Why?!?!?!
 

So, I talked to my doctor today. He is making me stay at this damn LTSR. The doctor said he wants me out in as short a period as possible, but that's bullshit. Last time I was here I was here for almost three months. Now I'm stuck here again. I am so damn pissed!!! I want to cut so badly right now. And I don't know what to do... I'd like to chat with someone, but I can't get on the chatroom here because this is a public computer and blah blah blah. I could talk to the staff here, but I don't know. There's three of them here right now. Two are pretty nice, but one is kinda off the wall. I mean, she's nice and all, but I don't really like talking to her. Arg! What should I do?! I played my flute, I exercised, I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this hell hole for who knows how long. I want to go home so incredibly bad. I don't know what to do... Somebody please help...

You need to talk to the person in charge there. I went to acronymfinder.com and I think, from there, that LTSR means Long-Term Structured Residence? If you think you have been unfairly placed there, then you have rights to be let out. Unless you are detained, surely you have the rights to leave?
Best wishes and good luck,
SM

unfortunately, I cannot leave. I am court ordered to be here for up to 90 days. I tried everything I could think of to get out of here. But they won't let me leave. So I don't know how I am going to handle this. I don't think I can go without cutting much longer. I'm having a real tough go of it...

What is there reason for sectioning you this time?

Sorry, but why did they put you in there if it makes you feel worse?

I'm really not sure why they put me in this time. I tried to kill myself and I cut myself a few times. So I went to the hospital. I checked myself in. They said they felt I was a danger to myself, even though I was no longer suicidal and I told them I would do my best not to cut. But they thought they should send me here. I was pissed! I tried convinceing them I'm not a danger to myself any longer, but they didn't believe me. So I'm stuck here...

That is awfully unfair.
Can you describe to me what your daily activities are like? What the setting is like? I am still unclear as to what an LTSR is, in detail.

Sure. We have 5 groups a day. We talk about different things in each group, things like our diagnosis, techniques to deal, and various things like that. We set a goal each day and talk about whether or not we met it. And there is a lot of free time were we can watch TV, build puzzles, listen to the radio. Basically, it's like being in the hospital, only for a few months. And we do get a little more freedom. Once you're here for a while, you're aloud to go on outings with the staff, walk around outside, and eventually, go on passes with your family. I guess it's kind of like a transition between the hospital and going home. They try to prepare you for what lies ahead and get you better. Which is good, for some people. It does help to have staff around 24/7, but I just don't think I need to be here. But that's pretty much what an LTSR is.

It sounds helpful for some, but it seems that you would be better at home. You're not on a section, so surely you can formally discharge yourself?

Unfortunately, I cannot discharge myself. I am court commited for up to 90 days. The doctor says he hopes to get me out as soon as possible, but I don't forsee that being anytime real soon. I'm just praying I get to get out by the middle of March, because my family is supposed to go to Florida, and I will be really upset if I have to miss out on the vacation.

Oh yes, I remember, sorry you are court comitted. I'm being stupid. Sorry Sorry.
Count down the days. Count them down. That's what I did on my section. It wasn't as long as yours, mine was 28. But I was going 28, 27, 26, 25...
March will come and you will go on the vacation.

I sure hope so. I have been here 15 days now... I don't know when to count down to, because I don't have a discharge date. So I've been counting up the number of days I've spent here. That does help some. But I still want to get out. How do you deal with having to be locked up? How do you come to terms with the fact that you aren't free and can't do as you please? And you have absolutely no privacy! Everytime I'm on here, someone else is asking what this is and who I'm talking to. I have explained it to a few people, but seriously, does everybody have to know that I'm a cutter and that I'm seeking help throughthis website?! I don't know. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But I still hate it!

That's horrible. I'm sorry you have to go through it. I was on 2-1 observation (basically two nurses followed me around 24/7) for the first two weeks of my section, and the rest was spent on 1-1 observation. I wasn't even allowed to close the door to go to the loo. I didn't shower for the whole section because I was so embarrassed at the thought of stripping in front of a nurse. They said that they weren't allowed to turn their backs on me. I wasn't allowed outside at all, not even into the closed courtyard. So I know what no privacy feels like. Its something that you've got to just let it happen, and perhaps trying to befriend as many people as possible might help. You're not being paranoid, its reality.

Thank you. That makes me feel a little better. At least I know I'm not alone in having these feelings. There's not really many people here to befriend. Everybody is so much older than me! I feel so out of place. There are one or two people I can talk to about nothing really. But there's nobody I can really relate to. It doesn't help that I'm the only cutter and no one else here as even heard of people cutting themselves... But I get along real well with most of the staff, so that's a plus. I spend a lot of time talking to them because there's no one else.

I can't believe that the people there haven't heard of cutting - sorry but what are they in for exactly. Keep talking to the staff, and make sure that you will let them know if you feel really low. Ideally they're supposed to look after you, so make them do their job. Good luck.

The staff have been pretty ok at helping me. Today will be the third day in a row without cutting, if I can make it through... The negative is that I've taken to punching the wall. I'm not sure if my hand is broken or not, but boy does it help! Anyway, the staff won't give me my razor to shave unless they're absolutely positive that I won't cut with it, so that helps some. Not that I can't find other ways to cut myself. And they keep an eye on me when we're in the same room, but that's not too often. So I don't know. It's hard.

It is very positive that you are not cutting. It is hard. I've had my procyclidine confiscated from me quite a few times at school because of OD risk. It p**sed me off a lot, but it prevented me from ending up in blasted hospital again, so I am glad. Have you tried punching the bed instead? Its actually a lot more satisfying because you can punch the living daylights out of your bed without injuring yourself. Also remember elastic bands and ice cubes. Good luck.

I usually give my pills to my neighbor to hold on to for me because I can't keep them in my house. She gives me a few days worth at a time. That helps keep me from ODing. Until I go to the drugstore and buy a bunch of **** to kill myself with.
The bed isn't as satisying when I punch it. It doesn't send that pain up my arm. But I'll try that next time. Thanks.

oh that sounds rough!
elastic bands are AWESOME they get me through the day (actually i use hair elastics but same difference) - i found ice cubes to be messy and to melt too fast
you can also write on yourself where you want to cut (that always sounded silly to me but i know a lot of people do it)
it sounds like you are in a good mindset - you are actively trying to move forward and recover and stop your destructive behaviors, so you are being a good patient and that should help you get out early!
in the meantime take up a new hobby? read some books?
good luck hun

You really shouldn't be seeing a pain up your arm, it could damage your arm. Your neighbour is very supportive. I barely know mine.

I only punched the wall once today, and that was because I was quite upset. I had a meeting today with some of the people who work with me. Anyway, today is day four in not cutting. So hopefully I can make it. And yeah, my neighbor is real supportive. I feel like cutting right now, but I'm going to try not to do it. Maybe I will try the rubber band.

I cut... I couldn't help it. I had the urge. And then I found a piece of glass lying on the floor from where someone had punched out the fire extinguisher glass. Then all was lost... I just couldn't keep from cutting. Do you know what I mean? When you get that irrisistable urge? When you can't even bring yourself to go to anybody. It was a now or never kind of thing, I guess. I don't know. I don't really know what I'm talking about... I just know I needed to cut, so I did. Staff saw the blood on my shirt, so the nurse looked at it. She said it doesn't need stitches, although I think it may. While the nurse was dressing it, she through my niece in my face. She was saying how I'm not setting a good example for my 3 month old niece (whom I adore dearly). She went into what would I do if I knew my niece were cutting. And what would I do if she found out about it. She's 3 months old for goodness sake!!! And that just was not fair saying those things. That just hurt. It doesn't make anything any better. Then she said what if someone recommended I not be aloud to see my niece unless someone were with me. How rediculous!!! She just really pissed me off...
I'm sorry, this kind of turned into a long rant. But I needed to get it off my chest...

Hey, that was a bit dim of them re your niece. I know how it feels. I too have young nieces and nephews and the mh team seem to think it a good idea to have me picture them crying at my funeral - yea, cause that really boosts my mood and alleviates the gulit, huh. Why do they do that? I know my actions have consequences for other people but do they not realise that when you become this desperate that these things do not help.

Exactly! Thank you! It's rediculous how they try to do that crap to us. It irritates me to no end...

That nurse is just as stupid as my doctor; that means she's pretty stupid. I would have retaliated at her.

I wanted to punch her so badly when she said that... But I couldn't. I knew something bad would have happened if I did. So instead, I went and beat up my bed. It wasn't as satisfying as punching the wall, but it did help some. Now if only I could control all my urges like that...

The fact that you controlled an urge like that is surely great - well done! I'm not really in a great place to be able to give advice at the moment as fighting hospitalisation :blush:

I sorta cut again today. Not exactly cut, though. I scraped open the cut I did the other day. They're checking my body everytime I get outta the shower with my razor, so I have to think of some new, creative way to cut. I stole a thumbtack from the office, so I have that. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. I know I should be using this as a chance to stop cutting, and I am. I really am trying to stop. I just don't think I can. I do my best to not cut, I'm just not that strong. So I don't know what I'll do. Maybe this will give me a real chance to stop, cuz I don't want them seeing any new cuts on me and getting pissed again. I dunno...

Now personally I think that is the worst response. The place you are at is unsuitable; if I were there I would end up back in psych ward, because they are rubbish at looking after people. When you get out of there, please complain about your "treatment". In the meantime, please don't use a razor, not only because of what they would do, but also because it can cause nasty injuries and blood infections.

I just don't know what to do... It's getting harder for me to cut, because they are looking at my body after I shower with a razor. But I don't shower with a razor every day. Only every couple of days when I need to shave. So I don't know... I could always use the thumb tack on places they won't look. They only look at my legs and at my stomach. So I could cut some where else. Ugh! I shouldn't be thinking like this! I am so damn screwed up! What the hell is wrong with me?! Damn...

You're not screwed up, cutting is actually quite a natural reaction to stress. Do they really have a right to ask you to lift up your top or your trouser legs to show your body to them? It sounds a bit strange to me.

I don't know if they have the right to or not. It's really embarassing though... I hate the fact that they have to do it. I mean, I know it's for my own safety, but still... If only there were another way... If only I never lost their trust in the first place... I really hate who I am and what I do. I wish I never would have started cutting in the first place. I guess it can be a natural response, but it's not appropriate, is it? I don't know. I just know I want to be normal and be able to handle my feelings normally. I hate myself...

Don't hate yourself, instead look at yourself and think about how you can take small steps to recovery. Take things very slowly. For example, instead of saying 'no, I must stop cutting RIGHT now, no more', say 'I will cut less deeply, or I will make less cuts today' to yourself. Small steps like this, taken each day, or each week, to recovery, bit by bit, can help.

That may help. I never thought to do it like that... I guess it is worth a try.
Guess what I did? I punched the wall again... I know it was stupid. I just went into a rage, though. My hand is pretty bruised up and I can't really move my pinky. It hurts real bad. The nurse here took me to the ER for x-rays and they said it wasn't broken, just really badly bruised. He said if it doesn't get better soon, I should call my doctor. He was such a ditz, though. I really didn't like him, and if it weren't so late at night, and I hadn't already taken my sleeping pills, I would have said something. I had him before when I went in for something and he doesn't seem to know much. But oh well. I'll just deal with it. The pain kinda feels good...

Pain is not good, remember that. And what you did wasn't a good idea, but I do understand your pain. I understand how you feel. And when you tell people about it, they suggest anger management. My reply would be "what the **** anger ****ing management?"
When you feel like punching the wall, think "look what happened to my hand the first time. If I do this over and over again, I will break my hand. Then I'll have to have it in a cast or a splint. And then how will I go about my daily activities? I'll have to have people help me carry things etc. That's not what I want."

I know it's not a good idea. But when I get in on of those moods, I'm not thinking clearly. The only thing I'm thinking is, "Ok, I'm miserable and I need pain." And either "I'm incredible angry and need to hurt something" or "I'm so depressed I need to cut." That's all I'mm thinking. It's hard to think clearly when I get into one of those moods. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about, cause honestly, I barely know... I'm just so confused...

I cut... I couldn't help it. I was in the shower, shaving. I slit my knee with the razor and said my leg 'slipped' and I 'accidently' cut my self. Staff doesn't completely believe me, but oh well. Nothing they can do about it cause they can't prove it. But I wish I could go without cutting...

So, I did two things that I'm really proud of. One, I gave staff a safety pin I had. I still have a thumbtack, but I took a little step. Secondly, I felt like cutting last night, and instead, I took an ice cold shower. I stood in the water until I couldn't feel my body anymore, but I didn' t cut!!! Yeah me!!!