struggling with telling
 

i spoke to therapist yesterday about some things that happened
about my godfather
i told her that i remembered about him sexually doing things to me when i was younger
i told her i hated him and i am glad he died
i told her i felt like a liar and that to much has happened that it couldnt all be true
i told her i was angry at my teachers from infants for not noticing the signs
but in truth im angry at me
i hate me for not being strong enough to tell someone what happened
for believeing them when they said id be taken away to a place for bad children if i told
im so angry
so so angry and therapist says she is scared that i will get myself into trouble cos im angry
im sorry
so so sorry for this self indulgent post
i know im selfish
sorry

It's good that you spoke to your therapist Jo. And even though you're mad at yourself it doesnt mean that you are bad, it just means that you're upset at what happened. You shouldn't be sorry for posting this when this forum is here for us to do just that to help us talk about this stuff.
*offers safe hugs*
Stay safe.

curls up
all day feeling him
remembering what he did
remember the pain
remember the different acts
remember my innocence going
his special friend
curls up

You were a kid, Jo. A kid being hurt by lots of people. You didnt know any better than to believe youd be taken away. Proud of you for talking. And he wasnt your friend hun. *safe snuggle* low on words hang in there Jo <3

i know
i can feel his hands
all over my body
i cant make them go
feel and smell his beery breath kissing me
telling me im going to be a good little jojo
saying we going to play a special game that needs to be our secret as people will be jealous
saying he will get out his special toys
him walking drunkenly around the room
swaying on his way to the bed
him leaning over me

very very wrong of him
it wasnt a game hun
he said what he needed to to get you to be quiet about it
im so sorry he did those things

I'm so sorry you were put through that Jo, it was so very wrong of him to hurt you like that.

You were so brave to tell your therapist. It's very scary to think about telling someone when the abuse is going on so it's understandable that you didn't, lots of people don't. You were brave to tell your therapist. It's not bad of you to believe him when he told you you'd be taken away if you told. Abusers will scare their victims into not telling so that the abuse can carry on. Children will believe what adults tell them, it's not your fault that he abused your trust, it's his fault, he is to blame.

How are you feeling today?

struggling alot
feel him a lot
it hurts
feel sick
want to phone therapist but when i just rang i got through straight to her and just hung up
curls up
im so sorry
it real hurts
i feel him
feel him so so much

managed to leave a message for therapist
exhausted from flashbacks
just need some support
sorry to ask

You should never apologise, we are all here for you x

cant make him go away
memories making me question everything about myself
dont feel i know who i am

At the end of the day its very easy to give in and let someone else dictate how you live your life. I think we all have it in us somewhere to fight back. I know how you feel in some respects, so i understand your struggle and how hard it is to fight.

Dont let him win, you will get there x

trying really hard
sorry
i hate him
iom glad he dead
but he stiill helping to ruin my life

i got a message back from therapist (mainly cos i didnt answer phone to her as didnt feel up to talking) and i replied and left another message (again cos i cant deal with chatting really)
feeling useless
back to harming to feel things that arent him
i know its bad but it gives me control
is this stupid?
probably yes
but well thats me stupid and thick

Youre not being stupid. Youre trying to cope. Nothing else seems to be working atm so that is youre way of dealing with things. Its ok if you dont wanna chat. Youre brave for telling. Its good youre mad at him and angry. Thats where the anger should be. Directed towards him. His fault. Ok to be glad he is dead as well. Trying is good and im glad you are caue trying means you havent given up. Keep on going Jo. You can do this. We are here for you <3

she never phoned back and tried calling about 5 times at the times she told me she'd be avaliable
feel alone
i keep going back to it all even when im trying to do other things
im ashamed but my body is physically responding to what i can feel and i know im filthy
im sorry

youre not filthy hun

You're not stupid, thick or filthy Jo, you're none of those things.

Your body will react to a stimulant, it doesn't matter what that stimulant is. If I held a pepper pot by your nose and you sneezed it'd just be a reaction to a stimulant, in that case a sneeze in reaction to the pepper.

Sexually, people can do things to us, that are unwanted but our bodies will still react. This is because a reaction is in no way indicative of us wanting to engage in sexual behaviour, nor is it consent to that behaviour. It is simply a reaction, it doesn't mean anything more than that, it doesn't mean you wanted that action, or enjoyed it, just that you responded to a stimulant.

Sometime our bodies will react in order to make things easier on ourselves

i kinda know that but its a fa;ashback and im still reacting
its not even a real touch but it feels so real my body is well yeah
sorry i struggle with words
sorry

It might not be real touch at the moment but it was real touch at some point. I think sometimes that linear time in the way we usually measure time doesn't always apply to your mind.

It's okay to struggle with words, I do too sometimes, you don't have to say sorry for anything Jo.

i dont like it
want my body to be destroyed
curls up small

Your body doesn't deserve to be destroyed, it didn't, and you didn't deserve the bad things that happened. You and your body deserve to be treated well, in a caring and supportive way.

but it bad
i bad
through and thorugh

Your body isn't bad, bad things happened to it, bad things happened to you but that doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make your body bad.

My body was abused, but now I'm trying to reclaim my body. It's mine, not my abusers. Your body is yours, not your abusers, it's yours, so you can treat it well and kindly, or at least try to.

cant cant
remember his words
remember what he said to me
remember him telling me i was going to be a good girl
remember him saying we were going to try something only special girls do
remember his fingers going somewhere not like
curls up

I'm so sorry you experienced that, he should never have treated you that way, you deserved to be looked after and cared for not have that sort of treatment.

what i for
all i for
needed to be made good
sobs

It's not what you're for, you should never have experienced that, you deserve love, care and support, you didn't deserve what happened.

i just want to be good
i kinda want talk therapist about it
want her to know what he did but she wont want to hear tthat
sorry

She would want to hear that Jo, that's what she's there for. It'd be good to try to talk to her about it.

she keep saying she dont want details
i need them out though
but she says no
curls up

Maybe she thinks it might hurt you if you go into detail, so it might be that if you explain it'd do you good to talk about the details she might feel differently about you talking about things. Do you think it's worth trying to explain to her that you need to get this out?

ive tried
im sorry
didnt here from her today either in response to last week
not worth the effort
going down hill further
sorry

I'm sorry you didn't hear from her, I'm sorry I'm a bit low on words at the moment but I'm thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts x

had therapy
she said she never called me back as i said in my message i wasnt coping with speaking she thought i was telling her not to call back
spoke about things
she couldnt believe someone would have sex with a 3 year old
said she cant understand it
she is concerned about my harming
and she doesnt think i should do relationships
i meant to ask if i have a diagnosis or anything but forgot
might phone her
feel like crap
sorry
feel him more and more
she had no ideas to help
dont know why i bother

its brave of you to tell her those things hun
*gently hugs*
if she cant help you, perhaps she should refer you to someone who can?

I'm sorry you didn't really get much out of your therapy session. I can understand why she might not think it best to call back, maybe making you take a call with her might not have been for the best so she might have just been trying to be careful.

I think sometimes abuse is difficult to understand, especially when you can see the adult suffering, especially when the therapist gets on with their patient and likes them, it makes what the person went through seem so unfair and wrong.

You can always call and ask her about a diagnosis. I think ^ that's a good suggestion, maybe if she's feeling she can't meet your needs she might be able to refer you to someone who can.

i dont think id get anyone else as psych discharged me nearly a year ago and said i didnt really need therapy
i dont feel i can say anything to her about changing
sorry
i will try and call her about my diagnosis as i really want to know now
im sorry

You might be able to get someone else, a year is a long time really so a reassessment might be called for, or maybe you could see a different Psych, the one you saw sounds less than helpful :/

Don't say sorry, you've got nothing to be sorry for Jo

yeah well he forgot about my appointment
and then didnt have my notes
asked a few questions
one was would i harm myself
i said yes
he discharged me
sorry

He sounds a bit useless. Do you think you'd be able to ask your Doctor to refer you for another assessment because your last one wasn't good and you feel you need more help?

he said he could only agree with psych ...
says im better
even though had meds upped since that appointment
sucks
sorry
keep feeling things
phoned therapist and asked her to call me back
heard nothing
feel so alone

sorry
they said everyone would hate me if i told
and they are kind of right
when i told its spread the hurt
it makes others feel like crap
you tell and they go oh my goodness and feel sick and swear and say they hate them
i make people hate others
and thats wrong
me talking is making others be hated
im passing on hate
im sorry

i shouldnt be on here anymore
i expect to much from this place
but i feel i need it
sorry for being so demanding
i know i am bad through and through
i feel like i am evil and my soul blackened
im sorry

your not bad through and through or evil.
just hang in there sweetie please *cuddles*

i want to give up on everything now
i know im bad
i want to forget it all ever happened
i want to be normal
i want people to not think what has caused me to be like this
i dont want to suddenly dissolve for no reason
i dont suddenly want to feel hands all over me
i dont suddenly to need to hurt myself so bad that im trying to make excuses for the obvious wounds

(funny how she believes the excuses though-how could a bite be a deep wound that keeps reopening and getting deeper)

thanks
just needing to harm so badly
need his hands to go

hey Jo. first, while i dont think hate is right really, its good that people are reacting in such a way that shows they realize that what happened to you was evil. Does that make sense? None of it is your fault, its not your fault you have something to tell. Youre not bad through and through. *snuggles* Hope you stay safe as possible hun

curls up small
im sorry
im just a waste of space i keep feeling things
i dont know if i can face therapy tomorrow
its pointless anyway
sorry