Where Is She?
 

she is lost
she is scared to come back
she is two weeks free and hates it
she craves to 'let' and will when the time is right
she has new plans to od....it seems that one thing replaces another
she doesnt know what shes doing or where she is in the scheme of things
she feels really low and alone

she would really appreciate some support right now
thank you xx

She, i'm guessing is you?
I'm so sorry you feel like this babe.
&& i hope you start to feel better, but you are not alone.
Never alone, we're all here :)
If you need ANYTHING message me
xoxo

hey, 2 weeks well done! no matter what happens you can say you went for 2 weeks and you can build on that.

i know you're suffering, but maybe a different mindset could help, rather than facing defeat before it happens tell yourself that you will try not to let, and when you feel a bit stronger that trying could be a cop out, because you can always say 'you tried' whether or not you actually did try. so when you feel a bit stronger tell yourself you will not let, because that is the action of an ill person and you are trying your best to get better.

hows things with everything else, the anaemia etc?
mand x

Hey well done for being two weeks free - that is so amazing!And i am SO SO glad to see you posting again.i have missed you so much.i am sorry ive not been around for you.i will text you about your post tomorrow.Well done for reaching out.im sorry you feel so bad and so alone.Please keep talking and dont go away.xxxx

hey great job on 2 weeks free. Build on that!!!!! It is a great steping stone. remember to take everything one step at a time and not to overdue urself. Hugs from me and I hope u stay strong!

love you rowie. mand x

thank you...
 

Thank you miss angelus, sallymay, mand and kath for your replies. it means alot to me.
Love you too mand and im so sorry i missed your birthday
Have been thinking about you kath and hoping youre ok.

My anemia is still there with the same side affects. the trouble is, now ive gone two weeks without si, i feel a huge need to punish myself and so as not to si on my arm i know it will be letting.

Ive been off work for almost 6months now and I think its getting to that time where i either return or they get rid of me. they have been amazing to keep me on following my previous two years sick leave. im just not sure im ready and im not sure my doctor will sign me fit to return. but i cant stand the thought of losing my job. maybe i could just return after my sick note expires or do i need a return to work certificate?

I know in my heart i wont cope, especially with my anemia and i cant get that fixed....so what do i do? I have to give it a go and if i fail atleast ive tried. xx

sorry i havent been here for you.
i love you to pieces rowie bird
*snuggles*

hey Rachel, no need for appologies sweetie
You need to focus on you and get yourself well again

maybe it would be better to resign than lose a job, and that gives you the option to return whenever you feel well enough, without knowing they're missing a member of staff and feeling guilty for it.

you need to think about this rowie, *you* do not need/want to punish yourself, *she* does. so maybe indulge yourself a little, you've done something huge, 2 weeks, i mean WOW! treat yourself, the best chocolates in the world, some nice massage oil to make your skin soft and smell nice, or to put in a bowl of water whilst you soak your feet. a good chick flick with your daughter and your favourite meal.

constantly try to push the bad thoughts away by celebrating your achievements in distracting, feel-good ways.

love n cuddles, don't worry bout missing my b'day only one person on here sent me a message, mand x

I have no advice at the moment sorry (im having a brain frazzle) but im sending huge hugs your way.
Meg x

thank you mand and meg. xx

thing is, if i resign from work would i lose my benefit? they have said that if i cant return within the set timescale that they would have me back.......but would they?? Im just going to have to give it another go and if i breakdown like i did last time because it was too soon then so be it.


ive never felt so low as i do right now. im on two weeks leave from therapy, (my choice) as it gives my hubby a break from driving me all the way there and it saves us £120.....but i really need it. I can feel myself sinking lower and lower. not in a dangerous way of wanting to do something to me.......but just really low. ive refused to have my meds today, cant be bothered with it all anymore. in all honesty i cant be bothered with anything. im still wearing the same clothes i wore on sunday and monday and no doubt i will wear them tomorrow. its as much as i can do to change my underwear. i dont wash and very rarely clean my teeth. im a mess.

i have plans never to see my doctor again then i wont be harrassed about having a transfusion and also he wont beable to keep tabs on me. i have an ample supply of pills should i need them and i have my special place on my body where i know i can bleed from...its healed but i know where to find it.

i have homework to do of filling in a form everytime i have a happy moment and what it felt like and how i felt........im still waiting for one to come along

**** im so low
thats it

thinking of you my dearest rowie
lots of love
always here
bec x

you shouldn't lose benefit, as you had to leave on health terms. it's not doing your mental health any good being in suspense. if i were you i'd go to citizen's advice or ring them to find out what you have to do to prove that you're leaving on health grounds, and if they need to terminate your contract at work - get them to do that, if you need a dr's letter then get one. find out before you do anything, then you're covered.
mand x

I'm sorry Rowie, I'm not in a great place but I really am still routing for you. Please to listen to Mand.

*hugs*


xxx

Thank you Mand, Carrie and Becci.

I just cant snap out of this one.
Ive started spending money again on the internet so I can get parcels through the post. I have so many clothes now I dont know what to do with them.......it brings me a little bit of happiness, but it doesnt last long. Im thinking that I have to give my card to my hubby, but that means me relinquishing control and I hate that.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday. Still not sure whether to cancel it or not. I just dont see the point in going....we always discuss the same things over and over and never get anywhere.

I really do think I need a change of medication as this one just isnt lifting my mood anymore, but he wont change my meds until im physically well.....in that my anemia is treated and that wont be happening. So I will live each day of this miserable life feeling low and **** and such like.

I have no energy, my lovely home is a tip, every room has mess in it and I hate it but have no get up and go to deal with it and its just bringing me down even more.

I cant live my life like this anymore and i cant change it...ive tried
So whats the answer? Those little pills I have hidden away?

I just dont know anymore. I really dont

rowie, you take control of the finances, cut the card up!
send back what you can and then have a sort through and either sell on ebay or take to a charity shop.

if you want to be in control, then why do you let 'her' take it from you? you want new meds - you know what you have to do, why let her tell you that you can't?

you can take liquid iron, you can take little steps, it's all gotta help even if it won't work as fast as traditional treatments, if its all you can manage then so be it.

please be good to yourself.
mand x

I cant let go of the anemia, its out of the question

I am giving my card to hubby and at the end of the summer i will have a sort out and send unwanted items to charity...cant be bothered to ebay. too much like hard work.

I think the trouble is, I just cant be bothered. Ive lost the will and want to do anything. Everything is too much hard work and because im letting things fall by the way side....so am i. I havent been to therapy nor have i worked on the homework and im slipping and i dont care

If it consumes me then so be it

Sorry, i know thats not the answer and I know I should be pro recovery but I just havent got it in me to fight anymore.

Maybe I shouldnt be posting anymore for that reason

Love you Mand and thank you for standing by me all the time xx

but is it you clinging to the anaemia, or are you scared to let it go because of the consequences?

i think you do care, but it's all just too much right now.

you need to keep control, so why do you let yourself slip like this? keep on at the therapist and the dr's until they wake up and help you.
if you don't do it for yourself, no-one else will. and it's pretty hard to be in control when you're 6 feet under.

I let myself slip like this because I deserve nothing better
I deserve to suffer

I am on the verge of doing something....either od or cutting really deeply and I know it will happen...it has to.

My arm is still bleeding from thursdays cutting episode

I dont care

I dont care what happens to me anymore

You are such a beautiful, kind, caring person. You deserve much more than this pain and the taunts and hurt.

I know you probably don't think you can get it but you need help if you have been bleeding since Thursday.

I don't want to see a message from your husband or kids telling me you have died b/c of the anaemia or infection. I'm sorry but please, please, think about letting them help.

Love you hun!
xxx

slipping isn't being in control though, even if you feel you deserve it.

you have 2 goals to work towards, recovery or death. you're letting something that physically isn't real, can't come after you with a stick and beat you, can't actually take an object and harm you, decide which way you're going.

does that scare you?

if it does, then get help.
if it doesn't then get even more help because that way you're a danger to yourself.

love you hun, i don't want the first time we meet to be with a wooden box between us.
mand x

had a routine doctors appointment today. Drank quite a bit before I went for courage.

I told him how low I was. I told him about the problems Im having with my bladder (in firstaid forum). I told him that I was having dark thoughts about oding and about cutting deeply and about blood letting.

He says the bladder problem is due to lack of blood supply ie anemia. He says all of this will eventually kill me. If I take an od I have to go to a and e. I have to do that if I cut deeply too and it needs stitches. If I blood let I have to let him know.

Apparently my meds arent working properly due to the lack of blood in my system which is why im feeling so low...so there is no point increasing the dose or a meds change......its something I have to put up with.

I have to see him next week.
I have never felt so low and so in danger to myself as I do right now

I also wont be signed fit to work so I guess I wil lose my job

Rowie you are so very very ill.Massive hugs.Well done for speaking to the doctor.i know that must have been hard for you but please let us help you somehow.i am so worried about you.xxxx

I had therapy yesterday...first time in two weeks.
I told her how I felt I had slipped back into bad ways of thinking. She wasnt suprised as she felt I had been living from week to week with my therapy.

I told her of my plans re harming and od.She said if im that intent on carrying things out then there is little point in her seeing me as she cant stop me. But we've made an appointment for next week.

Im fighting the od but have cut badly and let today.
Something i have to own upto with my doctor, he will probably want to check my blood levels again

i am a good for nothing little peice of crap that deserves nothing good in this life.
i am a lazy slob who should do more for my home and family. they deserve better
and to this end I vow that one day they will have better....better than me. im a ****

You are NOT these things hun. Seriously, you are kind, caring and wise. You are a wonderful mother. Unfortuantely, you are very ill right now and we all wish we could find a way to help you seek the physical help you need. If you felt physically better, your mental health would improve also and you would be in a better position to address it.

Thinking of you and sending you loads hugs hun.

xxx

sorry i haven't been here to poke you hunny.
you need to force yourself to get better physically, one problem at a time, baby steps. it might make you feel bad, or guilty, but also triumphant that you are taking back control, that you are beating this illness little by little. also as we've said all along, you cannot hope to feel good mentally when you are so physically ill, so it may even give you a boost.

love u rowie, mand x

I know I say this often, but maybe I should stop posting.

I know what its like to offer help to someone and for them not to take any action after they have sought support and advice. I realise I am now one of those people. Ive had so much help and support from friends on ryl, I dont want to annoy anyone by not taking up what help has been suggested... i dont want to be classed as an attention seeker or as a helpless poster.

Im sorry to anyone who I have annoyed by my behaviour, but I really really cant help it. xxxx

You haven't annoyed me, or anyone I know of. Sometimes it is frustrating but the only reason it is is because I, and so many others, recognise how special you are and *know* that you can get out of this hole you are slipping into.

I think you should carry on posting, it gives you a way to get things out of your head. Thinking of you xx

if you stop posting then we don't know how much worse you could have got.

it's not so much frustrating... like it is when someone is clearly attention seeking, its more worrying because that's how serious the situation is.

at least we know you're still alive. if ryl gives you release - or clarification - even for a short time then use it, you haven't got much else to rely on. mand x

ryl does help me because its a place where I feel amongst friends and people who I can talk to who will understand more than the people I am surrounded by in real life.

I dont know

I understand that feeling hun.

As Emma and Mand have said, you aren't annoying anyone. You belong here hun and are welcome to post as much as you want. I would much prefer you would post and update as I do think about you frequently and wonder how you are.

Take care
xxx

Thank you.
I guess I was seeing it all from my perspective and not from my friends on here and other rylers point of view.

I have somuch I want to say but the words arent with me tonight xxxx

Say it when you can and have the words. In the meantime, just pop in and say hello so we can all keep in touch with you hun.
xxx

I am getting such strong urges, stronger than ever before to let.
I have this week already but I need to again. Its never enough.
What Im scared of is seeing my doctor on thursday and have him ask me how Ive been. Im sure he will ask for a blood test and I know that will trigger me into doing it yet again to get the numbers down again.
That will mean three times in a week and its never been that bad before.

I have the skills to fight this, or atleast to try and fight this but although im scared, I dont want to stop it from happening.

There is something wrong with my way of thinking and I dont know how to change things when I dont want to .....but I do.

it mad me sick this time.
im such a failure

you need to find a way to force yourself to change do you mean? because if you don't want to, then you're not willingly changing.

that would do for now, to keep you alive, but this won't go away until you want to fight it and want to get better, it has to be for you. not for your husband, your kids, not for me or rach or anyone else.
mand x

Rowie lovely...it's like I said it the first aid forum; if this carries on your doctor will get too worried about the prolonged severe anaemia and will quite possibly force treatment on you.

As for the doctors appointment on thursday, you have already lost blood...your count will be/ IS down. If you do it again, you could find yourself being sectioned or forced to have a transfusion and then things could get still more complicated and hard for you.

Also I'd say you need to make sure your doc doesn't tell you the numbers. I am sure the biggest part of you wants to get past this, even if right now, only for your kids and hubby etc.... I know how strong the other part can be but Rowie, the other part, the part that wants to bleed, to maintain the anaemia.... is all based on lies and wrong thought patterns...it's not you.

You do NOT need to be severely anaemic. You CAN postpone bleeds and keep postponing. When we start to tell ourselves 'I can't help it' that's wrong and not true most of the time.

I'm sorry, you know all this....
Also you know I can't judge you in ANY WAY.
But where do you expect this to end up Rowie? Have the numbers got to always stay low? Death? Forced transfusions? An endless cycle? It will have to end...one way or the other.

There's nothing impressive about severe anaemia. Nothing good about maintaining it. I now often wonder 'Why did I bother?'

I think you need to beg for help Rowie. Tell them you can't stop this alone. Maybe you need sectioned...maybe you need watched. Let someone else take the control for a while....I dunno... It'll be one of the hardest things you've ever had to do maybe....but it'd be worth it if you can somehow pull through this spell.

Sorry..wish I could help properly. Stay safe lovely...please.

Thank you somuch for the replies. xxxxx

Last night scared me in that i was shaking and physically sick afterwards, but i also couldnt move....its never been like that before.

When I see my doctor on thursday I will tell him that I cant get out of this cycle by myself, but i know what his answer will be.....that it has to come from me because know one else can do it for me. Its what he always says and maybe he is right. But if he is right then i cant see a way out of this.

If i need a blood test I will ask for one there and then and explain that if im allowed home before the test I will let to get the numbers down....I know I will.

Im scared of how ive become but its not enough to stop me.

then u know u will die. but maybe thats just what u want. And even if u don't want to die u are diying anyway by letting it carry on.

And sugar coating it aint working on more. sorry to be rude or whatever but just had to say it.

I know you don't know me, and this may seem strange, But i often look at this thread to see how your doing.

Your doctor is right to a certain degree about you having to take the first steps, but sometimes when you are suffering so badly it's too difficult to take those steps, and someone else needs to make you make those first steps if that makes sense?

I really do think you need to tell your doctor that if you are let home after a blood test you will harm to get the numbers down - I think that's a brave thing to be telling him, but also will help him to understand you.

I'm sorry I have not got much useful advice for you, but I do think you do want to overcome this, and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm more than happy to listen - I'll help in any way I can, just like the rest of the people on here, seem to want to.

I'm thinking of you.

Louise xx

Thank you Clover for your honesty. xx

Loiuse I really appreciate you taking time to read my thread and to say that you think I want to overcome this...I do but i need help xx

Thank you Mand for all the pms and the support you have given me. Because of you I have now sat my hubby down and told him how bad things have become. xx

He knew something was up because I had put the bath mat in the wash which normally happens when I harm. But I told him that I was sick and kind of passed out yesterday due to blood loss. I told him that similar happened on thursday. He is now coming this thursday to see my doctor with me. My hubby wants me sectioned. I dont want to be. But I dont think it will happen anyway. But atleast he now knows the extent of how bad things had become.

Im not sure what the outcome of me telling him will be, but atleast he is now aware.xx

I'm so so glad you managed to tell your husband, I really hope he can support you with this. Good Luck with the doctors on thursday hon. Just be honest with them.

Louise xx

i made thread in general.... go see, proud of you honey!

Just home from therapy.

It was really hard. Ive had to do a daily timetable of daily activities, starting off with getting up at 9am. I know that doesnt seem much but when I struggle at night to get to sleep I rarely get up before 10am. Im living off very little at the moment and that has got to stop and I have to sit at the table with my family with food on my plate. I have to read my dbt notes daily. Im not allowed baths this week as thats where I do my harming, but I am allowed showers. She wants me to have a more structured day.

All these 'have to's' and 'musts' and 'not allowed'...I just know im not going to make it through the week.

She is now away and I wont be seeing her for almost 2 weeks. I just know im going to fail and fall by the way side. Dont get me wrong, I will try, but I dont cope very well with too many demands...it gets too overwhelming and then I give up.

Doctors tomorrow. I dont think Im going to let hubby in. It wont do any good. It wont make a difference and it may annoy my doctor and I dont want that to happen

Please let your hubby in on the appt. It was such a great step to tell him how things have been - see the thread in general, everyone is really pleased.

Love you hun
xxx

Please honey, let your husband in - I think it could help, and I don't thiink it would anger your doctor in any way.

Could you maybe break the tasks that your therapist has set you down over the course of a couple of weeks, to make that a bit easier on yourself, therefore your getting used to some of her demands and making the effort, even if you can't do all of them at the same time.

Stay strong sweetie, and please reconsider your decision about not letting your husband in, please.

Louise xxx

hope tim came with you to the dr's, hope it all went ok.

its a bit **** to be srt so many tasks and then not see your therapist for a while, is there any temporary measure like a crisis team you could speak to if things get desparate?

i disagree with breaking the tasks down, because i believe your illness will either pick the easiest ones and puttin you in the same situation next week, or will use it as an excuse to not try your best. i think the all or nothing approach works for you, i know its hard and i know it makes you feel like crap, but look back at what you have acheived.

with the dr, does he class sectioning for mental health reasons and for physical reasons (due to mental health) as different things? this isn't to keep you safe, its to keep you alive. it's not to make your illness go away, it's to get you physically stronger. i really believe that's what you need, however hard you find it mentally, you can't keep yourself from sliding down this path, you have no control over it.

mand x

the doctors appointment didnt go too well

hubby came with me but ended up not being able to go in to the appointment because they were running late and he had a funeral to go to. there is nothing my doctor can do, it all has to come from me. i feel useless and a fraud and angry with myself.

i have a certificate thats covers me til the 31st october and he wont sign me fit for work, so it looks like i will lose my job.

im not a happy bunny