Lots of triggers.
 

This is a rant, but I need support.

To be honest, people could probably explain what's going on better than i can.

i dont know what to do.,

getting drunk sounds like a good plan.

cutting does too.

i have to take my pills. dont let me forget.

haha.

sorry for the oh so coherant post.

Wots wrong?
*worries*

Cutting and drinking sounds like a good plan now, but you will only feel guilty afterwards. Its not the best way to deal with the stuation!!!
Is there anyway you could maybe go for a break? Go out for an hour or something?
Failing that bury yourself under your blanket with some headphones in?

*sets up an alarm clock to remind to take pills*

i cant talk

Why not hun?
Please try to open up and get it out.
Keeping it all inside will only make things worse in the long run.

My mum was sitting behind me.

ok.
Whats happening now?

I'm probably getting drunk.
Then I'm going to take my anti-biotics & pills & stuff and see if the lady was lying when she said mixing them with alcohol could cause convulsions.

I have nothing.
I have noone.
Not here.;
Not now.

You have loads hunni.
You got some ace mates for starters!
Your super smart!
Your going to uni in a few months!!
Keep fighting this hunni, coz thing are going to change!!!!!
You will see, they will be so much better!!!
But not if you give yourself brain damage before you get there!!!

I just want them not to hate me.

The last time my Dad showed ANY emotion [okay, positive emotion] towards me I was lying in hospital after a suicide attempt.
I'm pretty sure that was just because he felt guilty.

He told me something today.

Made me realise exactly how much he hates me.
He hates me as much as I hate myself.
And right now, that's a ****ing lot.

What did he tell you hun?
Sometimes its hard for our perants to show us postive emotions.
Chances are you two clash in personalities, which sucks!
Hate is a really strong word!
I know it is hard, but if you canjust get through the next couple of months, things will change so much.
When your not always around your dad, might give a oppertunity to repair the broken bridges so to speak.

He says i have to go.
So I have to go.
Haha.
I've stopped drinking though.

Im glad you have stopped drinking.
Please be careful hunni.
Your dad isnt worth throwing everything away for.
Take care.

I can't think of a reason not to cut.

I can't run the risk of dragging people down with me.

Cutting only hurts me. The person that deserves to be hurt.

Fifteen minute game, here I come.

Just in case I feel differently tomorrow, and regret it.

You will feel differnt honey and you will regret it.
Did you regret it last time? You could use that as a focus.
And there is no way you deserve to be hurt!!
Has something triggered you?
Its tough at the min. You got a lot going on.
But you are doing so well.
and you hae taken so many steps recently to improve your life for the better!

I still dont feel anyt differnet.
I regretted it, but yeah, i dont know.
im fighting it but i dont know why and i dont know what for, so it seems a bit pointless
triggery stuff is hard to avoid. seeing as i am half of each of them.

im talking ot mate mate on msn and yeah, it s not working.
and i keep depersonalising, hence the **** typeing.

Your typing loks better than mine! But then that dosnt say much.
Well thats a start, that you regretted it.
Maybe work on a list not to do it.
Scars would be one.
And really, do you want to go back to a time when it is constantly on your mind? When the slightest bit of stress makes you run to it. Its not a nice way to live. You hae done amazing giving up. You would only end up feeling more crap if you went back to it now.

Do you have an other form of ralise(sp) Maybe something which requires you to focus a lot on something. Ha my fav is to play with liduid eye liner. I end up drawing all over my arms and legs lol. Tis what I do when im in a hard lecture at uni.

I have scribbled all over my legs in red pen.
i want to cut my arm.
but i cant
so yeah
i've had this one cut planned for ages
saying where or how would be tip sharing, but it'd probably kill me - so i wont, but that won't stop me wanting to.

meh.

Exactley planning a cut is never a good thing.
Is there anyway you could maybe go out or something?
Drive to your local starbucks and have a huge hot choccy.
When you come back you will prob feel to sick to do anything hehe.

If I was allowed out of the house without having a specific school related reason and at least 2 days notice I wouldn't be feeling like this in the first place.

Meh.

Thats crap, your an adult!!
No way you could say your just running down to th library?
Or to get some info off a friend?
What would happen if you just went?

They'd chuck me out.

He even statred packing my stuff the other day.

Or I can be like a lodger. So, basically, disowned.

He's done it to all of my older siblings, why not do it to me to?

No offence, but your dads a tit. What dose he expect of you?
You need a life to.
What about other family? Do you have anyone you could stay with for a bit? The likes of your siblings maybe?

He expects me to be the perfect daughter.
Grade 8 Piano/Violin, Straight As at A level, social life, lots of friends, you get the picture...

My first exam's friday. There's 3 sections to it.
A day for each section.
25 marks for each bit.
25/600 is quite a lot and i need to get it done.
meh.

Being the perfect daughter is one thing, being a genius is another!!
How can you have a social life if he wont let you out. Seems silly.
Dont let him put the stress on you hun.
From what i hear, your really smart. And you have been doning work for it!
So you should be fine with the exam.
Do your best, and be proud of it. Dont let him pull you down to his level!!
I know a lot of people around here will always be proud of you, no matter what your dad thinks! And he dont get a choice about that!
We all believe in you hunni.

I'm not smart.
Not at all.
I haven't been doing work for this one.
I'm going to fail.
I won't get into Uni.
And my life will be like this, permanantly.

You wouldnt keep your life like this.
Worst case scenario you would get a job an your own place an have parties every night. lol
Seriously, do you best, it will be more than good enough.
I did crap in my A levels. Didnt ven have enough ucas points for the course. I rang the uni an they said they would take me anyway. Sure it will be the same to you!
And to be studying what you are studying, you are smart!!! I would never get my brain around it. Try not to be so negative about yourself. Positive thoughts are the way to go.

I still need to pass.

Hmm.

And you will.
But SI and alcohol and pills, wil not help you.
They will make you worse.
I am certain that you will pass.
And i am never wrong! so ner!