I'm homeeee from IP.
 

First of all, thank you ALL so much for all the support. I got all the mail and cards from everyone (as well as print ups of my facebook wall) weekly, and it really cheered me up. I love you all so much.



On a brighter note, it feels GREAT to be home. I am hanging in there and have a ton of aftercare set up. I will be seeing my PCP today (and weekly), I have my therapist I will be seeing weekly, I have a visiting nurse who will come daily starting today (meh, not too excited about that one), my CLM team, and I'm going back to the IOP program at the center for eating disorders (but likely if they didn't think I was well enough to do the program last time around, they might not take me, I will find out next week). But at the ED center I will have a nurse practitioner, therapist, and dietician as well on a weekly basis. SO, I do have a lot of outside support and I am meeting with somebody from the CLM crisis team today to check in.

I'm feeling alright. I saw the guy I'm dating last night :kiss: I'm just going to take this day by day. And like my nurse from IP said, if the outpatient doesn't work, then insurance will have to pay for my return to IP. So, it really all depends on how I do and how all these professionals evaluate me.

Again, thank you all for the support and for the mail. Once I'm home from my PCP appointment I will try to send personal messages to ya'll <3

LOVELOVELOVE

Jess xo

Yay! You're back! I'm sorry IP didn't go well, keep fighting darling, you can beat this bitch. You have tons of support in place, use it to your advantage, you can do this.

Love you!

*sends love and cuddles*
xxxxxx

Hey beaut, im at work right now but will message you later. Im so pleased your home and have a good support system even though IP was difficult. *lots of hugs and love* gemz xx

I'm sorry things didn't go to well at IP, but I am still very proud of you for even going and trying. You'll get through this, Jess. Just take it one day at a time like you said.

I love you so much and I'm happy you're around again..I missed you. <3

Sorry that it didn't totally work out for you in IP but I'm still super proud that you went and tried it and stuck at it and YAY for all the extra support! You seem more positive about things? So thats great.

Hey lovely,

I'm sorry to hear that IP didn't go well for you. :( It sounds like you're getting a lot of support as an outpatient now, which I'm sure will be frustrating for you sometimes but it is a very positive thing.

One day at a time is a good outlook, and you're not alone with all this.

Look after you <3 xx

I'm don't even know what to do with myself. I'm spiraling so fast already. I'm realizing that nothing has changed.



I don't know where to turn. And I've found out that my case manager I've been so close to for three years, Jenn...she's not a case manager anymore. She is doing other things now and I have a new case manager. My normal therapist the other Jenn is still on maternity leave. My team has crumbled. I feel so lost right now.

Please don't leave me. I really think I am giving up. This is like a flashback to the weeks leading up to when I was admitted. I feel pathetic and don't even deserve to be posting here.

I don't have many words right now, but I will not leave you. I will be here with 100% of the way. Don't give up, please.

I am not coping. I am seriously just sitting here praying to God I just float away. Jess isn't here anymore. I think all that's left of me is ED. It's crazy how in just over 24 hours without the tube feed my body is already feeling this way. I can't believe it's the weekend tomorrow. Zero support over the weekend. Why couldn't they have discharged me at the beginning of the week? I'm ranting. I'm stopping.

love you jess <3

*hugs* i'm sorry everything feel so rubbish at the moment. as said before, it is a disgrace how you've been treated.

i know how much it hurts when someone who helps you and that you trust leaves, i've been there, and it sucks. but try and learn to trust your new worker, as really, that is all you can do. it is damn hard, but you can do it. and who knows, they may be even better than the last one! (personally i think all medical professionals should be banned from having babies when treating me, but i guess that's not really fair lol!).

take care x

oh jess, i wont leave you. none of us will. Please fight, the healthy and happy Jess is there, its just hiding from this bitch of a disease. Please keep fighting, im sorry you are being treated so badly, people have no right to make judgements, especially when they dont know what its like themselves.
Im sorry im a bit useless with words right now, but i wanted you to know i am here.
<3 <3 <3 xxx

Jess, Sweetie, I will stand by you cheering you on every step of the way. Remember those hearts I put in your card, telling you, Jess, all those things about you. I didn't write them for fun. Stick them up, remind yourself of them.
The happy, crazy, caring, fun, awesome, beautiful Jess is still there, Fight for that. Fight for her because she deserves to be free.

I am SO SO sorry and angry that your team has let you down, time and time again. It is completely ridiculous that you were on a NG tube constantly in hospital and now they've left you with nothing. Your body needs norishment.

When does the IOP treatment start again?

And this statement
is so far from the truth.

Your family were so so proud of you for going in to treatment. Your dad was behind you so much (or atleast thats what we saw online) They really care about you Jess and if they are acting like the wish you never came home it isn't because they don't want you there because i'm sure they do want you there but it's probably because they are angry at the system, the want you happy and healthy, the care about you so much and want there daughter to be alive and well and reaching her full potential. Can you talk to them about how you feel? About what they can do to help you?

I love you Jess and I'd love to meet you one day. I know you can beat this! Keep fighting because I don't want the first time I meet you being at your funeral and I know that probably really hurts to hear that but I can't stress enough that you need to fight this tooth and nail until your better and if that means screaming, shouting and stamping your feet until you get the treatment you deserve then so be it!

Jess, please, please try to keep fighting. I understand how very hard it is, but pls try, love.
Sending you hugs and love anmd strength

Leigh <3 I do have those on my mirror <3 You are awesome.

Ugh :/ I just ate real food. Like a little bit of dinner. I feel like a failure.

I ended up in the ER last night/early this morning. I was having all sorts of fun things going on. I even got slapped for it. Just on my hand that she held after while we talked. Finally, they let me go home/.

I keep talking to my parents and all they have to say is how I look so sick. And scary. THANKS MOM :) Thanks for reminding me that I am a monster. But really people are making comments like that wherever I go. I feel like I'm wearing a sign on my forehead that says "feel free to make me even more uncomfortable and self conscious by Some good methods here include staring at me like I have five heads or reminding me in front of everybody that I'm going to die from this." But basically, everybody wants me back in the hospital.

Nothing feels real. I think I've been dissociating in and out all day.

Your parents are scared Jess, Your friends are scared Jess. Not because you look scary but because we are all scared we are going to lose you.

You are NOT a failure for eating some food. That is an awesome thing! You are helping your brain and your body live a little longer.

Have the insurance company budged at all? I'm glad the cop found you and you were able to get some treatment. Please look after yourself hun! Please!

The insurance company called this morning..but it was only my case manager wanting to chit chat.

I completely walked out of my therapy appointment today. I couldn't even get myself to speak to either Jill or Jenn. So I walked out and I'm not planning on showing up next week.

I didn't pick my prescriptions up. So, my visiting nurse is being pissy. She is on her way here right now.

I ate a little this morning. But I purged.

I think I'm going to cancel my appt at the ED center for tomorrow. I know that when she weighs me she's going to reject me from the program and refer me back to the hospital. I hate that the level of care you receive is based on BMI.

It's dumb. I just wish I could get outpatient treatment from them. But then again, I don't even think I want to be in recovery anymore. I feel like a moose and have very little motivation, considering everybody who is working with me is obsessed with numbers. How much do you weigh? How much did you lose? How much did you eat and drink? How many supplements did you take? How many diet pills did you take? How many, how many, how much. I mean GOD. Leave me alone. jfdkajfkldjafkl.

Nobody can force me to recover. I need to WANT it. And right now I'm not sure I do. Therefore, I need to stop wasting everyone's time.

Nobody can force me to recover. I need to WANT it. And right now I'm not sure I do. Therefore, I need to stop wasting everyone's time.

-----

I struggle with this too. I go in cycles or wanting to recover, so I eat. Then after eating, I feel fat and I don't want to recover anymore, or someone is mean to me, so I feel like I'm not worth recovery etc. , so I restrict...then I restrict to the point where I scare myself and don't want to die/hurt anyone/move on with life/be in good health... (and the cycle continues)

Basically, what we both need to do is have a number 1 reason for recovering, writing it on a piece of paper and keeping it in our back pocket (on me at all times) so that I can be reminded of why I need to recover to attain my goals when I tell myself that I don't want to recover anymore.

I would really like to have kids one day. For this reason, I need to want recovery.

I hope this helps.... Good luck!
FYI - I'm on a waiting list for first-time inpatient treatment..... hope that it works out.

I'm sorry things are so frustrating. I wish that you could get the help you need and it wasn't all abot numbers and insurance companies and was just about you and the help you need.
I know it's had to want recover and you're right YOU have to want it. But I want you to remember what you said earlier, that you feel like Jess is gone and it's just ED. That's why it's so hard to know that you don't want to live this way. But try and remember the girl who loves to play with her cats and make crafts. Try and remember the girl who loves to write letters and make people smile and make her sister videos. Remember the beautiful girl that likes to shop and go for walks and built her own desk. Try and remember her. Because she's not gone. I know it because I can see her when you smile and when you laugh. You're still here Jess. You are amazing and so special and even if it's hard for you to see sometimes, I know you're not gone. I know you're tired and frustrated and hurt but I will hold you up until you are strong enough and even then I will hold your hand. Because I love you and you deserve to live like the happy, beautiful girl I know is hidden under all of the ED and struggle. I love you and I will always love you, I'm not letting go. *hugstight*

^^that. I really hope you can find that person again, trust that person again.
Live again.
xxx

Love you, girl. Thank you for that. You make me smile. I'll text you in a bit.

I have my appointment at the ED center today where I was doing IOP before I went IP. And unfortunately, there..it IS all about numbers. I tried to load up on fluids to see if it would put me up to the weight I need to be to be allowed to get treatment at their facility..not working. So, this appointment is pretty pointless. They are just going to refer me IP again most likely. Or just tell me to give up on treatment. I vote for that one.

Ugh. I'll update later. Lovelove.

*hugs* im sorry i dont have any words jess xx

<3
Please try to be strong.
You are worth so much more than this
xxx

Even though I am under the weight required for the program..she is giving me a chance!!! She is having me do IOP again. I start tomorrow. She said if I can work hard on my meal plan and drink additional supplements with the goal of 'weight restoration' I can do the program..but if she doesn't see progress she's going to put me IP again. Soooo I guess we'll see.

This is good jess, they are giving you a chance, please try this. You can do it, you can xx

I know I don't know you, Jess, but I was so sorry to read about what happened. I still don't understand how they can justify that.

I'm glad you're being given another chance at IOP. I know it's scary, but I hope you can try. You deserve to live and fighting an ED isn't living, really, is it? You can get through this and live the life you want. I really hope it goes ok for you.

You can do it Jess!
Try your best, it must be better than IP
xxx

You can do this <3 I am so proud of you. Fight for your chance to be happy.

I am joining the 'you can do this' Clan.

I am glad that they are giving you this chance. Grab it with both hands try and banish this negativity about not wanting to recover because I know it's not really true, if you read this thread through you can see that there are contradictions. I know it's alot easier said than done though so please, work with your team, your family and your friends to get the support to stick at this and do what you need to do to give the happy, healthy,awesome Jess a chance.

Love to you xxx

Hey, they may have treated you badly IP wise but WOW with your OP program. You have/had so, so ,so, much help set up for you, more than I ever knew someone could get. It's such a shame that you haven't worked with all of them fully and got somewhere.

I believe you will get a lot better or even recover but you have to put the work in too, you have to want it too.

If you didn't have strength, determination and reasons for living I'd say, what you do is your choice. But from the way you talk you're intelligent, you are very underweight yet still attractive enough to have a boyfriend, you are sociable as you have so many friends. You have too much to lose girl. People like you have so much to offer both to themselves and others.

Pick yourself up, dust off your knees and keep going and one day your hard work will pay off. You CAN do this, you CAN get weller or even RECOVER! I know it's a cliche but some people don't get half the help you get or they don't get the help in time. Yes they were wrong and foolish and playing with fire to discharge you in the condition you are/were in but you had an amazing OP program.

*jumps on the bandwagon* I know that you can do this Jess, and I care about you so much I couldn't bear to lose you. You have a really good opportunity here, please take it and let them help you beat this ED. I know how hard it is, I do, but you can do it. Love you <3

Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. It is so helpful to know so many people are behind you. I have tried a little bit of my meal plan today and soon I think I'm going to prepare my snack and dinner for IOP.

nothing is leaving your body because your body needs it at the moment so its clutching onto anything and everything it can get. Drink plenty (pref little or no caffeine in it) and you will end up peeing. Eat regularly and you will poop. You're just not eating regularly enough and drinking regularly enough yet

So, the emergency room called today. The reason I'm not peeing is because I have decreased kidney function and a antibiotic resistant infection. I've been peeing blood the past two days. They did mention admitting me if things continue getting worse or the antibiotics don't end up working. So, they are checking things out again on Friday morning.

IOP did not go well at all. I cried at each meal and ended up doing supplements in a separate room 1:1 with a staff member. I ended up getting really anxious after dinner and the staff left the group room for a minute and I just left.

They called me and asked me to come back but I said no. So tomorrow I see my therapist there during the day and then I'm still expected to attend IOP after. But I'm going to talk to Liz about it and see what she thinks. I don't think I'm ready for this. I almost just want to go back to Alcott...I never transitioned off the tube to real food. Not even close. This is not enough structure. I ****ing hate my insurance :(

Love you Carmen. I don't even know at this point. I DON'T want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I've already ****ed my family over enough. They keep doing the..you know this isn't just affecting you..it's hurting the whole family. I KNOW MOM, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME SORRY.

But I am getting worse!!!! I really am. I mean I've tried eating. I've tried doing my supplements. Sometimes succeeding sometimes not. The thing is, when I do succeed I always engage in ED behaviors.

Such a big part of me wants to just quit treatment all together..I mean I'm wasting everybody's time if I'm going to keep carrying on like this. I mean I didn't even try to fight the urges tonight. Although I have managed to stop myself from purging since I've been home. Do I want to get better? What the hell do I want?

I'm at that point where I feel like my body is invincible. What I'm doing isn't going to really hurt it. Nothing bad could possibly happen. That's how I feel right now. I need somebody to punch me in the face? Reality check me? Or is this feeling real? Am I better? I feel like my ED is making me stronger?

Thanks Carmen that helps a lot. And it's so true about my bbrain not functioning right. I remember in the hospital I was told constantly that I was having even more distorted thinking and mood problems because my brain was affected by the malnutrition. My nurse erin would always say the calories go up to your brain not down. Feed your brain.

I just wantt this all to stop.

To me you sound like you don't want to get better.

On the flip side it sounds like you're too ill to make your own decisions now.

Of course I WANT to get better. This is no way to live.

I'm just so deep in my ED and it's so strong. I AM trying to fight back. I mean I'm doing my best with at least trying my meal plan and drinking some supplements. It's just that I'm so impulsive and out of control that I make unsafe decisions and engage in ED behaviors. A huge part of me does want to give up and let ED win.

It's good that your working at your meal plan and supplements Jess but then although some of the goodness might be getting in, it's only going to be a teeny tiny part if you keep purging and abusing laxs and things which kind of defeats the object. So is there any way you could make a plan to fight the impulses and get you into some sort of control?

Maybe making it so you don't eat a proper meal all at once and do it over time so you don't feel the need to purge? Or sitting with family/friends after meal times..maybe after your meal you could skype your sister or something so she can keep you distracted while the nutrients seep in?

I do think you've been put in a really **** situation but equally I believe you can do more to make the situation better and for you to win and not for the ED to win. I believe in you, I believe you can beat these urges and impulses, one at a time. Basically and I hate saying it but you need to, cause if you don't, you'll die and you need to use the support thats given to you to stop that from happening.
Fight on!

How are you doing now sweetheart? Been thinking of you heaps, love you so much, only a pm/fb away <3<3

Things are not good :( I got kicked out of IOP because I kept having panic attacks and 'fleeing.' Also...last night was BAD. Didn't really want to share that because I'm ashamed, but I might as well be honest.

My doctor doesn't know what to do with me anymore. I don't know what to do with me. She is calling my ED center to discuss my options I guess. It's just hard when I've given up on myself. I'm basically just a ball of self destruction at this point. And I am selfish and hate myself for it.

I think you subconsciously want us to say ''no, no, you're not selfish and you shouldn't hate yourself'' I don't think that would make a difference.

You sound like you've given up and want to be left to die.

I don't know what on earth is the best thing to say to you except that I don't want you to be a statistic. Another anorexic death.

Plus you have more friends than I could ever dream of having. How about looking at the GOOD points and things in your life. Everything you have to lose. You are lucky. At least you are getting help. Well being offered it and blowing it. What good will that do you? And why on earth blow your chances of help. In the UK you have to be almost dead before you're even considered for support.

Nothing I have said is to guilt trip you. It does not tend to work for most people anyway. You could still have a future, a happy one but the ball is in your court, your destiny in your hands.

Jess sweetheart, how are you doing? Been thinking of you heaps, really hope that you're doing better. Love you so much xox <33

Hey love. Thank you so much.

I'm up and down. Mostly down. I've been going between complete restricting and eating what seems to be a lot to me and abusing and ODing on laxatives, diet pills, and diuretics. There is no middle ground for me.

I thought my ED center was completely going to discharge me after my incident running out of IOP, but the director actually called me yesterday. She wants me to come back in. I told her I couldn't handle IOP and she said that she still wants to see me and how I'm doing physically since I've canceled ALL of my appointments with my mental health center, PCP, and I told my homecare nurse not to come back so she d/ced me.

I told her kind of how I was doing and she told me that it sounds like I need to be IP. I was upset and told her I really wanted to be home for Christmas..so she agreed to make my appointment for after the new year if I agree to at least see my psychiatrist in the mean time.

And the bad thing is...I was supposed to see him today....I COMPLETELY forgot. I know he'll probably try to squeeze me in next week...but he's not the easiest to get appointments with.

So things aren't the best. But I'm trying to hang in there.

Thinking of you

love you sexypants <3333

If you don't want to be IP you know what you have to do. It's not as simple to do as it is to say to do but that is all that will keep you out of IP.

Hope that made sense.

Hang in there, show that fighting spirit you have, contact your psychiatrist to apologise and say you forgot and rerarrange and be home for christmas.

Love Liddy xx

^^agree with Lidia. Pls try to reach for that help, much as you dont want to/it wont let you.
thinking of you (all)