Basically we'd been together for four months and I was inexperienced and she was very sexual and disappointed that I was making her wait and stuff so I said we could do stuff on my 16th birthday. I promised her I'd be ready then. So she stayed over and I really wasn't happy with it and so I talked to her about it and explained how I was feeling. She got very angry and started shouting and crying and I just kept apologising. She was lying on the bed digging her nails into herself and hitting her head against the wall in anger about the whole situation. We were both crying and she kept shouting and stormed into my spare room to get away from me. I followed her in and kept apologising over and over and begged her to forgive me and come back into my room to sleep. When she came back we both just fell asleep upset. The next morning she was telling me how I really upset her, and a promise is a promise and I said I couldn't and she should be more understanding but she was just getting more and more forceful and stuff. I just lay there when she managed to over power me and do stuff, I kept saying that it wasn't supposed to be like this and I really wanted her to stop but she wouldn't and then after a while she did and I asked her to leave and she did and that was it. We didn't see each other again for about a fortnight and I didn't want to argue so I didn't bring it up. Like I said, I was 16 and she was my first girlfriend and I was in love and stupid. Her attitude after that was like 'well, it's already happened so we may as well just carry on sleeping together'. So we did, and we stayed together for over two years. During our relationship we were both physically abusive, and she continued to be emotionally abusive. Whenever I upset her, she cut herself. She wasn't a self harmer by the way, she just wanted to 'show me how much I hurt her'. I remember during one heated arguement I went downstairs to find her locked in my room, I found the spare key and she was in there with a bicycle chain around her neck. She just kept saying 'you make me feel like this', or 'you made me do it' etc.
On several occasions i'd wake up to find her doing things to me while I was sleeping. Eventually we did break up, but continued sleeping together. I don't want to be too graphic but there were certain sexual things that I really didn't enjoy, after we broke up those sexual things happened more often and I learnt to dissociate during them. She still had feelings for me and when we were both drunk she approached the subject of getting back together. I woke up and had no recollection of the night before, but apparently something I said made her very happy. When she found out that I didn't know what i'd said I woke up to her whispering abuse in my ear. I didn't know what was going on but we started arguing and she spat in my face and it turned physical. Basically at the end of the evening I reminded her of what she'd done when I was 16 and she had NO recollection of any of it, and she was remorseful, I could see it in her eyes. We didn't speak for a few months, but now we go for drinks and see each other every so often.
I don't really know what else to say. Writing this out hasn't been easy and as I read it and stuff I just think 'why the **** are we still friends?' I really don't have an answer for it. We are good as friends, just not as partners. But it makes me feel like I should be over it, or I should be repulsed by her because of what she did. Then I think well I gave as good as I got, we were both physically abusive.
I don't really know, this has probably either made me sound like a complete monster, or a total bitch.