USELESS.
 

thats what i am.

ive always known it but now i FEEL it. im not good enough for anything. i know this. as hard as i try it is never good enough. it makes me want to destroy my body...to punish myself for being so inadequate. i see my bottles of pills and think how nice it would be to swallow them all just to make this pain go away.

its so much pain. it hurts so bad. but i cant cry about it. ive tried so hard. i feel like im going to break down sobbing any minute but i dont.

im sorry to have another thread....just seemed a different topic to me.

im sorry to everyone.

*leaves you flowers and a bear* you are wonderful and loved here i know its hard and i know sometimes those stupid pills just seem to call your name over and over but remember... That you have a lot to live for and even though it doesn't seem like it you are good enough you are beautiful and i am proud of you for asking for Support...

nonsense nonsense honey
i'm sorry but it is
what is useless? to me it is somebody who contributes nothing
and you do so much more than nothing
sometimes we all get caught up in the unrealistic standards perpetuated by the media though
please re-evaluate your standards because they are wrong if you come out feeling useless
i don't know details but i think you participate and hold many roles in your family and that means you are not useless
i bet without you and all you do they would have a gaping hole missing from their lives
*squishes you*
xxxooo callie

you are a truely liovely, lovely person!!! THis is true, you are! Nothing bad about you. You've always shown such caring and understanding, such bravery through everything, and you have been through so much. You deserve such wonderful peace and happiness and it will come your way. Through the tears will find some rest. Can you get some good sleep, take a bath, buy some flowers for your room. There are so so many who love you dearly. I know many people here care about you a great deal. I've heard you talk about the people you love too, and they love you back greatly. I hope this is all mak,ing sense, I want to show you I care. Please pleae dont take all those tablets at once, it would be such a tragedy, and such a terrible waste of a precious life. Your life is prescious, it is! So many things for you to do and see yet, and you touch so many lifes, without you they would not be who they are. take special care of youself. Be gentle, dont brush yourself aside or bring yourself down with black thoughts. Instead let this message allow you to see the beauty in yourself. See your beauty and realise the wonder and the strength you really have inside you.
much love
hammyxxxx

thank you:crying:

im really emotional right now. i THOUGHT i had an MRI today on my foot. we drove all the way to Jackson which is 15 or 20 dollars worth of gas. got there and they tell me its next tuesday!!!!! i wanted to crumble right then and there. i cant afford to get there again next week:crying:

after that we took Noah(Kelly's daughter) to the mall. she loves hot topics and SO DO I!!! i was excited about going. but then after being in there for a bit, i realized how poor and broke i really am. i have a tiny bit of money that has to last us the rest of the month. i found some really cute wrist bands and some socks i wanted....but i just had to walk out of the store before i started crying.

i feel a sense of intense failure. i DONT value myself by how much money i have etc.....but today it just really upset me that i cant even afford a 5 dollar wrist band. it broke my heart in pieces. i thought of my sister and how she can go to the mall and spend hundreds of dollars but i cant afford a 5 dollar wrist band!!!!

i AM very proud and happy for my sister. thing is...it could have gone either way. my father COULD have picked her instead of me.....then the whole situation would be flipped. NOT that i would rather him have chosen her. its just that i protected her so many times and she is the one who is successful and doesnt have to worry about financial issues like i do.

she hasnt been labeled a "danger to herself and others":crying: like i have. she hasnt spent months in mental wards like i have. she is realizing her dreams.
and i just wish i could too.

ive gone through so many emotions in the last hour. first hurt, then anger, then extreme anger...and now the hurt has set in firmly.

im having really intense urges to harm. i dont think i will....but the way im feeling, im not sure what i may do. im NOT trying to worry anyone...just trying to unload my feelings so maybe i DONT do anything drastic. and Kelly is here..so im safe.

by the way...kelly's daughter's feelings were hurt after she realized i had changed my name....and to avoid drama..i just told her who i am now. so its ok to say my name or whatever. meh.

if you read this far...thank you. *serves you cake and dr pepper*
loves.
xxxxx

awww Rach you can still realise your dreams
just because your sister is in a different situation and has more money right now doesnt mean that one sister has to be financially successful and the other sister has to be financially restricted and that she is automatically the financially successful one
you two are completely separate individuals and the what-if game is never good, no good comes of wondering what if your father had done it to her and not you or both of you or none of you
the situation is what it is and i think you should just accept you and your sister for what you are and move from there
take it a month or a week or a day at a time
and you know what? you can still go shopping. you can still pick things to buy. just plan ahead. so today was not the day for the socks and the $5 wrist band, but instead of saying "i can't afford it i will never have it," just say "today i found a wrist band and some socks to buy and i will add them to my list and buy them next month" or whenever it is that the extra cash is available
i'm sorry your apt was on a different week. you know, those hosps are so big and weird and unorganized sometimes, i would say it is def 100% possible that THEY got it wrong
if i were you, from now on i would call the morning of the appt and just confirm with them before you go all the way out there because lots of times hosps and dr's offices have gotten my appts mixed up and i dont trust them anymore lol
take care honey and have a good night
xxxooo

i just wanted to send you some *snuggly hugs*
i dont really have much to say just that i appreciate you so much so therefore you are not useless. and i think that we can realise our dreams, its just a bit harder, but when we get them we will appreciate them so much more.
xxx

*digs out road atlas* Yeah, that is quite a drive!

I think your sister has no idea about how lucky and fortunate she is who has a sister who cares so much about her. That you would literally go to emotional and physical hell to protect her.

My sister has more stuff than I do. She wears makeup and hose and heels to work along with the rest of her grown up clothes. I try to see how long a pair of socks from a $5-for-six-pair-from Wal-Mart package will last.

When your dreams come true, you will know the value of them, how hard every bit of work was. You will not take them for granted. The smallest thing will be worth celebrating.

*brings a couple of tubs of heavenly hash ice cream to the party*

*hugs all around and an extra one for Rachel*

hey rachel.
being a poor student, i can sympathise with the no money issues. i think winning the lottery is a good plan.
until we both do that and become millionaires, the planning thing is a good idea. it also gives you more time to think about things you want and prioritise, and gives u a greater sense of satisfaction when you do finally get to have the things you want.
i am glad you feel safe when kelly is there. i hope posting here helps unload things so you can fight the urges to harm yourself. all it does it leave more scars. and i think we all have enough of those already.
*sits expectantly and waits to be given cake with lots of icing*
xxxxxx

*snuggles all*
*hands out cake along with ice cream from Susan*

i love you guys.
thank you.
xxxxxxxxxx

just like to say nobody is useless

I would never ever use the word useless to describe you
You have given me so much support even though you are struggling yourself and you don't really know me, thats amazing, not useless
And all the things you do for your family despite not always feeling 100%
Don't take any tablets sweets, you'll end up un a worse situaltion like i did. The fact that you have reached out for help before doing anything is another reason why you are brave and trying to get better, definately NOT useless.
I often go shopping and can't afford to buy anything but it can still be a pleasurable experience. And i hope soon you will be able to buy the things you want.
Much love and big squishy cuddles xxxx

thank you both. xx

i feel so helpless right now. im in a certain situation that bothers me. Kelly has a 4 year old little boy. and as most of you know, i sent my 5 year old away almost 6 years ago now. so living with this little boy is quite hard.
HOWEVER.....i love him soooooooooooooo much. and Kelly calls both of us his "mommies".

problem is.....we are on the same page about most things concerning him which is GREAT. but today we had a situation. SHE WONT STAND UP TO HER PARENTS!!!! they have been spanking him. he's over there for 5 to 6 hours a day and we DONT SPANK!!!

she doesnt want him being spanked just as i dont and shes told her parents this....but they still do it. i told her "why not give them an ultimatum?"
such as..."until you can agree not to spank my son, he cant be over here with you anymore" is that wrong to suggest???? i dont think it is.

i made it clear with all my family that Keith wasnt to be spanked and i gave them other punishments to use. i dont understand the problem with that.

she says shes going to tell them this tomorrow. but i think shes just putting it off again because she didnt do it today!!!! she says she doesnt want any "confrontation"

welllllllll.....confrontation or not, she has to do this!!!! i would have already done it but i dont see it as my place and i KNOW it would work better with her doing it.

yet AGAIN...i feel helpless, worthless, and useless.

ive had 2 flashbacks...one last night...one this afternoon. they both were extreme. they had subsided quite a bit and werent as frequent or severe. but last night and today have rendered me physically broken. my body has no strength and it hurts ALL OVER. i cant go through this again. i thought it was over. im scared and dont know what to do. there is too much stressing me out. im freaking out over little things. im panicking. im a wreck.

i NEED it to go away...to STOP..to END!!!!!!!

oooh i want icing i love cake

i think you are absolutely right about the spanking honey
and i am so proud of you for talking to Kelly about it
if it's hard for her to confront her parents, maybe, if you are comfortable with it, you could confront her parents together and help her make sure that she says it all and that they understand?

*squishes you* i am sorry about the flashbacks
i know you are fed up, and yes you are dealing with more than any person ever should, but you are not a wreck and you can do this Rachel
i know you can
you are one of the strongest people i know

Might you in advance of talking to them, sort of make a script about what you will say to Kelly's parents? And give them suggestions about alternate punishments.

I find invasive memories with just one sense involved are tiring. You are amazingly strong to be surviving flashbacks!

*gives you a hug*

thank you both.
*group snuggles*

just wanted to say thank you really. dont have much else. Kelly and i worked out a plan and i feel better about it. im in ALOT of pain and everything just sucks right now. :(

love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

im not actually talking you guys.
im talking to whatever higher power is out there.
ive become desperate.
had another flashback about 2 hours ago.
i cant keep functioning like this. i want to sleep because they dont come in my sleep. but sleep is hard to get lately.
i dont understand what is going on with me.
im terrified, confused, angry, sad, and in so much physical pain....which along with that comes the emotional pain.

im at a loss once again.
i cant do this. but i have to.....no choice. i have to live no matter how bad it hurts.
im so scared.

*gives you a cherishing hug*

"but i have to.....no choice. i have to live no matter how bad it hurts. " i think this says a lot. i know it's hard. i know it hurts. but yes, we have to live, you have to live for yourself and for everyone else in your life. imagine allthe wonderful moments in keith's life that you will see and be part of as he grows up and when he becomes an adult. imagine what you would miss if you weren't there.

you are not useless, i am sorry it hurts so much about keith (and you were so strong to be able to send him away so he would be safe) but you are helping kelly with her little boy and you're right, its not your place to talk to her parents but you are tehre supporting her and giving her backup and that is VERY important and useFUL.

im sorry you are struggling with your flashbacks. they sound horrible. its ok to be scared. *hugs*

thank you:crying:

too much drama in my family.
my sister has kicked my brother out of her house. she's really hard. she wont back down.

im scared for my brother:crying:

i know im way too soft on him. im aware of this. i just dont want a midnight call telling me hes dead:crying:

im worried....we've got storms coming tonight....i slept all day.....ans wish i was still sleeping.

BUT house is on tonight...and i watch it religiously:pinch:

i miss house. i don't get to watch tv at uni :( concentrate on the wonderfulness of hugh laurie and block out nasty storms.
how old is your brother? what does he do?

thanks Chloe.
really sorry you dont get to watch House anymore.

my brother just turned 19 and is in college. ive spoken to my sis today. i think shes going to give him another chance. i dont know . im trying not to worry too much about it.

i had a nasty flashback sometime in the middle of the night last night. im really depressed. physical pain causes depression for me. and to know why im having the pain just makes it all the more worse.

Kelly and i watched Walk The Line today. id never seen it. it was really good.

i dont know what to say...im just really depressed.

loves.
xxxxx

*screams*
why cant i feel better?????
i try so ****ing hard!!!!!
ive been thinking of a part time job but i CANT with the flashbacks. i can barely function day to day at home!!!!

im so tired and ive slept ALOT the last couple of days just trying to ward off the flashbacks. but they attack me when awake.

im really trying here but its exhausting. i made up my mind a while back that i would NEVER try suicide again...and i mean it!!!!! so that is no longer an option. living with it is the only choice i have and that is damn scary.

i see my therapist every week. im only getting worse.....or im stuck at a stand still. im just a scared little girl.

Sometimes we get stuck in therapy. Or it takes a long time to resolve something from the past because we're so busy coping with the present.

About working, what has worked out for me might be something you can do too, working from home. Is there any kind of data entry or envelope stuffing you might do?

I'm a lost and scared little girl too. I just tend to hide it behind being a workaholic and work horse.

*shares a cuddle with you*

as susan said, is there something you can do from home? perhaps editing?
lots of us are scared. i'm so pleased that you have made the decision to live. it's not an easy thing to do.
can you try and change the direction and emphasis your therapist is using? suggest to them that something different might help more?

thank you guys.

ive thought of the working at home thing. ive even checked in to a couple places.
but we live in a tiny town and employment is scarce. meh...i dont know.

Kelly thinks i need a break from RYL because she says i always come away from it in a worse mood. shes right in a way. i get upset reading alot of the posts and then when i post it makes me think about my own crap.

maybe i should take a little break...but i feel guilty if i dont check in.

loves.
xxxxx

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!

he keeps attacking me.
Kelly and i were just sitting here watching a movie (i actually got out of bed today) and a flashback attacked me. and when i say attacked.....i really do mean attacked.

my body cant take much more. i feel brittle and so so weak. my whole body feels like a giant bruise. its hard to walk. it hurts to sit. lying down is the most comfortable...but i cant stay in bed forever!!!!

i feel so small and weak. so helpless. so defenseless. just like back then. im reliving my whole childhood....and it hurts bad.

rachel, i agree with what romp said in your other thread. he can't hurt you anymore, and maybe this is just part of the healing process. you are NOT weak and NOT defenceless anymore. your life has changed. you are free from him and your childhood and you now have your own family and own child to LOVE and look after.

take a break if you think it will help you. try to find more in life to live for. i am starting to sound slightly hypocritical, but still. you have your family, a town you know, people who love, around you. make the most of it, and maybe with patience and therapy and support this will stop affecting you so badly.

*hugs you and gives you a chocolate muffin*

^ agrees
i have never had a flashback and i cant really know what you are going through, but i do know that he cant hurt you anymore
and what is hurting you right now are the memories and the flashbacks, and those are real but those are what are hurting you right now and not him..... okay this is coming out jumbled but i think my point was..... oh crap i lost it....... *hugs* and i care and i hope you feel better and just um reread Chloe's post or what Romp said or something i think i am losing my mind

YOU CANT ACTUALLY RELIVE YOUR CHILDHOOD
i think that is what i wanted to say
it FEELS like you are reliving it and it may feel like it is happening over and over and that he can hurt you forever and that you can always be hurt by those things but you CANT
IT ISNT TRUE
just tell yourself that
IT'S OVER and he doesnt have the power to do that anymore and you are SAFE you are so safe right now Rach honey
it isn't actually happening again
it is a type of memory thing and i know it is vivid and awful and i can't imagine what it is like but i can say that you are safe and it isn't actually happening and maybe if you tell yourself that it will feel better and lose some of its power? xxxooo

Uh dumb and nosy question, are the memories/flashbacks new memories, or the old ones time and time again? I've been having the intrusive memories, one sense instead of all of them but once they've come the power is taken out of them.

*brings you some Dr.Pepper Jelly Bellys* (I just checked. They really do have that flavor.)

you're NOT useless !!!! for God's sake, please quit thinking so horribly about yourself. i love you sooo much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and miss you...

thank you guys.

i know im not actually reliving my childhood. but it FEELS that way in my body.
i DO push myself as hard as i can.

i stayed in bed all day yesterday. i feel right guilty for it. so im up today...have showered and made myself look decent. depression SUCKS.

im so sorry sweet Kelly. im sorry you miss me but i promise im still here......just in a different way. this will subside...im just not sure when.

loves.
xxxxx

Yes, depression sucks, like skunks at a surprise party. I'm usually a very active person with work and aa meetings and travel. Last summer I spent time helplessly curled up in bed or in the easy chair because of it. I did go to AA meetings though. I get too much out of them to not go.

*gives you a cherishing hug*

sending real sympthy and warm hugs. Really know how awful depression is. Really hope that you get some rest and some peace. be kind to yourself because you deserve a lot. Its this illness, its not you. You ahve done nothing wrong at all. You are trying so hard and no one can ask more, you can only go at your pace. Time will heal and you will rise up again. You're very special.
much love
hammy xxx

thank you guys.
*snuggles you both*

i forgot to mention something.
my son's concert is tonight and im here instead of THERE!!!!
i didnt have the money to go.

i spoke to him on sunday and he said it was ok. but i heard his voice cracking. he tries so hard to be strong for me. but mommies know when their baby's are sad.

its killing me. i didnt want to get out of bed today. but i see how much its upsetting Kelly....so i got up and made myself presentable.

i really just wanted to sleep through it all. i know both my aunt and uncle will be there. but mommies are supposed to be there for these things!!!!

i dont know how i will get through tonight. i wont harm. i wont drink. but im sure i'll be taking "happy pills". im really disgusted with myself right now.

i wish i could cry it out. but i had a good cry a few days ago....and who knows when i'll get another one.....

i miss Keith so much. and i have no clue as to when i will see him again. i hope they come for his b-day(july) but i dont know if they will.

ok...ive rambled enough. i feel poo.:crying:

Keith is in practice right now. i called to wish him luck but i was too late:crying:

((((((((Rachel))))))))

I'm sure Keith understands hun. It is normal for the both of you to be disappointed but if he is anything like his mum then he will get through it and do amazingly at his concert *hugs you close*
Well done on getting out of bed today...you should be proud of yourself for fighting the crap feelings. I heard this quote in a film a few weeks ago and I really like it, don't know why but feel it sort of applies to you too 'Even the smallest light shines in the dark'. I guess no matter how crap things get there can always be some hope if we look hard enough for it.
You are NOT useless sweetie, no way.
Stay strong and Keep fighting
Emma xx

there is nothing to be disgusted about by making decisions to ensure the safety of your child and by doing so accepting the burden of pain which comes with not seeing him.

I am glad you managed to have a cry the other day. it's good for releasing sadness and tension.

can you make Keith a Well Done card with pictures and photos and stuff on and send it to him?

Having a good cry is really good as I'm sure you know yourself hun. I hate when you really need a good one, and you just can't get it to come out. I hear you loud and clear hun on that one as I'm sure many people do.

I'm sure Kieth understands, and Chloe's idea of sending hom a well done card with pics etc would be amazing too hunnie.

I know what it's like to have days where you can't get out of bed, because you don't feel like facing the world. I've done that over past few days, hardly been in college all week. I was late going in on monday as I had to go somewhere to pick something up urgently and then I went to college even though I was increadibly suidicial (made worse by doing certain things)....and then that was the last time I was in. I haven't been seen since 3.10pm on monday. I just can't face it. I try not to feel too guilty, but I know I should have gone in today, espically as I had coursework to hand in....

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain, both phyiscally and emotionally. It's the worst I know. I'm in both pains right now aswell, though mine sound like nothing compared to you.

You're amazingly stron Rach, I really know you can get through this and Kelly will be by your side through it all as well.

*lots and lots of hugs*

Thanks for replying to my thread, giving me hugs :) Makes me feel guilty because I never really contribute to your posts....

:) xxxx

thank you everyone.
*group snuggles*

i appreciate all of you. i really do.
Chloe, your idea is great and i probably will do that.
thank you.
loves.
xxxxx

*snuggles*

Keep strong hunnie xxx