I fecking hate depression.
 

I hate the way it runs your life
I hate the way it makes you act
I hate the way it makes you believe it
I hate the way it makes you lose control
I hate the way it makes you think what it wants, not what you want
I hate the way it makes you blame yourself
I hate the way it makes you hate yourself
I hate the way it stops you feeling anything else
I hate the way it sucks all the energy from you
I hate the way it alters your perception of others
I hate the way it gets in your head
I hate the way it takes over everything
I hate the way it changes what you liked before it came along
I hate the way it changes everything about you

But most of all, I hate the person it has made me while taking all strength and will I might have had to go back to the old me. I hate that I see no way out of this even after fighting it for so long. I hate that it's easier to just give in than spend years fighting my ass off to not get any further away from it.

Just wanted to leave many hugs.
I don't understand your situation, but I do understand what you've said, you have a real way with words.
*Hugs*
I really hope you do continue to fight - the sun is always there, always shining, it's just sometimes hidden by clouds.
Sounds like you're pretty exhausted of the fight though at the moment - I hope you have some support around you to help you have some respite. Look after yourself, treat and pamper yourself - sounds like you could do with it. And I think it's really great you've been able to express yourself as above. Hopefully by doing so, you can release it from your system, kind of cleansing in a way? And hopefully if you can give yourself some rest, you will gain some more strength?
Hang in there. xx

I can relate to this. I don't have anything useful to add but I wanted you to know that I care.

Although it's hard, try and remind yourself that depression isn't everything you are, even though it feels like it is.

Can you talk to anyone in real life about it?

x

Wow, I can relate completely and 100% to every single thing you said. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling (I'm the same) and I want you to know you're not alone.

I'm here if you ever need to talk xx

Thanks guys. It really does mean alot that you took the time to reply or leave a hug. I don't have any support, long story, but yeah. And yeah I am struggling to see that theres more to me than this, but it's really hard to see that almost all of the time :/

Hi,

Sorry you are struggling.
My friend told me that if you are struggling then it shows that you are also recovering because a part of recovering is to struggle - I find depression hard to deal with loads of times but when my friend told me this it made the depression a bit more easier to deal with.
*Hugs*

Love From Meera xx

I hate the way depression makes me prone to making bad decisions..... and then makes me feel depressed for making such bad decision.... and then more depressed because I have to live with the consequences of making bad decisions....

^^^ Agree!

And thanks Meera, that does make it a teeny bit more bearable! :)

I'm pleased that my message made it a teeny bit more bearable.

Feel free to speak to me any time.

Love From Meera xx

Dear my shitty crappy head that just lets depression in whenever it wants to be there,
Wanna just **** off and either stop it or stop even trying to put up a fight and let it kill me?? Im pissed off with living in the crappy in between where I have to work 10 times as hard just to live a less than average life! I wanna either be the real me and do what I want to do, or just ****ing die!!!!!
To say im fed up of this is an understatement. I'm past ready for it to finish, I'm done with it so **** OFF!!!!!
Thanks,
The idiot who is too weak both fight it and end it

Hi, my smile is fake...

I feel the same way you do....... too afraid to live and to weak to die...

I am sitting here alone in a University Libraray... trying not to give in and let this thing (depression) take away my life.... I am finding it harder and harder every day to live with this thing......

I saw your post and even though I feel so afraid out of control I just wanted to say.... dont give in...keep fighting it... I know this sounds contradictory to the way i have just described my own feelings..... it is.... perhaps by urging you to keep fighting your depressioin i have been able to distract myself from my own negative feelings... at least if only for a while.... so I can survive if only for another day...

look after yourself......

P.S

sorry about the spelling as well as being a world class loser i am dyslexic as well....

I feel like this so often. You put it into words so accurately.

I hear every word of that. It is what I too go thorugh everyday and hate it and wonder how on God's earth do I get out of it. I wish there was someone who would just take me hand and walk me out of it. I would give anything to have the old me back. Thank you for sharing how you feel, I now know that I am not alone. ((( Hugs )))

I'm done. I can't see why I fight just to continually be knocked back in almost every aspect of my life.

Going to work and keeping up with my uni course (which is 9-5 every day and we also have like 14 deadlines for the next two weeks) is hard enough. But when I'm already struggling just to get out of bed, to stay in a lecture without crying or needing to run out it's just too much!!

I'm ready to give in.

I've never seen myself as an actual adult anyway so it's not lie I've all of a sudden stopped seeing my future, I've never seen myself much older than I am now. So why do I keep trying to live.

I wish I could just get a break from my head just to see if I do like life or not. But thats not possible. yay.

Sorry, needed a rant. Just ignore this.

I'm an old git and still struggle with thoughts of the future and that I'm supposed to be an adult. I think it's a very common worry, so please don't think that means it's the end.
Can you speak to someone in student services at your uni? They may be able to help ease your work load.
Never apologize for needing to rant. You clearly need help and support just now and that's always okay.

Thanks :)

I am speaking to them at the moment (well as in, I'm seeing a uni counsellor). But I don't know, uni currently had at least 5 exams/ hand-ins til christmas then its our big exam then we are on placement so extensions wouldn't really help that much.

But wow, life is a bitch. Uabnfcijdnsajkgbfvhadonjhfdkla

hugs. have you tried anti-d's to see if they help take the edge of it? have you seen your gp?

hope it gets more bearable soon.

xx

Keep talking to the uni, tell tutors, you will be surprised, but maybe they can give you a bit of time ore help.

Assign yourself time where it's YOU time. No uni work, but just relaxing things and things you enjoy. I can't stress this enough. It's amazing what a little me-time does for our well being.

Maybe seeing your gp might be a good idea.

thanks guys

I have tried anti-d's but the side effects were worse than any help they were giving.

I've had to speak to uni about stuff, more cause of physical issues rather than MH, and they are being arsey about that, so I cant even imagine what they would say about MH. But on the plus side, I said alot more than I ever have to my councellor yesterday. Still don't know how i feel about it, but I did it. so yeah.

Just urgh, i would love a break right now.

OH hi,looks like I'm back.

**** **** **** ****. Why can't I just die? Fighting this is so bloody hard, and why? Why do we try to fight it? What is the point? As a person Im not happy, so its not like living is fun for me. As a friend, well Im pretty **** at that, so again me being alive doest really benefit there. As a job, who is to say I will be able to turn up every day, and actually focus on whatever my job is? On society as a while, MH is such a drain on it! So why. why should i bother?

It's f***ing hard to fight it every f***ing day. To wake up and make myself get out of breath, to take my next breath, to not cut so much that people notice, or I "accidentally" cut too deep. Why? Why do I even try?

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Hi :)

I'm sorry things are still so difficult for you. It sounds like things are really distressing right now.

Has anything happened lately? x

Not really. I struggled at the start of summer and just havent managed to get out of it. Why the hell do people try so hard to get away from mh, and get "better". Nothing can be worth enough to fight this hard for!

I just want to say I can hear you. Depression is so horrible I can't even think of a word nasty enough to explain how horrible it is.

I also want to tell you, I have been there. Felt the knock backs, having zero hope, no self esteem. Spending every minute of every day either wanting to die and hurt myself to constant suicidal thoughts. I never thought I would be where I am today. Currently backpacking through Europe.

I have been stable for a good number of years, minus the odd blip. I have travelled, met wonderful people, seen beautiful things. Worked awesome jobs. Life is worth fighting for, there is so much to see. It is truly beautiful. I know it probably doesn't seem like that right now. But keep going, embrace the positives of your days, no matter how small and fight for recovery. You will get there.

:crying:

This is too hard! What the hell do I have to do to end it all?
What is the point in living this life? Just to get out of bed and keep floating through each day and ultimately achieve nothing.
What do good grades matter?
What does a good job matter?
What does being healthy matter?
What is the point in keeping going?

Why is it always to bloody hard!
Why is it hard to get out of bed?
Why is it hard to get dressed?
Why can I not get help?
Why don't I have the guts to just let it straight out win?
Why can't it all just change.

I hate the way it makes me lie
I hate the way it stops me talking
I hate the way it won't trust anyone
I hate the way it reminds me how s**t I am. Always
I hate the way it makes me second guess
I hate the way it makes me feel everyone and nothing
I hate the way it doesn't let me show I'm struggling
I hate the way its so confident it will win
I hate the way it will just make me one more statistic
I hate the way I no longer see the edge between it and me.

But I also can't imagine me without it.

Why am I still fighting this?
Why can't I just be strong enough to lose?
How long will this go on?
Is there a better?
Do you ever actually recover from this ****?

What if theres not actually a diagnosable problem with me?
What if this is not mental health ****?
What if this is just me?
Complex PTSD? Aye ok. Maybe help me try to treat it then?
Why does taking medication have to be the bench mark on how much you want to recover?

Why when friends try to help me, do I push them away?
But why is support something I want?
How can I want none and both? Dialectical. Ok. I see you. But you're ****.

I don't give a rats arse anymore.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew how to help. People do recover. Keep fighting and reaching out for help.

Why can't I talk to the one person I trust, and gets me, and has not forced treatment on me, and is patient, and understand, and wants to help, and want to support, and wants to give me control?
But no, I freeze, I lose all control of my body, and just sit there unable to do what she says. Unable to move, unable to relax, unable to concentrate. I get annoyed at myself and I worry it comes across as being angry at her. I don't want to upset her. She's brilliant. The best psych ever.
But now she's away on training for 2 weeks. And Im scared I can't do this. Im scared I let her down. Im scared I've left it on **** terms and thats her now away for a while.
I wish I could be open with her like I was. But I know now its got to the point she has to tell other people if I were to tell her everything. And the people she has to tell are terrible. They just make me feel worse.
When I do see psychiatrist she's going to use this as another reason I HAVE to go on meds. But thats a whole other conversation.
Why do I have to be so ****!

Psychiatrists are used to the different reactions of people. She'll have seen plenty of people freeze up and she won't think badly of you for it. It would be good if you could tell her everything that's going on, and I do understand how hard that is, but it's important you get the proper help you need.

She knows most of it. I just can't tell her that I have overdosed this last week (she also didn't ask so its not like I lied to her) and I can't tell her I still want to. Cause then she has to tell CMHT or crisis team. And they are genuinely alongside THE worst people I've been seen by. Last time after seeing them I self harmed worse than any other time. So I just don't want to be seen by them.

And my psychologist is amazing. But I only see her cause she's private (NHS is useless!!) so she's not got a team round her to help me. So the next step is to not be seen by her, and see NHS team instead which means not working, and they are the shitty team that don't get it at all.

Sorry. I'm just really struggling at the moment.

Crisis is a difficult one. I've had very bad experiences with them, but I've also had very good. You may well end up speaking to someone who will be helpful. The last time I was in contact with them they helped me get through a bad time. There was still the frustration when they suggest distractions, but they did actually help me and made me feel like I wasn't wasting their time.
You may need to be checked over after overdosing, as I'm sure you probably know, so it's important to admit that to your psychiatrist.
I'm glad you have a good psychologist. Keep talking to them.
There are also helplines like the samaratins and I know your are in Scotland , so there is breathing space also. I've never phoned breathing space but their number is usually on the wee card of contact details the cmht gives you. There is also here. Keep posting here and reaching out for the support you need and deserve.

Again. Thank you!!!
My day started off bad. Luckily I was working with the one person who knows about my head and gets it as much as someone who hasn't gone through it could get it. So She said it was ok to come in late. And she pretty much let me do minimal work and just sit in the corner and keep me safe.
Then I built up the courage to call CMHT and just say I'm not ok. She was actually really good. Obviously I wasn't 100% honest with her, but she seemed to get that me taking time off makes me worse. I need routine and busy. But just her asking the correct basic questions and not expecting anything from me helped a little.
Then I'm just back from the gym. Gym endorphins are THE best medication anyone could wish for. So I'm starting to feel a little more in control of me. I'm still not "good" or "ok". But I'm here. I'm aware. And I have physical col of me, mostly. No more tight paralysis. So I'm hoping this being back to work after the holidays and in a routine is going to help (hoping, cause thats all I have that may help)

That sounds positive. I'm glad routine helps you and that you have an understanding work mate.
It's good the cmht were helpful, so now you know that phoning them is always an option.
Well done on going to the gym. That can be hard to do when feeling so low, but it has obviously done you good.

Thank you. You guys made making the call seem less impossible and more just scary.
So THANK YOU!!!

You are very welcome lovely. You've been really brave.

I'm not feeling great atm but please know that I read your post and know how you feel. I hope you can get some support and start to feel better soon. Take care *hugs*