Giving up
 

So a month ago I was raped. Well I told my parents and they said that's what you for partying. I used to have depression but stopped taking medicine and I learned how to cope. But now its came back and its taken over my entire life. I am starting to self harm again because its the only things that eases the ache on my heart. I am constantly having anxiety attacks which is really hard while lifeguarding. I haven't slept for more than 3 hours a night since it happened. I am constantly having flashbacks and nightmares. I'm struggling to eat just the thought of food makes me nauseated. I'm constantly staying dizzy also well as headaches.

I'm so sorry you have been through such an awful experience and continue to suffer because of it. Your parents response wasn't very empathetic, have you spoken to anyone else? I think you need to reach out to someone you trust if you can. You have a lot going on. Keep posting here if it helps.

I have nobody I can trust around me. my mother wants me to move to ohio so I can get help there. but for now I'm stuck and afraid. I don't want to stop fighting but I am tired of struggling constantly

Would you be able to get back in touch with whoever prescribed your medication before? They might be able to suggest something useful, doesn't have to be medication based.

If I lived near them yes. I have moved across the state since then

Do you have a regular health care provider at all?

no I don't go to the doctor at all

Is it an option for you to get in contact with one?

no my dad and step mom don't believe in going to any type of medical professional

You mentioned earlier that your Mum wants you to move to Ohio so you can get help there, is she able to sort anything out for you?

the plan is for her to do my bedroom. while i am trying to pay for me a way to get down there

Are you still having a difficult time with your emotions? Is anything helping at all?

all i have is my dogs to help that's a safe way. i work so much which helps but I'm off for now

How long are you off for? Can you make plans to do something you might enjoy to keep you occupied?

till tomorrow and no because I'm not allowed to go anywhere. normally i would take my dogs and go hiking but its snowing

I hope you can find something to pass the time safely.

i going to try and sleep

Hope you slept well. How are things today?

Ok. I had to be at work at 4am so for now my mind is busy. But I get off at noon.

Sometimes keeping busy with work can be helpful too. How are you doing today? Do you have things to do?

I have my bedroom to clean and to take my dogs on a hike. Plus laundry to fold

It seems like you've been keeping busy lately. Does it make it easier to deal with difficult feelings?

If I go a day without working I have those feelings so it is so much easier for me. And like I’m off is when I have them. Since I have turned 20. I was sexually assaulted twice and lost someone I cared deeply about and than somebody recorded his semitruck exploding.

That sounds like a lot to deal with. Sorry things were so difficult for you.

they have gotten a lot more difficult because my dogs have been shipped off for there safety. But now im pregnant too. Just because of 1 night i got drunk and high

Hey, I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier! How are you? Did you move? Have you got to see your dogs? What's going on with your pregnancy?

I miscarried, I saw my dogs yesterday and I live in a Domestic Violence shelter

A lot has been happening, sorry to hear about the miscarriage. How are you feeling about everything?

I’m numb

It seems like you went through a lot. I'm sorry for your loss. How are you doing now?

I live in a shelter and started doing drugs. I don’t need find the joy of doing things I once loved. I hate lifeguarding now and don’t want to ever go to work because I’m just uncomfortable. I just got out of the hospital and want to die. BEcause of all I found out.

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. It seems like you're depressed. Do you think you could ask for professional help with your difficult feelings?
As for your job - have you considered looking for a different job?
Please remember that things haven't always been this bad and they don't have to stay this way forever. You can change your life for better. I know it might not sound true right now, but it is.

I tried leaving my job and my boss told me I wasn’t allowed because I was a good employee. I could ask for professional help but they would send me to a mental hospital and call my boss which I don’t want my boss in my personal life.

With all respect, I don't think that's quite what your boss meant. I think it's more like they don't want you to leave because you're a good employee, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to. You have a right to choose what's best for you.

I see where you're coming from when it comes to getting professional help. I also refuse hospitalization even when things are really bad for similar reasons - my boss sees me as a valuable worker and has a positive opinion of me, and I'm not comfortable with the thought of him finding out about my personal issues. But turning for professional help doesn't authomatically mean you're going to a hospital. Unless you're a clear danger to yourself, no one can force you to go to a mental hospital.

I have been in clear danger to myself. Which is why they are doing it. I started back with the cutting again. As well as constantly thinking of suicide. But I truly don’t have time to eat let alone deal with a mental hospital. This place can force me into a mental hospital because if they know I’m a threat to myself than they are able to do that