I'm so tired and alone and impulsive
 

I was driving home and I bought alcohol because I know I'll need the dutch courage.

Uni goes back tomorrow and I can't face it, I'm already so tired of everything.

I'm home alone for a whole week. None of my family will be here to witness it or pick up the pieces. It's all just me.

I'm wrapping presents for the girls at uni tomorrow trying to tell myself I will go but frankly I just want to drink and then destroy myself. Pills are not lethal enough so maybe I'll search the garage.

This seems like the place to reach out for help when one is feeling so tired of life and so desperate and alone.

Thank you for reading.

I know it's been a little while since I've replied to your posts but I've been thinking of you. I'm sorry to hear that the negative thoughts and feelings are still so overwhelming.

Wrapping presents for people at uni sounds like a fantastic way of encouraging yourself and reminding you that there are good things there as well as the stress. Well done for persevering with that despite your urges. I wonder if maybe you can focus on giving the presents as an incentive to go in? You're being so strong that buying alcohol for courage seems undermining of your ability and determination to persevere with things.

Perhaps once you've gone in things won't feel quite as daunting, and you can focus on rewarding yourself for your achievement rather than thinking about harmful things driven by your current anxiety. If you can arrange anything with peers/colleagues during this week whilst you're alone, that might also help feel more connected with people and positives in your life.

I hope that by reaching out here you'll have some reminders that people care and that you are not alone with this. I know things are really difficult for you at the moment but please try to remember how much people want to help you. Uni is massively stressful and it's normal to feel down about it at times, but it is absolutely not worth killing yourself over. Nothing is worth that; your life has so much value.

Oh Aimee!

I am so sorry you are feeling so desperate! How come you have been left alone for a week? Is there anybody you can stay with this week so you arent alone? What about one of your uni friends?

I am so glad you have reached out here. What is it about uni that you dont feel you can face?

Sending you big hugs, I know I dont really know you but you seem so lovely and dont deserve any of the pain you are going through right now <3

Steph

Thank you both so much, I really appreciate such fast responses.

I think in many ways the tiredness might be helpful because it might stop me from doing anything tonight. But once I give the presents I can't think of any thing else.

Steph, all my immediate family are on various holidays. I've arranged to see my Aunty and some friends while I am alone in the evenings because I know that's when I would struggle most. I just got in from seeing my friend actually.

Shed that's a good idea to make some reward for going in to uni. You're right it might be easier once I am there.

I don't know what I can't face. The people, the workload etc. It's a reminder of all I have to face. And the lecturer I'm seeing in the morning knows how much I've been struggling and I don't want him to, pick up on that or look at me funny and try and work out how I'm doing.

I think it will be overwhelming when I get there but maybe not as overwhelming as it is in my mind. I had a morning class last week only 3 hours and I left in the middle to have a quiet panic in the corridor.

And I needed to have done some reading for tomorrow morning and I already haven't done it all. I've done a bit but not all of it and I'm so tired that it just seems easier to take some pills and go to sleep and wonder if I'll get up again.

But if I don't go in because I'm drunk or sleeping still I'll be in a great deal of trouble.

(The worst part is I've been trying and trying and trying to read all the pages I've had to but I don't have the concentration).

I just want to cry and I'm pretty close to starting to drink, but I think I cna do so safely and maybe just go to bed. I don't know.

Do your immediate family know how much you are struggling right now?

I am glad you have made arrangements for the times when you will struggle the most, that is really sensible and it sounds like you are trying really hard to keep yourself safe.

Is there a welfare officer or student support officer you could speak to at uni? Perhaps you could make appts with your lecturers to talk about your worries about the workload and explain you are struggling and see if there is anything you can come up with together to make it a little more manageable?

I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are <3 I am only a PM away if you need to talk or anything.

Thanks Steph, appreciate it a great deal.

My family know, yes. Mostly my dad who is the only one still in the country so he's checking in via text a bit.

I can't see the uni counsellor because I have an outside psychologist, but I can't get in with her until next week because of being allowed only a certain amount of sessions. I could speak to the lecturer I guess but I don't want to seek it out. I think he's checking in with us tomorrow after class so I might mention the concentration there as a bit of a hint. I don't know, there isn't anything any one can do.

Uni just seems too much and I don't think I'm going to make it.

There is a lot more lecturers can do than you may think. Why do you not want to seek them out? It might be a good idea to pre-empt any issues you may have with the workload now rather than get overwhelmed with it later?

They can give you help outside of lecturers and give you extensions if necessary. My university was amazing when I was struggling, I wouldnt have graduated if it wasnt for their support.

I've already spoken with the head of the year about it last week or so ago, he said they could help out but I just don't realistically think at this point there is anything they can do. I just need to read and attend and one of those things I'm struggling to do and the other I'm dreading.

Class is at 9am tomorrow and I've just got my bed all ready to go into so that is a good sign, but on the other hand I've just told my friend I want her to look after my dog if she needs someone to look after her. So I don't know. I'm tired though and with a heated blanket, bed may win out.

Do you think taking a year out might be an option?

No, it's not something I want to consider.

I've had a few valium so I'll be going to be dsafelly.

Ok, hopefully a sleep might help <3

Be safe!

I'm so glad I took the Valium cause ei just thought of a feasible way to kill myself but I'm too tired to move again bff may pass out into f sleep.

Thanks for being here so do much x

I am very glad you took the valium too hun, remember I am only a PM away when you wake up, or keep talking in here <3

So glad you took some medication and have (hopefully) fallen asleep without doing anything harmful.

Please try to let the department help in any way they can. You're right, there is a certain amount that you need to do yourself in order to get through the course (reading etc), but there is a lot that universities can put in place in order to make things easier for you. Have a think about what your main problems are (e.g. anxiety, concentration, actually getting into lectures) and maybe work with staff to find solutions to each of these.

Thinking of you.

Have you thought of speaking to your GP? When my psychologist isn't available, i speak to my speak GP. I'm sorry things are so bad for you and i hope they improve once you can see your psych.

Thank you all for your support last night.

I tried to call my GP last night but she wasn't in and won't be until Thursday, I may pop in of things don't improve.

Shed thank you I will do that it's a good idea if I can pinpoint where I struggle which I can right now.

Thumbelina that's a good idea thank you for sharing x

It's morning now so I have to race off to get ready but I'm certainly going in so here's hoping it goes okay. I feel calmer and not too drugged from all the Valium (but I took many more than I was supposed to which is bad)

Im glad you are going in Aimee - are you in Australia?

I hope your day goes well! Take care

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier Aimee,

I don't really have anything useful to say, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and I hope you get to speak to your GP soon
xx

Thank you so much x

I made it through uni. It feels even more overwhelming and unbearable now with the constant stream of assignments and reports to do and classes to attend, expectations to meet.

Honestly, I'm staying back because maybe when it is dark and late I'll have the courage to throw myself out of the building. I should have bought my alcohol or at least more valium, cause I know I'll chicken out and just end up driving home but I fucking hope that I don't.

I really, really, really need help.

I feel like I'm not going to be able to get through the semester and I'm trying and trying and trying to be optimistic but I fucking can't any more.

I want to start cutting myself because, why the fuck not?

I am unravelling. Like a ball of yarn thrown out of a six story building.

Aimee sweetie, i hope you can stay safe. You are an amazingly lovely person. Can you tell someone how you are feeling? Please try be around people to stop you acting on these urges.

I don't know who to tell. I can't tell my friends because unless I have professional support it isn't fair. And I'll probably end up just driving home safely, anyway.

I was goingto make a doctors appointment for tomorrow but I hung the phone up. What's the point.

Please try to make the appointment again. Maybe they can help or refer you to speak to someone.

Your friends will want to help. That's what friends are for.

I hope you drive home safely.xx

They can't help me though, that is the problem. And the doctor can't either she'll just worry (again) and call the crisis team (again) and frankly I've had enough.

I'm not going to jump, I stuck my head out and it's too uncertain and too messy. But I might buy another method on the way home and if I do I'm in a fuck load of trouble and I need to reach out but I don't know where else too. My doctor will panic and call crisis. My psychiatrist will put my in hospital. I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want is that. Maybe, I just want to be dead and have all this over and out.

Sorry, just an uncensored sharing of my thoughts here.

Would you feel able to talk to crisis? It doesn't necessarily mean hospital, it just means you have that support, someone to talk through these feelings with.x

I was discharged from crisis so I don't know if they would take me. I'll call again and try, it rang out the first time.

Thanks Lorraine and Dash x
I don't think it's possible to reduce my timetable Unfortunately

Edit: the number rang out again so I'm going to drive home and buy dinner on the way. Probably comfort junk food. Just to feel better for a second.

It's different because I'm in a postgraduate course, so I don't know if they could do any of the measures they would be able to do with undergrad. I know they could extend my assignment due dates though.

I already spoke with the coordinator today and told him I was doing okay but my concentration was terrible and I was struggling to read, and he said just take it at your own pace. I don't want to bother him again, especially unless I can say "I'm struggling with this, and x y or z might help". There's nothing that can help that I want to do (I don't want to skip a year or delay my progress etc. Not unless this continues).

Thank you Dash. I'm sorry I'm not trying to be difficult I guess I'm just feeling pretty hopeless.

I've rung my doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow which I may cancel because I don't think it will help at all. And dinner has left me very full so that helps because I'm feeling lazy now.

I don't have any words, but I hope you feel better soon x

Probably yes. I'm feeling calmer now as I've finally caught my brother (who is overseas) online after a week or so of trying to chat. So that is distracting me.

I just wanted to say that I'm relieved you've got a distraction at the moment, particularly as it's family and you've been feeling alone lately.

I think if you feel actively suicidal at any point again soon (as you did when at uni), you really need to give yourself permission to seek help in whatever form that might be. Even if the outcome is a temporary admission or crisis involvement, it is so risky to imagine you'll be safe just because you've managed to drive home safely in the past. I can understand your fears about opening up to people unless you have specific suggestions as to how they can help, but you are going through a real crisis period. I'm sure those around you would rather you alive and desperate than dead for the sake of not worrying them.

Thanks Shed. I decided if it comes back as strongly I would call a helpline. I admit I have unsafe plans tonight still so I think unless I can be distracted and have it lift my mood aswell [unlikely] I might call a helpline and tell them how desperate I feel. Thanks for acknowledging I'm going through a crisis period, it helps to have that validated.

Thanks also Laurah, hope you're doing okay x

My course is solely research so I don't know how practical this would be for you but when I returned after a break from my PhD I worked part time and built up my hours over a month would this be possible to ease you back in a little?

Could you discuss with your supervisor about what work is more important and what work can wait till you are in a slightly better place? Its worth starting slowly and building up if it means that you don't slip backwards.

I'm glad you've got a distraction and I hope phoning the helpline, if you do phone, helps. x

There is one part I could put off, which is my confirmation of candidature but I don't want to delay it when I am theoretically ready to do it. My research is running in conjunction with two other students so I can't delay it. The other component is classes so I have to attend those and do the assignments to keep up to date.

I feel like if things continued then I'd think of some of these more drastic options. But I guess if I'm feeling this bad maybe it's drastic enough to start putting those cards on the table.

Finished talking with my brother now. Going to drink I think and see where it goes, which is so fucking dangeorus. But I'm sick of reaching out for help before acting on anything. It's not real then and nobody cares.

My friends sent me a package. The card is handmade and says "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think". And a spa voucher inside for a facial. I can't stop crying. They're such beautiful people and I'm sitting here thinking about killing myself. I'm so lucky to have them though and I know that.

Aimee, I hope the package has helped to keep you safe for now.

I'd just like to ask, why is hospital not an option in your mind right now, and also, why isnt taking a year out an option?

It seems like you are feeling really really hopelessly overwhelmed and you dont see any point in reaching out. So I wonder, other than suicide, what you think your other viable options might be?

I hope you are safe at the moment and am thinking of you xxx

Hi Steph, good questions, thank you for taking the time to respond.


I have to attend classes and do research which is why I can't go into hospital. I'll miss vital parts of my course, each lesson trains us for something we will need in our practical careers so for example I might miss a lesson on how to administer a test and then, I'm deficit in that knowledge.

Taking a year out isn't an option because I want to stay in the same group as my current classmates, firstly. There's only 8 of us so we are close. And secondly I think it would jeprodise my future.


You're right, I am. I don't think there is any point in reaching out. But I did make an appointment to see my GP but I'll probably cancel it when they open tomorrow.

So other options viable then suicide are to keep on fighting.

Thank you for answering my questions :)

What course are you doing?

I think continuing to fight is definitely a good plan. Please please keep your GP appt, you never know how helpful it can be until you go, and if it is unhelpful at least you have tried! Maybe they could refer you to the crisis team?

Do you finish uni in October after exams? I really do think you should go on some sort of mini holiday as a reward for getting through everything.

That's a good idea Andrea except my research is all year round.

I will keep the appointment because I'm drinking so I should see her but then if I tell her I'm going to get in trouble.

This should end now because it's not going well

Last time i did this o swallowed so much alcohol I don't remember anything but it's not this bad this time so it won't Fucking work and just when I worked yo the courage. What do I do? I'll go to sleep I think

Iknow I'm going to wake up and I hate that

Please sleep rather than drinking more Aimee, the more you drink the worse you will feel

I need to be in bed or I need to call a helpline but they'll probably call an ambulance that's not what o want I need to be drunken I can't find my help libe numbers ???????

Can someone fine a crisis line or kids help line maybe in Australia? The #?

This shit.
This shit will run my life I and soul f end it before it gets its chance

I will find one for you Aimee hang in there, please dont drink anymore

13 11 14

It is a 24 hour service, please call them!

I just need to depress my central nervous system m I think we have lifeline which is free from mobiles.

Our I could just sleep. Maybe that's best because this won't kill me I know because in still too cognitively aware

Buy they may send an ambulance and I don't want to be waiting in hospital. Maybe I won't mind so much being drunk though. Sick people scare me

You've been an amazing Thank you

I dont think they will, not if you dont tell them where they are, it is confidential.

Please call them Aimee, I am really worried. Have you taken anything other than alcohol?

I think the best thing is to sleep now and see your gp tomorrow.

Valium but not much and I'm onto my antidepressants now. I'm hoping for a cardiac arrest