*leaves safe hugs for everyone and goes off to read peoples threads*

*huggles everybody*

Sorry for the lack of individuals ... my heads not playing too nicely at the moment.

I haven't slept since 03:30-ish on Saturday 21/08 and it's now 11:15-ish on the 22/08. Last night I took 2 Mogadon which usually puts me to sleep quite a bit before midnight but obviously it didn't work. I spent quite a bit of the night crying and after 02:00 or so watching random episodes of Season 3 of the US version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? It was kind of hard to watch with the crying and with our downstairs neighbours who were playing incredibly loud music but I just felt like I had to do something. To be honest I feel like I'm falling apart. I keep thinking about doing dangerous stuff like jumping out the window (we're on the third floor) and various other things and my head is really not working as it should. In some ways I feel like curling up in the foetal position and just crying until I disappear.

Sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you all with that. :crying:

Yes you should have told us Kahlia. I'm sorry you haven't slept and feel like doing dangerous stuff. Please keep safe *cuddles*

*hugs helen* you are a very strong person. you can get through this. I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful... *extra supportive hugs*

*hugs heather* sorry that you family is restricting your internet still :-/

*cuddles kahlia* it was not bothering us, we want to know how you are doing and be able to offer our support if we can. Keep talking, especially if it will help at all. I'm sorry that you feel like you are falling apart. Don't do anything dangerous hun. Things will get better eventually.. you just have to hang in there. Try to stay safe.

Ugh.. my chest is starting to hurt from all the coughing i've been doing.
Hang in there everyone. <3 you all.

Thanks Laura. I know you can't be any more supportive than that as I've hardly explained....*hugs tight* She just texted me...

*cuddles* well i hope things will be okay.. here if you need anything, just thought i'd offer again even tho i know you can't explain.

Thanks. I could explain other stuff....

i dont want you to feel like i am forcing you to talk, just want you to be okay... sorry if its coming across like that. But if you want to explain/vent/whatever about anything, inbox is open.

I know you're not forcing me :) Will PM you x

I'm still alive
*hugs all*

I have a massive amount of work to do. still.

*hugs you* Glad you're still alive..

*hugs felicia* sorry you have so much work to do. Glad you alive though. Hang in there.

*hugs helen*

Why is it, when you cry, your nose is just one big snot machine????

Im back from work!
I survived my shift! I worked on auto-pilot...I cried though...my manager wanted to send me home but I didnt want to come back and mope on my own coz I know Id do something stupid.
Ill be on a train back to Manchester in just over 4 hours.
I dont wanna go. Im scared.
I feel like im 6 years old again...sitting in the hospital looking at all the sick people...
I thought Id be ok if I got drunk. I thought the pain would stop. But now im lay in bed binge eating.
Im fat and stupid and ugly. My nana is dying. She's gonna die knowing what a disappoint I am.

*huggles all*

Looks like it's likely to be a hung parliament here ... not sure ... last I heard it was still too close too call. Mentally really not doing too much better. Told my housemate everything except for the dangerous thinking. And he said we'll get me sleeping and see how I am tomorrow and just work from there. I keep stopping in the middle of tasks because I can't remember what I'm doing. Just from lack of sleep. I don't think I'm heading manic because of the dangerous thoughts, crying and some other stuff - my head doesn't feel manic if that makes sense - so we're hoping that sleep will kind of reset it. I hope so as I could really do with a break.

Hels & Laura: I just want to send you both *great big hugs* and some thanks. Thinking of you both.

*hugs Felicia & Alex* - to both of you, I'm really sorry it's not more but I can't put my thoughts in order to make enough sense. Just know that I'm thinking of both of you.

*leaves big hugs and safe care packages for all*

....um hi:notsure:
been 32 page sorry guys

Julie!! Hi :) *Hugs* How are you ?

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs April* I read your R/V thread and your LJ, I really wish I knew what to say , I've No experiance with an ED or even knowing someone with an ED really , sorry *Mahooisive Hugs*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Felicia*Glad you're still alive :) Good luck with all the work !

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope you sleep well :)

*Hugs Lex*

Hi Julie :) *offers cuddles* How you been?

*hugs Mark* How are you?

*hugs Alex* Glad you managed to get through your shift. Crying is okay. I know you'll say it's not at work and I probably agree, but sometimes it just has to happen. Hope seeing your Nana isn't too horrible for you.

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry you're still struggling. Keep fighting sweetheart. Thanks for the hugs.

*hugs Laura* Hope you're feeling better today & thanks for PM'ing me last night. I've sent you a quick PM =)

*hugs April* I spy you :) How are you feeling today? Hopefully a little better.

*hugs everyone else*

*hugs everyone* This thread moves so quickly!

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry I've not been around much lately. Things just haven't been good lately. I did eat today though, so far... was kind of "forced" to since Jarrod's home and... yeah. I mean, he was home yesterday, but only for one meal (which I didn't eat... :-X) but today he's decided to be more determined about me eating. Blah. :(

I did call my NP about this as I can't get in touch with my therapist (not really anyway)... and no response yet. :( Boo hiss. I am so frustrated!!.........

Sorry.

*cuddles all some more* :(

Cuddles all. Hmm I'm so tried, it's begin a crazy 3 days. wish people in my real life would ingage there brain before they speak. Just once I would like not be shown up.Just feel like collapsing in a heap. Stuiped thoughts running through my head, way to tierd to act on them tho.

*huggles everyone.* i should really get dressed....

Slept in Nicole ? :)

I laid down at 1.30pm and only got up when my neighbour rang my doorbell at 4pm heh.

How are you?
How is everyone?

lol. slept till about 1pm, but am still in my pjs! XD

Sleep is fantastic, although i'm trying not to sleep too much which will be difficult now that my brother has moved out.

Hugs all. Damn it I really want to hurt myself,being on such a high this week, it's kind of being stressfull, so had to keep everthing together, but now it's finished so it's all come flooding out. Curls up and hides.

*curls up in a ball and cries* Can't stop crying. Can't stop feeling so low. I'm so fed up of it & everything. I just wish I could see my best friend. I already miss her, she hasn't gone yet (she's stopping at her aunt's for a week starting Tuesday)..

*huggles helen*

*hugs Nicole* How are you?

*Hugs Helen*

*hugs everyone*

I really want to overdose. I can't get it out of my mind.

hey everyone!

you might have guessed from my lack of posting over the past few days, i ended up back in hospital. it was horrible. there were some things that happened (not all surrounding self harm, a lot of the things the staff did, which really, really upset me) which has made me even more determined never to be admitted again i have gone back on my medication, but am suffering really bad with shaking as a side effect...

i have read all the posts since i was last on, but my head isn't really in a place to reply to everyone, but have been wondering if you are all ok, sorry some of you are feeling so crappy. *massive hugs all round*

yeah, so life's pretty **** atm, but college interview on thursday, i hope so much that i get in, its the only thing i am really hanging on to.

anyways, so i am back

xx

hugs one step closer try not to Hun, please stay safe. Hugs everbody else.

*Hugs Lindsay*

Please Try not to Overdose Lindsay :S Could you do something to distact yourself , Chamomille tea is calming , or normal tea , Just the act of making it could distract you . Or maybe a relaxing bath with bubbles!!:) or a shower if your not a bath person , then a pretty early night and maybe tommorow will be brighter ?

*hugs Mark*

Please keep safe Lindsay *cuddles* I really want to harm too but trying not to.

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs Steph* I'm sorry you got put in hospital and had such a crappy time there . Are you on Lithium , that makes me shake , well my hands at any rate ,You don't have to answer that question. I don't shake ALL the time hmm.
GOOD LUCK With your interview :)!!

Thanks everyone, and i'm sorry that you are struggling with thoughts of harming too Helen.

Part of me wants to do it just to get into hospital so that I can be looked after. I feel like no one can look after me emotionally but they can look after me if I am physically unwell. I feel ashamed.

OH Lindsay *Hugs* I know the feeling of wanting to be looked after, It can be very lonely living alone and being triggered :(

no, i am back on venlafaxine.

i know none of you are going to really be interested in this, but i cant stop thinking about it... on my first night in the psych ward, i didnt sleep at all and was really struggling, and i had everything taken off me, wasnt even allowed a bottle of pop!!! so if i was in view of staff i asked if i could write down how i was feeling. they let me. in the end, i wwrote 5 pages of A4! i cant usually write stuff down, well not as much as that anyway. so when i finished it, i asked the staff to put it through the shredder for me, because i didnt want any of the their patients finding it in the bin etc, and also asked them not to read it or put it in my notes, as it was merely a distraction technique, and it was extremely private. so last night i was going through all my careplans with m named nurse when i saw some paper, and recognised a sentence in my file. i couldnt believe it. it was all that stuff i had written the night i was admitted. they had obviously read what i had written, the night i did it, because some of the stuff i wrote, they would think they knew what it was about, but it has nothing to do with anything they know about me, but what they think it is, is really rather personal/between me and one of the staff. and they were all laughing that night after i had asked them to shred it. it has really hurt me, especially as they said they had shredded it. i think i might ring the manager of the ward tomorrow to complain. one good thing though, my named nurse destroyed the paper before anyone else could read it, with 3 other staff as witness, but thats not the point.

anyway, sorry for all of that, really needed to get it out.

*sends love and gentle cuddles*

I feel awful right now... :( ...just ate more than I have at one sitting in the past 3 days and I just want to purge... won't... but still, that urge is right there and it is so ****ing strong. :'(

I'm scared to talk with my NP about all of this when I see her on Wednesday. Scared that she'll want me to keep looking into res, or even worse, want to put me into a hospital ASAP. Which wouldn't do anything good at all. Just make me worse. I don't know. :crying: I just want to give up.

I see my therapist tomorrow... :( ...am scared of that as well since things have taken such a downturn since the last time I saw her. I wish I could just make it all stop. :'(

I'm sorry I've been such a "bad" wardie lately, without doing my usual individuals... but... guess I "needed" to let y'all know how I am doing. :(

*huggles everybody*

We watched two movies yesterday. Eyeborgs and Robots. hehe. Sorry, my brains on the fritz. At least I got some sleep last night, even if it took 2 Mogadon and 1 Xanax to get me there and I still woke at 04:30. *sigh*

*Finds puppy Sinclair and hugs him wrapped up in her hello kitty blanket.* I am at a very low place for me.

*hugs everyone*

Hope you're all ok & had good weekends.

*huggles all*

Made a bus trip to Centrelink after getting an almost straight answer about my problem with a claim form. The oven guy is coming tomorrow morning . . .

*Hugs Steph* That SUCKS that they read what you wrote , you should totally complain to the ward manager I reckon :S

*Hugs April* Good luck with all your appointments this week :)

*Hugs Kahlia*

*Hugs Becca*

*Hugs Unicorn Tears*

Good morning everyone... *cuddles*

Am not doing well... still. Fourth day of not wanting to eat/not really eating. :( I'm terrified of being hospitalized. While not likely (yet), I can almost guarantee that I will be shaking & quivering at my therapy appt later today for fear of that. :( And same at my NP appt on Wednesday. Damn anxiety... but then... wouldn't everyone be afraid/worried? :-/

Nothing else going on really, at least in my head. This rules all. :crying:

*huggles everyone* i REALLY just want tomorrow to be over.

*cuddles everyone*

Feeling low & already really missing my best friend :( But she doesn't go away til tomorrow for a week instead Fri-Mon. Meh. 6 weeks til I can see her myself mind you...

What's happening tomorrow? *cuddles*