Not sure how to help myself?
 

It's been really hard lately.

I've been quite manic and had a lot if psychotic symptoms.
My cc is worried about me but I keep telling her im ok and act ok around everyone (although she still says i act manic when im trying to be normal).I don't really know why I'm pretending, maybe I'm a bit scared if they really knew they might make me go in hospital/take meds which I don't want.

I've been trying loads of calming things. It's been 4 weeks now and im starting to loose the will to keep trying to stay in reality and not do crazy manic things.

I'm not sure what to do to help myself anymore...

It sounds like you've done really well so far.

If it's starting to get difficult, then surely it would be best to ask for help from your cc before it gets to the point of needing hospital and meds?

Thanks i think i will try and contact my cc tomorrow.

I think im also pretending because I'm trying to convince my self I can cope without services. I don't want to be dependant on them which is something I fear.

To me, the fact that you've been managing everything so well for so long by yourself shows that yiu aren't dependant on them. Everyone needs a bit of help sometimes when it gets too much and there's nothing wrong with that at all.
I completely understand the fear of being dependant on them though.
You could always ask them for reassurance about it. I was worried that I was dependant on services so I just asked someone from the crisis team what they thought and that helped with my concerns.

I feel so hypersensitive. All sound are so loud and colours are bright.

I feel agitated...
I called the crisis line number like 3 times but didn't have the guts to press call.

There's a difference between using services and being 'dependent' on them. It sounds like you've been trying really hard and doing well on your own but maybe the time has come to ask for help? Asking for help shows strength, not weakness. I understand the sensation of sounds of colours being too much, I really do. It means the time has come to reach out and accept support. I think you should press call on your phone and be proud that you have because it shows you are taking control of your situation on your own terms.

If u have used ur box of skills this is the time to reach out

Thanks guys. I contacted my cc this morning and she said she is going to come to my house in an hour.

I feel like the super moon last night curse me. There was something wrong with its energy last night.

I'm glad you managed to contact your cc, I hope she can help.

I had an interesting discussion with the police about full moons the other day, apparently they get far more calls (particularly calls about people with mental illness) around the time of a full moon. I always noticed it on the wards as well.
I don't think it's a curse, but it does affect a lot of people. Maybe something to do with the magnetic pull or whatever moons do.
What makes you think you're cursed?

Apparently it is the same in Emergency Departments! And kids are often a bit crazy around a full moon. I notice I have more extreme emotions around the full moon too. The moon effects the tides so I have wondered if it effects the liquid in your body too????

How did it go with your cc?

Yea it was really helpful.
She said I can contact her everyday if I need to so I don't need be under htt.

She advised me to get out all my work sheets and books from therapy and just go through them which I'm gonna do.

I just have to see how I go. She said medication was an option too but I wasn't keen so ill just try my therapy work first and see how I manage.

Are you feeling any calmer today? I think it's very important to be honest with them about how things are, because they can only help you if they know the truth.

I'm struggling quite a lot.
I'm having a lot if auditory hallucinations and im not sure how to cope with it.

I keep getting this fear that I'm gonna be murdered. I called the police the other night and they came round. I didn't even realise that I might have been paranoia. It was so real.

If you guys have any advice that would he good.

That sounds very scary. Can you contact anyone about how you're feeling - the crisis team maybe?

Does any medication/PRN help?

I'm sorry you are struggling.

I don't know whether this is a useful suggestion but could you come up with some kind of check list for whether the risk is real or paranoia?

Would listening to music or having the radio on help the audiatory hallucinations?

Do you have any support in place over the weekend?

Thanks for the support and advice.
At the moment I'm really reluctant to get the crisis team involved partly because I don't think my issues are that serious and partly because I want to learn to manage it on my own. I don't want to be dependant on crisis intervention every time a potential crisis comes along. I will consider them though if I think there could be risk to myself or others.

I have tried music for the auditory hallucinations but I've found it makes me more anxious because although I don't want to hear the things im hearing I feel like i have to for my own safety. For example I often hear people walking up behind me. If i had music in I wouldn't hear that as well and I worry someone will walk up behind me and murder me or something. A lot of my auditory hallucinations are accompanied by some degree of paranoia. So i guess writing stuff down would really help. I will try that thank you.

I don't have professional support in place over the weekend but my friend is with me all weekend so ill be safe.

I don't think it's about being dependent, so much as asking for help when you need it. And it is okay to ask for help.

I hope writing things down helps and you're able to keep safe over the weekend and enjoy yourself with your friend.

I have woken up in such a bad mood today. I scared incase it turns into a low mood because that is how my depressions usually start.

I have an endoscopy later and can't eat all day so my stomach is empty which I know will make me more agitated.

I feel agitated.
I have so much to do but have no motivation.

I hope you're feeling better now. It might be that you're feeling agitated because you had the test and that was worrying you.

Hey lovely,
How are you today. Did the endoscopy go okay? X

The endoscopy was really traumatic. I was sedated but had a bad reaction to the sedation and became agitated and violent instead of calmer (apparently it happens sometimes) so they had to stop the procedure half way through. So it was really pointless test. I was fully traumatised and they got no results from the test.

I have thought about suicide today.
It's unlikely I'll do anything it's just a thought.
Like "sometimes it would be better if I was dead".
Also having trouble with smell and auditory hallucinations.

Anyway there is little I can do about us so I just have to deal with it and stop being a baby.

I really am unsure about what to do.

I would tell my team but I don't know what they could do.
I mean I've tried loads of meds for 10 years and the ones that help give me such bad side effects that my quality of life is ruined and then some meds has no affect at all. None of the meds prevented relapse.

I would consider therapy but I'd have to pay for if myself because my mh team have offered me all that is avaliable. But i can't afford private. Even the reduce price theraphy.

So i can't tolerate meds and therapy isn't an option.
I have read self help book after self help book and they are ok but it's not made that much of a difference.
I've tried support groups... I just find that everyone talks about meds and theraphy which is fine because it's important to them but it's not an option for me.

I'm litteraly destined to be mentally unstable my whole life until I either commit suicide, hurt someone else and go to jail (where I'll prob end up commuting suicide) or die in a terrible accident as a result of risky behaviour while manic or psychotic.

Maybe some people just are not built to survive mental illness and maybe I'm one of them. Survival of the fittest. I'm just not mentally fit enough.


Can anyone think of anything that might help me that I hadn't tried?

I'm really sorry to hear how difficult the test was.
I think you should tell your team, regardless, but even knowing is better than nothing.
Does your team have a plan at the moment?