Survivors of Female Abusers Support Thread
 

This is a support thread for people who have been abused by girls or women. That includes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, and abusers including mothers, aunts, sisters, friends, girlfriends, etc.

All too often people assume those that abusers are male, especially in the case of sexual abuse. However, that is not so. Too many people in these situations face questions like "Who was HE?" or "She's just a girl/woman, you should be able to fight back." and in the case of a family member "She wouldn't ever do that!" Stereotypes of women being kind, loving nurturers are not always true. Here there won't be any shame or shock in your being hurt by a woman. We know that they can be just as violent and cruel as men.

Feel free to share any stories, memories, problems and ask for advice.

*hugs for all*

first to post..um..I've had alot of "experiance" I guess you could say with being abused by women, well, girlfriends, hte first g/f I had that abused me it was emotional abuse, she played mind games with my head and told me that she was only using me and such.
most recently, two years ago I was in a bad relationship with a girl, as alot of you know, what most people don't know is that she r*ped me on more then one occation, I did not say no because every time I tried she wouldn't listen and would take advantage of me anyway. she was also, mentally, physically and emotionally abusive as well as sexually, and she would always apologize after anything she did to me and said that she would "never do it again" what alot of people don't see from that relationship is the pain and torment that I went through, I had to be her caretaker, her keeper, I had to do nearly everything for her and keep her alive, and she fed on that. most people think that it was just a petty teenage relationship that ended badly, but they arn't in myshoes and to have people tell me that "oh you don't know what you're talking about blah blah blah" irritates me to no end. because they've never been in my situation.
even now seeing her in the halls, or talking to her, even if it's jsut a "hi" (I always have friedns around when she decides to talk to me, because there's a potential that she could hurt me) it fills me with sheer terror.
and I can't get away from her, my state doesn't beleive that a girl could be as abusive as she was, so they did nothing. I have to wait til I go to college to be free of her, it's also ruined me for future relationships, I have a really hard time trusting other girls, I'm getting better at it and I love the girlfriend I have with all my heart because she understands and is very patient and understanding with me.
but the sexual part of a relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't think I can be that way with a woman again for a long time, because of the things that my ex did to me, and that infuritates me that I can't share the utmost act of love with the person that I love because I'm damaged.
I'm slowly getting better with trusting and being open with my partner though and it's taken and will take a lot of time and healing. but I think now I'm finally on the right path.

*hugs* Thanks for sharing Sunni. You really went through a lot with her, and it's wrong that she wasn't able to be punished for what she did just because people didn't think she was "capable". I'm sure in time with help you'll be able to heal from everything, and you're welcome to share more anytime you want.

sarah just wanted sends you cuddles if does wants them..
is sorry did goes through what you did, but hopes you keeps on the right paths makes to be betters.

and is gotsa lots pretty name *nods* sunni.. like a big sunshine :D

I'm not sure if being physically and verbally assaulted in varying degrees on a daily basis at school for over a decade by up to 20 or more of my peers qualifies me for inclusion in this thread. But they were all girls, all my age, and they all abused me. And left a lot of scars, trauma emotional-body memory scars. It started when I was 6, and ended when they all left school at 16/17. It started out with several girls, and by the time I was 17, it was more than 20 of them, and doing things like throwing a chair across the room at me. And the names. The ridicule.
Some might say "oh, it's just bullying". Just?

I've had several girls, but one in particular, be fairly emotionally abusive. we weren't in a romantic relationship or anything but this one just loved to mess with my head, tell me elaborate lies, threaten suicide in front of me, all sorts of stuff. i think she did that to everyone. i sometimes don't even believe she really meant to hurt me, but everyone says she did. so i don't know, but yeah girls can be cruel.

One of my abusers was a woman - i was a child, she was an adult... i always felt like no one would believe the things she did :(

i may semi-qualify... my mum is emptionally abusive and used to be physically too

Not a lot to say but thank you for creating this thread, one of my abusers and the main feeder of abuse was a female. For years I felt very isolated by this, especially being a girl myself, I was only young and thought maybe that was just how older women act with young people. I also felt like I wasn't strong enough didn't say no hard enough because as a mother she should feel something when I was in pain ( not my mother I want to say)

thanks Sarah *hugs back*
and Shadow-light, that does qualify sweetie *hugs*

Sometimes when i was with my ex, particularly when it was the group of them im convinced there was a female.. the smell and structure... was more feminine but i dont know whether that counts. Also the person who got me into that mess... the one who hooked me up with him and a couple of months back got me r*ped again (she told me where to be, the guys knew my timetable.. she told me to meet her in the subway so we could go to tescos together and the rest is history) was a girl.

I think this is a very good thread, thank you for creating it, im sure many people will bennefit from it being here, sending cuddles to everyone, take care of yourselves x

My mother used to rub or touch my bare bottom in the bathroom. As soon as I was aware of what was happening I blocked myself from having any sexual feelings and in a way I am glad for that.

I still hate her for what she's done to me. She said that if I didn't explain why I didn't want her to touch me then it was my own fault. Bitch.

I am hoping to get away in a month or two. Get a job, find an apartment. School didn't work out, so why not spread my wings and fly away instead of suffering for no cause?

Edit: I used to shout at her and once I almost hit her for what she was doing. I ****ing hate her.

I used to be emotionally abused for about 4 years by a woman. In a way its worse than the sexual abuse because its more of a mindf*ck , and I have alot of trouble talking about it.

Me. I think. But it was complicated.

I don't have anything to say at the moment but I wanted to say I like this thread =)

To lynx: I hope you manage to get out soon you don't deserve to be around that.

To Northernlights: Would you care to share what you think might qualify as abuse? Even if it's complicated you're welcome to tell.

To Neonhaze: Would you like to try to talk about what happened at all? You said it's difficult but maybe this could be a good outlet to start a little. :)

By the way I'm amazed at the turnout! I'm glad this can be so useful. Be sure to etll any friends you feel might benefit from this thread as well. *hugs for all*

I guess I'd call it bullying, rather than abuse. Though, bullying is abusive, so perhaps it's the same.



It's really hard to tell anyone about that, because it's hard to explain just how worn down I was by the bullying back then. I was like a frightened mouse. So I'm sure they wouldn't take it seriously. I know it's not a big thing, and I'm not massively traumatised by it, but it has had a longstanding effect on me still.

Bullying is abuse.
If an adult did that to another adult, it would be abuse, no questions. Fact that you were both teenagers is neither here nor there.
And you're right, it does wear you down. The constant hyper-vigilance and everything.

--

I guess... I'm feeling upset that bullying is somehow classed differently by people, different to 'real abuse'. It just really upsets me. Hell. What I, and many, have endured is real abuse.

Just because that's not "massive trauma" that doesn't mean that it's not worth acknowledging. It sounds like she really did hurt you, and ended up molesting you as well. She sounds like a typical passive aggressive "queen bee" bully. That humiliation (esp public humilation) can be a killer as well. When you're hurt emotionally it can last just as long, and I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us. *hugs*

I think people like to think of bullying as different to abuse as they hear about bullying more and so sort of get desensiticed to it... or think that it's kids exadurating... or something....

but bullying is abuse, and bullying can happen to so many different degrees. I wrote a thing on here and on my websites last year about bullying and the effects it can have to try to demonstrate that it is serious, not sure if it changed anyones perception though

Why is it abuse when adults attack each other and children, but when children attack each other it's bullying, and doesn't matter?

*goes to hide again*

I think people associate "bullying" with playground teasing and a kid getting beat up once on a while. After all, what NorthernLights just described is clearly emotional and sexual abuse. I think the term "sexual bullying" also completely waters down sexual assaults and harassment. People think kids and teens aren't capable of inflicting severe abuse, which is quite ridiculous. I think the wording can have a big impact.

ye, I think people think that children can't hurt others, a bit like how they think women cannot hurt children.

People have this idea that trauma is caused by adult men, and noone else... it's a stupid steriotype

i had a girlfriend,when i was younger I'd say about 15 or so. Who determined she wanted to hurt me, for no reason at all. She drove a knife into a section of my abdomen and ripped from one side to the other. it wasn't a very big knife, but the cut hurt a lot. i went to the hospital and they stitched me up, i still have a scar, which i now tell people it is from the way i sit, where my ribs fold the skin. Though inside i know it isn't true. it just makes everything easier to cope with.

The same girl talked to me a few days ago. told me i was a low-life loser who should be dead, and that i shouldn't mind f*ck people. But I have done nothing, and never will do anything to her.

She may be wrong,cruel,abusive and a little bit of a masochist, but i cannot find it in myself to return her cruelty. I politely asked her to stop contacting me, and i believe she will.

that's my story. :ermm:

*hugs Del gently* That cut on your tummy sounds really painful, inside and outside. You're not a low life loser or anything like that and she's just being cruel saying that. Her saying stupid things like that just prove how helpless she is. You're a better person not hurting ber back but I don't think the politely asking will work so well. If she's contacting you through phone/internet I think you should try to change your number or sn/e-mail or just block her. If she's contacting you in person maybe we can all help you do something to keep safe so she doesn't try to hurt you again?

Thanks a lot for sharing, you did a great job. :)

i think sometimes people don't class their own experience with bullying as abuse cause they don't want to be seen as "dramatic", which is due to society accepting bullying so much. It's not right, but i think society is more used to it. but it's still abuse, regardless of if legal consequences are different for children. i know what some people mean by bullying being hard to pin down. throughout school i was constantly left out, and had people saying things about my body, stuff like that. but it was always like passive aggressive so it was hard to say things were wrong. i think that's why i allowed the emotional abuse with my friend when i was a teenager cause i was used to people putting me down and then acting like it wasn't serious. plus she would sometimes be nice and sometimes say off the cuff mean things, not to mention threatening me but doing it in a way of like a hypothetical situation. but that doesn't mean it didn't cause fear, it just made it so i didn't realize anything was wrong until much later.

Hey peeps I don't really wanna share with the group right now having a bad week just saying Hello :) x

ugh...my ex called me a few minutes ago....I can't block her number because I don't have it and I don't have caller ID
she wants to spend "a week alone" with me after I graduate to "say goodbye"
I told her no, because that could end badly and would end badly and I would get hurt again, both physically, mentally and emotionally.
she had the nerve to say "but, baby I love you"
I politely told her that, while that may be so on her part, that I don't love her anymore and not to call me again, and that I didn't care if she was bleeding on the floor she wasn't to call me.
I'm taking weightlifting so that if I get into a physical fight with her again I can defend myself and I won't end up with a black eye.
part of me thinks and knows, that she's just gunna use me for sex and I don't want that to happen again :crying:

Sweetheart why don't you call your phone service or go to the store and change the phone number, that way she at least can't call you. And don't you think you just need to stay there and take all that hurt, esp if she tries to hit or touch you again. Was anyone at school able to help you?

no, I tried they didn't beleive me for one because we were so on/off and having bad fights last year and said that even if it was true they couldn't do anything being that I'm almost 20 years old and she's still a minor (and yet if I were the one beating the Sh*t out of her everyday they could damn well do something about that)
and I can't change the number cause it's my house phone, I got my cell permanently turned off because she would hassle me.

Thanks - I will try, but in a way I find myself being more ashamed of this more than any of the other abuse I went through, and I think its because she had such a hold over me. She managed to completely alienate me from my family. She was 34, and at the the time I was 12-15, (18 now) and I dont know. I know I need to get it out, but its hard as hell to explain what she did.

And perfectmess *hugs* well done for getting this out and standing up to her.

It's okay to feel ashamed and scared, but we won't shame you at all no matter what you tell us. You can even PM me if you want first to "test the waters" before posting to the whole of RYL. It is hardest to talk about people who had such a psychological hold on you, and often women do that a bit better than men! Part of why I made this thread. *hugs* Take your time, and I'm sure it'll come out when you're ready.

I really like this thread.
Where my childhood sexual abuse took place is where I first experienced abuse at the hands of females, though at the time I was more concerned with the man. his wife would watch what he did to me, and her daughter would tell me I was a freak and that no one loved me, and she tried to drown me.
I started getting harrassed in middle school, followed by a group of people who put stuff in my locker and called my house to swear at me, etc.
Then I moved (from overseas0 back to the U.S. and in 8th grade because I was new and insecure and had recently pulled out my eyebrows and eyelashes, I was kicked down in hallways, grabbed onto, shoved into classrooms and locked there, etc. Then my "friend" who included me, began pulling my hair and grabbing my arms and twisting them, breaking a nail on one occasion, and would kick me if I said her name, leaving a bruise all the way up to my knee from my ankle. What really took the cake though, was when it began. The first time she laid a hand on me was in gym class when I got in her way during volleyball, and she said I had hit her hand while reaching for the ball at the same time, so I apologized and moved to the other side of the net. She followed me, and in front of the whole class, threw me onto the ground and started stomping on my back and kicking me, while the class and the teacher just watched.
Sorry that was so much info, I just dont talk about it much.

That was a really crap teacher that would just stand there and not step in when that other girl was beating you up! I'm glad you were comfortable enough to share that much about the girls in school and adult abusers, that shows you needed it and were able to get it. :) *hugs*

So... guess it's my turn to talk a little now... I've been abused by a whole lot of people, more than (then?) I care to admit, but the worst and longest abuse was by women, starting with my mother who was an extremely emotional abusive person. She died when I was 13, I think if she hadn't she would still be abusing me.
I still can't stand it if someone I don't trust 100% tries to make *any* sort of decision for me...

okay, that's all I'm comfortable sharing for now, but if anyone is curious or just wants to talk, just pm. :)

*hugs everyone*

The first two abusive interactions I had were both with females. I don't usually think of them though because other things since then have screwed me up worse.

just thoughted would say well done to all the peoples whats been braves enoughs to tell theys storys.. *gives you all stickers and cuddles* :)

No she gave up, quietly and without a fight because she knows that even though she is cruel and i am "weak" to her i would defend myself if she came to me again. Which is why she won't bother.

I don't wanna go tomorow, she's apparently blaming me for everything that her other ex is doing {basically her ex is more ballsy then me and told Amanda she was gunna ruin her life and expose her to the entire school for what she was, my ex has some serious mental issues, like she wants to be a male. and that alone scares me because she's denying it face to face with anyone BUT me, even requested that I call her "Caiden" when no one else was around}
and she thinks that I'm in on it to, she blames every one of us that she used to be friends with for her screwing up her life.
what do I do with that? because I haven't done anything to her.
and I'm scared of what she's gunna tell me on my last day before I graduate because I know it's gunna be "I miss you and I lied, I never used you" just because she doesn't want me to leave here. :crying:

Sweetheart, you really shouldn't even let her talk to you. She's only going to tell you things that will be hurtful and while you might be curious, it's probably nothing you don't know already. *hugs lots* You really should tell anyone in the faculty that she's got such severe mental problems and she's a danger to others and possibly herself. Usually they spring into action when they hear that. Also, if she's every hurt you with any "weapons" in school, that usually makes them jump to do something to avoid a Columbine-like incident.

There was an episode on Oprah today abotu female child molesters. I personally didn't get a chance to see it as I was at work but I thought it might be of interset to some people. Here's a link to the website about it. (Note: if it's a later day that 2/15 you'll have to go to the episode for that day)

http://www.oprah.com/index.html

I heard about that. Was talking to people about it earlier online. Not managed to work out if I can watch it in the UK though...

It might be on youtube. And I have to say I'm absolutely FUMING from a comment made on that clip saying they think it was all made up and "children can't feel that level of shame at age 10". My God, people like that are just as bad as the abusers. Ugh. *anger*

I've been abused by my mom.

Would you like to tell us anymore about how your mom abused you? *offers hugs* We'll listen.

I don't feel ready to tell yet... it took a lot just to admit it on here. Sorry.

Then I'm glad you were at least able to admit it. You're welcome to come back if you want to share.

i feel bad cause what if the woman who abused me did it to others and i didnt tell? people would never have thought she would have done the bad stuff she did. I was bad and disobedient and so she punished me.

It's not your fault if you didn't tell. You're not the responsible party honey. Also, no one ever deserves to be abused, even if they were really naughty and disobedient. What happened?

i wanted to go home...she was a stranger....she wouldnt let me out of the room...she hit me, stripped me and did bad things...it hurt alot ''hides cause not sure if i should tell''