does anything work when you're like this?
 

So I want to cut. Again. And my biggest concern right now is where I will cut myself that noone will see it. If I could cut with no chance of anyone noticing I would just do it every day. That in itself is ridiculous, and if someone else wrote this stuff in the forum I'd be full of advice and support and caring for them. So why can't I take my own advice and care even a little about myself.

I have many scars all over my arms, but they are healed long ago and people understand that its something from my past that I don't talk about. New scars are more problematic and harder to explain away at nearly 40 years old.

I have been home for a total of 30mins today, made myself busy visiting friends, exercising, playing with my Goddaughter in the sun, laughing, telling jokes....and now I'm home and bang, that overpowering feeling is straight back. If I have enough control to sit and figure out where and when then why can't I just not do it?

How do any of you actually distract yourself long enough for the urge to pass? I guess I must have all those years ago when I was SI free for so long, but I can't remember the "final time" was it a big deal, or did I just kind of stop and not realise it as the momentous occasion that it was?

This latest relapse each time the urge has come, I've cut. Pathetic, I have a great job, and many beautiful people in my life why do I have to do this. I don't want to lose it all and if people know I'm cutting I will lose everything and everyone that matters to me.

What am I doing wrong?

I'm sorry that things aren't going well. :/ But I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You clearly already know that harming is insidious, and that it takes a lot of willpower to keep from it over a long period of time. I don't mean to be negative, but I don't think you can be blamed for lapsing. *hug*

As for distractions, I find physical exercise to be the most helpful; sometimes, at loose ends and in dire need of something, I have rearranged the furniture in the house, laundered all the rugs and curtains, scrubbed windows...etc. By the time everything is done, not only am I usually beat, the house is sparkling. :P Double benefit. Going for a long run is another good one.

It sounds like your family support is pretty good; is there anyone among them you can confide in?

Best of luck to you, and I hope you can stay safe.

*hugs* me too...

actually, the need to hide it does help me not to SH, especially as it's summer here, so lots of time in swimming costumes, shorts etc it doesn't stop me being self-destructive in other ways, but it does reduce the SH

How's it going with the counsellor? have you seen a doctor about it? Some meds may help in the short term while you work through stuff

I also have lots of lovely friends and a great job, sometimes that's not enough... try not to beat yourself up about it, the SH is a symptom of underlying needs that aren't being met in more constructive ways

Tok xxx

PS how about knitting ;)

thanks guys, got through the night with only minor damage so all good, back at work this morning and ready for my big day.

Pierrot I did go for a 4hour cycle, even that didn't work yesterday :(

No family support but I have lots of friends, I did confide in one who asked if I cut in front of her whether it would help. Weird, needless to say I haven't spoken to her about it again.

Yup, been to the doc and the meds do take the edge off, back to my counsellor tomorrow but tbh she's not been much use so might try one my doctor has suggested who specialises in SH.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply,seems there's not that many of us roaming this forum, what with the time difference over here in NZ coupled with the fact that I'm a lot older than 99% of the RYL family it feels even here sometimes I'm alone with this. *feels sorry for herself!*

*sits down next to Joni & gives her a hug*

you're not alone with this, I'm the same age and also in the Southern hemisphere (admittedly a good few miles from NZ, but that's the beauty of the internet!)

a counsellor who is experienced in SH sounds a good idea

hang in there girl :)

A counselor who specializes in SH. Wow! That might be a lucky break for you, especially considering that the one you have now isn't that helpful to you. Good luck with that! :) And if you ever need someone to talk with, I'd be glad to listen.

Hey im only about 3 hours behind you (in australia) and i can understand some of what you are going through. Im 32 and have been SH since i was 13. Sometimes i find nothing works and i hear your frustration. I have my ''distraction'' list that works sometimes.

Im here if you ever want to chat :)

although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is comforting to know there are others out there struggling with the same kind of things, so thanks. I just feel so old, and I was so damned close to having it all together....maybe I still am.

Bad day today, its the 1st anniversary of my Uncle's death who was the one person in my real world who knew everything and accepted me for who I was and took my side every time. I so deeply miss him ;( On top of that a close friend had a massive heart attack yesterday and is in a coma, so understandably a bit fragile.

Off to see the current counsellor tomorrow, I'm nervous about telling her I think I need to see someone else, hopefully she supports me in my thoughts, but its hard starting again with someone new hey.

Anyway, meds and sauv kicking in, so off to sleep now. Thanks all you lot from slightly different time zones, sorry to be so needy. Hugs to you all, I very much appreciate you.

I feel like this a lot but I have actually noticed one or 2 more NZers (you being one, obviously) around here in the last couple of months so that's good :-D

Well not good that they're struggling, obviously, but good for the whole not feeling alone thing. Maybe one day we can finally have an NZ meet.

urghhh, I hated having to say to my psychologist that I wasn't going any more (had the convenient excuse of not being able to afford it, but still was diffiuclt to say) - weird when you know it's their job & they must be used to hearing it....

*hugs about your uncle & friend*

Thanks Tok, it was actually quite easy cos I chickened out!

I did bring it up and tell her I was worried and that my doc had recommended another counsellor who specialised in SH and asked her thoughts on that. She said that I needed to close that chapter of my life and leave it in my late teens, not drag it into my 40s. At the time it all made sense, but now I'm back feeling that she doesn't get me and if it was that easy I'd have already done that.

She suggested I pick a date to stop SH, like "April the 10th" which again at the time made sense, but now I feel that I have free reign to do whatever I like to myself until then which creates "she doesn't give a ***** about me" thoughts.

aaaah, not sure what I feel really. Think I just want someone to really care about me, she never checks up on me and just says 'text me when you want another appointment'. I think you said the other night that my SH was replacing something I wasn't getting from somewhere else, and you're probably right. Maybe I should ditch her and just pay you, you make more sense than her lol...

Anyway, today is better than yesterday, my friend is out of the ICU and now in the cardiac unit which is great news.

How was work for you today Tok?

Hey Effervescence, how you doing now? One day we'll have enough RYL family to fill a small table out somewhere in New Zealand lol. Happy birthday for yesterday, sorry that it wasn't as happy as it could have been hun *hugs*

????? leave it in your teens? just choose a day to stop? if you could do that, surely you would have already? I'd say that shows how little she knows about SH (and how little she knows about you, which is even more worrying if you've been seeing her a while).

feel free to pay me ;) I'll save up and join the small table in NZ!

Good that your friend is getting better...

I had a good meeting to start the day, so that's good.... feeling a bit over whelmed by the amount of work vs my ability to focus at the moment, plus we've had 4 break ins and a flood in the last week, all silly little things with minimal damage and due to carelessness, but unfortunately the site is (just one of) my responsibilities so I have to do lots of boring 'stuff' instead of what I enjoy, which is strategy/planning/big-picture-and-delegate-the-details stuff :( oh well, no-one said it was going to be easy... someone has to save all these little AIDS babies, promote world peace etc etc

Hey there.
I'm sorry you are struggling with SH urges and all that goes with them.
I'm 36.. been self harming for 11 years

A counsellor who specialises in SH sounds like it's worth exploring. May be you could go for an initial meeting to see what they are like and whether you ahve a connection with them??

take good care

Thanks Tok, and nice to meet you agedharmer [that would make me evenmoreagedharmer!] Because of your words I did text the "new" lady today, haven't heard anything back from her as yet, but actually in an OK space so not stressing about it.

Keep the advice coming, we're all geniuses I reckon, now if only we could take our own advice.......

Hope all who've popped in on this thread are doing OK
Joanie
x

yes, in one of the other threads someone suggested a website with all the answers to Life would be a great idea - I reckon this is the website, unfortunately we're all better at giving good advice than taking it!

Hey jonie, sorry it took me so long to notcie your thread.
something that i find works for me if in im the right space is the 15minute game.
what you go is you say i will not harm myself in anyway for teh next5,10,15 mins. you can start as low as you like and you justkeep going that next ___ mintues and at somepoint youll notice the urge has passed and you have beaten the urge.

thanks Merri, I'll give that a go....tonight!

Actualy have been really good this last week, I've been away with my friend and 3yr old god daughter, so no desire or opportunity to SH. Today its all I can think about, gonna be a long night.

I have a big week coming up, with a couple of specialist appointments, my first new psychotherapist session, the next step in progressing my relationship break up with looking to sell the house and a presentation to give at the end of the week which is outside my skill set currently to a bunch of VIPs.

Hmmm, methinks I have a bit on and not terribly surprised I'm freaking out.

Anyway, will try and be gentle with myself *hopes*

How you doing today?

Hey jonikd
I thought I was the only person in 40's ....distraction I find is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.. I too find professionals just do not get it! I have been told to hold ice... hold ice!!!! I can't be stuffed going to freezer when my head is in that space... i tried the waiting game, it was semi successful but for me I find the onlything that works is to curl up in the quietness place possible...listen for your pounding heart beat and focus on it...i usually fall asleep like a baby....once under my bed....

Thanks Pagie, think there's a few of us roaming around out there. I've successfully negotiated today really triggered, and its nearly bedtime.

Strategy was to keep busy....so I filled the day with an 80k cycle, 2 loads of washing, cleaned my bike, washed the car, vacumned, changed sheets, cleaned bathrooms, sorted rubbish, cleaned pantry, spent a few hours on RYL went to a bbq.... If I keep this up I'll fall in a heap!

One day at a time though, now home and have taken meds and pretty mellow now.

I just don't think they know what to do with oldies like us who are still self harming, we're definately a minority. Your strategy is worth a try, I guess taking a bunch of calming drugs and heading to bed is similar, I wouldn't fit under my bed unfortunately ;)

Take care, thanks for bothering to post and yeah,nah, ice wouldn't work for me either, but I guess everything's worth a try.
Joanie
x

Hi Joanie - yep, coming back from a good time is sooo difficult, suddenly back in the space... hope you made it OK. I find housework a good distraction, but for it to work I need to let it get so dusty I can see where I've cleaned!
xxx

I feel I'm jumping into a thread where everyone seems to know each other and I don't want to intrude. I'm in my forties and worry about hiding new cuts and I worry about people seeing scars but nobody ever comments on them even when I think they are so obvious. Distraction techniques are fine but does anybody else have the problem of distracting all day but still harming anyway at night because once the thought is there it won't go away until you act on it? I always damage more when I've spent all day triggered, which is more often than not and is pretty bad at the moment.

Hi venusbabe, not at all, I've only recently joined ryl and still finding my feet.

Yup, I get the same as you in that often when I think about SH all day I generally end up making time to do it no matter how busy I make myself. Ryl has stopped me a few times recently, when I spend 2 hrs online giving advice and support to someone else by the time I've finished I'm tired and would feel like a bit of a hypocrite if I went ahead and cut.

I'm going to my new counsellor this arvo,will let you know any tips I get :D

Think even knowing we're not alone with this helps, I'm always around so yell if you want to chat.

Hugs to all
Joanie
xx

Joanie, good luck with the new counsellor. I would love to say something really supportive but words fail me but I am thinking of you and sending hugs because you are the sweetest person. xx

awww thanks *feels better than she has today* No real tips for us all, we just had a bit of a meet and greet and she didn't push me too hard. Reckons in two years we'll have me sorted!!....that and a small personal loan from my side probably. She's very expensive, but think I'll give it a go, better than losing my job because of my SH. I guess I thought it would not be that major given I was 15 years SH free, I had hoped this was a bit of a blip, but guess there's still a lot roaming around deep down.

Ironically she can't see me until mid April as she's so busy and with Easter in there too, as a BPD sufferer that's just typical, but I can see the funny side of it to a point.

How are you doing venusbabe?

It's sweet of you to ask when you have so much going on in your life to cope with. Maybe you went back to SI because of all that's happening for you right now? Maybe for 15 years life was calm enough to cope with but now it's erupted and SI is your way through it.
I've damaged a lot today. Nothing drastic but I've done it on two occasions already, once this morning and once this aft and that hasn't happened for a long time. I feel like I can't do it enough today and I'm just waiting for evening to come round so I can do it again. Being OCD if I cut on more than one occasion then I have to do it three times. It's also raining which it hasn't done for weeks and the darkness of the rain is getting to me.
I hope your friend is doing ok and I'm sure you'll do brilliantly with the presentation.
H xx

Hi Joanie
How was the presentation? I'm glad you've found someone with experience of working with people who SH, 2 years will fly by :)

I know what you mean about expensive - luckily work is paying for mine, I couldn't afford it otherwise...

take care
xxx

Hey gals, it actually went really well thanks. I struggled when I was on my own the week away, particularly leading up to it, but kicked arse on the day and kept off the booze to give myself the best chance.

Tough week surrounded by people with my "totally in control" face on, home now so can let my guard down a bit.

Sorry to hear you'd hurt yourself venusbabe, stay safe and I hope things are a bit better for you now.

Hugs to you both
JK
x

Crap, might have let my guard down too far and I hurt myself tonight worse than normal this latest relapse. I thought I was in control of my SH, but right now I'm not so sure.

Kind of don't have any support at the moment, as going through a counsellor change but the new one can't see me until after Easter and the old one hasn't even checked to see if I'm still alive.

Hoping tomorrow is a bit better :(

I totally understand about letting your guard down too much and then having to hurt yourself a lot. I do that fairly often and always beat myself up for it. I expect the old counsellor not checking on you is hurtful to you too. If you damaged more than usual then it's just a blip; that's what I tell myself when I cut more than usual. After a few days I usually find my emotions have calmed and I either don't cut for a couple of days or cut less. You will be back in control again soon sweetie so don't be too hard on yourself.
I am thinking of you. xx

Perhaps it's just a reaction after a pressurised week - don't be hard on yourself, it happens. Well done for a great presentation! And for holding it together all week :)

Thanks Tok, just gave myself a real fright, now feeling sore and a bit sorry for myself :( But bouncing back :)

How you going with your friend there?
xx

Having a great time! I'll be very sorry when she leaves, also my closest friends here are away for a long weekend, so a bit worried about how I'll cope when she goes on Saturday...

xxx