dissociative distress thread
 

I prefer the term [that Mind use] 'Dissociative Distress' to 'Dissociative Disorder'.

I suffer from dissociative distress.

I have an Other One, a split off part of my psyche that developed as a reaction to trauma and abuse when I was a child and teen. I pretended nothing was wrong, I pretended I didn't exist, I pretended that I was secretly special, an undiscovered princess.

And so The Other One developed.

It tries to protect me, but isolates me from the world and other people, and doesn't want me to have a 'life' because, in it's mind, life and other people means getting hurt. As it did back then.

And so it perpetuates what the bullies and my father did to me, the way they made me see myself.

And it has a tendency to exist separate from me, Katie. It has some of its own 'life', and when it comes over me, I feel far away and not in control. I am an observer and hostage.

I am working in therapy to track when THO, as I call it, is forefront, and to try and counteract its destructive lure.

I started this thread for all of us who suffer from dissociative distress of one form or another -- depersonalisation, derealisation, complex PTSD, DID.... you are all welcome here.

Hi, thanks for starting this thread.

I don't know what I have exactly. I just go away. I get cut off entirely. I can watch the situation, but I cant talk, I cant get back iside me to kid on everything is normal. Its like being paralised or somthin.

Do you know what it is I am describing? Is it like longing tears. I'd love someone to explain it if they understood.

It sounds like some kind of dissociation. I can't pin down which sort, but it definitely sounds like you are going into some protective mechanism, freezing. 'Going away' is part of the dissociative defence thing, in my experience.
Are there any particular triggers for when this happens for you?

For example, my triggers are usually crowds or public transport, or queues, where I feel my space being intruded upon in some way, or where I can't control things and feel unsafe [because of the past abuses].

Thanks for your input

I'd say its when the stuff inside gets out of control
It can happen anywhere. Home, the street, with friends/family.

Just wondered if anyone else would know what I was talking about.

I know what you mean about isolating you though!!

Hi, just wanted to let you know you're not alone with this, both of you. I did have a problem with this a few months ago, it felt like I had split into 3, my body, Anna (destructive personality) and Rosie (childish, naive personality) I didn't have much control over myself, I just watched what was happening from across the room, seeing myself like as if I was watching a film. I still sometimes see myself from "outside" myself and don't feel 'real' sometimes, but the fact that I eat regularly now helps.
Take care, PM me anytime.
x

hey willow. I know what you mean about when things inside get out of control.

hi Rosie, thank you for sharing your experience.
I often find that eating properly helps me also. Do you have an idea why that might be?
Myself, I wonder if its maybe I feel safer then and more able to contain the feelings I can find unbearable at other times.
My Other One is basically self-destructive, and its hard to learn that is the way it is. She just wants to make the past better, which of course can't happen, because its over and done. But The Other One lives in a past reality, and...

I just found this site which describes trauma and dissociation very clearly. So I thought I'd share it here.

http://www.anopendoor.com/TDO/editor8.htm

This is what resonates for me --

and

I struggle with dissociation - although not to the extent that I have split off other personalities that exist independantly from me .... but my dissociation problems have been severe enough so that they've impacted significantly on my life, causing some lengthy amnesic episodes, self injury and self destructive behaviour, spaciness, and feelings of numbness and unreality.

And what I've found to be a big problem for me, is that medication does virtually nothing to help my dissociation problems - I've tried anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and anti-psychotic meds, and none of them have really helped me very much at all.

The only thing that has really helped me with my dissociation problems, and with problems due to past trauma, is the understanding and experience of a skilled therapist. It seems that the only way to counteract the effects of dissociation that is a result of past trauma, is the long slug through intensive therapy .... *sighs* ... and some days that can be emotionally grueling and exhausting work!

I have the greatest of admiration for people who live with dissociation problems ... it's a difficult struggle that's for sure ... especially when you've got 2 or more people inside you who are working at cross purposes to you.

I guess in the situation of multiple people in the one body, the key to living successfully, is understanding what purpose everyone has within the whole system, and finding a way to compromise and cooperate so that everyone can live together as happily as possible. Not an easy feat I can imagine ... but definitely worth the struggle!

Stay strong everyone ... and its nice to get to know some of you! :)

hi typsee, thanks for contributing. :)

I agree with you 100% about intensive therapy.

And the medication question... there is unfortunately no medication that relieves dissociation, although anti-depressants can ease the depression and intense rawness and sense of vulnerability some.
My belief is that recovering from trauma and consequent dissociation involves unfreezing blocked feelings, releasing that learnt survival defence mechanism and learning to feel... learning to feel for the first time, it often seems to me.
Dissociation has definitely blocked me off from the world and other people to a large degree, and reaching out from that is one of the most painful and beautiful things that there is, in my perception.

thank you katie for this.

well...ive been diagnosed with compex PTSD and dissociative disorder.
my only way of describing it, is that i "go away". i have no memory of what ive done for hours at a time. sometimes if there are people around, i will ask them if they noticed anything different about me. the answers i get are "you were really quiet and didnt answer any questions, as if you were a robot". due to this reason alone, my son had to leave me. that is the biggest consequence for me in having DID. and i hate my father for it. had it not been for him, i would have my little boy *cries* im sorry...ive said enough.

I agree.

(((Apple)))

I 'go away' too, but I am acutely conscious of it. I dissociate feelings rather than time.

Hi Apple, thanx for sharing.

I understand totally about "going away" and loosing time. I feel so sad about your son and your feelings towards your father. (Big Hugs)

About medication - I am on a tablet called lamotrigine. It was originally an epilepsy drug, but now they think it stabalises mood and helps with dissosiation. I can't say I notice a massive improvement, but sometimes you can't remember just how bad it was before!!

It's good to hear you all talk about this. I find alot of people want to pretend this kind of thing doesn't happen.

I think I will have a look into that medication Willow. Although I am quite 'stable' now ( LOL - whatever that means! :laugh: ), I do go through some pretty rough periods during certain times of the year (ie - around my birthday, Christmas, whenever there's a death of a loved one), and it would be nice to have a medication that actually works to take the edge of these feelings. I dont expect there to be a miracle cure for dissociation (although if someone offered me one, I dont think I'd knock it back!) .... but it definitely would be nice to have a little chemical help, y'know?.... (or maybe that's just my addictive nature speaking there... but sometimes living with dissociation problems can be incredibly difficult, cant it? So I really dont blame anyone - nor myself - for wishing it could be a litle easier sometimes.)


Romy - I really like your 'food poisoning / allergy' analogy (or is it called a metaphor? I always get those 2 mixed up! :crazy: ). Often I find myself wondering how I can still be so badly effected by something that happened over 20 years ago! But as my therapist so patiently explains over ... and over ... and over to me :tongue2: these traumatic experiences occurred during the years when my personality and 'sense of self' was only just developing - ie - it was a 'critical time' in my life, and it is expected that it would have a significant impact on my life today. hmmm ... but understanding what's happening to you and why you are the way you are, doesnt always make it any easier to LIVE with it though.


Apple - I also have the diagnosis of Complex PTSD .... even though my therapist says that this particular diagnosis hasnt made it to the DSMs yet - I think they said it might make the 6th edition though - apparently adding a new diagnosis to these psych manuals that the docs use to diagnose patients, ends up taking a loooooong time with all the red tape involved! I used to have the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, because the docs didnt know what to make of all my 'lost time', and they just didnt believe in Dissociative Identity Disorder (kinda makes you wonder what they thought of DID being in the DSM 4 then, doesnt it? :doze: ) But I knew I didnt have DID ... and I hadnt heard of Complex PTSD at that stage, so borderline was it for me! And because of the stigmaattached to that particular disorder, I was treated with alot of doubt and suspicion - everything I said or did was seen as 'manipulative' - not nice at ALL! .... but this is a thread for Dissociation problems, so I will save those thoughts for the 'borderline thread' I've seen pop up recently in this forum ... here it is!
It's great to read about other people's experiences - sometimes you can just pick up something - like the name of a medication, or a coping strategy that you hadnt thought of, or whatever - and it could be something that may make all the difference for another person!


Thanks everyone for sharing! :-)

I don't think I'm DID, at least in the traditional sense of the word. If it's possible to be somewhere between DID and normal, I think that's where I am. I'm one person, but there are still...two of me, in a way. I can't explain this too well. It might be partially because I changed my name, or at least that's what gave me the words to describe it When I became Jacquelyn, part of me stayed Ali. The same part of me is also young--between 4 and 6, I think--and is just sort of...she is how i think and act sometimes. It isn't as if I'm ever NOT myself, or as if someone else takes over, just more like I'm two people at once and sometimes I'm her. Younger, wanting to hurt myself, wanting to be punished so I can be clean. Here's the problem: No matter what I decide when I feel my age, I can't make it stick when I don't. She can't understand. She's just too...young.


so, my question for all of you...what's it like? to what extent do you 'go away'? where do you go? or are you there all the time, only it's...different? like being someone else? is it possible to have good enough communication that you don't know you are switching, but you feel different? can you be separate and suspect you're separate but at the same time feel like you're one person? i don't even know what i'm asking anymore. it's just...there are times i feel like someone else. someone quite different than me.

hi. [I really like your avatar btw. :) ]

I can relate a lot.

I'd say more, but I'm really really tired right now and its hard to get words together.

That is so much like how it is for me.

I'll try and answer some of your questions later..

Sorry I never got to answering in more detail. I've been... elsewhere in and out The Other One this past week. Am now 'come back to myself.' To my great relief...

I'll respond to this soon.

For me it feels every time I emerge from a severe dissociative episode that I move forward one notch in accepting the reality of my condition. Its like a jolt each time, saying 'yes, you, you have a dissociative disorder due to trauma and abuse.' It shakes you up.

Firstly hugs to everyone.

When I first started having dreams and flashbacks of what I still don't know if was real or not, but basically of being abused as a child, my depersonalisation when from episodes of being disassociated to having two alters. It was really scary when I came out of it, because my parents would often be worried and angry because I would have been using a different voice, different mannerisms, all sorts of odd things. Thankfully I very rarely go into disassociative identities anymore. I have not been officially diagnosed with ptsd by a doctor, but I have by a psychologist. My depersonalisation was always the worst in school, where I would routinely fall asleep or just lose hours of time due to my depersonalisation, because my traumas mainly happened in school, so I have school phobia which has caused me to be out of mainstream schooling for a few years (although I'm hoping to go to a mainstream school 75% of the time from September).

Sorry that was a big self important monologue from me. I don't find medication helps my depersonalisation at all, like Typsee I find therapy a lot better. Sometimes grounding techniques help me. My Mum has a book 'seeking safety' with things to do if you're disassociated or having a flashbacks. Sometimes it's a relief, to be depersonalised I mean, sometimes it's scary and I feel like I'm not real, or I'm made of cardboard or something.

Thanks for a great thread Katie.

*bumps thread*

i have DID,
i dont really know how to cope with it,
im only 14...
kinda worried,

I started to dissociate two years ago, at that time I would just lose chunks of time. It stayed like that until last year when I started hearing voices other than my own, the dissociation became more frequent and I would lose whole days at work or days at home, yet things would still get done, I just wouldn't remember doing them. Then just 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Dissociative Amnesia, so when I dissociate bad enough I'll forget everything important, like who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, I'm still learning how to cope with this one, so if anyone has any suggestions that would be great. Also, the insiders (the people in my head) have been taking tests for me (and doing pretty well on them too...:wow: ) Having said this I can see where my psychologist is coming from when she said there is a very good change that I have DID ontop of the Dissociative Amnesia. The concept of dissociation isn't new to me, but I can say it's gotten worse over the 2 year period. I also have depersonalization issues. I'll feel like I'm standing in a corner just watching myself work. All I can say is just because we dissociate and have dissociative disorders DOES NOT mean we're crazy, like my psychiatrist seems to think, but that's another story.

Teagan

We did what we could to survive trauma and abuse. Its awful that it causes us so much distress in our lives now, now we are mostly safe, in present reality.

I'm working a lot right now in therapy to understand brief episodes of dissociative amnesia I had when in my early teens. Its a shock to me that I would have dissociated even then. But then I spent most of my childhood and all my teen years in a state of one kind of dissociation or another. It's totally natural, as I was under a constant state of threat at home and school, already having the propensity to dissociate due to birth trauma and early isolation.
Its sad, and it makes me angry, that noone picked up on how ill I was even then, how much I needed help.
But things were different in the 70s and 80s.
I am getting the help I need now.
And I have the insight and consciousness to work through it, explore it all more safely.
'Melting' though can feel very painful.
But making connections is very very precious. Reaching the I that was never reached, Back Then..

I dissociate when I'm in a very stressful situation, like one time when I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get the morning after pill and I thought I wouldn't be able to pay for it, I was crying and shaking, I couldn't talk, and I just withdrew comepletely. It's happened other times as well, but that was the most recent... It's like I just sort of turn off my mind. I don't think about anything, I stare off into the distance and I can't respond... I like it though, it's better than facing what's going on.


:\

I get this with my panic disorder/anxiety.
I feel like i am completely away from everything and i am living in a different universe from everyone arround me.
I feel like i am inside a bottle, and i see everything blurry through the barricade of the bottom of the bottle.

When this happens i usually freak out and have a panic attack.
But sometimes i have really bad days where i just feel unreal.

It's odd to read what I wrote earlier in this thread about disassociating in school, because now my disassociation is really bad when I'm in school, but it took me a long time to realise that's what it is.

what I've found most helpful for my disassociation is stuff the wonderful Katie told be about, like focussing on your feet. And also sipping water. Because in class my disassociation makes my eyes close or blur and I'm stuck in a 'dream like' state, that isn't asleep but isn't awake and these things seem to help pull me back.

I guess my diassociation is part of my Borderline PD diagnosis.

I wish I could give you all a big hug, it's horrible to suffer with any form of disassociation, youa ll have my respect and hugs.

Do you have anything that triggers it? I find anything remotely related to my 'traumas' will bring it on, being in a classroom, being hit, having something round my neck, eugh.

I lose time.

Ive only just come to realise that I have another personality as such that comes out during those periods.


And it isnt nice... I think its all the thoughts and feelings I tend to hide from in my "normal self" from the past. It hates me, and wants to hurt me and I dont know how to stop it.

I dont even know how to understand it or what it means..

I dont know if its me, but it doesnt feel like me.

I dunno what it is that is wrong with me, but some of the things said in this thread seem to be linked to this.

If anyone could help me out, I'd be really grateful, Im so overwhelmed and scared of this..

xx

I think I have depersonalization and derealization, but they aren't diagnosed.

Depersonalization is an alteration in the perception or experience of the self so that one feels detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body.[1] It can be desirable, such as in the use of recreational drugs, but it is usually referring to the severe form found in anxiety and in the most intense case, panic attacks. It is most often described as a symptom of emotions, such as panic or fear. A sufferer feels that he or she has changed and the world has become less real — it is vague, dreamlike, or lacking in significance. It can sometimes be a rather disturbing experience, since many feel that indeed, they are living in a "dream."
Chronic depersonalization refers to depersonalization disorder which is classified by the DSM-IV as a dissociative disorder. Derealization is a similar term to depersonalization, and the two are often used interchangeably. However, more specifically, derealization is the feeling that "nothing is real," while depersonalization is the feeling that one is literally "detached" from one's body or world. Though these feelings can happen to anyone, they are most prominent in anxiety disorders, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, and some types of epilepsy, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization).

That describes me lately.



I think I may have had a few spells of one or both a few years ago, but that's worse now.



I've been feeling that way since at least last Saturday or Sunday.

Mine sounds pretty similar to yours. Although I don't lose the time. Time does... warp, though, for me.

I work in therapy to find out more about The Other One, and understand it more.
I'll write more later. I've been very sick yesterday. :[

My girlfriend regularly loses time and from my experience has two additional personalities. One is an 11 year old girl that I have spoken to on a few occasions (which is spooky in itself as it's my girlfriend's voice but her speech is quite immature and childlike) and one is quite a dangerous personality that seems to have a lot of self-hatred (or hatred for my girlfriend) and will make her hurt herself quite badly.

The trouble is, I have saved msn conversations and things from when she was these other personalities but understandably she doesn't want to accept that what I'm saying is true and she won't read the conversations as she's scared to. She doesn't think anything's wrong and won't let me try and show her. She's not receiving any kind of support except from me and I live about 200 miles or more away so there's not much I can do for her.

Does this sound like DID or something similar and does anyone have any advice?

*bumps thread*

I have depersonalisation disorder... I was diagnosed once, then another psychiatrist made me feel stupid for even suggesting this was my problem.

I remember saying to my first psychiatrist that the world didnt feel real, like I wasn't really in my body and the world felt like a dream... as soon as he said it sounds like depersonalisation disorder, I felt so happy that at least its a recognised problem.

It really, really distresses me. I've stayed in bed for days so I can sleep because my dreams most of the time feel more real than real life...

It can be really hard when you don't feel real. It's like you.. don't belong... Is that how it is for you?

I sometimes get moments when I feel like I am out of my body and wonder who this person is, who I am, who is this thing that has a body and life. It's distressing.

I just typed like a billion words, and they have escaped to internet space, assisted by a message that said I wasn't logged in, I forgot to refresh when I came back from taking the dogs out, and I just don't have the energy now to go and chase them down and haul them all back here just now. They've probably spread out across the universe by now. I'll have to try that again later.

Wondering Hen

"Wherever I go, there I am."

I look forward to reading your words when you're ready, Wondering Hen.

I have this posted somewhere else but typsee said I should put it here too. I don't suffer DID personally, but someone I know gets terrible headaches because of it, and I found this article for her to look at. Hopefully it might come in useful for some of you.

----

MPD & Headaches by Sara Lambert
The single most common neurological symptom reported in MPD is headache. (Frank Putnam) Suffering frequent headaches is so typical an experience for multiples that it is one of the major clues psychologists look for when diagnosing MPD. Most multiples report that their headaches are extremely painful, often to the point of being literally blinding. Medication seldom works to relieve the pressure or pain. There are some different explanations for why multiples get more headaches than the general population.

STRESS: Life can be very stressful for multiples. In addition to normal daily problems, you have to deal with post-traumatic stress arising from your abuse history. Other stresses specific to multiples include lost time, waking up in the middle of situations and having to appear as if you know what is going on, and trying to find ways to continue functioning when all you want is to hide under your bed forever. All of this can leave your nerves ragged and muscles bunched up in tension. It can also drain you of emotional strength. Headaches are a natural result.
Considerable physical stress is also a consequence of having a dissociative disorder as you use your physical senses to contain and come to terms with your psychological disabilities and "strange" experiences. Take derealization, for example: a common occurrence of dissociative misperception wherein the world seems distorted or two-dimensional. The effort to focus your vision all the time can cause eye strain and, subsequently, acute headache. On top of this, it can be incredibly distressing, frustrating, and frightening to experience episodes of derealization. The emotional toll is enough in itself to cause headache. But it doesn't end there because, in addition to the physical effects of trying to deal with dissociative misperceptions, and the emotional effects of it, most dissociators also fight hard to hold everything together and look "normal" to the outside world. This can be exhausting, especially when selves are struggling to get out. As the brain works furiously to manage all these layers of stress, the dissociator develops a worsening headache.
To ease stress headaches, find what works best for you to decrease swollen, tense muscles. This is different for everyone - some prefer ice whereas others need to stand in a warm shower. Massage can be helpful. Music is soothing but, for some people, the noise simply adds another layer of stimulus onto the load the brain is already having to deal with. Some find the only thing they can do to help the pain is sleep. This works by giving your body a chance to rest and revitalize. There are also a number of self-hypnotic techniques you can use to let the stress and pain go. As dissociators are highly hypnotizable, these techniques can be particularly effective. You can create any hypnotic scenario you want from your own imagination. For example, fill your mind with a gentle, soothing color that washes the pain away.

OVERSTIMULATION: Multiples are very prone to pressure-type headaches caused by too much incoming stimulus. This barrage of psychic "noise" includes things which impact on all our senses and overwhelm them. It may come from inside - for example, too many alter selves standing near the front of consciousness. The noise may also come from outside - too much sound, too many bright colors that blur in front of your eyes. There are two probable reasons why multiples are overly sensitive to external stimuli - because of their chronic abuse experiences, multiples have developed a hyper-alertness which means they are constantly aware of everything around them incase danger is lurking - and because they have so many different "eyes" perceiving the world around them, often simultaneously. As one survivor put it, "Sometimes things have too much meaning. It's as if we're all looking at something at the same time, and our different perceptions get jumbled-up and become too much to cope with, and then our head feels as if it's going to explode. And of course we all have separate feelings and opinions for what we see. It can be unbearable. There are so many eyes/minds, but only one sensory system to process everything. Even just a walk down the city street can leave us with a crippling (but somehow painless) headache."
To help ease headaches cause by over stimulation, ask inside for everyone to step back and give you some space and quiet. Explain that it is more effective for them to tell you about their experiences when you have time and energy to listen properly. Alternatively, they may like to write their thoughts/feelings in a journal if they can't wait. Some multiples find it helpful to carry pen and paper around with them for this purpose. There are ways to achieve ventilation of some of the noise - deep breathing exercises are good for this, and again you can use a number of self-hypnotic techniques, such as picturing a steam-valve on the side of your neck. If you find it overwhelming to go out in public surrounded by "noise pollution", you could try wearing a walkman that playing peaceful, soothing music which blocks out the other noise.

SWITCHING: Switching from one alter self to another causes headache mainly when there is some kind of conflict between the selves for control. The solution to this is better communication and cooperation within your system. When there is a disagreement about who should be "out", many selves may be happy to accept a third party to take the out position as act as a mediator so both voices can be heard through her. Often this third party is an automaton self who has few sensitivities of her own, and so is not disturbed by being a channel through which others can communicate. Another suggestion is that, instead of coming completely out, the two selves stand in a place on the edge of inside, where they can be heard without a complete switch having to occur. Most people find that, as their co-consciousness increases, struggles for control (and the consequent headaches) cease to be a problem. There are some multiples who experience headache or other symptoms, such as nausea or dizziness, with even the most uncomplicated and unconflicted switches. This is usually the case for those who are early in their healing process, or whose dissociative barriers are profound. It is not surprising when you consider the physiological changes that happen when a multiple switches between alter selves. It has been proven that selves have their own unique pattern of brainwaves. Furthermore, everyone has at different ages a different biochemistry and mental capacity - thus the switch from adult to child is going to be more physiologically complex than between two adults.

SPILLAGE: When alters have disputes between themselves at a subconscious level, or when one is seething because of some anxiety they have, the tension often emerges in the form of headache. In this way, the person who is out may have a migraine without being aware that it is being caused by a stroppy teenager who is figuratively stomping around inside because she is angry about something. Alter selves are also notorious for sending headaches to the front person as a kind of message. This headache can be seen as a kind of acting out. In cases like these, pain-killing medication is of no use, because there is no actual physiological problem - the pain results from emotional disturbance. It is necessary to get the selves talking to you about what is going on for them. If they are willing to do this, there is a better chance they will get their needs met than if they simply radiate wordless feelings and pain.

Sourced at: http://labyrinthofpeople.com/lop1/Headaches.html
On: 06-12-07

*bumps thread*

this is pretty useful, thanks :)

Hi. :)

I don't know what I have...
There's another voice in me. No name that I know of, been there forever. But she yells at me all the time, tells me things that I can't repeat here...or I don't know. Maybe I can. She hates me. I say she always yells, but she's the one who tells me why I should kill myself, and she's the one who knows that I mess everything up. Most of the time I just her have the control whenever I want anything done. I say let...she shoves me to the side.
I also feel like I don't exist. I feel like I'm just a shell, and I'm really not there. I've also seen things in the ceiling and on patterns, and objects seem more realistic to me than people.
Does anyone know what I'm describing?

It's not exactly the same for me but I do experience something like that. There's a voice in me that yells and yells at me and hates me. She mocks me and everything I do. I don't know what to do about it though, so I guess telling you this is totally pointless. I know it's horrible though.

I've felt that too. Sometimes. I don't feel like I exist, like I'm there at all. And patterns and things get a meaning and a personality and a mood. I don't know why though.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're describing. I'm clueless. But I can kind of relate, you know?

Well, at least I'm not the only one. That's something.

You're definitely not the only one. :)

I don't know if it's similar but there is this girl Lola and she was the one I saw being restrigned at the psych unit. It was her getting injected not me (Lyssie) because people seam to think it was me but it wasn't I saw Lola being restraigned who is completely different from Alyssa. Her scream echoing the place. She is the angry one and Angel (my cat) is the depressed one. It's all so confusing I wish I could explain it better. *gets angry with self*

edit: I think Lola protects me with her anger because like my old psych said a lot of my SI is anger related. At least it used to be because I used to get bullied so badly at school and that has traumatised me so I can't function proply at colleges and get anxiety attacs. Hense Lola getting angry with the people who bully and hurt me and bitterness.

I really didn't think it was a problem before but do you think I should tell my key worker because I'm quite concerned now?

is that why I sometimes can't remember things happening? I think back and there is total blankness in my mind about that time you see.

*hugs* Alyssa. I think that could explain the blankness in your mind hun. I'd mention it to your psych though.

For me, this has ony been a recent thing. I've always had episodes of being detached from reality, feeling like I'm in a dream. But recently I have had really bad flashbacks of abuse, where I am 13 not 20. Then I don't remember bits afterwards, but I wrote all over my arm, that he wasn't here and it wasn't happening and I am safe. Recently I've been 13 quite a lot. Because I am still small I have clothes from then and I wear them, I take more pleasure in childish things when I am 13, like I dressed up as a cat, and I made jelly and ice cream. I don't think it's a different personality, because it is me. And I remember what I've been doing, but I know I was 13 when I did it not 20. If that makes sense at all.

^^ that makes sense. I can understand that.
I have dreams all the time about things that have happened in the past, but no "waking" flashbacks. Although something weird did happen last night.
Lately I've been seeing this girl who is dressed in this flowing white dress, and everytime I see her she's in the corner of my eye, either just watching me and smiling or hanging herself or about to jump off of something. She looks like she's about twelve, and I know she has blue eyes and black hair.
I get really paranoid sometimes, and often feel like someone is following me, or watching me, or about to hurt me. Last night it wasn't just some anonymous someone, it was her. And I could hear her laughing in my head. It's the first time I've ever heard her voice.
She says her name is Victoria.
I also lose time all the time. I can't remember the first time I lost time, but I know it's been happening forever.

*bumps*

What might have caused Victoria to torment/haunt you in this way, do you think?

I don't know.
She's different than Patience, which is the voice that always yells at me and who I let take over when I don't feel like dealing anymore. I can't seem to get in touch with Victoria to ask her anything, and I'm not sure I really want to.
I have a tendency to ignore my problems, and I'm trying to ignore her. Most of the time I try to ignore Patience as well. It normally just makes things worse.
I just recently found out Patience's name as well. She's been around forever, but I never bothered to try and found out her name, because yet again, I try and forget that she's there.

Maybe she's the part of you that's always been ignored - by parents, teachers, whoever, and is fighting back?

i have a voice in my head, its been there aslong as i can remember, sometimes it whispers and sometimes it shouts...and its always bad ****! i dontunderstand it though..i dont understand what it is
and i dont understand why right now nothing seems real..it happens all the time and it can last for days...and it horrible..it makes me want to kill myself so i can find reality. everything seems in my head..none of this is real..i dont even know if im really...
sorry about the post