Contradictions and Your Self-Injury
 

BTW i got this from another website and i do not want to take credit for this idea. i liked the concept of the thread and wanted to read the comments of people on here.

what about you makes it weird that you hurt yourself? Why would a person go, "woah, you do that?"
E.G.... most people wouldn't expect it from a happy person that dresses in bright colors (as opposed to the "emo" stereotype).

For me
-i'm a christian; who grew up in the church
-i've never had any really tragic happen to me or my family
-i'm the overachiever
-The people pleaser
-Happy go lucky
-The child that can do no wrong
-just perfect

Also a contradicton to my SI
is that i hate pain...if i didn't cause it.
like i've been going through a bunch of health crap, so i've had to get a lot of blood drawn. The nurse put the needle in (btw i'm terrified of needles) what she thought was a vein and it turn out it wasn't. she put me in so much pain to the point i was in tears.

- I've always been tough on the outside. I can't remember the last time somebody other than my immediate family has seen be cry
- I'm the oldest in the family, and always seen as the "level headed" one
- I take on about 10x as much responsibility as anyone else
- I've never been abused in any way
- I always managed to fake a smile
- I don't show my anxiety

Pretty much everything about me. My parents were 100% shocked when they found out I was in counseling, let alone the SI part...

Contradictions
Uhmm... I don't think I really have any. I don't mind pain. I like blood. =/

-I'm a straight A student.
-Was voted most likely to success two years in a row.
-I am highly involved in band, jazz band, theatre, singing group, psychology club, academic events, etc. And I win many awards.
-I'm friends with everybody.
-I have a great family, and great friends, and live in a good home.
-I've never had any abuse problems.


However,
-I have a lot of anxiety. Especially when performing.
-I'm always stressed and feel like I'm under pressure.
-I love control, and self injury makes me feel like I have some.


But really there's no "type" of person who self injures. There will be a lot of different people who suffer.

- I'm a christian went to church all my life and my parents sent me to a christian school
- I'm a people pleaser and I always put others before myself
- I do an incredible job of looking put together and strong on the outside, I've even convinced a lot of therapists and psychiatrists that I'm fine when I've been suicidal
-I was never physically or sexually abused thankfully
- I volunteer and get good grades


But....
- I know I'm not good enough
- I'm actually incredibly weak
- I'm overcome by anxiety a large portion of the time
- I'm a perfectionist at heart, but can never attain perfection
- I hate every aspect of my being most of the time

I go to a catholic all girls school
I'm known as the crazies one
I was valedictorian at my old school
I was the one who always helped ppl STOP cutting
I always have a smile on my face (even if it's usually fake)
I have great parents and a great family
I'm the kind of person who makes fun of ppl like us.. (but then again making fun of my problems is another way I cope with them..I guess making something positive outta them makes it seem less real)
I don't know the last time I showed any other feeling besides being happy (other than in arguments with my rents) to anyone other than myself..

This is exactly why I don't understand why I do it... SI hoes against EVERYTHING I am.... Or does it?? Damn questions..

• I'm one of those "good church kids"
• I hold a prestegous chairmanship for boy scouts
• I work on camp staff
• I seem to be stable to most people
• I'm very mature for my age
• I grew up on the "right side of the tracks"
• I am very well liked
• I seem to be a people pleaser

BUT
I doubt myself all the time.
I am very introverted.
My grades are never good enough

1. I'm always the one in control.
2. I'm seen as one of the most narcissistic people ever.
3. I'm in the top 5% of my class.
4. I've been first chair viola all year, which makes me extremely happy.
5. I always give advice to people on how to deal.
6. I'm the succeeding one in the family.
7. I have absolutely no reason to hate my life as much as I do.

- I'm a Christian gone to church alll my life
-I am that ditzy blonde girl
-I have never been abused
- I'm very dreamy and always talk about fairies and such
- I don't really have a good reason for any of this. My life isn't that bad.

but....
-my dad has brain cancer
-i have type 1 diabetes (stressful)
- i have clinical depression and anxiety
-i'm not succesful. i can never stick to anything. i start out brilliantly and can never keep to it I always just get depressed.
- i'm just not RIGHT. I'm always sad. All the time.

I am smart, funny and kind.
I have a loving family and many hobbies which I get great enjoyment out of. I have been fortunate enough to go to University to pursue my 'dream job', a job which many people envy.
I have lived a rich, interesting and varied life, and have travelled a lot.

Its against my religion
I seem happy and fine, never had any problems in school, i always did my work and never was disruptive
I always smile even when i am crying inside
I barely ever cried in front of people
I've never had any problems at home, my life looks normal
I tend to get good grades
I look like a have a good future ahead of me

- But thats all mostly not true, i think im going to fail my life, i'm sad and anxious most of the time, i cry all the time on my own, i'm lonely, i hate myself, the good grades i get are due to me overworking/stressing/crying/not sleeping and i belive they are flukes, my life is normal but i am really unstable inside.

In relation to SH, if i got cuts from anywhere but me, i would cry from the pain.
i love it and i hate it, im disgusted and im comforted, it makes things worse, it makes things better for me.

i get good grades.
i have the most ego possible
im the tough "deal with it" kind of person
im happy and smiling on the outside

the most contradictory thing?
haemophobic. scared of blood. if im bleeding, sometimes i pass out.

this is kind of a really good idea for a thread... I'm like a lot of the things people said above me:
christian (grew up christian, still am)
loving parents
I was never abused
I get good grades
I'm quite independent - moved several hundred miles away from my parents' home to live on my own and go to school (twice)
I go to church and to a small group, am always pleasant to people

in short, I have no real reason to cut... but I do... I just get these moments when I can't handle what's going on and physical pain/blood is the only relief, even though it's a fake, temporary relief.

I thought I was alone in all this =/
I mean, I thought everyone else who cut had really severe problems and that they'd think I was just wanting attention or something, hence why I always hasten to add to people that my cutting "isn't that bad". I always felt like I had "no right" to cut, and that made me feel ashamed, because I couldn't stop...

sorry if that doesn't make sense. it's difficult to explain.

• i'm 22 (people always get hung up on me being "too old" to selfharm)
• untill my A2 exams I got really good grades
• I used to hold down 2 jobs and a full time college course
• I managed to be in the top 10% of my year at uni without turning up (before I dropped out that is)
• I used to volunteer for childline
• I was on the university debating team (the people on that I don't think even knew what selfharm was before meeting me lol)
• Other than online and to my partner I never really show any emotion
• I'm the type of person who'll go out of their way to help someone else (often to the point where it's detromentral to myself but luckily noone else notices that :P )
• I live in a very nice area of the city (even if it is in a rented flat)

I think everyone gest that to degree... we all think that our issues aren't "bad enough" and so we have no right to feel or act the way we do

Yeah, me too.

i'm 34...way "too old" for this kind of behavior
i'm happily married with three beautiful children
i'm a christian who has a wonderful church home
i was never abused
i'm quiet and friendly and funny

BUT i just don't like myself, i wish i were beautiful, and i struggle with depression and social anxiety.

-Out of my few friends, I'm considered the 'sane' and one you can count on.
-I grew up in a loving, caring family.
-I was considered a very happy, carefree child.
-Never been abused.
-I want to help people.

This thread makes me feel really sad. =[

I'm 40.
I was a teen in the 80s.
I have a 2:1 degree, and taught in primary schools for over a decade.
I used to teach yoga, including Kundalini and Dream yoga, voluntarily.
I did some psychotherapy training.

Contradictions - I use self harm to help me feel more in control, but it can also make me feel and be more out of control.

-I'm very good at hiding my problems
-I come across as a strong person when in reality I'm the opposite
-I'm very mature
-People think I'm intelligent and level headed

Don't worry I totally get what you're trying to say. i use to feel the same way also and sometimes i still do. when i look at classmates and i'm like they're going through more than i'll ever have to handle, how can i do this to myself.

but i learned a couple months ago actually.
YOU CANNOT COMPARE YOUR HURTS AND PAINS TO OTHER PEOPLES HURTS AND PAINS (and i'm saying this with sooooo much love to you)

because if you do, you'll have so much guilt and shame weighing you down you might not be able to get back up.

i'm not going to lie, i struggle with this from time to time, but then i remind myself that what i'm going through is what I'M going through and no one has the right to make me feel bad because it might seem insignificant to them.

Goody-two-shoes, hides depression well, no scars on arms (what's with everyone and arms? I don't get why SI is only supposed to be on arms), clean cut, have friends, can be very happy (usually I get really depressed the night after though), supportive mom.

arms, lol. i used to cut my legs too, but it was harder to stop the bleeding and for some reason the healed cuts all went this reddy purple scar thing so it was harder to hide.

ok, that's encouraging - I feel a lot better about the whole thing now, and like I can start to tackle it instead of getting distracted over how miniscule my problems are...

But I wear jeans all the time, and I have so few long sleeves :/ I have something that's very obvious and below the knee right now, and nobody has noticed before, even my mom. And if there was something on my arm, the sirens would go out (meaning mom would panic)
I'm such a people pleaser, ugh. Maybe another contradiction?

:( i really hope it did make you feel better and not worse. Oh and sorry if i was being harsh or something because i totally was not trying to come off that way the all caps was just my way of getting my point across totally not yelling.
But if i did help you a lil bit i'm glad :)

I hold a high image. I took 23 uni credits in high school. In uni I have a really high GPA and am in psychology honors society. Last semester all my grades were in the A range. Also most people think I’m happy and that I really have my life together. My degree I’m working on will allow me to counsel people. I’m a Christian.

but... nothing I do is ever good enough. I still feel worthless at times. I’m not very confident and I often doubt myself. None of the above really makes me feel better for longer than a few days. I’ve dealt with depression and bits of anxiety all my life.

-Good grades
-Always smiling (or trying to fake one)
-Very likable
-Flirts with out realizing it (quite well actually >> <<)
-Never any form of abuse

Contradiction: I have a very low pain tolerance

but...
-I'm always anxious
-I'm surrounded by people with a variety of issues that I can't do much to help
-I just want to save the world, and in turn I fall to pieces

You should be really proud that you were able to do that! I have to stay in school for an extra year because I cannot take a regular course load. They don't have the option to take uni credits in my high school, even if I could handle it though, too many arts and stuff here. Do they count as high school courses as well?

- I'm the "obedient, level headed, responsible" one in my family
- I'm studying psychology with the intention of being a counsellor
- I don't let anyone see that I'm depressed
- I went to a religious school
- I hate disappointing people
- I rarely argue with anyone
- Nobody ever abused me

Contradictions
- I don't have a high pain threshold, unless I'm the one inflicting the pain
- I pass out when I see other people's blood

- always smiling, or at least "OK"
- Athletic
- don't wear eyeliner [emo boy sterotypes *sigh*]
- not a 'wimp'
- "good" grades (3.85 i guess is good)
- going somewhere (apparently)
- parents still married 2 brothers no visable abuse (this I would beg to differ but what people see is...)

Don't really have much contradiction to the SI itself. I like blood, don't have issues with pain, don't get grossed out.
Just that if someone is pretending to cut i just can't watch

*edit* funny how male cutter and female cutter stereotypes are so far different...

I hate watching anything in the least bit gory on TV.

I used to absolutely hate needles and injections and couldn't watch. That changed in hospital when I couldn't SI.

I love swimming and swam a lot before I relapsed. Now I don't think I can ever go swimming again. =(

1. I never wear any 'emo' clothes, stylish clothes and handbags all the way for me :)
2. I am quite good at hiding my emotions and putting on a brave face
3. No one has ever abused me ( apart from being bullied)
4. Always seen as the class clown :)
5. Funny, loud, bubbly, blonde:-p
6. People have said if they did not know i sh they would not think i would as i seem so happy and loving life.
7. Great friends/ family
8. People always talk to me about their problems

Cons
loved swimming cant swim now:(
I hate being caused pain to me by anyone except me
I dont like when on tv someone is having an op and there like cutting something. Yet i love blood, strange.
I sometimes dont know why i sh as my life does not seem that bad sometimes.

Nothing really bad has ever happened to me.
I have lots of great friends and an amazing family.
I don't particulary lack confidence in my looks.
I'm always sorting out everyone elses problems.
I never seem to fall apart.
I know myself.

I don't even know why I SI. It actually doesn't make much sense :/

- Have been sexually abused
- My dad is a drug addict
- Witnessed and watched domestic abuse
- Was emotional and mentally abused by my dad
- Was bullied for 7 years
- My family walked away from me
- I struggle with an alcohol problem
- I used to abused solvents
- I SI

However,
I can put on a front so that noone suspects anything is wrong. I SI to finish the pain that my abusers started.

-I wear bright clothing
-I'm great at appearing happy or at least calm and sane...always appearing cheerful and pleasant was even something my boss commented on in my performance review
-I love to make people happy, I'm a huge people pleaser
-I'm in the top 15% of my class and take mostly A.P classes
-I work and volunteer at a therapeutic riding barn and I love psychology
-No one has ever seen any emotion other than calm, supportive and cheerful from me
-I pretend to be the strong one...even though I'm not
-Everyone thinks I'm amazingly level-headed and they come to me with their problems...I appear to never get upset or flustered by anything (another thing my boss commented on in my performance review)
-I really have no reason to feel as crappy as I do
-My sister is the one everyone worries about...funny how she's really fine and I'm really not...

Contradictions
-I hate to see others in pain and it breaks my heart to hear about others feeling this way and doing this to themselves...but yet I feel as though I deserve it. I will never be enough.

Me too, I'm not actually very good with pain either (when its not me) & I'm not keen on injections at all, i have a few peircings (im not emo or goth tho) and i fainted when the guy did my tounge! so weired really just got worried about getting it done i sapose -intresting thread idea btw

yeh, I'm 20 though it started when i was 13.5

it for sure did. the caps were effective in the good way :)

-A christian since age 5; grew up in christian household; stable, loving environment w/ both parents, who are still married
-Lived abroad for two years, (on two separate occasions)
-Have loads of friends; always the dependable one, or the one they come to with issues
-Wicked sense of humour; always smiling, sometimes quite evilly. ;)

Although,
-I never feel close to God anymore
-I'm always alone and inside my head
-My jokes only deflect from what I'm really thinking or feeling



Contradiction:
-I can't stand pain otherwise

**I know someone else said it too, but this thread really does make me sad.

- I'm not 'emo'. I have had a period when I would dress in black only and wear loads of eyeliner and stuff, but I didn't cut back then.
- I can go on laughing for hours.
- My parents are still together, and they don't fight often.
- I have never really been abused, physical or sexual. When I was little my father used to hit me when I did something wrong, but he never does anymore. I think that was for me to learn I shouldn't do those things.
- I used to love the summer and short sleeved shirts, tank tops, etc. Right now I hate all of that.
- Even though I don't have many friends, I really love the ones I do have.
- I'm a Christian. I've been my whole life. I love going to church.

However:
- I've been bullied for years.
- I don't have many friends.
- I cry really easily.
- I have never been afraid of blood.
- My grades in school aren't good. They're just good enough that I pass..
- I'm just.. not good enough.

Contradictions:
- Before I started SI I couldn't stand pain, always crying and screaming at the littlest bit of pain. Now I don't care at all. I can take pain now, I can take blood.

- Although my parents are divorced , my step mum is amazing most of the time.
- I am the "perfect" child
- I don't have many friends , but the ones I do are mostly awesome.
- I get "good" grades.
- I used to the bubbly , happy blonde one.
- I have a rather secure lifestyle with money
- I pretend to be the strong one
- Everyone thinks i'm in control
- Everyone comes to me for help
- The responisble one


However;
- I feel my grades aren't good enough
- I feel I can never be perfect enough
- My real mum doesn't want me and I haven't seen her since I was eight. Shes a druggie and an alcoholic. I feel I can't ever be good enough , since she didn't want me.
- I was sexually abused at 14 , but I've hid it
- I am actually the furthest out of control that is possible , even though I love it
- My grandads got cancer that is inoperable
- I've never been close to anyone, I always feel like an outisder
- I struggle with friendship
- I find it hard to vent my feelings
- I find it hard to cope
- I have to help at home a lot


I hate pain unless I cause it. I was never "emo".

I'm just not the sort of person that does that, even to me, even after 10 years I cant talk about SI at work and train people about it with a totally different head on to the one that actually does go homw and do it. It doesn't even feel like a lie cos I'm not like a self harmer at all.

There's a massive assumption that its something you have grown out of by 24 and I'm just so 'normal' not a high or low achiever, never had awful things happen to me, just me.

I don't self injure on my arms. I never have.
There's a lot of people who don't because of the possibility of somebody finding out, or just to hide scars and such. But self harm is not area specific.

I have a pretty good life on the surface
achieve whatever i put my mind to
am always smiling and always put others before myself
I have lots of good friends
blood n stuff on other people quite often freaks me out a bit

but theres lots i don't think about because it confuses me
sometimes i feel really alone

just on the arms thing. For me never worked on other parts of my body. mixed up i know

-Straight 'A' student
-Live in a good home
-Attend a great school
-Have friends (not a lot, enough.)
-No scars on arms (well, lots of scars on my arms, but none from SI)
-No abuse in my past
-No obvious family problems
-Friendly, and can make conversation with almost everyone.
-Always smiling, when I'm around others.

• I was raised Christian most of my life (but I'm not anymore, parents don't know about it.)
• I make straight A's.
• My friends say I'm talented as a musician and writer.
• I'm described as very funny.
• I'm considered intelligent for my age (according to my friends and family.)
• I used to be very outgoing.
• I've never been abused sexually (I've only been abused physically and emotionally.)
• A lot of people say I'm nice and caring.
• A lot of people say I'm pretty.
• I seem to be in love with life.
• Everybody assumes I'm strong and independent; I do everything on my own and I'm fine with it.
• I seem to get what I need and want.
• My parents are still married.
• I smile a lot (they are supposedly genuine.)

However:

• I self injure.
• I've been bullied for a long time.
• I think I'm dumb.
• I'm an introvert.
• I'm a terrible perfectionist.
• I think I'm hideous inside and out.
• I have a very distant relationship with most of my family.
• I hate being alone. Gives me too much time to reflect on how horrible of a person I think I am.
• I'm out of control.
• I'm paranoid and I never trust people.
• I have an awful temper.
• My parents fight a lot.
• I'm hypersensitive.
• I have major depression.
• I feel alienated.
• I've lost a lot of people who were close to me.
• I'm not good with explaining my emotions to people.
• I'm anxious.
• I fake a smile every day to hide the pain I'm in.

Contradictions:

• Can't stand seeing others in pain, love seeing myself in pain.
• I try to save others when I can't even save myself.
• I don't like people worrying about me, but they always do.

- I'm an over achiever
- I do well in school
- I write and play music
- I have really good friends
- I've never had anything tragic happen to me. Ever.
- I always seem happy
-I seem in control
However:
-I don't like myself
-I never think I'm good enough
-My anxiety controls me
-I feel as if I'm a failure
My contradictions:
- I hate blood
-I'll tell everyone else not to worry, yet I always do
- I can give advice, just can't take it well

I really like this thread, it's been interesting to read. For me...

-I've always been the goody-two-shoes girl (on the outside)
-I was raised as the "Christian preacher's daughter"
-I graduated from college with honors
-I graduated with a degree in social work/psychology
-I've worked for a suicide/crisis intervention center, right after I started SI'ing, and told many people the things I should have listened to, myself
-I have no visible scars, only hidden ones. I've even convinced a police officer who had been called to check on me that I was fine and that there was a big misunderstanding, because of the fact I have no visible scars.
-I've rarely cried in front of anyone, not even my family
-I'm really good at hiding my depression

However:

-I've never been able to get over my father passing away unexpectedly when I was 19 (I'm 22 now) and it's one of the main reasons I'm so depressed
-I lost 2 of my friends in a drunk driving accident only a month before my father passed away
-I only have 2 friends and rarely get to see them, so I'm alone 98% of the time
-I've had extreme anxiety my whole life
-I've been unemployed since I graduated from college a year ago because there aren't any jobs and that makes me feel worthless and like a failure
-I have a really bad temper, but not many people see that because I hide it
-I feel like my life is passing me by and that I'm never going to have any of the things I want because nothing is happening for me
-And I just found out this week that my grandfather isn't going to make it more than a week or so because of his lung cancer and he's the only extended family I've really been close to

*people see me as very mature for my age
*I'm an overachever
*I have the most Loving, supportive family anyone could wish for
*I've never been abused in anyway
*I've been homeschooled most of my life, I've had a wonderful and shelted childhood

However
*I am not good at managing emotions
*I don't like myself
*I'm unable to forgive myself