Dead End Men.
 

I really don't want to come back here on about stuff again but I feel very upset tonight.
I was online one night after Christmas on a forum I go on to talk about crap and unwind and I ended up chatting to people about being single. I said straight out that I had had enough of men and the way they act towards me and I was definitely taking things handy in that I wouldn't be looking for anyone for quite some time as I had reached the very end of my tether. Anyway this member started talking to me and I suppose he was very charming and funny and nice. We were PMing each other and I sent him a picture and he sent me one. He was handsome and I thought this seems really good. He knew where I lived from the very beginning and he lives a long ways away on the other side of the country but he did mention once that Ireland isn't that big.
Anyway eventually he asked for my phone number and started texting me and this was going on for a while. He did say he thought it wasn't going anywhere so I stopped texting him but I kept being drawn back to him and connecting with him and he always answered and was really nice. He said he needed me to connect with him before we met each other. So I was trying to be more easy going and answered all his questions even the ones that were a bit sexual. Then out of nowhere he just stops talking to me completely and I waited all week and just there I asked him straight out what his story was and he said that I lived too far away and it wasn't going to work. I said to him did he not know that the very first time he ever contacted me and he was like oh don't make this awkward. To be fair I feel like he led me on from day one after I specifically said I didn't want any men coming onto me anymore then I liked him and I honestly thought we were going to meet as that's the way he was talking.
I am serious when I say I can't take anymore of this. I am on a change of meds and I just want to fall into a hole now. I ended up basically being rejected by someone who had gone out of their way to get me interested in them. I don't know how to cope with this tonight. I feel horrible and alone. I wish he had never come near me. I feel so low and pushed aside like I'm nothing. Where do these pr*** come off messing with my head.
I know people will say oh look it's like something small. But to me it's not. I had got to the very end of my patience and he went out of his way to reject me and objectify me. It wasn't even a dating site. I feel I will be on my own for the rest of my life constantly being rejected by everyone. I want to disappear.

What I am about to write may come across completely differently to how I intend it to come across but please believe me when I say I am not saying this to be nasty or horrible to you.

It seems to me that as soon as anyone gives you any attention you throw yourself wholeheartedly into interacting with them. Then you seem to fall to pieces as soon as they stop contacting you regularly. Or then as soon as they do seem to start contacting them again, you tell them anything and everything they want to know. Which can be slightly off putting/clingy/needy to some people.

I'm not saying at all that you deserve to be treated like this by anyone, but that maybe you need to be a lot more cautious about how you talk to other people via text. You seem to have had a few discussions with him of a sexual nature, which, in my personal experience can put people off because it can come across as you being a bit too keen about things.

Now, I'm not saying it is your fault at all, but just that you maybe need to be a bit more cautious about what you discuss with people you hardly know, especially when you have never met them.

Also, given you have fallen into this trap a few times with men it might be worth not engaging with dating websites etc for a while, you are just going to make yourself feel worse in the long run.

You are right yeah. But I feel so alone that I can't help it. I didn't meet him on a dating site and I told him nothing about myself. I was very careful about this, I never mentioned my health nor my family and it was he who initiated the sex talk. What he actually said was that I was too formal with him, the complete opposite of what you say I am? I don't know what to do. I feel like dirt. You have to get that I never wanted a man coming onto me, I wanted to be left alone and why did he bother?
How do I break this cycle? I can't take it anymore honestly. Thanks for your support x

For some people they think the distance can work and then as the conversation carries on they/you realise that the distance is an issue or they don't feel enough of a connection to make the effort to physically go the distance, long distance is difficult enough with someone who you truly love/ want to be with, so if he was not 100% sure it was probably for the best that he cut it off there.

I think one of the issues is (and I don't want to come across as rude here) that you really crave a relationship/male attention, so much so that as soon as any man starts talking/flirting you immediately see it as progressing onto a serious relationship etc and then when it doesn't go that way you feel rejected and like it is your fault.

I feel that it would benefit you to really withdraw from wanting to date someone for a while, I know it's really difficult to be happy on your own, but until you can stand to be with your own company you will continue to just try and force a connection with anyone who comes along, regardless on whether they are right for you or not.

I don't think this is true cos another member messaged me too asking to meet and I told him no. So it's not any guy. I liked this man a lot and there was a very good connection. I'm not just desperate and I wasn't online looking for someone I just ended up liking him but he led me on, there is no doubt in that. I am not looking for anyone right now, I specifically said this and he knew it so how does this make sense. Thanks for feedback. Also I was a dating site briefly and was asked out loads but I said no to them so therefore how does what you say qualify? If I was that bad I would have met them straight away. Why does nobody see what he did as wrong? Why am I the one who is wrong here. I know all my issues and I feel he should have left me alone but he kept wearing me down.
I am 100% used to my own company as I have no other choice in the matter and I didn't force things with him, I felt it came naturally? I still don't get what happened but to be fair the distance is an issue but we both have cars so it wasn't impossible like.

Maybe he just saw you as a challenge, and once the challenge was "conquered" he lost interest... many people are drawn to those perceived as unavailable.

This could be true. I really like him it's killing me. He is still posting on threads I am on and I am choosing to ignore him. I feel empty and horrible.
I don't seek out men and I accept myself fully. I have had male friends come onto me which I refused all the time. Me posting myself on this forum took me four years cos I thought I was ugly but now I don't care anymore. People can say all they want about me but I was minding my own business and now I am rejected. For the first time ever I don't think I am wrong here with all my flaws.

Forgive me for saying this, but you did choose to respond to him when he contacted you, he didn't force you to respond. Hardly you minding your own buisness when someone contacts you. Plus you have said in past threads tht you would like a significant other and that this has happened before.

That said, I'm wondering what exactly you are looking for in this thread? Support? Acknowledgment? Encouragement?

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem. I'm just starting to get very confused as to what you want from this thread as it comes across that you aren't 100% happy with what people are saying. I could be reading that totally wrong though. Which if I am I apologise.

No it isn't impossible however long distance, or distance in general requires a lot of effort on both peoples parts.

You say not every man, obviously I agree with that but I think that you aren't being as 'choosy' as you could be. I know you have said that you aren't looking for a relationship, but I think maybe what you are saying and the actions taken are different? Which is obviously fine as it's your life and your decisions but I think it's hurting you.

I don't think what he did was right in that he should of been sure and clear about what he wanted from the offset, but if you didn't want to talk/want a relationship then it would've been possible to either just ignore him or keep it friendly without it jumping to a relationship type scenario.

If you tell guys that you aren't looking for a relationship for a lot of them (not all) it can be like a challenge, they want to be the one to break the no dating thing and then when they do get you interested it isn't a challenge any more, so it might be a good idea to just refrain from saying you're not looking/you are looking and just let conversation happen.

I don't know if what I say 'qualifies' I can only give advice/support based on what I see here as I don't know you off of RYL, so you can take as much or as little from my posts as you need/want to.

You say you're 100% happy with your own company and yet it is the overriding theme of your threads that you don't like being alone and that you need people in your life. Again I'm not saying that's wrong, it's natural to want people in your life but I think saying you're 100% happy with your own company is kidding yourself slightly.

It seems to me that the distance probably wasn't the real issue, it's just a convenient excuse to not talk any more and that could be for a number of reasons that I don't think you will ever find out. Just put it down to time wasting and move on.

I'm flawed and I'm going to be alone forever. I hate being alone but I've got used to it. I really like him it's the first time I've liked someone in years. I feel so horrible.

I wouldnt feel so bad about yourself for opening up to someone even though nothing came of it. Sounds like he was messing around but that doesnt mean you will be alone forever. Just that maybe that guy was no good. There are a lot of guys out there and not all are like that.

Thanks for that. Seems he's not that nice after all.

I need to ask? This other guy has started talking to me and said he would ask me for a drink but he might be just flirting. However I can see the original guy chatting up another girl and I feel awful and he basically came out and said it straight and I feel very rejected but I do see that she lives way nearer to him. I wonder am I not attractive enough or am I flawed in some way? Like does she indulge him in the way that he speaks? I feel really strange, I've never been really rejected in my life before this openly and I don't know if I can deal with it.

Well you ask 3 questions but i am afraid i have no information to answer them. The first, are you not attractive enough is completely relative to whoever is looking at you. You say you havent really been rejected before so id hazard a guess you are pretty but i havent any idea what you look like and even if i did what does what i think matter. Second, are you flawed in some way? Well yes, everyone is flawed is many ways but what ways and whether they matter depends who you ask. Third, does she indulge him, probably, people generally do when they want to keep talking to someone but not knowing what they say i dont know.

I know thats not helpful, and its in no way meant to be mean so sorry if thats how it comes across. I wouldnt feel bad if i were you. First guy seems like he wants the quick and easy option so maybe its better he is talking to someone else.

I dont know.

No it's very helpful thanks :)

I feel like a bit of an asshole really about this. I just wonder why he likes her more than me and I have been rejected but in a different way and it's just been a while that someone I have not met would act this way. I've never been this confused. He's obviously playing games to some degree. I need time away from the internet I think. I don't like putting myself out there and being pushed aside. We never really know where we stand with anyone, life sucks. You had some good insight though.

Like you said, you never know where you stand with anyone really, especially online. I think you need to be logical about this: how long were you actually talking for? Would you want to be with someone who treated you with little respect? Will this matter in 6 months?

It is horrible to be rejected and I can relate to that, but I can also promise it will stop hurting. I think you do need to step away and feel more comfortable with yourself before jumping into a relationship as if you're not happy that will reflect on the other person.

You are not an asshole, given the way he has been with you over the past few days it sounds like he is the asshole. I hope that taking some time away from the internet, or even away from the site he is on helps you.

If you find you can't stay away from the internet or the site though, could you block him so that you cannot see his posts?

Thanks x
It sounds stupid but we weren't talking long but I really liked him. He's interacting with me on the site and I don't know why he does this. I'm going to try to stay away from him. All I can think about is him with this other girl and him liking her more than me. I feel very confused and I can't see why he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't normally get like this over people online. I think it will matter in the future, this is definitely different for some reason. The way I feel is different.

Hey lovely,

Sometimes you do feel a connection with someone - the only person who has actually ever broken my heart (or, at least I felt like it) I only knew for a short length of time (less than six months) but at the end of the day, it wasn't right and now looking back I can see why it didn't work out. Sometimes you can't control how you feel about someone, even if you haven't known them that long.

I think putting some space between you and him (or the site he's on) would be the best thing for you. It sounds like you're not going to find out from him why he stopped contact with you, and all you're going to do is prolong pain if you keep trying to find answers or seeing him interacting with other people.

Sometimes, when we give up completely on finding someone to connect with, and someone breaks down those walls, it can hurt so much more than it normally would, and it can feel differently.

However, anything we go through means something, if it doesn't work; it's a lesson. At the end of the day, you can't force it if the other person isn't willing.

I hope that makes some form of sense.

x x x

sounds like a real ass, we have all been there, it hurts like hell, but it will pass, this is men for some reason, it's all a conquest, i wish they could be like something out of a romantic novel, truth is they are flawed, you sound quite young in your experience, treat it as a learning curve?.

I'm so depressed. I don't think my new meds are working. I'm 38 but I don't blame you for thinking I'm young cos psychologically I never really grew up even after a lot of relationships. I don't know why he is still talking to me. I think he is an asshole alright, that seems evident. This is like a mirror to how I feel about myself and it's like a terrible pain inside. I don't think I want any man near me for a long time until I sort my life out. I am too old for this and I should be married by now and here I am on forums like a teenager. That other girl is way younger than me too. Jesus I feel awful. The last time I felt like this I was actually with the person and he broke my heart to pieces. I think if I don't make some kind of change then I will be alone forever but I don't know what to do. I know I spoke about moving before and I still think this but all my MH support is here but even saying that they are getting paid and it's not like they are my friends.
Thanks for listening.

Wherever you move to you will be able to put MH support in place. I for one got so much better support after I moved than I ever would have done where I was.

It really would be best for you to cut all contact with this person - block him on the site or make a new profile that he won't know who you are. All it's doing is making you feel worse while he's able to contact you. Put your MH first.

x x x

He is just a symbol of what I feel about myself. I was in love with someone for two and a half years who wouldn't even speak to me either. I can't take the pain it's like a physical knife going through me. Why is my life so fuc**ing bad while other people are happy? This must be happening so I can look at myself and own up to the fact that I can't stay here. Why does it hurt so much. It's unbearable. I can't even take my meds cos they make me fat.

If you are struggling to take you medication then you need to reach out to your MH team to discuss what they can do to help.

If you feel you can't stay where you are then look into moving.

People become happy by changing what is making them unhappy - nothing in life comes easy. It might look like it but everyone fights for the place they have in this world.

Yes. I am going to write out the pain. At least that's one thing I can do well.
I am taking new meds but will go back to the old ones just until I see the doctor Thursday. I always take meds cos the hospital is a horrific place.
I will look on Daft.ie and see what I can find near a University, not a lot of choice in Ireland unfortunately.

I had to come back here and tell the nice people who were kind to me this update.
Basically I knew there was something wrong with this whole picture because of the things this man told me about myself. Stuff like that I can't connect with people and I'm too formal and all of this which I know due to all the work I have put into myself, is all bull. I talk to everyone and in the past I might have been more aggressive but I have moved past that. Plus I answer all messages and try so hard with people every day and really put myself out there that this made little sense to me.
So randomly I started talking to a woman on this site and I asked her did the other members PM her and did they chat her up etc. It so happened that at that exact moment the same guy was trying it on with her with exactly the same standard procedure he has. I said to her did she want to be the next in line? I have a feeling he tried with me then moved onto the other girl who dumped him then he started on this new woman. This particular person has had a bad break up and I was thinking is there no low this guy won't stoop to? Yeah, he's good looking but the mind games and perving on all these women one after the other is plain disturbing. I had loads of men PM me and none of them mentioned sex or anything, I even dated two of them and they were decent. He's out on his own here with his behavior.
He just goes from one to to the other coming onto them. There I was beating myself up about him when he is the one with the problem. From my experience when you chat to someone each conversation is different because each person is different and thus things move at all stages of alternative relationships. I had to say to the woman I spoke to that he was trying it on, and he would ask for her number and within the half hour that's what he did. I don't know if she is going to try with him but I would hate to see her being treated the way that I was. Yeah I know this is all online stuff but I genuinely wasn't looking for a man and he came onto me wearing me down then he flat out insulted me and belittled me. it's disheartening.
I'm chatting to another guy and it seems apparent that he is normal, that he isn't online all the time coming onto women, he even said he never chatted to a woman on it before and I don't even know if I will meet him but at least I know that it's not me.
The guy who upset me even logged out to view my posts which he let slip by mistake with something that he said so I wouldn't even see him as a profile viewer. I don't have the mind wave facility to even go down this road of thinking and he is a one sicko.
It's a huge weight off my mind that this isn't my fault and I did nothing wrong. I knew there was something messed up with it all.

I'm glad you feel better. You deserve better than that.

Thanks x

Am I wrong here feeling bad? Have I taken too much notice?

I think it was wrong of him to lead you on in that way, though being single isn't quite as bad as you might think it is, but I can understand being single and wanting to be with someone, I do hope you find someone whenever that may be but it's not essential by any means. Anyhow, if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can PM me anytime you'd like

That's kind of you. I was feeling alright till he came along now I feel awful. I don't know why I'm this affected. I feel very hard done by. It is a mixture of my age and stuff I think but I don't mind being single as much as I mind the way that men treat me.