How many folks in this world couldn't give a F***in hoot about anyone apart from themselves???

Look at what u do and what u say and ull maybey find that ur a hell of a lot better person than u think ur, uv just got to start believing it!!!

Best Wishes,

Craig xx

*hugs you* I have no wise words, I'm sorry. But if you ever need a friendly ear, you're welcome to talk to me. I know we don't really know each other but if you find it hard to talk to people who know you, you're welcome to PM me for an impartial ear. You deserve to be happy hun, you just need to let yourself believe that

Being strong isnt about pushing emotions aside and putting on a brave face. Thats called acting. Thats not strength.

Being strong is reaching out and more importantly accepting the help offered. Swallowing every morsel of foolish pride and mock dignity and accepting that we cant do this alone.

Thats being strong.

Erin,
im so glad that you have asked for support.
you support everyone else so well....now its YOUR turn. please accept the support given to you. it is hard to ask for....and thats what makes it courageous. i dont have anything to offer....but there are many wise folks around here. i just wanted to say please take care of you. and please throw me a PM if you ever want to. i think youre an awesome person girly. and im so sorry you feel down.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

i don't know what to do. its still a couple of weeks until my second therapy appointment. hopefully they will get more regular once i have a mental health care plan.

i cant stop remembering. i try, so hard, cause some of my memories are just too horrific to deal with.

i dreamt last night that my boyfriends best friend blamed me and how miserable i am for him killing himself. i loved him with all my heart, the last thing i would ever do is hurt him, and i know that. so why is my treacherous brain making me feel such destructive guilt for this? i really thought i had come to terms with blaming myself, yet it infects my sleep. the guilt forces its way in when my mind is most vulnerable. and now, i feel guilty all over again.

trust me, i am more then willing to accept any help or advice out there for stopping that from happening, and stopping how guilty i feel about it. anything, please.

how can i stop grieving so heavily?
how can i stop remembering his face, lifeless and gone?
how can i stop dreams from tormenting me?
how can i stop hating myself so intensely?
how do i stop the guilt?

sorry

Erin hun,

You have to try and get this appointment brought forward because you're obviously fast approaching major crisis status!

U HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT!

You are obviously experiencing one hell of a trauma just now and u obviously need AND FULL DESERVE support! You have got to let ur DR KNOW NOW how uv been feeling, u have to let others that are working with u know now!

The longer u leave it the worse its going to be! Now if its starting in ur dreams as well its obviously affecting ur subconscious as well!

I can't really say anymore because i don't know enough of the background to what's happened and the history behind it, but u must seek help before u end up imploding!

Now PLEASE to HELL ERIN u support everyone else and give them advice please NOW LOOK AFTER U AND GET THE HELP THAT U DESERVE AND THAT THOSE WHO CARE ABOUT U IN THIS COMMUNITY WANT U TO GET!

Lots Of Love,

Craig

the dreams have really pretty much abated, well, so i had thought. heh, as for my nightmares go that wasnt so bad, just, overwhelming. idunno, this all makes little sense without knowing that much about me. >.<

*snorts* the stupid thing is, compared to how bad i have been this is nothing

Erin,
Everything is relative! Just because you've been through worse before doesen't mean that u don't have the right to be feeling like this just now! Remember the old saying "the straw that broke the camel's back"

Was going to add more but i think ll leave it tat that because i think that old saying makes the point perfectly!
x

perhaps its time you re-read this

http://www.steveandreas.com/Articles/grief02.html

:(

am i useless?

*shrugs* was just wondering... may or may not be because someone called me useless.

it doesnt matter. im just overreacting.

Erin,
You dont deserve to be hurting in this way and you certainly are not useless in any means way or form - When I read your posts i wish i had the knowledge, wisdom and way of words that you have - you are everything that Crazy Rabbit Lady say's you are - the only negative thing about you is that you are struggling so much right now - but we are all here to support you and help you through it in anyway that we can.
It was NOT your fault your friend killed himself - we are all in charge of our own destiny - OK we have many bumps along the way - some of us more than others - but we choose how we move on from these -we choose whether we ask for and accept help, like you are doing or we choose to escape - asking for help makes you a stronger person and as tough as it is you will get through this because you want to - it's just not going to be easy. You will have times when you think you are coping with more and then wonder why somedays the smaller things get to you more than you think they should - but it is all in the process of sorting everything out in your mind and each day is an achievement.
Please try and speak to someone before your next appointment is due - so that you can clear your mind a bit - i really think you have too much going on in it right now to be able to help yourself.
We are always here and you can tell us anything no matter how horific they are to you - you are more than likely to find others with simialr mememories and even if just one person that reads your post has somehow learnt to deal with them it could help you immensly.
I really hope this makes sense coz in my mind i know what i am trying to say but it doesn't always come out right.
Please take care of your wonderful self - we really care about you. xxx

There isn't much more i can add to what Katch and Crazy Rabbit Lady have said! They speak wisdom.

but i will repeat this YOU ARE NOT USELESS! Whoever says that needs a (in fact am not going to bring myself down to their level)


xxx
A lot of folks on here have a lot to be grateful to u for!

You are not useless. He is the one out of order here.
Please try to stop being so hard on yourself.
The way to deal with all these emotions now is to deal with them from the past. that is going to take time but you have made a start towards that.
The other thing to do is to stop fighting against your idea of what you are allowed to feel an not to feel.
And stop putting yourself down for everything, challenge your thoughts, try to see what we all see. *cuddles*

it occurred to me my best friend will be moving to Hollan for a year in a couple of weeks...

Awe Erin hun! Try not to think about that just now or ull just bring urself down even further! xx

Get through today and let tomorrow worry about itself

xx!

It just occured to you? Or you knew all along but refused to admit it was bothering you.
Erin dont block things out, they have a habbit of seeming so much worse.
Find out if you can still phone her while she is away, make back up plans for other people you can talk to.

I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to drop off some hugs and cookies and tell you that you're not useless! There are so many people here who care about you. Take care hun

Erin. Honey. I'm sorry you know? Sorry that I can't make all this go away and make things great and wonderful. It sucks. It really does. But i'm thrilled to fricking pieces that you've made this thread. And you know what? I do think you're strong. Strong for being alive. But you're also a fragile shattered mess inside. it's okay to feel like nothing is working. Hopefully your therapy stuff will pick up soon when you get that mental health care plan and stuff. *hugs* my pm box is always open to you sweets. Always.

Ween *clings* Love you too

I'm trying. I'm going to try and extend my support network, aka, talk to my other friends more. They all talk to me and turn to me when they need someone and I know they are willing to accept me doing the same (of course, I think that now, but who knows what I think in ten minutes)

I'm going to try, one thing at a time, I'm going to try and improve things. I have let my emotions wallow in squalor for a long time. I know thats not going to happen overnight, but I am going to start at a superficial level.

Of course, I am terrified. I don't think this will last very long, this vague determination I have plucked from nothing.

I'm just so scared that I'm not strong enough to do it alone, you know. when I'm by myself, either physically or emotionally, I'm my weakest, I'm my most terrified.

how does one stop hating themselves?

But Erin the beauty with this site is u never have to be alone! You've got friends worldwide who loves ya! So the chances are even in the middle of the night ur time some of us ll be around here cos its our afternoon!

How do u stop hating urself? U just have to try and realise that other people don't hate u and think that ur a wonderful person, so can we all be wrong??? xx

Erin that sounds very positive and i am proud of you for that.
*squish*
I know you can do this hunni.

Erin,
you need to find bits of you that you like rather than look at you as a whole. I think I hate myself when I am feeling low- but I am working on it - so far I've managed to come up with some good points about me - i.e I have a really good heart - I really care about others and also care about how what I do affects others - I know I am a good person in that respect so I can't hate myself completely . Try something like that - just find bits of you that you think are good - gradually you will see you're not a bad person - we see it all ready.
Hopefully you can get to the point where you hate what has happened to you - the things that have made you feel this way - but you will realise that you are not too blame and there is no reason to hate you. Good luck and take care. xxx