To tell, or not to tell... Triggering (ED) *UPDATED*
 

I've got a week to decide this...good thing too because I'll probably change my mind half a dozen times during the next week.
See, I can't decide whether or not to tell my counselor about my OD last Thursday. No one else knows, other than you lovely people. I didn't call poison control, didn't go to hospital or anything like that. I wasn't all that concerned about it.
He's the only person I'd consider telling...I've got a meds appointment at the end of the week but I don't want to tell her. The only reason I'm stuck deciding whether or not to tell him is for some reason I remembered the other day the gal who sat in on our first session (he's an intern so I guess it's standard procedure) really stressed that I've got to be honest. Now I've been pretty good about that..but only with things he's asked about. I'm pretty good at leaving other relavent stuff out (like my restricting and purging)...

Sorry. Don't know why I wrote this. Guess I'm hoping y'all will give me a push in one direction...

hey sweetie, I think you should tell him. The girl was right, they can only help you if you are willing to be honest with them and taking an OD is quite an important thing to miss out. I know telling them probably seems really hard but you can do it. They need to make sure they give you the right kind of help.

I hope it goes ok *huge hugs*

Thinking of you
Emma xx

hi there Ally...

i know it will be hard but i agree that telling him is for the best.
much love.
xxxxxxxx

they're right, telling him will be hard and probably quite emotional for you, but in the long run it's much better to do so. Taking an OD is dangerous as you know, and it would be so much better if you could have someone to really support you through this. You dont have to suffer alone.

take care xxx

Do tell. The more they know the more they will be able to help you.
Hugs

*tear*
Never ask a question that
1) You already know the answer to
and
2) You don't really want to KNOW the answer to

Thanks for the advice y'all, I know you're right...I just...
God, I'm such an idiot. I'm...I don't know, scared (?) to tell him...I'm not looking forward to the questions, especially the 'why' question. I don't KNOW why...I needed to do something so I did it. I thought about it the entire drive home from my aunts (45 min)...I think maybe even before that. I got home and calmly did it. Then went about the rest of my night.
And I don't want him to freak out on me or anything...if asked if I would do it again I'd have to say I don't know...maybe...probably. Then what's going to happen?
*tear* just thinking about it makes me want to cut...or take too many pills again :s
How in the world did I get so ****ed up? And why does God make me continue in this life like this?

...

hey honey, I have no words right now I just wanted to say it is natural to be scared and I really do hope it goes alright for you. Will reply more tomorrow.
Take care *hugs*

Emma x

Thanks Emma *half-hearted smile*
Well I didn't OD again but I did cut deeply enough that I should have gotten stiches...am trying to keep it closed with a butterfly bandage and it's a pain in the butt.
Ugh, I'm SO stupid... I know I should tell him... I probably will...but just idea makes me want to cry...and makes me despair the fact that I can't (cry that is)...
Sorry for the pitty-party :s

Thanks again all.

*snif*

Hello Ally

I'm so glad that you mannaged not to OD. I am sorry though that you had to cut yourself. Is it too late to get stitches now if you need them? As long as you take care of yourself.
Sending you sympathy and hugs and some smiley faces :-) :-) :-) .

I know it sounds daunting having to tell your counsellor something that you ususally try your best to hide, but telling him/her could help you so much. You need supportive people around you right now and they can do that best if you allow yourself to open up. Sorry I know its easier for me to sit here and say all this, I do understand. I just would hate for you to OD again when it could have been prevented.

much love
hammy xxxx

Hammy said it so well.
You're not going to freak out the counselor.
Sending a cherishing hug your way

Thanks hammy, Susan. Susan you're truning out to be like my RYL mom ;). Kind of nice I'll have to admit :)
Argh. On top of all this I had an absolutly lousy day at work... Some jerk came through my line (I make sandwiches at the university dining hall here) and was totally insinsitive. I was cuting some bread for him and came close to my finger. Jokeingly said 'Almost cut my finger off, that wouldn't be good'. He said no and then said 'Looks like you've already started on your arms'!!! I didn't know what to say! I just kept making his sandwich and smiled weakly when I gave it to him. I wanted to die!! (We have to wear t-shirts at work so my scars and cuts are visible)
I felt awful...considered taking another OD today because of everything...haven't and probably won't so I don't have to fess up to another when I finally do have another counseling session...not till Monday and I didn't have one last week either...*tear* I suck...I can't believe I've become so...I don't know, dependent on all of this (counseling and the like)...

Hmmm. Twenty four subtracted from 41 equals 17? If I may, i'd rather be your big sister. Glad to be of service. Thanks for that!

What happened to the cat scratch or thorn bush quips? Tell them that while you were on the wet side of the mountains for Thanksgiving that you had an encounter with a predatory raspberry vine? :shocked:

Back in the days when I was working at a fast food place when I was an undergrad, one of the customers told me that I'd had a run in with a cat, right? Yeah, I just didn't tell him the name of the cat.

Is there any chance you can wear a long sleeve T-shirt under your uniform T-shirt?

I've been in and out of therapy, mostly in, since I was 11 years old! Don't worry about being dependant on it. This world is a rude weird place and so many people are clueless idjits.

Hang in there!
Love, Susan

Lol ok fine ;)...gee I gotta find an RYL mom, sounded nice. But, speaking from experience, big sisters can be very close to the same thing.

Hehehe, well, maybe a blackberry bush ;) (can you say 'everywhere'?)? Usually it's no big deal... I mean, it's obvious what it is so most people don't ask...if they do they usually take 'nothing' for an answer...and if they don't I'll usually either just repeat 'nothing', or just tell them (teach them to ask again). But for some reason what he said made me feel just awful...I guess maybe it seemed like he thought it was a joke...or that he was just making such a flipent comment about a very serious subject...ugh, I still feel lousy just thinking about it.
Periodically I do wear a long-sleeved shirt under my work t-shirt...but it gets in the way and can drag through the food so I rarely do...
*sigh* oh well it's not like I'm the only one that's had to deal with the insensitivity of others (Susans stories a good example)...

some people can be so insensitive or just plain ignorant. I dont normally say this about people as I like to see the best in people rather than the worst, but I have to say I have also had problems with my scars on show in the world.

Just to warn, next part could trigger...



One particulary senstive work collegue (in a doctors surgery no less), grabbed my wrist while I was typing and wrenched me around so she could take a good look at the red raw gash that lines the inside of my wrist. I felt humiliated. Even more astounding though was when she asked me 'why have you got a scar there, what happened?'.........words failed me, I mean it's fairly obvious what I have done. She asked me was it from an operation, or was I part of some new cult!

After that I started using makeup to take the edge off, and wore long sleaves when I could. But now I just find it too much effort to do and believe that if people dont like what they see then that's their problem. I do understand though that this kind of stance on the whole thing is a hard one. It takes time to come to terms with your scars and you should not rush yourself. Do what you find comfortable.

Hugs, sorry that you had to go through that at work.
xxx

Thanks hammy, for sharing.
*shakes head*
I don't understand...do they really not know? Is it so hard for them to handle that they can't allow themselves to recognize it for what it is? And if they do...I don't see how anyone can think that commenting on it the way that guy did was appropriate.

*sigh*

hey hun, I am sorry you had a bad day, that guy sounds like a jerk and it was really inappropriate but to be honest he probably wasn't actually TRYING to upset you (although I know that doesn't help). I don't know if they realise what the scars and cuts are, I imagine they do but maybe they just don't know how to deal with them. I don't know and I'm rambling lol.

Well done on managing not to take another OD but I'm sorry you had to SI. Hows the wound now?

*hugs* take care of yourself hun and try not to worry too much about seeing your therapist

Emma x

Thanks Emma. I suppose he COULD have been joking though he sounded like he knew what they were. *shrug* I'd think you'd err on the side of caution though when it comes to stuff like that...
Wounds holding togeather though it's probably the one to give me the most trouble and worry...should have not cut as deep or done it so that I could still have gone to the health center at uni and have them sew it up...ah well, the best laied plans...
Talking to my counselor... *shudder* at least I've got a few days till I have to do that I guess...

Okay, I'll be your RYL mom. I'd be honored to do so. I just didn't want to get too proud or anything.:kiss: Besides, I did start husband hunting at the tender age of 14.

Actually that customer I encountered at the fast food restaurant was being diplomatic. He didn't want to know that (as ugly as it was) it was anything but cat scratches. The wounds were superficial. I can't go into more detail for fear of tip sharing. If I'm to be a RYL mom, I have to set a good example. *giggle*

I didn't remember if it was raspberry or blackberry. I remember seeing them all along those waterfall parks on the Oregon side of the Columbia River. I think here I'd say a predatory cactus. I do understand about the long sleeves. I'm wearing a sun shirt whenever I go outside during the day and I can't say I like it. I like sunscreen even less. Fingerless gloves have been back in fashion too, but I don't know if they would work in food service. I have a pinched ulnar nerve that affects the outer two fingers of my right hand and sometimes I wear a brace for it. I find a fingerless glove covers the brace so all the velcro on it doesn't snag or catch on anything.

It is started to look like there's no point for me to scarify. The cuts I made September 13 are healed but there are still marks. My girlfriend had me get some cap sleeve shirts so I could dress more feminine. I'll just have to watch when and where I wear them. I usually wear twill shorts or jeans and a souvenier T-shirt or an oversize men't T-shirt to fit my broad shoulders.

It's been my experience that people who don't SI or have some addiction just don't understand. They don't see the world the way we do.

Be good to yourself,
Love, Susan

Ally, telling your counsellor entirely depends on whether or not you're planning on doing it again. Are you?
And as far as people commenting at work.... yeesh. It's never fun but as blondiebear said they normally don't have any idea about what it may mean. Best thing is to either just bullshit them (I was attacked by a cat/dog/bear(if you work the humour angle)) or just give it to them straight. Unless of course that would affect your job (have'nt re-registered for awhile so don't really know anyone on here!)
My god that was a lot of brackets.

Yay! *jumps up and down and hugs Susan*
I've got a mom.
Yeah, blackberrys are all over here. My family and I got a kick out of it when a neighber new to the North West talked about wanting to but a blackberry vine! We always try and get rid of them.

Oh...misunderstood your story.
Anyway they guy didn't come through today...I was glad. I'm just going to try and not be so selfconcious about my cuts/scars...it'll help when I can take the butterfly bandage off the one cut...then again it's one of the unbandaged cuts that people have been noticing.

taylordurden... I can't honestly say that I WOULDN'T do it OD again... I've considered it a few times since last week...
I know I SHOULD tell him...I'm just so unsure about what his reaction will be and what I'm coming up with I don't like...I'm scared, I think. If I don't KNOW I'm going to do it... I don't want to tell him...god, I'm so stupid.
*tear*

*Laughs with joy at having a daughter*

A wisecrack excuse doesn't leave anyone else anything to say.

The most difficult things to say and own up to are often the most important. And it is so difficult to do sometimes! With our friends and with counselors. Can you make an outline, two copies of it, so you can't forget to tell your counselor what happened?

I am self conscious about the marks on my upper arms from my last SI.
Last time I si'd is when my daddy-friend told me that his wife didn't want him to communicate with me via email, and he was going to honor her request. I felt so lost that I si'd. When he found out the next week, he wept silently through the entire 90 minute meeting. That is just seared on my soul.

You're not stupid. *Hands you a tissue.* *Tears up along with you.*

Love, Susan

:) yay :) you know, I think I've got the best RYL mom here :)

What a can of worms I've opened :s I think maybe I'll email him and tell him I've got something he needs to know that I don't want to tell him...and ask him to push me to tell him... Sigh, just the thought makes me teary :crying:
I'm sorry to hear about your friend...thanks for sharing though...really.

:crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

Thank You.

Today your RYL Mom is a tired cranky meanie. I did call forwarding for aa last night, 9p-6a, that's where the calls are forwarded from the office to the phone of an aa member, so the person calling gets to talk to an alcoholic. There were only two calls, one before I went to sleep and another after I'd already gotten up and they were both directory questions. But still, I slept light so I'd hear the phone when it rang.

My girlfriend suggested that I wear one of my new cap sleeve tops tonight. I don't want my arms seen, but promised her i'd wear lipstick.

Did you send a message to your counselor? When do you see him?

Love, Susan

Did the calls help those involved though? Sounds like a pretty good deal really, good idea. I'm sorry you're tired and cranky though.
As for your shirt I say do it when and IF you're comfortable. Lipstick, wow, I like, never use it. Chapstick is where it's at.

No I haven't emailed my counselor yet...I've got to do it tomorrow if I'm going to do it in time... But... I don't want to :crying:
I know I should but... :crying:
I see him on Monday, (the third)...sigh and tear.

So that guy that made the crack about my arms the other day? He came in to the dining hall today and my friend who was there when it happened brought it to my attention as well as that of another friend who was really mad when she heard about it. Well she found him after she left work and chewed him out! Asked him if he had said that and when he replied 'Well yeah, it's obvious' told him it was a good thing that he has had such a good life that he's never felt pain and all that (she said it better I just can't remember it) and that he can critisise those who have!!! Made me almost feel good (I'm reall feeling lousy atm), she's such a good friend.

(Let me know if you want to switch any of this to PM's.)

I'm glad your friend was able to explain things to the guy that gave you a hard time.

I'm glad to be of service in AA. It is part of what keeps me sober. The guy who schedules the call forwarding phoned this morning to remind me I had a shift on Saturday. Uh, I travel so much that Saturdays aren't on my list of available days. This week I can manage it though. Then my next shift won't be until January 1-2. Yeah, the calls helped at least one of them. He was looking for a place nearby where there are a lot of meetings and I've been there so I was able to give him precise directions.

Tonight I showed one of the marks on my upper arm to my girlfriend when daddy-friend's back was turned. She said I don't have anything to worry about. I silently nodded towards daddy-friend and she understood. I'll wear one of the tops at the other meeting where I see her.

I haven't much worn makeup since I've been sober. I used to wear it all of the time. My hair is medium blonde with ashy tones, kind of the color of old gold. Then I have pale and pink skin. I'm shy about wearing it but the lipstick is making a difference in how i'm seen by others. I'm getting complements on how nice my skin is as the lipstick is a contrast. I don't forget that I weigh half again what I should but that is only part of my appearance. I'm sooooo vain about my hair.:nono:

Have you emailed your counselor? If you don't, your RYL Mom is going to na-ag. She's also going to suggest that if you don't, you make some sort of outline or list of things to talk about to take with you.

Why are you feeling lousy? *hands you a funky tie-dye pattern bandana*
*wraps her arm around your shoulders as you send the email or make the outline.*
Hugs

*sighs*
If you're stupid, then we're all stupid. So stop insulting us.
:)
I'm sending good vibrations (ooh beach boys) your way.
Personally, I just show my scars and tell them the truth. My real friends accept who I am. Strangers are weirded out. Meh. But I know what it's like to have people be so ignorant about stuff like this.

Anyway, I'm terrible at advice because I talk too much (seriously, I just deleted like five lines), but I really hope that you are able to tell your therapist about what you're honestly going through. Even if it's painful, chances are it will help.
I'm thinking about you!

*hugs*

D'Arcy

Oh wait, I know I'm talking more, but I wanted to say that I hope I didn't infringe upon the conversation between you and your lovely mother...always hate to get in the middle of family time.
:)

Well that call forwarding thing really does sound like a great idea. I'm glad it's helped you and I'm sure it's helped many others as well. Very cool. *nods*

Glad to hear you'll wear one of your shirts soon. I personally am bemoaning the fact that I started cutting on my forearm...leaves a lot of fashion unavailable to me (at least at times like church and home with family as they don't know-though some church folk have came through my line at work and know-).

I'd be a bit vain about my hair too if I were you...sounds lovely. Mines just a DARK brown that right now is dyed black (I like it but I'm so pale that some folks are a bit taken aback). I'm curious as to why you wore makeup before you were sober but done now..? Care to share?

I haven't emailed him yet. I do most things from my blackberry but for some reason I can't compose emails on my campus account using it so if I need to use that account I need to wait till I'm on campus. My BB going to buzz and remind me after classes this morning so I might actually do it.:crying: F**k me. My fault.

Feeling lousy...just part of depression I guess...thankfully my cat allowed me to cuddle for a long time last night...that and a good strong cup of tea helped a bit. *giggles* Yay for bandanas! *ties it around her head and grins*

Thanks RYL mom :)

You didn't infringe as far as I'm concerned. I know this is an open thread.

My whole family is ignorant about the SI thing. My Husband ignores it. My close friends are used to it. My close friends are impressed that in the last year i've finally started to learn to cry again, after teaching myself not to cry back when I was in high school.

What makes me such a great Mom is that I know that the Northwest U.S. is 2/3 desert! And we're in the same time zone. *chuckles.*

So Ally, let me know if we need to nag.

D'Arcy,
Nope, not interupting. I realise that my RYL mom and I are discussing some stuff that might be better for a PM but I am also looking to keep others updated on what's going on regarding telling my counselor and all that...pluse it's nice to get advice from others who maybe haven't replied as of yet...

Um...er...you're wordy? Have you noticed my posts? Lol I never shut up. You and I will get on just fine ;).

No offence intended with the stupid remark...just how I feel about the whole situation.
Yay good vibrations and the Beach Boys :D.
I'm planing on emailing my counselor today and asking him to ask me about it on Monday. :crying: nine o'clock this morning it'll be 72 hours till my next session and 'dooms day'.

Thanks for the support :)

Lol, yes mom :)

As for the makeup, when I got sober I got more comfortable about who I am. I've become lazy too. I've found a long wearing lipstick formula that I like so I don't have to fuss all the time. I have one in a color called spicy sangria, now I need to find one in a more pink wine or berry shade. Ironically as I'm a sober alcoholic that the best colors of lipstick for me are called wine or some such. :hehe: After I teach class today and lead a field trip to the fabric store, I'm hoping to go to Target and see about the lipstick.

I love the contrast between dark hair and pale skin. Pale skin is good, it means you haven't destroyed it in the sun.
Because of the way I used to SI my forearms, it just looks like sun damage.

Our cat likes my husband best. Which to me is a bit ironic since I had the cat for 6 months before we were married. When my hubi and I were married I asked my parents if they minded if I took Bozo cat with me. They retain visitation rights. It's also funny because I feed Bozo every morning. Oh boy, nothing like the smell of tuna glop first thing in the morning.

Tea sounds good. I never learned to like coffee so I drink Pepsi One with breakfast and lunch. I eat cold cereal for breakfast so instead of going snap crackle pop, my breakfast goes snap crackle burp.

Have a good day. Put the blackberry to good use. Somethings the things we have to do are both the most difficult and the most worthwhile.

You're welcome RYL daughter.

I'm wordy too. I type about 20 wpm.
Ally, please what is your favorite color?

Hey, again sorry for butting in a little on you guys (it's so sweet), but I just wanted to send good vibes your way Ally. You really should try and tell your counsellor, when I told mine how close I'd come to ODing once (as in permanantly ODing) I was sure she'd freak out and have me locked up. But I was really surprised at her reaction, I mean she did ask if I was likely to do it again, but then she'd have to, and she did ask it in a way that was more concern for what I was going through rather than just making sure I wouldn't do it again.

If ou didn't manage to email him today, perhaps you could start the session by saying, "there's something I need to tell you but I'm not up to it yet". That's the kind of thing I would do and then when I'd 'warmed up' I'd say something, or if I wasn't she'd normally prompt me.

*sigh* I miss counselling

Sorry, anyway, my mind's all over the place. I know it's really stressful but do try and say something *big supportive hugs* do let us know how it went.
xxx

just wanted to send my love and support for you Ally.
nice conversation youve got going with your RYL Mommy :)
and hi to you too Susan.
much love guys.
xxxxxxxxxxx

Sent the email...:crying: Now I just have to wait till Monday...and pray to God I can actually tell him :-(
Thanks for the good vibes and support all, it's really appreciated. If you could send some about 9:00 am (Pacific standard time, not sure what it is for you all... 8 hours behind y'all across the pond ;-) ).

RYL mom, my favorite color is blue...
what's yours? (Since we're asking :smile:)
eek...gotta go... meds appointment.

Thanks again all!

And just got an email back from my counselor:
"Alyssa, I really appreciate this e-mail. I will honor your request. Thanks, Adam"
Now it's really going to happen:crying:

I'm so glad that you sent the message to your counselor. By the way he replied, he sounds like a good guy.

My field trip was a bust. One of the girls was going bowling and the other didn't want to drive in the rain.

Since I left where I teach, i've been moping and sulking. Retail therapy was worthless. I'm frustrated because I have to redo part of a scarf, nearly a whole skein of yarn.

I've had such a weird up and down day, I think I'll start a new thread.

My favorite color is green, the color of life. Smile back.

How'd the med appointment go?

Love, Susan

Yeah he's pretty nice...
I'm sorry you had such a crap day...what's wrong with driving in the rain? Huh.
Oh man, too bad about the scarf... I hate it when I have to tear out some of my work, especially a large section :s

My meds appointment went alright I guess. She wants me to think about taking a new drug, Seraquil...I've got another thread asking for info about it...I'm not sure about it...everyone that's responded to it said it made them gain weight really bad...and I'm trying to lose it (though not in the most appropriate manner :s), not gain it...I'm not going to find a guy if I've got scars on my arms AND look like a whale...

I saw your post about seraquil. I just started a thread too.

People in Southern California are like cats in the rain. Eww, Ick, what's this? It doesn't rain here. So many people here came from other parts of the country and complain about how locals drive in the rain, that we slow down and don't know what we're doing. Here it rains so infrequently that a lot of soot and grease builds up on the road so that when it does actually rain, it is very slippery. I think it might be like driving on ice, maybe not quite so dangerous, but then maybe more so because people don't realize how bad it is.

Uh oh, wasn't that a rant.

I'm wondering if the problems with the scarf are because my hands are shaking from the meds. The stitches just got tighter and tighter.

I'd wondered if I should go to a meeting tonight and instead I think it is time to break down and start doing the workbook about incest.

I introduced myself to my husband. And I proposed to him. We've been married for 18 years, a good start.

I weigh half again what I should. I don't think of myself as being a whale. I'm a seal with lovely fur (hair) and comfortable in the water and I very rarely get cold either.

On that note, i'm going to put some supper on to cook and check out the first aid thread and vets general.
love always from your ryl-mom blondie-susan

That's a thought about your scarf... When I started my meds I shook too bad to knit...and when I tried to play a harmonic on my violin or guitar I couldn't do that either :s
I hope that doing your work book instead of going to a meeting is helpful for you... Have you got someone you can talk to if it brings up awful stuff that makes life harder for you?
Half of what you're supposed to weigh? Meaning you're underweight?
Seals are better than whales (at one point they were my favorite animal when I was a kid)...I just don't want to take those meds and gain a ton of weight...I'm already teetering on the edge of an ED...

Take care please.

I didn't mean to be confusing. I weigh half again what I should, 150% of what I should weigh. And that weight is nothing an insurance company would like but my nutritionist says it is okay. I'm 5'3" tall. I weigh 240 lbs. Because i'm muscular especially in my legs, 160 wouldn't be a bad weight for me.
My eating disorder is too many carbs, too much sugar. Sugar effects the brain the same way that alcohol does. When I got sober, I started eating ice cream instead, so in some ways i changed addictions.

If things get tough, my husband is home from work. He and Bozo cat are watching a sci-fi movie. I think my (adopted) brother is working tonight, so he will likely phone in the morning when he is on his way home from work. We're not related, we just like each other so well that we decided to adopt each other. His wife is my sister, obviously. My husband is fine with the relationship. My husband is my best friend.

This new round of meds, the wellbutrin especially has caused my hands to shake. I thought it had stopped, but it is coming back some in the afternoons. If this is the price of having the depression eased, i'll live with it. I'll just have to cut out patterns and fabric in the morning when my hands are steady. I'm going to try using a larger crochet hook to make the scarf.

The Elephant Seals near Santa Cruz and near Hearst Castle are awesome!
If I have an animal totem it is the tortoise.
What is your favorite animal?

Please, what is a harmonic?

I'll be good to myself. You be good to yourself too.

59 hours till my counseling appointment... *this is me nervous*

Mom-Susan,
I'll try to be good, how's that? I would kind of like to cut as I think about my counseling session Monday...but I think I'll just turn out the light and go to sleep... *shrug*

You're going to do great! As long as you tell the truth to the degree that you feel comfortable (well maybe not TOO comfortable :)) then it will be successful! I'm definitely thinking about you, and I know you can do it!!
Vibes from rainy SoCal. Dude, everyone's freaking out. Those people drive so damn slow...oh, right....sorry. :)
Good luck!!!

D'Arcy
PS I like how much you talk in your posts. At least you make sense, and it makes for pretty good reading material!!

hey just sending you a big hug

good luck in councilling tomorrow

thinking of you

You know I'll be thinking about you and praying for you, esp at 9am.
Love from your mom.

Thanks D'Arcy,this too shall pass, mom ;)

I'm nervous but I think I can honestly tell him tomorrow that I'm feeling a bit better...more than a bit...not great but... And so it's really not a concern at the moment (ODing that is)...

19 hours and counting :s


PS
D'Arcy, I like how much you talk too...comes across very chaty and friendly :-D

Ok, NOW I'm really nervous... And teary :crying: Damn this inability to cry when I want to!!!
Do I have to tell him? I don't want to!! I'm scared, I'm ashamed...I feel stupid...
:crying::crying::crying::crying:

If you don't tell him, the only one you're hurting is yourself. You'll be keeping him from knowing everything he needs to know to help you. Yes, it is hard to do, as i know from experience. Imagine saying explaining to your psychaitrist that you si'd again after three years free of it.

Besides, you already asked him to ask you. It will be fine.

Gives you a cherishing hug.
Love,
Blondie-Mom

I just feel kind of like an idiot...today I've felt pretty good...doesn't happen often but when it does I doubt the reality of everything else, you know? Like, it's all been in my head, my control, and I caused it all...I'm not explaining it well... Besides, if I'm really feeling better...if it holds then what's the sense in telling him? Not like I'd do it again in that case... I'm feeling stupid...and yet not feeling much at all...argh! This is nuts. It's like last night I was trying to feel something...good or bad I can't remember...but it was there and I was trying to grab hold of it and I couldn't...it was like trying to get at something trapped beneath the ice...you know it's there but you can't get to it...and it's kind of like that right now...I think there's stuff there...feelings, thoughts about all this...and for some reason it feels inaccessable...I don't know why but I'm pretty sure it's my fault...

Good lord I just need to get over it all...