So not good... *si warning*
 

Don't really know why I'm posting here. Public whine maybe? Dunno. But here u go.

Have had a majorly **** week. Got my period again. Pretty much given up on getting pregnant but it kills me a little more each time it doesn't happen. A few of my friends are having *accidental* babies and I kinda hate them :( happy for them but hate them... Gp is getting involved now. Testing partner first then me. :crying:

Cut the other day. So pathetic. Had worse from the cat. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up with stitches before the week is out... Yeah.... It's all so ****. I'm falling and I'm gonna splat soon when I hit the ground.

Not good. ****.


(and ****ing stalker asswipes, if you're reading this I hope you go **** yourselves. Don't know how you could be related to my man cause you're soulless harpies)

Oh honey *wraps you up in a massive hug*

Im sorry you are feeling so shitty. The getting pregnant an having a child is a massive thing for you. There could be any number of reasons why it hasn't happened yet. It does not mean it never will though. Even stressing about getting pregnant could make it less likely you will conceive. Your doctor is on it now. Hopefully he will be able to find out if there is a problem and take it from there. Small steps honey. You are still young.

Is there anything else that is bothering you and making you want to harm? How is cutting going to help?

Try and go to bed now jess. Text me anytime you like xx

It just sucks. Probably not happening cause I'm a fat heifer :( its just another fail. I'm just a giant fail. :( everything bothers me at the moment. Absolutely everything. Argh. Gonna sleep

JESS!!! *jumps on and gives cuddles* You are not a giant failure. You getting pregnant will happen when it does!

Thanks Caitee :) feel a bit better after sleep

The dr's told me I was too fat and my pcos made me not ovulate, but it wasn't true and at least double your size. I know how it feels when you are trying and it doesn't happen, matt and I were trying for a 3rd for 8months before he suddenly left me. See what the dr has to say x

Matt's an idiot for leaving you. I hope you know that.

Bad bad bad. Things are getting worse. I have bad plans in my head. :crying:

You need to tell him or call your crisis team Jess.

I see my counsellor today at 3. Got hardly any sleep but holding it together so I can babysit my goddaughter. She's one and such a handful. But worth it. If I can get through that I can hold on for another few hours... I think anyway....

How did it go with your counsellor honey? Loves you lots like jelly tots xx

Yeah went okay. She's a bit concerned but not much she can do. We talked about trying to break the day into small chunks to manage. I told her I don't know if I can be bothered. She said to try. I told her why bother.... *shrugs* She's asked me to fight the urges as much as i can and hope they'll pass. I dunno. I don't know if I care! My ankle is sending shooting pain up my leg as I walk and I keep wondering if I cut there badly enough will they look and try to fix it? I dunno. who ****ing cares.

Sooo found out you can't dig metal out of an ankle... Stitches. Oops

Oh Jess.

It makes me sad to read this. I can see how much you're hurting. You sound like me, just over it all. I don't know what to say to make it better other than to hold on because you never know what's around the corner.

Ankle hurts :( I'm feeling very whiney now... My medication has been doubled which has me a little jittery >.< hope it makes things better. I'm tired of hurting

What meds are you on?

Cymbalta and Seroquel. Plus amoxycillin antibiotics to prevent bone infection.

I'm on cymbalta too and find if I dont take it, I get dizzy and the shakes. I hope you are taking it.

Yeah I'm kinda jittery with it at the moment but I'm hoping it eases off soo

Love you Jess! Love you loads! Please be safe my dear....please???????

Mat confiscated all my sharp things so I'm safe for now I guess. Had a bad night. Pictures of my ex sister in laws wedding was up on fb and the sight of her and her dad make me panicky. He threatened to kill me and she called me a whore. I told mat I want him to make up with his sisters because family is important. I don't think I could ever be around them after they did their best to play of my issues and get me to kill myself. But I want mat to know his niece and nephews. And if we are ever able to have kids I want them to know their cousins and aunts and uncles. I'm pretty much terrified of his family now though so don't know how that will go.

jesus Jess!! I havent been here. im soo sorry. I imagine youre in major pain. please leave the ankle alone. have mercy.

i love you and dont know what to say because im **** myself right now.

i just love you soo much and hate to know youre in pain.

PLEASE be safe and thank the gods for Matt.

love you baby.
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Thought I was okay. But I'm not. Really really really not! Oh god I can't breathe. Argh. Can't do this. Can't!!

Hahaha. Saw some snide comments about me from an ex best friend that she assumes i couldn't see because I have her blocked. Instead of standing up for me, my sister laughed. Petty ****ing juvenile bitches. God. I'm so ****ing tired of bullshit. Really am. ****ing hell.

I'm so tired I feel sick. I can't sleep though. It's horrible. I just feel like I need to throw up.

hey Jess, thinking of you sweetie.

Jess, dont stress about babies. They have this deal when they come at just the right the time. You probably dont want to hear this right now, but perhaps its not the right time. Everything you are going through would be twice as hard with a little one. And i know they are nice to cuddle, but the novetly does ease and the hard bit comes back in.

If you want kids, then you need to work on getting yourself into a safe place. Use any help you can. Get healthy and i mean in all ways. Not sleeping is horrible, but there are so many ways to try to achieve it that you need to make sure you try them all , even if they sound lame. Be it massage, music, exhaustion, meditation.

Jess I care and I hate to see you hurting like this.
I also hope, that the whole thing with family, isnt a self sabotage type of thing.

Thanks Caitee :)

Thanks Kim. I normally do take sleeping tablets but i was sick not long after I took them last night and that kinda made them not work >.< I always assumed i'd be married with at least 3 kids by this age and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that i'm divorced with no kids. All i've ever wanted was to be a mum. Even from when I was tiny when people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up it was always a mum.

I have serious nightmares about mat's family hating me forever for ruining his relationship with his sisters. I know I didn't actually do anything and they just decided that they should hate my guts and set out to destroy me. But yeah. Logical I am not. Mat wont let me do what I did last time which was send him home to his parents to talk whilst I overdosed. He knows me so much better now and knows the signs so it's not sabotage. not this time. I dont' get to see my brothers and sister and niece and nephew very often and I hate it. Mat is so wonderful and will be a wonderful uncle and he deserves to know his niece and nephews.

I got a few hours sleep but it's worn off now and i'm tiiiiired and teary. Makes it very hard to cope with everything.

Thank you for the support my darlings :) It means a lot

Love you Jessipoo.

I dont know what to say. you know I'm always thinking of you.

much much loves
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The most damaging thing we have in our lives, are the little pictures we have in our head of how life should be.

If everybody stuck to those pictures, well im sure we would have more train drivers and astonauts than we know what to do with. As children, we set goals of where we want to be and as we age, we often change them, make them more likely. Yet, that one that involves when we should have a family and be settled, seems to be the hardest to change. But sometimes, changing it can be the best thing all round.

Perhaps, instead, you should set your goal to being happy and to become an amazing mum at some point! It dosnt have to be now. Get happy and everything else will follow.

Sometimes we can’t control the circumstances in our lives, but we can choose how we’ll respond. things from the past mess us up, they change everything, but simple things from the present still make us smile, laugh or simply shake out head in disbelief. Not every dark cloud can be chased away, but we can make wise choices to prevent future rain.

We rebuild the jigsaw puzzle of life, some pieces slip through our fingers, whilst we attmempt to make others fit, each piece changing us in so many ways.
The meaning in our lives can be in front of us, beside us. It can be simple. Sometimes it’s picking up a friend’s child for school to help them out, buying someone a cup of coffee, being good to your spouse, cuddeling with our pets, and noticing others. Sharing grief. Going out of our way, we let people know they’re not alone. Our stories cross and intertwine. And as they do they grow.

Your story, your life is never done with you. It’s always moving, shifting and you’ll want to be in it – right smack in the middle. So you can’t miss it. With all the cost and risk. With all the sadness, delight and wonder. With all that you have to offer. Living your story is worth it. It can be hard and painful in one breathe and wonderful and enchanting with another.

There is so much to learn and discover and so many people to touch, that fear should only play a small part in life.

I think, at this point, that you should take things back to basics. Yes let Mat go talk to his family, but wait for a short while, wait until the pain has eased, wait until you have other areas of support. Go back to the start, baby steps. Set one achievable and healthy goal each day! Notice the little things. And do something that makes you smile, every day.

Baby steps jess. And stop being so hard on yourself. You have done the best you can with what you have, no one can ask for more.

Kim, honey, when did you get so damn smart?

Test results came back and it might actually be a low count from Mat. Which apparently there are some fertility medications that can help. Hearing that took a huge weight of my chest. Because it's something that we can do something about. It's not me screwing my body up beyond repair. Now I know what it is and that something can be done, i've got a better handle on it.

I got into uni and i'm gonna try and focus on that for now and see how I go.

Thank you again ladies :) means a lot.

Really Proud of you jess. Text me whenever, whatever time. Wuvs you *complete with kylie accent*.... I know it turns you on :-p

Honey your accent turns me into a puddle of hysterical laughter

really happy for you Jess.
love you.
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