Feel So Odd UPDATED
 

And I can't even describe it, not really. not high, and NOT depressed. Cut not right... I think I will die soon and I don't know why and nobody gets it and I've started wearing make-up like some people wear undergarms for the ambulance people and I feel alive but it's a bit crazy I want everything to be perfect get the essay grade back on Fri and I didn't eat or sleep for that essay it better be ****ing good all my thoughts are this long sentence but what does it mean when there's an achey bit behind???????

and whyyyyy would i take up smoking? idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm having a hard time following what you've written but I hope it did help you to write it out. If you've barely begun smoking then now is probably going to be the easiest time to quit. Sounds like you've got a journey ahead of you so I hope you don't give up.

I don't know how to explain. I have radically overhauled myself. Image, behaviour, everything. Needed a change. But I feel like dying. And I am not depressed but I don't know what this feeling is. A toppling. Confusion. I was bored of myself, so I changed it. I betrayed a friend last night, to try to keep her safe. I wish I hadn't but maybe I'm glad I did.

And someone said to me:
You like hurting me.
Because you know I won't hurt back.

And i feel a tiny bit sick, in case it is true.

and time keeps skipping beats.

Hey Hun,

I know this is old but I just wanted to check in... My best friend in all the world said these exact words to me a week back...I just wanted you to know someone gets it

xxxxx

Wow- Slip, Im sorry that your friend said that to you but kind of... pleased that you shared it. It's a horrible thing to hear. What did you think about it?

I'm okay, emotionally, feel pretty okay (emotional but steady, safe). But in my head things are still wrong. I'm scared of things. I know but can't be sure that not all my thoughts are quite right.

& thank you, for checking in!!

& oh god i just want a drink so badly that i can't focus.

I hear ya - but it messes with my new meds more than the old :)
I think...I think if he hadn't been drunk he would never have said it, he probably doesn't remember saying it & would never say it sober. I will never tell him he said it....I will never discuss it with him & it was one of the two things that were said to me that night that made me this ****ing numb.
I deserved it by all accounts, dont get me wrong but when i was the evil **** from hell I completed dissassiocated so have no memory at all unfortunately this is what I remember....so thats where I am.

Huge hug Slip.

My friend said it sober. She meant it. But yes, I deserved it too.

Hallucinating, still. This is really ****ing ****.

I'm sorry darling...if there is anything I can do just PM me xx

Thanks! I am feeling so wrong- I'm well, for sure- but I am feeling watched again and it makes it hard to do anything, it's uneasy making, do you know what I mean? It's horrible... I hate this city.

· I know how irrational I’m being, but that doesn’t help me stop it. & I feel OK, my mood’s OK, but this stuff is really getting to me.


· I have a fear of bumping into people. It makes me not want to go into town, or into the English office, or even just go out sometimes. I don’t go out at certain times, like lunchtime (people more likely to be around campus) or 4 (people more likely to be finishing last class of day).



· Once I’m inside certain places I feel OK: home, the library (4th floor), the gym. But then I don’t want to leave because I feel less safe outside.


· Wherever I am, I have this really horrible feeling of being watched. It’s a really close kind of watched. I sometimes feel as though I’m being watched from inside myself, as though someone is actually inside my thoughts with complete access. It is nearly constant. It makes my thoughts odd.
· This is actually worse at home/ around my home/ campus (but less in the library, or bars, or the uni shop, where I nonetheless fear bumping into anyone).


· I’ve been having massive difficulty concentrating. Every time I manage to read a sentence undistracted, I suddenly think Hey, I thought you said you couldn’t concentrate and then feel guilty, as if I am duping the DDSS, or lying to myself, or don’t deserve extensions or help.


· All these things make me really, really want to drink because it’s the only completely self-absorbed thing I can do and it’s the only thing that seems defiant in the face of being watched. And it blots it all a bit. It’s too easy.
· I feel see through.
It’s horrible.

Hey there. You might find it helpful to stick to one thread, because I don't know about others but I find it really hard to remember what's happened unless it's all in once place, and it get's confusing otherwise. :p

It sounds like you know you're being irrational at the moment. Do you know what's causing it? What's making you feel unsafe?

Drinking really only helps for a bit. Long term it's causing you more problems, just like self harm.

Hey, Im making this my one thread... :)

So tired...

god I feel ****t

I am so low.
Need fake before I see Care Co-ordinator, can't cope with being down.

Been IP again

Are you home now?
The stuff about not wanting to bump into people, feeling fake if you manage to read a sentence; only feeling safe in certain places and knowing that you're being irrational but still being unable to stop it is familiar to me. I also feel self conscious as if people are looking at me and thinking what a loser or weirdo I am. What I'm trying to say is that you're not on your own.

Thanks for your reply.
I'm home- I had started to be delusional, I think. before I went in, convinced my MH issues were caused by some superior force... Glad I went in I guess, ,regulation....

I'm sorry you ended up IP again. Are you feeling better now?

Yeah. I am quite scared by how ill I must have been, because at the time I genuinely thought I was seeing with absolute clarity

That's the thing isn't it? It seems so real.....but you know on some level that its not. Glad that you got help in time.
You're right being mentally ill is scary. Our thoughts, perceptions and feelings are so basic that if they start to go screwy things get messy very quickly. But help is available - even if it isn't perfect!

Thanks xx

I found notes all over my room about Last Rites and copies and copies of a poem I had got obsessed with

It's not pathetic and I'm sure nobody here would laugh at you.

It must be very distressing to feel so low and to have the nightmares. I have heard of many people experiencing the same as you, bed-wetting when having nightmares.

Sending you hugs x

I feel like overdosing.
Don't know WHAT is wrong with me this year but I know I'm close to it again.



help

p.s. noodle, sorry, thanks for replying, deleted the other message couldnt deal with it being up there.

SICK of this.

Hi there. Are you still IP? It may be worth calling an our of hours number if you have one, or going to A&E.

Im out... Bought pills. Havent taken them but have now formulated a more serious plan for next week.

I should do something about it... Tell someone or something.

The thing is, there *are* things I want to do next week. Not at a total dead end just yet. But I am Thinking Very Clearly and that's a dangerous thing.

Another miniature OD

Please reach out for help. Can you try go to A&E?xx

I have only taken somel,
Just I did the same last week

Honey, can you edit the numbers out please?
I would say that given your weight, you particularly need to get treatment urgently. Overdoses in those who have a risk factor (like being underweight) can be more serious. The fact you did it last week too means that your liver/organs are probably already struggling.

It might not seem bad right now, but they do have long-term consequences. I think it would be a good idea to go to A&E as soon as possible.

Yeh, but if could still harm you, which is why you need to get it checked out. Paracetamol can really do a lot of damage, especially to the liver.

Please reach out.xxx

...I got help. Feel like an absolute idiot but trying to write my way through it. (Have a peek at my Recovery blog, views make me feel good...)

I'm so proud of you for getting help. I know it couldn't have been easy. I've been there and know how humiliating it can feel, but you did the right thing.

Writing sounds a good plan. I will have a wee peak at your blog.

If you ever want to talk, vent etc, then I'm only a pm away.

Lorraine.x

Thanks so much :) You've been really supportive & I appreciate it. Same goes for you, if you ever need to talk.

I feel self-harmful but can't be bothered doing anything about it- I guess that's a good sign.

Bec

I hope you can fight the urges and take care of yourself.x

After a great deal of faffing, it has become clear: I have to intermit until January, rather than September. Further, I am waiting for the university to write me a letter before I can even put my ESA claim through. This has become genuinely exhausting- I am down to my last £5, I have only a month's rent left, I have nothing to do until January. Despite my positive post about how doing "nothing" rarely means just that, I suddenly feel at a loss, unthreaded. And it occurs to me how much I hate being unwell. I've never hated it so much. It's always been there, waiting, shadowing me. It's always been known to jump out at me. I've always resented it. And I've hated myself for it. But I've never felt this rage, this urge to turn to it and say YOU. Are ****ing up my life.

I'm sorry I don't have the words but I'm sending big hugs your way.:hug::hug::hug:

Hey Hunny - just wanted to let you know I've read & I'm sending you massive love!!! xxxxxx

Guys...
THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER!
i feel very surprised.

Bec, I'm so glad to hear this.xx

Thanks! It is so good- I ran out of money (bad) so had to stop drinking (good) which felt horrible (bad) but is making my medication work so much better- GOOD. I am realising a lot of things about myself in my "normal" state and some of them are good things... Which is nice.

Reading this has made my day. Take care.xx