*hugs Laura*

Haha I'm shitting a brick about Tuesday already.

**** sake. Utterly dreading it.

But tomorrow & Sunday are here first which will keep me distracted (well tomorrow will)...:P

I keep thinking....after Sunday...I can **** off and die :D Then I keep thinking if I do anything, I'll feel stuipdly guilty after the amount of effort someone (wont mention her name)...is/has put in for Tuesday on my behalf ha. >.<

Don't you just love confliction? :D

I feel well pissed off still?? I thought I'd got all the anger out :S

I don't think you want to die Helen, i think you're incredibly overwhelmed with all the changes you're current experiencing, and with nowhere to vent these it's building up and you're feeling hopeless.

Counselling will be extremely beneficial for you, it proved that when you were at college.
It'll start soon and you'll feel much more "lighter", and not so weighed down with everything on your shoulders.

*Hug*
Keep your chin up, and you'll have a nice time on Sunday & Tuesday i'm sure of it.
x

Hi all. *hugs everyone*

Just been for some exercise. Already feeling like doing "just a little" bit more. It's stopping me from completely giving in to the depression.

I'm telling my pdoc on Tuesday that he's going to have to come up with a new idea. I'll give him a chance, but I'm coming off my meds. I can no longer do 10 tablets morning and night. Oh and ECT is NOT an option. It made my highs higher. I'm not risking that.

I think I'm just going to go start crying again. See you all later when I run out of boxes of tissues.

*hugs everyone then sneaks back under the bed and cries*

I know you think I don't want to die. I..dunno. I want to, but at the same time I'm slowly beginning to be like I can do this, I can get past this and keep pushing through. But then I'm still like, I don't, can't, and really DO want to die. I am ovewhelmed with the changes I'm going through, there's no denying that. I'm getting help with that from someone and they've done loads this past couple of weeks and it's really helped.

I quite agree counselling with be extremely beneficial for me. I just hope she can change my opinion of her within one session. I'm just trying not to have an opinion on her yet, but they do say you make judgements of people instantly and I've found her quite...frusrating so far. But I've been told by about 5 people now she's really lovely. Which I'm sure she is :) I just wonder if her standards will be good as my previous counsellor haha or maybe better? I know I will feel a lot lighter on Tuesday, once I've done it and gotten through. Though I don't think I get a lot done on Tuesday, cus I know the first appointment is taking details, and I'm dreading two questions..."have you ever been suidical" & "are you suidical right now" I know it has to be done though, so least I know it's coming I suposse..dreading answering it, cus of everything going on.

Thanks for the hug :)

Tuesday is going to be werid. I have a hundred things to do before it's my appointment. I have to meet Emma (I know about 8 emma's now haha). We'll probs have a quick catch up before our lecture, go to my only lecture, then go see Heather (who I am a tad furious with atm), then I'm going to see Lisa (she's lovely!) and then before 3, she's walking me down to my appointment. I half asked, because I don't trust myself to go alone incase I get too scared and run off. >.< But nah, it'll be ok. Then I'll be finished at 4pm, but Jess (yes who used to work at my college!!!) is coming in, so I dunno whether to hang around to possibly see her or not. Cus it'll take me AGES to get home again, thats the only trouble leaving after 2pm....you get caught up in frigging traffic :wow:

*hugs Kahila* Excercise is good, just watch you don't do too much hun :)

Have some more tissues hun, let it all out :-) *passes a couple of boxes*

*hugs helen dramatic and kahlia* i've got no words at the moment but i do have *hands out the chocolate and extra soft tissues*

*hugs Helen* I made myself cut it down to 15 minutes on the elliptical trainer. I wanted to do an hour, but knowing me I'd get to that point and then think "another 15 minutes" and "another 15 minutes" et cetera.
Thanks for the tissues but I'm really sorry .... I shouldn't be bothering you all with my petty issues.

*hugs back*
Is it okay if I skip on the chocolate ?? Thanks for the tissues though. I think I've gone through quite a number of packets just recently.


I'm scared that with my stupid mouth I've let some things slip to a friend of mine that could eventually put her in a really dangerous situation. Her case manager (who is technically my case manager as well) told her that I'm a bad influence on her. I think I might be. I don't always catch the things that come out of my mouth in time.

*hides back under the bed with the tissues*

*just stopping in to let ya'll know that I am still alive*

*hugs you* Yaaaay chocoalate :) and tissues. I wish I could cry. But I think because I got so angry the other night, I wont have a chance to cry for a long time now in person. :pinch:

*hugs you some more* I'm glad you did cut it down sweetie. It's still good amount though. Don't apologise sweetie, it's okay...:) I hope your friend will be ok soon too xxx

Yay I'm glad you are *hugs tight*

well that makes one of us :sigh:
*hugs back*

I feel like i'm being suffocated,
and everything around me is closing in.
Massive panic attack.

I just want to curl up into a ball and breathe my last breath.
I'm tired of pretending,
pretending this is all OK.
It isn't.
It never has been.

I need to re-think next weeks plans, because i was expecting more money,
than i got yesterday.
Which means i need to alter some of my old plans,
considering they involve money.

For now, i will curl up with my tool.
With any luck i'll bleed to death.
Unlikely.

Manda, I'm glad you're still here and still alive too. Although I do realise that my opinion doesn't count. *hugs*

Dramatic - x SAFE HUGS x *hugs*

Helen - Thanks. *hugs you tightly* I think I'm probably crying enough for everyone in the world at the moment.

*hides back under the bed and cries*

stop strangling me.
get off me.
GET OFF.
I'm going ok?
I'm going.
Just give me time.

Manda- yeah I guess.

Laura- lots of gentle hugs hun

Kahila- bless you sweetie. It's ok to cry.

I've been Christmas shopping online, ordered 5 presents, thats now 7 brought, so going to coutinue shopping :] See how much I can get done before I go to bed :P

Godobye.

^ Look after yourself. Please? Talk to us if you need to.

I'm not feeling great *curls up in the corner*.

Stay here please Laura?

AA- wanna talk? *snuggles*

your opinion means more to me than you know. Thanks for the hugs.

I.hate.you.
I.hate.this.

:(

I'm sick of crying. I've barely stopped over the last 24 hours.

I.want.out.NOW.