Urf...

I'm back from a 3-hour-long "nap." In other words, I went to sleep (before taking a shower or my meds) to basically escape my feelings. And it worked. But now I just want to go back to sleep again (and probably will) after this post... because the feelings are coming back, I am beginning to understand the bliss of sleep, and I don't want to feel like a shithead again today. Have felt like that plenty of times.

Taz, thanks for the PM, and I might PM you back if that's okay, or you, Lia, or both... I don't know. <3 Thanks for the offers though, and I know that more PM boxes are open if I need to PM y'all, so thank you. *cuddles all*

I'm just so sick of living like this. I really wish that Jarrod understood. And not understanding... well, I do get why it would be frustrating to see me "fall back into this pit" of eating disordered actions, I do. But what I don't get is why he feels he has to... oh, I don't know. Don't worry, he's not violent, he's not that type. He's just... emotionally draining. And he is. For both of us I think.

I need to get back to bed before I regret something I type. Because I'm just that tired. Grrrrr... :'(

*cuddles all again, then toddles off to her ward bed*

my dads computer hates me =\ wont lemme open links o_O *pokes at it*

blahhh =[ feel gross and hafta try on a dress i have and pray it fits for cousins wedding... =s

*tucks april in* ^.^

*hugs Becca* You are gorgeous hun <33

*hugs April* Never a problem. Hope you sleep well tonight and feel better in the morning <3

*hugs Heather* You're beautiful regardless of what you wear :)

its been a looong time since i believed it :(

*squish*
and thanks taz <3

so since im genuinely curious and dont want people saying they like it cuz they hafta... does this dress look ok? [thank god its gonna be in the 70s not 100s- thank you stupid hurricane]...

Love the dress Heather ^_^

*cuddles everyone*

Cuddles Heather, the dress looks lovely .
Hmm sorry guys.

Babe, you REALLY can't let the fear stop you, you could be dealing with something really serious that only medical attention can help fix :/ Please, do anything it takes to get seen. Whether going with a friend or whatever.

*Hugs all the Wardies*

Heather , the Dress looks great :)

Becca , You look nice :) Purple suits you .

*hugs Mark*

*Hugs Helen back* How are you this morning?

Still feeling sick =[ Supposed to be going to my college enrolment but I'm too poorly :(

Aww nuts Helen , I hope you feel better soon :)

Hi Lia!! I'm meh. How are you? :-)

Hi everyone else, how you guys doing?

Can I...can someone just come sit with me in a corner?
Please? :crying:
I'm sorry guys.

*Hugs Mara*

*Hugs Kaytee and sits with in the corner of your choice*

Thank you Mark *hugs back* How are you going?

*cuddles Helen* I hope your better soon =[

Hi Mara *hugs*

Good morning everyone. :) *cuddles all*

Heather, I think that that dress looks very good on you. :) And thanks for tucking me in last night, I think I needed someone to do that. :) *hugs*

Becca, I agree with Mark, purple suits you. ^_^ *hugs* I'm sorry it's been a long time since you've believed that you were beautiful... I don't understand why so many people get so down on themselves. :( It's sad. Of course, I'm one to talk, ahahaha... >_<

Kaytee, hon, what's up?? *cuddles gently and sits with you and Mark*

Hey Mara, how are you today? *hugs*

Hels, I really hope that you feel better soon. :( *cuddles* Can you reschedule the college interview thing?

Lia, Mark, I spy you!! *glomps* How are you doing, loves?

Taz, love, how're things with you? *cuddles*

And to all the other wardies who haven't posted in a bit - how are you all today/tonight? *cuddles & safe care packages for all* <3

I got through last night okay. Ughhh. Fiiinally got to sleep after napping from 7pm-10pm, getting up and taking a shower/getting meds, coming on here and posting, and then going back to bed. Slept in til almost 7am too. But I was having this really really ****ing weird dream about getting my breakfast ready as well as a display of caterpillars. Woke up very very anxious. NOT a good combination in a dream, ahahaha... >_< Terrified though as today is supposed to be the first day on my new meal plan... :( So ****ing scared. It's a lot of calories and I am so scared that I am just going to gain weight off of it... :'( Sorry.

Jarrod has his meeting about his "gaffe" at work today... unless it's rescheduled like it was yesterday. I'm worried about it/him. I don't know why. It should go well... I guess I'm just scared he's going to be fired even though, well, he didn't do anything quite deserving of that. :( Miscommunications BITE. :'(

Sorry for all of the whinging... I just have no.one.IRL.to.talk.with about any of this. :'(

*Hugs April*I'm sure Jarrod won't get fired , from what you say it doesn't sound so. AND . That sounds like a particularly odd dream yes:S

I have my FIRST EVER 2 hour volunteer thing at the cyber cafe in town at 2 pm . I'm pretty anxious . I've forgotten a lot of what they taught me yesterday at training :S

Thank you April. I'm just so so overwhelmed with everything. I've just realised how bad the ED is :crying:

Your not whinging, keep talking to us, we're all here to listen :) *cuddles* I hope it goes okay for Jarrod

Good luck with it Mark, I'm sure everything will come back to you once you're there :) *hugs*

*sits with Kaytee & offers a hug*


I'm not having a great day. I feel really unsafe & my mind is trying to think of a safe place but everywhere seems so scary. I need help, but every time I see my CPN/Psych I just get really laughy & jokey & come across ok. I'm not!! why can't i tell them? I'm scared of myself.

*leaves some nuts on the table for everyone to munch on*

Hope ur all keeping well there :-)

*cuddles Mark* I'm sure that it will go okay - on first days people are usually quite forgiving of errors etc., and I agree with Kaytee, I'm sure that once you go there and start working some/most of the stuff from training will come back. We're here to cheer you on!! ^_^ *extra special hugs* <3

Kaytee, I'm sorry that things are so overwhelming right now. :( Care to talk about it at all? my PM box is open now, as it is always. :) And don't worry about bothering me whilst I'm struggling - helping someone else usually/always gets my mind off of me and my own ****. Heh. I'm sorry your ED is so bad. :( Is there any way that you can get help? because coming to the realization of how bad it actually is, can honestly be a stepping stone into health. Does that make sense at all??

*cuddles Mara* I understand the whole "laughy jokey" bit, I do that as well with my therapist. Thankfully she can see right through it, because my words don't match my affect (like last session, I said I was angry with my parents but was laughing when I said it, and she called me out on it - thankfully, I guess). I'm surprised that your CPN/pdoc can't see through it, and I'm sorry that they can't. Can you perhaps write one of them a letter saying all the thing that you wish that you COULD say when you see one of them? like, "I'm not okay, I'm struggling with XY&Z and I need your help"? something like that, I'm sorry if that's a dense/dumb suggestion. :-/

Urf. Jarrod's meeting rapidly approaches... I really hope/pray that it goes well... I also really hope that he won't be fired. :( SCARED. :crying:

Also, really am fighting with the whole "eat this and eat it now" thing that I feel like the paper on the table is saying. ("The paper on the table" = meal plan and food diary.) Ugh. I really don't want to follow someone else's idea of what I need to eat. I don't give a damn if my metabolism is slowing down. I also don't give a damn about what that nutritionist thinks I need to eat and how she thinks I need to exercise. But that's my ED talking, I'm pretty sure... but at the same time, how would I know?? I've always been a pretty stubborn person and I don't really want to get better, I'm enjoying losing weight. Of course, when I hit the "plateau" I won't be so happy... but... then I can start eating again, smaller increments than ****ing doubling my intake. :'( And she also "made fun" of one of my meals. I don't care if it's barely anything, it's what I like to eat and it tastes good to me... sorry, probably not making sense now. :'(

I really need to write in my journal, I think.... gonna go get dressed for the day then I'll do that. *cuddles all*

*cuddles everyone* Starting to feel a little better :D

Omg someone jumped off the 3rd floor balcony @ work. Triggered & unsafe :-(

*cuddles Mara* thanks :) I agree with April, I was going to suggest writing a letter or writing stuff down. I've done that a few times when I've seen people as I can be like that as well. Give it a go and see if that helps?

Thank you Jem, how are you going?

Thank you April :) Thank you everyone <3 I'm sorry, i feel like i've kinda just barged into the ward and demanded attention lol. April, I'm supposed to be getting some CBT starting next week, i've had my doctor and a psych up here refer me to the ED services in the city and finallly I should be starting monday, but I gotta get the confirmation call tomorrow.. hopefully, fingers crossed, otherwise Ill have to call them :/ i think ive found a support group here as well but it means a fair bit of travelling, hopefully its worth it :/ and yes, it does make sense ^_^ thank you :) its just been an absolutely draining past week, its been very much a roller coaster

*cuddles* you are making sense, i'm sorry its such a battle atm. i'm yet to start on a meal plan and food diary, supposed to be going through that when i start therapy :/ and im sorry im not much help at the moment, but ill offer you plenty of hugs *hugs* :)

*cuddles Helen* I'm glad you're starting to feel better :D

Oh goodness, sorry Mara *cuddles and keeps safe* is there anyone around you? thats horrible :(

Hels, yey for feeling better!! ^_^ *cuddles*

Mara, hon, I'm so sorry. :( Is there anyone that you can talk with, whom you trust?? or just keep posting on here when you're able, someone's usually about. I wish I could help you more... :( That would trigger me too, I think, trigger most anyone with potential suicidal thoughts. Wish I could whisk you out of there and somewhere safer. *cuddles gently*

Kaytee, I'm glad that you're going to start CBT etc. Meal plans really aren't that bad as long as you're willing to follow someone else's "rules" ... which is really difficult for me as I'm quite stubborn and I really like feeling hungry, because for years and years I didn't - and I am being truthful. I didn't feel hungry for a long time, because my hungry/full "sensors" were off completely. :( Stupid life. Stupid me. I really need to just grow up... but doesn't "growing up" mean being independent?? which means I can do my own thing... But I guess if it means that "your own thing" comes in conflict with "your health" then it's best not to be independent, at least in that area of your life? Thing is, that's like... the only area of my life where I (feel like I) have any control whatsoever. It feels like Jarrod (husband) has control of nearly everything. :( Not true I know but still. ARGH.

Sorry to "sabotage" my reply to you with my own ramblings & ****. Ugh. I did write in my LiveJournal but that just made me angrier. I'm supposed to have XXXkcal so I'm having something else than what my meal plan suggests as I only have one out of the 3 ingredients for it (it's a protein shake - and we don't have a blender, ahahaha). Need to go grocery shopping I guess. Ugh. :( I really don't want to. *whinge whinge whinge*

Anyway. Ummm... oh, my mum and I are going spinning today. :) That should be fun, although I don't really want to see another human being today, since I don't feel human, for what sense that makes. I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense right now, I'm just trying to string my thoughts together and get them out and see if anyone has any feedback... sorry. :(

*hides in the warren and shreds up old newspapers* :crying:

*sits next to april* bet your mealplan isnt as much as you think it is, but i know its really really scary <3 message me if you wanna. *nod*

im tiiiired =[
and hoping can still add this class thats actually interesting and the professors tag-teaching it arent arguing amongst themselves [as its only one prof so... haha]

*Hugs Mara* That does sound terribly triggering.

*Hugs April* You are making sense yes . You are in control of what you eat to a large extent , YOU buy and cook the meals yourself so you are very much in control .

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Kaytee*

My first 2 hours of volunteering is over . It was just sweeping and hoovering the floor for 10 minutes , surf the net for the rest of the time as only 2 peolppe came in wanting to learn the P.C.'s so I didn't really get any practice or learning done .Hmm . Everyone was nice , I still shook hmmm , Lithium plus nerves minus 10mg Diaz equals still shaking .

Thanks guys
I'm with my partner now but scared to tell her how triggered I am :-(
Just gonna hang here for a bit

g'morning everyone.

Morning Crimson , How are you ? *Hugs*

Hayley Texted me And says Hi to you all and has spent this afternoon on the phone to bt trying to get her internet working .She hopes to be online soon. Also she got the card today and and is really happy with it :) It's the first one she and Eoghan have gotten :)

*cuddles everyone*

Im glad that Hayley liked the card! :)

Sorry no time for individuals right now. Just wanted to say hi and wish everyone a good afternoon/evening.

Oh and say that tomorrow, i'm probably participating in breaking the world record for the most people doing the hokey pokey. Random I know.. sometimes i <3 my uni haha

*hugs everyone.'
im such a screw up :(

Go Laura ! Setting world records :) Good luck. *Hugs*

*Hugs Nicole* you're not a screw up , whats made you feel that?

i am! first day of college and im self harming in the toilets :( i am an idiot.

*hugs everyone*

Back on the meds today, and remembering why I hate taking them... make me tired as hell. Oh well. Heading down to the amusement park tonight/tomorrow with my sister so I won't be around for a couple of days. Will be thinking of you all though <3

Argh, ate my meal plan so far today and I hate it. I feel full to overflowing... feel so gross & nasty, and know that the scale is not going to be my friend tomorrow. I'm terrified. I don't want to gain weight. I've worked so ****ing hard to lose what I've lost... I'm at the lowest I've been in months. Don't want to lose it the progress I've made, really really don't.

:crying:

Sorry. ****ing fail right here.

*Hugs Nicole* I'm sorry you cut :(

*Hugs April* It's good that you followed your meal plan .

*hugs taz, april and mark*
taz-have fun at the amusment park
april-well done for sticking to your meal plan.
mark-how are you today

i just really have a bad feeling about college, it was my first day and i've already cut in the toilet, cried and walked out of class :(

Nicole, hon, it's the first day. First days are always super stressful, just learning your way about etc. At least, that's how it is here. *hugs* Does college there have some sort of support you can get from counselors or something if you need?

I really think I'm an epic fail.

Updated r/v by the way...

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

:crying:

I hate my life. So much. This week has been more than I can/should be able to bear. It's so ****ing hard. I can't do it... can't... and have no one IRL to really talk to. I hate that. I hate so much about, well, so much. :'(

*hides where no one can find her after giving Laura a big hug*

*finds helen and hugs her* there is counselling but i dont really want it, im hoping that the woman who interviewd me today will be my tutor because she was really nice and supportive, yeah, i suppose they are stresfful, but that doesn't make it ok that i cut, im supposed to be stronger than that now.

you are not an epic fail hun, i'm sorry your week has been so hard, is there anything you want to talk about?

*hugs April* I'm glad you followed your meal plan even though you didnt want to <3

*hugs Nicole* Sorry that you cut hun, but the first day is always the most stressful. You can expect a minor relapse... just start all over again, and you can make it longer this time :)

*hugs Mark*

*Hugs Taz*

*hugs taz* yeah i suppose...
i also had to put my sexuality on the form...that was scary, i didnt know if they were gonna judge me on it....