Feeling awful
 

I am having trouble with feeling suicidal especially at night. I am fine during the day however I think that it's because there's more distractions then. Also its more socially acceptable to make noise/be more active as the quietness is making my thoughts worse.

I have no real problems and I know that I am loved. Yet I want to end it all. I have decided that I won't do anything until Christmas Day as I don't want to ruin the holidays for everyone by being dead. Also i have a cat and i know that is that as long as i have him i won't harm myself. But the biggest problem is how do I get through the night?

I am seeing my cpn on Tuesday and will mention it then. I don't see what she can do.

Gosh I'm sorry you're feeling this low; I know it all too well myself and sometime out of the blue (for me in the morning) I feel very suicidal too.



I'm sorry I don't have the correct words and know how to help you but I hope when you see your cpn perhaps there is something that might give you some hope, but yeah, sometime I don't know what to expect from my therapist and I don't see mine until after the holidays and I expect to be in a numb state of mind, so I guess I get it.



I truly hope you feel better and I know its hard ... a daily struggle.



Try to take care of yourself and you have people here that care about you.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful, Dawn. I can relate to what you're saying. The evenings can be really hard for me too. Keep reminding yourself of all your reasons to live. Does anything safe soothe you a bit? Take very good care of yourself and do all the things that lift your mood even a tiny bit. Do you have good lighting? Sometimes that can help a bit. Keep posting here if it helps and definitely talk it through with your CPN and reach out to other people if you have other people who can listen in the moment. You can get through this.

Thanks you two for your replies.

Lindsay i have a mega bright light bulb in my bedroom
In my living room I have my Christmas tree lights plus my window lights as well as my main light atm. I always struggle with winter as I find January the worst. Twice I have ended up IP in January.

I really don't see what my cpn can do. I doubt that she wants me IP as I have yet to harm myself. I won't have my cat with me over Christmas.

I don't see a future for me right now and I don't see what my cpn can do. I don't even know if she's off during Christmas and duty never answer their phone/call back. Not that I would speak to a stranger anyway. I might ask if my cpn is off if it's OK if I speak to my ex cpn as I feel she's the only person that i can trust. If they're both off I am screwed.

Why won't you have your cat with you over Christmas? What are your plans for Christmas? Try and remember that this time of the year is always difficult for you and that things are not always so dire. I hope you can find someone you trust to talk to if you need to.

I am off to my parents house over Christmas. Due to their layout of their house and the fact my cat is indoors I won't be able to take him with me. Also my mum doesn't like a litter tray in the house. So he is off to a cattery over Christmas.

How do you feel about spending Christmas with your parents? How are you feeling in general now, any improvement?

I am ok with spending time with my parents. No improvement last night still felt awful.

Also had a slight touch of paranoia yesterday. I genuinely thought that people were reading my thoughts. I coped by constantly wearing a hat.

That sounds difficult to cope with. Do things like this happen every year? Have you learned anything that helps from previous years? Are things a bit easier when you are with your parents? Sorry for all the questions.

I always struggle with Christmas. Don't worry about the questions. I find taking prn helpful maybe I should take it. I know that I can be sensible with it atm. Also find doing something creative or updating my blog useful.

As for my parents I find it mixed. Some bits are helpful but I am expected to be social which due to my mh problems I just want to be left alone. Plus I will worry about my kitty even though I know he will be well cared for and recently they won an award. Also my ed always flares up and my dad always critises my eating which makes me more likely to restrict. I struggle with my ed.

Please make sure you do the useful safe things, there's no need to suffer if there are things that might make it a bit easier at least. I think everyone finds it mixed with family. How long will you be with them? Will you be able to take breaks to be by yourself? I hope you can remind yourself that your cat will be well looked after and you can look forward to seeing him once you're both home. Are you better with your food when you are at your own place? I hope it's not too difficult food wise at your parents.

I will be there for 10 days. Yes I do find it easier to manage food when I am home unless I am paranoid. The only plus side is that I don't have to cook as I struggle with cooking a lot. Even though my mh is telling me that it's poisoned when things are bad i trust my mum's cooking. Other people's not so much. I don't think I am going to my aunts house over Christmas which I have trouble coping with. Last year was bad with her.

Good luck with your CPN today, I hope she has some good advice.

Thanks Lindsay.

How did you get on if it's ok to ask?

She was helpful. Said not to suffer in silence and present at a&e rather than od. Or call 111 if she wasnt around. She said people would miss me including her if I was dead. Including my cat. I think that she was saying it to be realistic not to guilt trip me. She didn't tell me to run a bath or make a cup of tea which is good :-D . She asked if I had enough prn which I do. I was honest with her about my feelings.

Well done with being honest and I'm glad she was helpful. Do you think you will be able to reach out if you need to? Lots of people would definitely miss you.

Thanks Lindsay. I had an slightly better night last night emotionally. Felt a bit more positive. Not much but something is better than nothing. I managed to keep myself safe which is the main thing.

Tbh I don't know if I can reach out to anyone if I feel bad mentally. I don't feel entirely comfortable with talking to anyone on the phone other than my cpn because my parents will listen in in the conversation. I don't feel very comfortable talking to my parents that I feel suicidal because they tend to overreact and lock away anything potentially harmful (even stuff I wouldn't use). Which would lead to even more riskier behaviour than my preferred suicide method. I guess that I could go back to my flat for a few days but I wouldn't have my cat to keep me safe but on the other hand it would make talking to my cpn easier. I will see how I feel nearer the time.

Thanks for saying people would miss me. I find that hard to believe atm.

I have been wild swimming. S (the person I go swimming with) cheered me up. Yes I feel suicidal but rn I feel as though I can fight it and will do my best not to harm myself.

I'm glad you were cheered up by your friend, it's often really helpful to do an activity with someone you get on well with. It's great that you have a more positive attitude now and I hope you can hold on to that. You can get through this.

Thanks for your kind words Lindsay.

How are things today Dawn?

I am feeling slightly better thanks Jen. Still feeling low however. Yet to harm myself.

I'm glad you're feeling slightly better

Thanks Beth.

You are really great with not self harming, I hope you can see that and keep up your amazing work no matter what your brain says or how you are feeling.

Well done for managing not to self harm. Still just having the thoughts even when you don't act on them can be distressing so I hope they pass or at least reduce in intensity soon.

Thanks Lindsay and Jen for your kind words. Since I last posted I am still suicidal but as each day passes I feel a but better mentally. I am sleeping very well which is helping with my mood.

When I saw my cpn last she suggested that perhaps I should go back on antidepressants. I am beginning to think that I am depressed and that it's a good idea. I don't see her for a few weeks so I will see how I feel when I see her next.

I'm glad you are at least gradually feeling a bit better and getting a good sleep. Not so good about feeling suicidal though. I hope things continue to improve and if you need to go on antidepressants they are helpful.

Thanks Lindsay. S told me it's only temporary these feelings.

I have yet to harm myself. Chances are that I won't so thank you to everyone who has given their support on this thread. I do feel low and tired but not suicidal. The holidays are hard. Even though I have had some lovely presents. The thought of seeing my cat again is keeping me going.

You're very welcome and I'm glad you stuck around on both the forum and in real life.

Sorry to bump. Basically my dad had a go at me for buying a cat monopoly set and said that i will get in trouble for spending my money on rubbish. But I don't think that the dwp cares what I spend my money on and I think that it's better than stuff i could harm myself with. I feel like harming myself because he's made me feel awful. At the end of the day it's my money and I have enough money for bills. I am not in debt either. He's also had a go at my eating which is making me feel like restricting.

It's not like anyone actually ever improved at anything by being shamed by their relatives. Dawn, it's your money and it's your life and you have the right to decide what you want to prioritise money wise and health wise. Some people don't understand that because the struggles seem simple and easy to solve in their minds.
It's not you. Your dad is old fashioned. If he really thought about the words coming out of his mouth, i Think he might realise that he is not helping anything, at all.
You live your own life, Dawn. And you do it to the best of your ability. And maybe that's not good enough for everyone but as long as it's good enoughfor you then screw everyone else!!! <3

Thanks zurg. You are right in that my dad is old fashioned. At the end of the day it's my money and he would soon complain if I spent on illegal drugs. He says and does a lot of stuff that's not helpful in my recovery.

I agree with Kat. Is there a way that you can try to put the things he says to one side and remind yourself that it's just his opinion? I know it can be hurtful though. How are you today?

I am ok but that's because I have my cat back and am in my flat. So far I am busying myself trying to find homes for my presents and doing some laundry.

I'm glad your cat is back, is he settling back ok? Well done for trying to keep occupied.

No he keeps on constantly meowing. At first it was because he was hungry but he has had lots of food so that's not the problem. He has had tons of fuss. I am hoping he's just unsettled after his holiday and that he will be back to his usual self and routine tomorrow.

I'm sure he'll just be a bit unsettled and need some time to readjust. Hope he goes back to his normal self soon.

My cat is back to his usual self today. So he was just unsettled and voicing his displeasure at being shoved in a cattery.

I think that I will be ok now but I will update this thread when I next see my cpn (which is in nearly 2 weeks time) and also regarding my decision to go back on the antidepressants. Thanks to everyone who gave support you're stars xxx

As promised an update. I saw my cpn and she said that I seemed brighter than when she last saw me. She said that she's glad that I didn't OD because she was worried about me. I explained that I suffered from low mood over Christmas and on Sunday that I was paranoid/delusional. She said that perhaps my dose needs adjustment and gave me a choice of a higher dose or going back to having the depot every 3 weeks. I said that I was doing much better on 3 weekly so I am going back to once every 3 weeks. I explained the biggest problem is my sleep and what I tried with no avail. I never had this problem with my sleep to the extent I am suffering on 3 weekly depots.

I didn't mention going on antidepressants but tbh I don't think I need them atm. My cpn said that a lot of people suffer with low mood during January. I am keeping an eye on my mood and if it dips then I will discuss with her.

Sounds like a good plan there, fingers crossed it helps. I'm glad you have a supportive CPN.

Thanks Lindsay. You are right in the fact she is supportive. Hopefully I will be more stable on the 3 weekly depots. I dont see it as a step backwards but more a positive change. Hopefully my sleep will improve.

It's definitely not a step backwards if it's going to be useful. Things need changed sometimes even if that means trying something that you have tried before. That's ok.

Sorry to bump this but the past two weekends I have been feeling unsafe. I feel as though my mood is dipping again. I would use tv as a coping mechanism but since the storms last weekend I have no TV! I have had to stream stuff online but if my Internet goes down then I am stuffed.

Like a previous post when I am with my cat I can generally not try to take an od. But I feel as though my mh is suffering and that I wanna harm myself in other ways.

I was gonna try and take prn last night but fell asleep before I could take it. I guess I should take it today but idk if I should.

I'm sorry you're struggling again. If you think PRN would help then definitely take it, do whatever safe things you need to do. When do you next see your CPN? I think you're doing really great with your self harm recovery and can continue with that due to your strength and resilience. Remember that thoughts don't have to equal actions and whatever form of self harm you're thinking about it probably wouldn't help in the long run and might actually make things worse.

Thanks Lindsay. I see my cpn on the 6th of February. I am going to take prn within prescribed limits. I think I will send my cpn an email (have the cmht general email not her personal one) asking her to contact me. Or send her a text as i have her work mobile phone number. Obviously I can't do it today as both are only available during office hours.

Those sound like good plans. I hope taking PRN helps for now and you can get in touch with your CPN and have a chat and get some advice.