*hugs helen* GCSE results. im scared because i know ive failed :( and also school is one of the worst things for making me panick and i have to go in to get them...... :(

*Hugs April* I would be worried yes , but like you said it is HIGHLY unlikly that you will be hospitalised , I remember a few weeks ago I was SURE I was going to end up in hospital but it wasn't even bought up . What I mean is that we build these things up to be worse than they turn out to be in our heads .

*Hugs Nicole* Best of luck going to school to collect your results tomorrow :)

*Hugs Helen* I'm sorry you miss your best friend already , I miss mine , I haven't seen her for 8 days , missing people sucks :(

*hugs mark* thanks. im not sure im gonn actually make it into school or not, and also, its supposed to be really hot here tomorrow, i dont wanna wear a big jumper :(

Nicole, Do you have any thin material blouses/shirts you could wear in the hot weather? Or like a long sleeved T-shirt?

Missing people does suck. I miss my bestie and I saw her on Saturday. >_< So yeah. *sigh*

Mark, yeah, I remember that. You're right, we do make things out to be worse than they actually are... but... I'm just scared that no one's going to be able to get me to eat, including Jarrod, and I'm just... not interested in food, really, so yeah. :( It feels really dumb to say that, but... I don't know. I feel like such a waste of time & energy. :'(

Nicole, I'm sure that you did better than you think you did... and even if you did fail, you have a good reason for it - you've been struggling so much lately. It's really hard to focus on school when you're fighting your own personal battles (trust me, I know, experience speaking here)... so maybe if you failed you can retake them when you're in a better place mentally??

Hels, I'm sorry that you're not feeling the best right now, love. :(

I'm still feeling shitty. :( I need to do my therapy homework but I really don't want to. It's gonna be hard and I can't decide whether to do it on paper or in my LJ. Ugh. I'd rather be able to type it up, and doing it on the comp and printing it off isn't an option as I don't have a printer really easily available to me. GRRRR. I really need to get more ink for mine... :(

I'm getting back into the habit of wearing baggy clothes... even though I have a tonnnnnn of weight to lose before anyone notices anything. :( Fat April. Yucky April. Nasty April. *sigh*

*hides in the warren and cries softly*

*hugs mark and april*
mark-no i dont have any long sleeved T-shirts. i was talking about this to my mum the other day actually, its weird that im a self harmer yet i have no long sleeved T-shirts and only 2 jumpers....
april-i suppose so. and i didnt even turn up to half my exams cause i was having such a bad time, i just want it to be over and done with, my mum said she will throw me a party if i do ok.

Hmm a party sounds nice, but hon, please don't beat yourself up if you don't do well. As I said... when you're struggling as you are right now, it's really really difficult to do well at anything. :( *hugs*

*hugs* i know :( its just so annoying that i had to get really bad when it was time for my GCSEs, why couldnt it of been when i was younger or older?!

*hugs* i suppose, i just really want those results.
anyone in the UK flooded right now?

Not flooded here Nicole , although it is raining , are you flooded?

no but talking to some people online and they are, bit worried because im prone to floodng. not raining here at the moment but are forecasted heavy rain all week......

Hugs all. Being a crazy and damn stressful week, feels like I'm going from one stressful thing to another lately. Kind of strugging to keep it together, really want to hurt myself badly. Really stuiped thoughts running through my head. Just want it all to stop.

*Hugs Jill* I can empathise with wanting to harm , I really do to :( I hope that your week improves :)

I Should get out of the flat or I'll harm, but I can't stay out indefinatley maybe just a quick walk will jolt my head out of the bad thoughts , sorry :(

Nicole, I'm sure your results will be better than you expect and if you haven't done so well, please don't beat yourself up, you have been through a lot of struggles in the last few months sweetheart. I know when I picked up my GCSE results, all I did was pick up my results, went to see a couple people and walked out. You could just get the envelope and then walk out of the building & read them?? Maybe wear a thin long cardie if it's hot & you have one??? *cuddles*

Mark, that sucks. I live far away (well just over 3 hours on trains) so I haven't seen mine in person for over a year now. But get to for a week in October :D (6 weeks today) It does suck though. I'll get through it, have to really. Hoping this week flies past that's all.

April, I'm sorry you're struggling so much but glad we got to chat quickly on facebook *cuddles tight*

this thread moves so much!
*hugs all* I'm sorry, I just can't do individuals, it's so overwhelming.
I had an absolutely shitty Brit Lit class today. I'm just not good with Middle English or anything before Shakespeare to be honest. I feel so incompetent, and I desperately need a good grade in this class.
So... now I'm triggered, and I still need to finish my Creative Writing assignment so I won't stress over it tomorrow. And I don't know. Maybe uni just isn't a good thing for me.

Sorry, I know it's a small thing compared to everything else in this thread, I just absolutely hate not having awesome grades and being the best in everything.

*Hugs Felicia*It's not a small thing, Uni is important ( I wish I hadn't been so messed to go , not the point) , What I mean is you obviously care about it so it matters . Man I hope I came over ok , sorry.

Oh April I JUST noticed that I missed you on Facebook hours and hours ago , really sorry :(

Having awesome grades and being the best in everything isn't good thing to aim for honey. NOBODY is best at everything!!!! Try your best at everything you don't but don't make yourself ill/stressed over it, it's not worth it. I also agree that this thread can move quite fast sometimes, so it can be hard to do individuals...

Mark, you're not too messed up to go I'm sure *cuddles*

Hey guys. I'm back Holiday was ok. Fam drove me insane. Cousins are lovely (and mental). I only cut once. I deserved that. Also have GCSE results tomorrow and am dreading it.

How is everyone?

xx

*tackle hugs lia* Glad that you are back hun! Good job on only cutting once.

*hugs nicole* I hope that your GCSE results turn out okay.

*hugs mark* how r u doing?

*hugs april* I'm sorry that you aren't doing well at all. I understand about the anxiety thing though. I hate anxiety. Try to stay safe with your ED stuff... don't let it take over.

*hugs helen* i'm sorry you miss your bestie already. only 6 weeks until you see her though! You can hang in there until then, I know you can :-)

*hugs felicia* i understand stress over uni. I stress a lot about it too, and start classes today actually. And helen is right, nobody can be the best at everything.

*hugs jill*

*cuddles crimson b/c i spy you*

*hugs everyone else* sorry if i missed you... those are all the individuals I can remember right now.

Nervous about class today... Stupid social anxiety. I always freak out... hopefully i can avoid a panic attack. Feeling a little better physical health-wise though, no fever today, more like a cold now.

*Hugs Laura* I'm glad you're fever has been downgraded to a cold , Soon it will be gone ! Hooray! :) Sorry you are so anxious though.

*Hugs Lia* WELCOME HOME!!! Good luck for your GCSE results tomorrow .

I WANT to Harm SO badly it's ridiculous or drink but I'm on Antabuse so I'd have to wait a week until it is safe to drink . I just want out of my mind tripping me up all the ****ing time . Sorry.

Liaaaaaaa *hugs* Good to see you back :) Glad you only cut once. I'm sure you didn't deserve it. Good luck with your results ^_^

*hugs Laura* Yeah, you're right, I can & I can't wait to see her!!! Being very impatient aha. I know I've already said it but thank you for yesterday.

I'm sorry you're nervous, hope you can avoid a panic attack & it goes better than expected. Glad your physical health is getting better *cuddles*

Mark, harming or drinking won't stop your mind tripping you up. Please fight the urges. It's not worth hurting yourself. *cuddles*

Helen I know harming or drinking won't stop my mind tripping me up (does that make sense? but it's the only way I can think to say it) But Drinking would blur it out and harming would just......give me something else to focus on , It WOULD help although only temporary . I'm fighting the urges really hard.........hmmm

*huggles everyone.* i need ice cream.

*hugs everyone*

Am still high as hell, figured it would be a good escape... but 2 days straight obviously isn't doing its job. Will be back later.

Mark, glad you realise it will maybe only help temporarily, keep fighting the urges.

Nicole, you can have some of mine, god knows I have 3 tubs to get finishing!!! *hands spoon and ice cream*

Taz, I hope you're ok *cuddles*

:O 3 tubs?! wow, what type of ice cream is it? *takes spoon and ice cream and digs in* thanks helen :D

*cries*

DAMN IT ALL............... I am so angry. Obviously.

But first... *glomps Lia* Welcome back, sweetie!!! You were missed whilst you were gone... :) And well done on only cutting once (although I'm sure you didn't deserve it).

Ugh. I don't even want to talk/think about my stuff right now. It's so pathetic and stupid and annoying and it isn't even MY issues this time!!

:crying:

*Hugs Nicole* Why the tears?

*Hugs Taz* Are you okay?

I went out and bought white rum 3 hours after I took an Antabuse . My mind......oh crap my mind won't shut up , I'm worthless and it keeps telling me so :S *Frantically plays the 15 minute game* It's all I'm hanging onto....

I am not goping to drink the rum tonight , I have to wait a week for the Antabuse to be out of my system , I'm left with cutting ,I am VERY triggered and I know it's only temporary but temporary beats nothing right? I'll give it to 8pm and then find out if I'm still triggered.....

Huggles mark,and April.
**** it all what the hell is the point. When just as everthings okay, it turns to ****. What the the hell I'm I still doing here. Screw it all

Hugs everyone.

Make her stop moaning at me about food ffs :'(

Whats going on Helen?

Just my Mum getting at me again about 'wasting' food because I didn't eat it all again. She even did it before dinner and after. (Y)

*hugs Helen*

How are you feeling now, Mark?

What's happening? *hugs*

I'm triggered Lindsay :-( I just have to get to when I can sleep and HOPE Tomorrow is better , April is helping me :-)

Huggles mark. Sorry for that outburst, I'm okay just need to get my breathing under control and my crying.

well... i spent the last few hours trying to focus on one thing and failing... i'm kinda scattered today so i gave up and skipped 3-4 pages of the ward posts. sorry guys.
on the upside (or neutral side depending how you see it)to my day... i found an awesome federal job in sacramento california... i'm over qualified for the lower pay grade and almost qualified for the higher one. the pay is better than i have now and relocation allowances may be authorized.
now to convince d that his mum and adult sister can live on their own and to be okay with him moving away from them... that's the hard part. but i'm checking into how much bills will cost already so we'd be prepared. (might help in convincing him since i know he'll question if we can afford to live there).

*hugs everyone*

*huggles everyone* i feel ****, i so want to OD. and i have no idea where my mum is, and last time it was like this the police came. i dont want the police to come :'(

*hugs mark* please try not to cut or drink. Its not worth it, you know its not. I know that you can beat these urges. Here if you need anything.

*hugs helen* Im sorry your mom was yelling at you for "wasting" food. I'm sure that is pretty annoying.

*hugs nicole* try to not OD hun. Like i just said to mark, its not worth it. Hang in there.

*hugs april* Sorry that you are so angry. You know you can always vent in here if you need to about whatever.

*hugs crimson* its okay that you couldn't really focus on the ward, its moving fast again and hard to keep up sometimes. That sounds pretty awesome about the job in california! I know you've wanted to move for awhile now. Hope you can convince D that you guys could swing it!

*hugs taz, lindsay, and jill*

Done with my first day of classes. It went pretty well. I only had one today lol. I have a ton of work to do already though. Good thing i dont have to work at my job tonight or tomorrow so i can get some things done. Other than that, I'm a little tired, probably still from being sick, but thats okay.

Here if anyone needs to chat. <3

*Hugs everyone* Sorry no one seems to be having a good time right now, but I'll be useless. I can't stop crying. Three months worth of grief that I locked in and didn't allow myself to feel has just escaped. The irony is I need the person I lost to get me through the loss. **** it.

Sorry I'm no more use.

*cuddles lia* locking emotions in can be dangerous hun. It's probably good that some of your grief is coming out. You can make it through these feelings, but you probably can't do it alone, try to reach out to people around you, reach out in here... we're around if you need to talk about things.

*cuddles Lia* Laura's right, it's dangerous to lock in emotions. It's good that they're coming out - as long as they're coming out "safely." I.e., not in bouts of massive self injury, etc. Please try and stay safe, love. We care about you - and I hope that you're learning that.

*cuddles Jill* I hope that you feel better soon, sweetie. :( I'm sorry that you feel crappy.

*cuddles Laura* I'm glad that your first day of class(es) went well... hehe. I hope that they continue to go well, too. What are you taking this semester? Also, are you feeling any better physically?

Sorry it's not more, brain's really fuzzy. :(

^ yea i'm feeling a little better today, no more fever and whatnot. My head just feels kinda stuffy and i'm still coughing. This semester i'm taking: Personality, Attitude Change, Gender and Society (filler class - lol i know it sounds like something i shouldve taken way before my senior year), and Magazine reporting and writing.

Sorry that your brain is feeling fuzzy *gets out the lint roller for aprils brain* :-P (sorry, im in a kinda weird mood so i thought that was amusing)

*giggles* it was amusing to me too :P

I'm so excited now and I haven't even applied yet lol It looks like after bills and food we'd have at least 400$ to work with. I've verifying prospective electric bills with the company though since I was guessing based on our rates here and their rates there (per kwh) they seem close but built up with a months usage could be a big difference and the apt i'd try to get would have a washer and dryer in the apartment so that'd impact it too. *shrugs* I'm gonna apply and see what happens! and tell d after I apply. sounds bratty but I know when I show it all to him he'll like it. he wanted to move to cali too till his mother and sisters moved in with us repeatedly. and his youngest sister wants to go with us but as a minor we couldn't take her if we wanted to.

and now for the unexpected post about something other than me...

Lia- you aren't useless you're just struggling and there's plenty of us you can PM if you need/like. *cuddles*

Laura- Glad you're getting over your cold. Hope classes go well. :) *hugs*

*hugs Nicole, April, Mark, Helen, Kahlia, Jill, Steph, Lex, Hayley and JK (though not present presently), Heather and any others I'm bound to have missed(sorry)*

*huggles everybody*

Whew! Three pages of posts since I was last in here. Sorry for the lack of individuals but I just can't keep up.

April: Just wanted to say that I hear you loud and clear on the way your anorexic mindset is progressing. I have to admit that mine is doing the same. I realise, and understand, your concern with your therapist and NP appointments but they may be able to help you find a way to help you ... if that makes sense.

Hopefully our oven will be getting fixed today. My paperwork is all in with Centrelink and I just have to wait and see with them. I managed to sleep again last night (yay) and my anorexic mindset is most definitely in control ... Oh, and I start uni on Monday!!

It's 08:20 and already it's been a long day ...

*hugs Lindsay* How you doing?


Hope you've managed to keep safe darling. *hugs*

It is very annoying and upsetting :( *hugs Laura* Glad you're feeling bit better.

Locked up feelings is not good but we all deal with grief in our own ways. Crying is good *cuddles tight*