So, I'm getting therapy...
 

Updates on my condition/therapy will be posted on this thread as replies.

I've been getting therapy for about a month now and my other thread is getting quite long, and now as I'm trying to stop harming. My other thread link is http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...d.php?t=127122 if anyone would like background information on me as I'll only be posting updates about my therapy here and what we're covering.

So, my therapist's name is Elizabeth and she seems very nice. She gave me this worksheet to complete at home today and I'm going to make another thread out of it here is the link: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=130306

So far, 5 days without harming

5 days is pretty good, well done.

Well done, lasting five days :)

Very well done.

Awhh well done, sweetie.
Good luck with therapy(: xo

Ok, I actually got some frickin' sleep last night! OMG! I haven't slept like that in years! Well my therapist wants me to take Trazodone 50mg for my insomnia, but when I looked up the medicine to find out more about it, not only are the side effects horrible but IT'S FOR DEPRESSION AND NOT INSOMNIA! I feel betrayed, did she lie to me?

Hmm, well have you started taking them?? If that us the reason fir you getting done sleep isn't that a good thing?

I don't think your therapist lied to you, maybe the medacition can be used to treat many things, maybe it treats depression but is given to people with insomnia, and maybe also the insomnia cones from being depressed and being stressed about many things. If it working and is something that will help you then it seems like a good thing. I do understand the worry about being put on medication or having labels or feeling like you have to be on medication all the time to be normal.

Maybe have a word with her abd tell get your worries and ask why she put you on them

Ive heard that trazodone can be used to treat insomnia.
I dont think your therapist would have lied to you.

I would believe your therapist is just trying to do what's best for you. She is a qualified personell, and most likely she's delt with similar cases earlier.
BUT. There is never wrong to ask questions. Tell her what you think, and what you've found out. Ask her why she thinks this is best for you, you have the right to know.
Edit: Congratulations on seeing someone, btw. That's a large step to take. :)

Thank you all for answering and reassuring me, I am terrified about all medications. I have looked it up and saw that it's used to treat insomnia, however I still think now isn't a good time to get on any medicines...phobia of meds

Tell this to your therapist. The best thing to do is just to talk, talk and talk some more. If she is going to help you, she needs to know your world. And it's better to say a little too much, than too little.
And, I don't know if this is the right thing to say here, but I'll do it anyway... Even though she GIVES you medications, you don't need to take 'em... ;)
(With that being said, I also enforce trusting professionals).

I'm relapsing again, I don't want to stop, I'm not ready yet
I need this, I'm selfish and stupid and I hate myself for needing this
I do though, I have fought urges nonstop for 6 days!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! That's it....I had to
I am going to go off the deep end if I try cold turkey right now
I should have listened to Elizabeth <therapist> she told me not to try cold turkey....
Why didn't I listen?
I'm so scared I'll need this forever...

Hey, Dont give up now, you are doing really well.

I know how hard it is, you dont have to give up cold turkey if you are not ready for it, but it doesnt mean you arent doing well if you have slip ups. You will still be doing well if you work on methods to replace the behaivour and gradually give up.
And dont feel bad for going against what your therapist said, you are still doing well, and going cold turkey and resisting for 6 days is an achievement even if you have to start again. Talk to her and explain what you have been trying to do and im sure she will support you and give you some advise.

You wont always be feeling like this, it doesnt have to be forever. Take care x

I have to start again, but I feel better now that I've harmed. I harm to punish myself so if I don't I feel really bad...

I'm also very worried, my husband might lose his job...I don't know if I can work right now, I'm so worried. How will we survive?

Sorry that you harmed :( but at least it released some of the stress and you can continue again.

I know that sometimes things seem really bad abd that everything is going wrong, but there will be a way through it, I'm sure. Money is very low for me and my boyfriend now, but things usually seem to be ok and will get better.

I know it's kind of impossible, bbut try not to worry too much about what could happen, try to think of some positive things or what you can do to get through it x

I may not ever meet you, but beleive me whenI say I am proud of you for getting help. I havn't even had the courage to tell anyone really, just the people that I know won't be able to do anything (I'm a cowerd at heart) No one stops the first time they try to quite, beleive me, I have tried many, many times now, and I was lucky to last a week, ou should be proud of the five days you lasted. Consider it a goal; you got 5 last time, now go for 7. Baby steps is the key. I know what it is to feel as you do. I truly hope you find the cure to your problem, when you do, you can hold your head proud and say, "I am a true surviver!"

Thank you snow! Very encouraging! I'm fighting it now as well. It just won't stop, I lied to my friend and told her I quit...why'd I lie to her, I love her and she's all I have left. . . there dumb*ss that's why you lied. she's all you have left for friends.

snuggles husband close...trying to sleep but the damned clown won't leave my dreams :(

My in laws just took a shot at me for not having a job...my friend's here and it's his 21st birthday and I feel like going in the bathroom and slicing my leg to pieces ><

Ren! Forget the inlaws! They aren't worth it.

It's okay that you harmed again, you know that. I hope you haven't sliced your legs to pieces, that's probably not good. I hope you had a good time with your friend and his 21st, those are usually pretty cool.

Try not to worry about your husband losing his job. He will be fine. I hope you don't have to work, but there are options available to you. So hang in there.

It'll be okay Ren, you're never alone. I still read your original thread every once in a while and remember how amazing you are. You're strong, and you can get through anything at all.

I hate it here *GRAPHIC*
 

*GRAPHIC*

I hate it here, I hate living, I hate having to put on a fake smile everyday of my life, I hate that he raped me and I am afraid of men, I hate not having a job, I hate that I'm not in college yet, I hate that I have nothing to fill my time with, I hate that I feel like slashing myself to pieces everyday, I hate that I love that blade, I hate that I need to see blood to feel ok, I hate that I'm OCD about everything, I hate that small things bother me, I hate myself for hating all these things...

Ok, now that I've ranted, here's what set me off:

I get my income taxes back in, and my husband says that I can apply for a loan to get that Kawasaki Ninja I've been drooling over for 5 years....well guess what, with good credit and no loans, kids, rent, I can't get a loan through my bank...I actually let myself be happy and get my hopes up. I feel so retarded about this leading to me harming myself but I can't help it, seems like everything/anything is a good excuse to pick that blade up.

It seems that just to function normally I have to walk around with gashes on my legs and feel them sting so I can be punished, I don't want to be punished anymore! Haven't I done it enough? Haven't I cried enough, haven't I bled enough? Has the damage I've done to myself been good enough? It wouldn't matter what I wanted whether it be a car/bike/bicycle, I never get it...I should be used to this by now.

I feel like a child, but the fact of the matter is "I would like something, ANYTHING, to just go right for once in my pathetic excuse for a life".

You're better than that. Seems like you hate a lot, but not much of which you should hate yourself for. Sounds like a rather self perpetuating cycle, which of course just makes it all worse.

Now let's talk about that silly motor bike. I don't know why the bank decided to refuse your loan, but there are other companies that you can talk to and possibly get different loan. And regardless, times are hard and credit can be difficult to come by. Talk to your Husband and see what he says. Maybe he'll have a different idea or take on the matter.

As for school and work, well it's difficult under the best of circumstances. School is kicking me around pretty hard at the moment. It's nothing to be jealous about :) And work sucks. I know times are hard and life is just plain difficult, but you really are doing amazingly well. Just hang in there and don't give up.

It's not wrong to have expectations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. They are good, actually. It's a positive, and gives you reasons to hope and dream. The only one punishing anyone is yourself. I personally think you've done more than enough, and it's time to hang out, and enjoy life perhaps?

You're life isn't pathetic nor is it an excuse for anything. You'll have your victory and it will be all the sweeter for the difficulty.

I got approved from a lending company, my husband's being mean to me over it...he has his bike and it's $10,000 loan...why can't I get a $5,100 loan? It's not fair...we CAN afford this

I thought that he said you could, and I took that to mean you should. If he has his, the interest shouldn't be too bad. Maybe he's just stressed over something else. You seem to have wanted it for a long time, and it would make you happy. You deserve a victory.

Well, Melchoir, I agree in the fact that I deserve a victory but I just suffered a defeat...notes over $200 a month, Daniel says we can't afford it and I'm heartbroken. Just another example of my sh!tty luck in life...I hate it here!

I'm glad that you got one victory, and I'm sure good things can happen for you if you keep trying, and you also deserve it.

Sounds like you are having a hard time with money right now and I undestamd what a strain that can put on things. Maybe daniel is acting in this way because he is stressed and also worried about what could happen, but I'd he still getting his own loan?? It seems a little unfair if he won't let you get one......tbh I just think this I the way men act possibly, if they worry about something they won't let you do it, but can do it themselves (no offence to anyone, just how my bf acts too sometimes)

Amen! He got a 4wheeler and a $10,000 streetbike and 2 cars...i have a wrecked car and a dotted line to sign to get that bike, i'm so tempted to just go sign it. ><

Do it if you really want to....it sounds like something you want or need.

The notes ARE too high now that I do the budget over again...i fail once more

I want to text her, but I know she hates me...help me

Try not to if you know it won't help and will cause you pain.

I understand it's hard if that is the one person you want to reach out to and want to talk to.

Is there anyone else you can try to contact??

I aggree with Nicola, if she causes you pain, dont.
Talk to us instead.
I have read your other post and this post so I know what its been like for you "sends massive cuddles".
Feel free to PM me anytime you feel like talking or venting to someone.

Thank you silent, I'll take you up on that sometime if I can get some time...I've been doing housework like a madwoman to distract myself...

I'm out of sharp blades and I'm scared, if the blade is sharp I don't need to go as deep because it'll hurt just as much if I make a few small ones...I'm so scared...Nightmares are back, so vivid...flashbacks so real

I don't wanna deal with this...I can't deal with this, does God hate me? I'm Christian and I was told he loves me...why is He letting these horrible circumstances get worse...

No, God does NOT hate you. He loves you. Before you say anything, I know, it feels like he has abandoned us (im christian also) but he hasnt. It says somewhere in the bible, "draw close to me and ill draw close to you". Its true. God doesnt go anywhere - we are the ones that move closer/further away from him. He is staying in the one spot, waiting for you to draw close to him, to pray to him. He wants to have communication with you because he LOVES you.

I know when you are feeling so bad at the moment it is hard to see the truth but what I have said above is the truth and dont worry, you are not alone in feeling like God has abandoned you.

take care,

silentgirl

Dear Everyone...
 

I think what nine said was right. You are not hated or abandoned, you have dont nothing at all to be hated for. I know it can sometimes feel like you are all alone and everyone is against you and it is really hard, or hard to see things any other way.

Maybe you need to reach out to god? or try to find more faith.
Keep faith, im sure things will get better at some point, you can not know everything that will happen yet. I guess its hard to see it positively, and it does seem unfair, but maybe bad things happen, or you are struggling for a reason, and you will learn from the things you go through and get something better when you come out the other side. We could experience pain in our lives so that happiness is true and more special.

Hope you are ok

My Mother...
 

Well my mother has this idea in her head that all Hondas are beaters...so when she called me and told me this lady was selling a beat-up 95 Honda I was thrilled. I thought OMG I'M GETTING A CAR!!!! Then she blew it off for a Maxima...a piece o' ***** Maxima. She doesn't know the year of the car, what type of motor/transmission is in it, if it's been wrecked, or even what f*cking color it is and wants me to blindly put $400 on it...I don't have money to throw away like that and she got mad at me when I told her I was looking for a car that was reliable and that I semi-liked and she just blows up on me...I give up

"cuddles tight"

I'm out of blades, the only comfort I have is that I ordered some new ones from a shopping website. That's kinda pathetic, but it makes me feel better just knowing they're there. It's funny how I have more people supporting me and helping me through my life on a website than I do in my actual day-to-day life, I can be myself here. No one's judging me, it's so freeing and just so, well, abnormal for me. I'm so used to being whoever and whatever my family/friend(s) want me to be that I kinda feel like I lost part of myself.

I'm babbling but sometimes when I get on RYL I tell myself," Now that I'm here all the bad things will go away, no one's here to judge me or hurt me, and no one will say bad things about me if I need to talk about my issue(s)" and I just feel so damned good. This site has really helped me and I'm so thankful for it, I hope one day when I recover (yes I said WHEN, not IF) I can be a moderator and help this site out. It's given so much to me.

I'm still neck deep in issues, but right now I feel a certain peace <prolly because I know my blades are coming in the mail in a few days, they're like my security blanket> I am going to try and make today a good day.

My husband and I are going to the zoo like we did when we first started dating, we're gonna take a buncha pictures of us actin silly as hell and lookin at all kinds of animals and we're actually going to get to talk and I'll be happy...yeah...new word for me....but I'll be happy...I'm going to accept who I am for just today and like myself...or at least try to!