Yeh, just don't feel too good. Really really REALLY anxious, and I only have 1mg Klonopin (out of 4mg/daily) to take... I hate feeling this way. Plus I'm scared I'm going to be sick again and I really don't want that. I feel so full and I am so tired of having whatever flu this is... *cries*

I should probably go read something for fun, but I am scared that I won't be able to concentrate properly. I don't know. Epic failure. :(

*cuddles* Hoppe you feel better soon, if only a little bit

*cuddles april and helen*

Im tired of having everything I do belittled by others... Gah, i'm so sick of it. I just want to SI, curl up on my bed, and sleep. That will through 2 months of work out trying to stop SI out the door.. but who cares, i bet that achievement will be seen as nothing like everything else in my life.

..... im sorry...

Oh Laura, love, 2 months of no SI is wonderful!!! People in your life - IRL - may not appreciate that because they haven't been through the struggle to not SI, and don't understand what the urges are like. But we do. Please remember this, sweetie... we remember, we care, and we are proud of you for keeping on fighting!! *holds you gently* What's going on now that's so rough - who's belittling what? ♥

Helen, how you doing this morning?

I'm up super early... got up at 3:15am and it's now 3:45am. I probably should've stayed in bed but once my husband was up and awake, so was I. Whoops. Haha. But he's feeling better, which is good, and actually had some cereal for breakfast ("breakfast" - at this time of morning?! lol)... I am planning on giving that a go in a bit, seeing as he's only been sick for 2 days and I've been sick for four. Heh. :) I will be so happy if the cereal that I like settles okay!! :D (the small things in life... heehee)

Erm so yeh, I guess I'm in an okay mood. :-/ Still a little worried about some things but I did get a good night's rest and so will be okay for a bit. *cuddles all 'round*

*hugs april* glad to hear that you and your husband are feeling a bit better. stomache bugs really suck.

I SI'd a few hours ago.. couldnt take it anymore. I was at dinner earlier and everyone was talking about how hard their work is (school and otherwise) and then one started talking about how he has to take a class in liberal arts (i should mention i was at dinner with engineering and business majors... except for myself, i'm a psychology and journalism double major)... The whole table went in an uproar about how easy and pointless liberal arts and science classes are... I'm used to this conversation as all my friends are in the "hard" majors and normally im fine... but im just so tired of people thinking that i dont work as hard for things in my life as they do. Its not an attention thing... I just want to be able to contribute to a conversation without people thinking that I am less then they are...

I feel like everything is building up... with the things with my friends an family, anxiety, and now this... And i feel so guilty/stupid now that i was 2 months free and that just a month ago i thought i was starting to figure things out. Guess that was wishful thinking.

... And I would run away were it not for the beast that dwells within me that reminds me that man is always one step from a descent into madness...

*cuddles everyone then curls up in a dark corner and cries*

*cuddles Laura* Hun, I think you are starting - and that is the key word, starting - to get things figured out. It takes a long time to do that, though. I haven't yet. A lot of us haven't. Some of us never will. In fact, I don't know if it's entirely POSSIBLE for us to figure everything out entirely. But anyway - I understand what you mean. I'm a psychology major as well and was a biology major. My dad, mom, and sister were all biology majors (and my sister was also chemistry & Spanish, yes, a triple major >_<)... so I felt pressure to go into "hard science." Yes, those classes are tough - but so are the ones that we take as psych majors. Plus, you're doing a dual major - good on you!! That's amazing. Maybe next time people start belittling that type of major you could try and defend them a little, or at least to yourself, telling yourself that you've had classes that almost anyone would have difficulty with (I know I have - Theories of Counseling, my first psych class other than the intro [I came in late] - had to write a 20-page paper describing my model of counseling). Does that make sense? *more cuddles*

*holds Kahlia* What's up, love?

Well, my husband and I went back to bed after playing WoW for an hour... lol. So now we just got back up again, at 7:30am. I'm so tired... :P ...but today I'm getting my uni books, and am looking forward to that. :) Whee... I am not - NOT - ready yet for uni to start back up on Tuesday, but I suppose I'll have to be ready by then. >_<

Feeling much better. :) Am eating now, the cereal I wanted, and it's settling just fine. Yey!! :D

*cuddles April* - I'm not doing too well. My dangerous thoughts are running rampant. My housemate has labelled me as "moderate suicide risk". I just want to give in right now.

I saw my tdoc today. He told me that he felt disconncted from me. He asked me if I trusted him and he was a bit hurt I think when I told him that I ddn't. He kept pushing me and I kept retreating into myself.

My ankle kills ... Doctors don't know what's wrong. My housemate has sugested hiring crutches to make it easier to get around ... I'm actually considering it. Our nextdoor neighbour has offered to drive me around if I need to go somewhere, he's a really nice guy.

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry, I would attempt to reply to posts, but I just can't lol.

*cuddles Kahlia* Why don't you trust your tdoc? I understand that it's hard, especially if you have only been seeing him for a little while, but at the same time... maybe it would be best to give it a shot? (not saying that you aren't - I'm not sure as you didn't say) Is there any way that you can get help with the suicidal thoughts? because life WILL get better, you've just got to wait out the storm... I know, I know, cliché and all, but I do truly believe that. For you and practically everyone except myself, hypocrite that I am, anyway. >_<

You probably should get crutches, so you don't aggravate your ankle any further. Did the docs take X-rays?

*huggles Helen* What's up, love? How're your best friends doing?

*hugs April*

I feel really trapped in darkness? Not sure how either are doing to be honest. Hopefully will speak to them both soon.

*hugs kahlia* I agree with what april said about ur tdoc. Hang in there hun.

*hugs helen* Where is the darkness coming from? Anything in particular? Hope you are alright?

*hugs april* yea i guess that makes sense... and I do defend things in my head.. and i defend the crap out of myself to my bf.. who doesnt belittle my life but still always gets the brunt of my freak outs.. oops.. However, its getting to the point where I feel worse and worse about it.
And idk if im starting to figure things out... I always seem to go in circles, getting better, worse, bottom, etc... Most of the time they are kinda quick circles, this one was longer.. so i thought something i was different. I wanted something to be different. I guess not though.

My uni starts on tuesday again too. Gotta get some books at some point heh...

*huggles Helen* Sorry you feel like ****, and in the darkness - I second Laura's question, do you know where the darkness is coming from? and is there anything that we can do to help, other than be here to listen?

*cuddles Laura* Maybe it's a spiral upwards, not a circle... just one of those slanted spirals that goes down at one part but up at another, but up overall. Does that make sense? That is kind of how I view my life, tbh. A spiral. I cycle, as I'm bipolar and have constant mood swings. But maybe try to look at it that way? If you went a longer time this time on that "circle" then maybe next time will be even longer? *holds you gently*

You're in the States, right? (just making sure that Iowa City is right :P) I'm really not looking forward to uni starting, it's going to be a very very difficult semester I'm afraid. I have:
- Senior seminar
- Health psychology
- Advanced Counseling Techniques
- Intro to Sociology
- Women & Spirituality (which I can drop if I need, since I'm only taking it so I can have one last class with my best friend... lol)

And that's it. But the top three are supposed to be really tough... I'm really looking forward to them as I love psychology, but I'm scared that I will do awfully in them. Stupid fears as I've gotten a 4.0 in my major so far (all A's)... not meaning to brag, honestly I'm not, I'm not really that smart. I dunno. :-X

Mmm, hubby just brought me some chicken broth... it smells heavenly!!

Don't know where it's coming from. I'm guessing it's the usual darkness and just made worse by the past couple of weeks..

*holds Helen gently and rocks back and forth slowly*

I'm not in the best place now myself... feeling darkness and despair all around. :(

*cuddles April*

It'll be ok for us both

*hugs april* sorry that you are feeling badly right now. And yes i am in the states. University of Iowa. I have a 4.0 too and i always still worry that im gonna screw up in my classes... so ur not alone there. Wow ur schedule sounds hard. Mine wont be horrible this semester as I dont have too many classes left. I am taking: Publication Design, Abnormal Psychology, Science/Technology/Medicene Reporting and Writing, and Perspectives on Leisure and Play (actually not as leisurely as it sound lol)

*cuddles helen* hope you are okay.

Yey cool, Laura, another US person. :D Lol. Erm yeh, I'm definitely worried about this term. I don't know how it will go... :-X Last term was really rough as I got suicidal halfway through, then had a hypomanic episode, then started getting bulimic urges. :( Anyway... your classes sound cool. I took Abnormal Psych in fall 2007 - good class, that. :) Hope you enjoy it. Do you have a 4.0 overall or just in your major? Either way, it's awesome. *cuddles*

*cuddles Helen* How're you doing tonight, love?

Still feeling really low... sad... just watched an episode of Bones and that distracted me for a bit but not long enough... I really want to purge as I feel soo full from just broth... I hate my life, want to die, want to give up... but I can't, because I have to live for Jarrod. I HATE THIS!!!!!

*cuddles everyone*

I was just starting to trust my tdoc when he opened the locked door that hides all my memories of the SA I suffered as a child. I told him not to, that I wasn't ready for it, but he opened the door and then started saying that he wanted to talk to my mother and my housemate about it. I told him no but couldn't give him a reason ... other than a straight forward I said no and that means no. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go back and see him again, but I went to the appointment yesterday in order to give him another chance, but now I'm wary ... It'll take a bit of time for me to get that trust back.

As for the suicidal thoughts, I really don't know. My housemate and I talked about whether the hospital or crisis team were an option, but the hospital would just send me back home again and the crisis team are about as useful as a bicycle would be to a fish. They take the easy cases - like short term depression - and let the difficult cases hang. At the moment I'm just trying to get through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute ...

My housemate is trying to get hold of some crutches for me this morning. Both trying to keep from aggravating my ankle, and stopping my other leg (which is bearing all of my not-inconsiderable weight) from getting too sore to use. *sigh* Damn body seems to be falling apart.

*limps around the ward and cuddles everyone she can see then sits down in a corner and cuddles bear*

*cuddles all*

I woke up at flipping 4am >_> Can I get back to sleep? No :( Had a nightmare about one of my best friends :'(