*spots Oliver and tackle hugs*

Oh Solo , we were commenting on each others Facbook photos , If you want to look at mine I'll PM you the Link.

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Sarah* Don't be too worried about meeting the psych team hun , I've done it for YEARS I'm sure you won't have problams , the first meeting is usually a "Get to know each other" thang:)

*Hugs Jill* *Worries*

*Hugs everyone*

*Squishes Nicole*

*Cuddles Mark*

*huggles Nicole*

*Huggles Crimson* How are you?

*Hugs Crimson* How are you?

*cuddles Crimson* thanks hun

*cuddles Mark* thanks for letting me know, its scary not knowing what to expect

*cuddles Nicole*

My alarm clock is going off for some strange reason :/

*Cuddles Sarah*

I had this really weird/scary dream last night and it has extremely freaked me out, now you all know I haven't cut in.... 4 months now and one day now. And the dream was so vivid.... Here it is:

It was dark and the darkness was filled with screaming... Terror-filled, non-human screams of pain. Suddenly, there was a flash of white and my arm rose. I could see it. My left arm covered in blood, dripping down my forearm from my wrist and hand. My right hand was clutched in a tight fist, a shard of glass piercing the fingers. I lifted my left arm, twirling it round in something akin to fascination, fingers and hand twisting, fingers covered in blood. The lights flashed and dimmed and a three figures appeared.
It was my three saviour angels (as I have dubbed them)... Standing, looking at me with such sorrow it made my heart burn. I remember whispering something 'I'm sorry' before the light flashed again.
My eyes opened again, I was still in the dream, my face was wet - tears - I looked at my hand again, my arm was covered in a black sleeve. The skin was covered in healing wounds, a huge one was spread across the centre of my palm, cuts laced my fingers. I pulled my sleeve down, criss-crossed cuts covered my wrist below the veins...
I remember dropping to the floor after backing myself into a wall, sitting in the corner, I fell to the floor and curled up, holding my arm to myself. Screams came again, as they always do and the blackness followed. I woke up.

I'm so scared guys. If I can't sleep due to insomnia or I'm not having anxiety attacks, I'm dreaming of darkness and screaming - my screams. But this... This was the worse it's been in months. And lately all I can think of is counting the days and things triggering me to cut and the urges growing stronger. I haven't cried in weeks and I'm falling to sleep when I get home. I'm so tired. So very tired.

*Hugs everyone*

It does matter Jill. If it's bothering you, it matters.

Good luck Sarah, I hope it goes well for you :/

*cuddles Nicole*

I just want it to stop now, just feel like other people feel. Be able to feel normal, but this is normal, for me. So ehh.

*Hugs Shad* I'm sorry you're struggling so much my dear. Are you on any meds or anything for it all?

nope, I'm on propranolol for my migrains but this is unknown to anyone but my angels and my wardies :)

Why do people like me? What have I done to make them think i'm a good person? I don't get it...I'm not a good person...I'm really not.

*Hugs Shad* That sounds terrifying , I'll post about my dream in my next post but off topic, Could you see a counsellor?

byt that's not what we think of you. I think you're an awesome person. When I first joined RYL and found the ward, you were the first person who talked to me and offered to talk to me anytime. :')

and I'm supposed to be getting one soon. I've got like an assesment or something on feb 3rd - I think it's to see if i really need one or not but it's for my stress and being a victim of bullying. Am i allowed to bring other things - like this - up?

On dreams
I dreamt last night that my neighbour , ( Who has olny one arm ) Was way back in the day and injured himself all up his missing ( now) arm and then went to play Rugby and tackled someone and his cut just split all the way up his arm very very deep and ripped muscles and he had to have his arm amputated because of that and I woke and for 15-20 seconds beleived this as fact . Woke up triggered no surprise :S

Shad Please bring this stuff up , they can only help when you are honest.
Were you talking about me? 3 posts up?

I'd like that Mark.

~Crimson~ I'm not sure what you mean by, comparing to others?

I've drawn the lines of my veins on my arm with biro , so I miss them , not hit them , sorry

solo- the length of time was what i meant by comparing... it always caused me more troubles with my own thinking/self... i'm not communicating very well today i don't think..
*huggles mark*

*Sits in denial tent*

We don't think that of you Nicole because you always offer your support to others, even if you're struggling yourself.

*Hugs Mark* Sorry you had a bad dream last night :( I had a nightmare too, seems like half the ward did.

*Hugs Shad* I agree with Mark, they'd want you to bring this stuff up, if you're honest, they can help you more.

*curls up in corner* I'm thinking so much that I feel sick. Everyone in the family keeps telling me I'm screwed up in the head, I'm the 1 in 4 "loons" that the statistics talk about and I just want to hide. I'm not crazy. I'm not I'm not I'm not!

cuddles mark. please stay safe

*Hugs Sarah* Beleive me you are not a "Loon" , I've been in a pysch ward and seen people when their mental conditions are at their worst and you are not one that fits into the loon catergory

*Hugs Jill*

curls up

What up Jill?

I know, my family just suck so much Mark *cuddles* I'm relatively okay really, its just they like to bully me and make me feel worse and the mean voice does nothing other than tell me they're right ¬_¬

**** the voice Sarah , Can you drown in out with headphones?

hmm noithing im all good. dont worrry.

Jill you want to talk I'm here for a bit:)


*Dammit Billy, You are not a God!"

Its too infrequent to drown it out ¬_¬ stupid thing. Thanks Mark. Music usually works but not in the mood for music or noise either :/ *hides*

dont want to trigger you, im okay

hugs everyone

I want my head to stop being so foggy >:(

*Hugs Louise*

People are watching , I'm sorry wardies, I am not going to be watched without a fight

Whats happening Mark?

FB chat
okay

hugs mark, who is watching you mark

E-on are.
Need Sleep
Dorrr is on chain.
*Night time hugs wardies*

So paranoid that people are going to find me on here... I wish my username request would pass... I've already removed lots of traces off the internet of me, but this is the last one on the list. Grr.

*cuddles Mark goodnight*

Hey Mark, can I still get that FB link pmed to me?

You alright Mark? Night night *hugs*

You can always talk to us Jill,use a hide box if you're afraid of triggering people. *Hugs*

*Hugs Sarah* You're not a loon, you know you're not. Just keep telling yourself that. I love you.

hmm argh!!!!