A+E trip completed, again. As she stitched all I thought was how futile it was since I would probably only have another one tomorrow. *sigh* going out drinking now.

*gives special hugs to Emma and Helen*
*walks around the ward giving hugs to everyone she can find and leaving stuffed animals in weird places*
*finds a quiet little place out of the way of everyone to sit down and cry*

cut but it's not enough, barely steri worthy. I need to see the inside, see that I match up to the anatomy of ordinary humans.

*hugs Emma*

*squishes Kahlia* It's ok, I checked and my anatomy seems to be the same. May need a few extra stitches but its ok. Been alternating a+e's to make it less likely I get in trouble. Today I agreed to see the crisis team but after an hour (despite being free and in the department), I did not see them. Different a+e tomorrow me thinks.

*hugs everyone.. then wraps self up in sleepin bag n sits completely gobsmacked*

*gives Emma hugs*

*cuddles Emma lots and lots*

*cuddles for everyone else if they want*

I managed to have 14 hours sleep and actually went to bed at 10.30pm :O Wow, I'm liking all this tiredness thats causing me to go bed early.

Didn't go to the pub. My friends didn't come in the end. Will go on Sunday.
Was meant to go to a mates house tonight but I decided to have a bath before, and that really bummed me out. All the stretch marks and fat. I hate myself.

I feel so ****ing ill man :/

*hugs Helen* I'm sorry you aren't feeling well

Because I can't remember everyone's names I'll just *hug everyone*

Hello,

Been away for a couple of days, was good to get away from my normal life.

*hugs for all*

*sigh* I'm trying to be happy, I'm trying to pretend to be happy, I can't. I can't do either.

My brother put my dad in intensive care the other day. I don't know what's happening. I can't deal with this. I can't. I want all this to end. But... I don't know what to do.

*cuddles all*

Emma...baby long time no speak!
how you holding up sweetheart...if you need to talk my inbox is free ^_^

Hells, hope your feeling better...I was ill on wednesday and thursday too!
have a hot bath and early nights :]

Auburn Shadow, have you managed to ask your brother whats happening?
You can do this hun, you're really strong and you'll make it through. I know it doesnt feel that way at the moment but trust me, it'll be ok, we're all behind you every step of the way. stay strong babes

*hugs to all*
xxxxx

Thanks sweetie :)

Am feeling a little better already and in the best mood ever!!!!!!!

I want to cut again....


I agreed to help today, and got turned away and given a leaflet. Clearly SI is ok according to them. At least with me, maybe they can see it I don't have any real value and thats why it is ok. I don't know.

I am fighting off the temptation to OD. I have some pills but only two or three boxes, not enough. If I OD'd it would have to be enough. Besides an OD is not what I want to happen. I have my method. Its not that.

*squishes Alexx, miss you sweetheart, and same applies to you, my PM box is always open*

My brother's still locked up in the station as far as I know, so I can't talk to him about anything. My dad, well, obviously can't talk to him, and my mum just refuses to tell me anything because she's still pissed off that I turned round and told him I hated him for everything he's done. And it's true, I do, but I still love him and I still care about him and I want him to be OK.
I don't know how to process any of this. I just want her to talk to me and tell me it's all going to be OK. I just.... I don't know what to do. She won't let me go home, let alone visit him. May phone my counsellor today and talk things out, but, I just wanna cut over the whole situation, but stupid thing is I know that isn't going to help anything at all so there's no point. Plus I have a point of not cutting on a Sunday if I'm going to be at church, which I will today.
It's just a huge mess and I don't know what to do with any of this.

*cuddles Hana & Emma*

Have spoken to you both on msn, but just thought should show some care, so people don't think you've been ignored.

It'll be ok, I promise xx

*hugs Emma and Auburn Shadow* - Sorry am hopeless with names at the present time.

*hugs Helen* - just because I can

I feel awful. I made it to 3 months SI free but my head keeps telling me stories and making me feel like it's wrong to celebrate something like that and that I never should have achieved it or that I should have achieved it years ago and it makes me want to cut or burn again.

I'm moving house on Saturday .... moving back closer to the town. I'm going to be living in share accommodation with my two best friends under a ladies house. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'd much rather be closer to town than living 30 minutes drive away and it will make it extra easy to get to the university. It's not far away by car but I'm also looking at getting a push bike and cycling to uni.

Now I have to go through all my stuff and work out what i want to take with me and what I can leave here. I told my mother last night that I'm moving and she actually took it really well.

My current flatmate (who is one of the people I'll be living with) started a new job this morning. Fingers are crossed that things go well for him. I'm going to cook him some dinner tonights - sausages with honey mustard and a greek salad. I think that he'll enjoy that. It just means that I need to get some sausages out of the freezer shortly and go down to the supermarket in a little while.

Okay ..... I think this post is a lot longer than I was originally going to make it .... I was just going to say that I'm having real problems keeping myself going. I feel like it would be better if I just kill myself and have it over and done with. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone. I can't help anyone else, and I can't seem to be able to help myself.

I'm sorry. I'll shut up now.

:Emoticon(14)::blue::Emoticon(14):

*hugs and faery wishes to you all*