Enjoy Canada Lia, not sure if you'll see this. Probably not.

*cuddles everyone else*

*cuddles all who have posted in the last hours*

Sorry, no individuals right now... am feeling very overwhelmed, very exhausted, and very pent up, and I don't even know why!! I hate feeling this way. Want to crawl out of my skin, had nightmares all night, and my friend is coming over in a little over 3 hours and the apartment is still not clean enough. Need to do at least a few dishes but I hate doing dishes, ughhh. :( I know, I'm a lazy fat-arse slob but oh well.

:crying:

*cuddles April lots* Hope you feel better soon sweetie :( Sorry I disappeared last night, I fell asleep and when I woke up, I came offline straightaway.

April I hope you have FUN with your friend !!:)

Thanks Hels, Mark. *cuddles* I'm sure I will have fun, she's a great person. :) I did manage to tidy up a bit more, so that's good... now all I want to do is either play WoW or play my cello, lol... I think I have everything set up for lunch... almost. :-/ Oh ugh, silly me, don't have vegetables... oh well. *sigh* And don't have much to offer to drink - Powerade Zero, or sugarfree water packets, or lower calorie orange juice + calcium & vitamin D, or milk. Well, I guess that's enough, haha... Oh dear, it's just been so freaking long since I've had guests here that I haven't known for my whole life (i.e., my bestie, who comes over a lot - kind of). ARGH...

Oh and Hels, it's okay. <3 I went AFK for a bit anyway, then saw you were AFK so went offline without saying g'night (sorry about that) and then went and took a shower and off to bed. :)

Ah yes, meant to mention this - finally got a grade for my internship, got a B+, so ended up with a graduating GPA of 3.71 (out of a possible 4.00). >_< Not half as good as I'd've liked, but oh well. :(

*hides in the warren*

*hides with April*

B+ is good April ! Way to go you ! .
What are sugar free water packets ? are they just what they sound like?

*cuddles Hels* How are you doing this morning, sweetie?

*cuddles Mark* Sugarfree water packets are packets of sugarfree flavoring that you can add to 16 oz. of water. They're really good and here you can buy them at Walmart for about $1.50 for 10 packets. I really like the Crystal Light pomegranate lemonade though... or else the wild strawberry. :) Yum. Hehe. How are you doing today, big bro??

*cuddles everyone else*

Am starting to get nervous even though said friend told me that she is "not coming to see my apartment, she's coming to see me." Hehe. True, but then when I rang up my parents this morning my mum stressed the importance of a clean bathroom & kitchen... and it just made me more stressed. :( :( :( Feel so bad now. Our kitchen is pretty clean, as is our bathroom... but... I don't know. I hate feeling like there's all this pressure on me to make the apartment look nice. :(

*hides in a hole and cries quietly*

It's quiet so far today...

...did a bit more cleaning, made sure that we have lunch supplies, damnit I hate feeling like I'm less than what I should be!! :'(

Waiting for my friend to get here... she should be here any minute now.

Played cello a bit... takes more muscles than I'm accustomed to!! lol. But it's all good. I'm up to playing "Ode to Joy" (most of it) as well as "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" (about half of it before my arm & brain get tired, lol)... we'll see how my stamina increases. :D I love my cellllllo. XD

*cuddles everyone, then curls up next to Mark, wherever he is, and cries some more* :(

*Cuddles April* I'm here , just got back from Accupuncture so sleep tonight (I hope) . I'm just feeling numb , absense of feeling , so I don't really know what to say , am still waiting on blood test results and my SW who was supposed to call me last Friday didn't and is off sick all this week so I don't think that my Lithium ( and Liver function ) results will be told to me .
When I do feel feelings it's low and/or anxiety :(

*hugs april* hope you lunch thing went okay.

*hugs mark* hope you find out about your blood test results soon. Sorry that you are feeling so numb.

*hugs helen* how are you?

*hugs lia, felicity, kahlia, luke, oliver, and everyone else*

Stuck in my hometown for a few weeks. Everything is just so frustrating here... and loud... and i don't know. Maybe i should have gone through with other plans I made last time I was home.. but i don't/won't because I never do.
*sits invisibly in the corner*

April, have fun with your friend! Also congrats on the 3.71, I wish I could get a GPA like that!

Mark, *hugs* I hope you can sleep tonight.


I had horrible dreams last night, made me wish I'd never forced myself to sleep. I woke up clawing at my arms with my fingernails... not gonna lie, it only triggered me more.
I know with this dream I had, there's huge things I need to bring up with my T, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop blocking out everything.

*Hugs Laura* Please don't go through with any bad Plans (If thats what you meant ,sorry) You are worth so much more than that , I'd miss you too.

*Hugs Felicia*I'm sorry you had triggering dreams , I hope you are feeling a bit better having been awake a while.

*cuddles all*

Don't go through your plans if they're bad ones Laura, we care for you so much.

I'm really low, exhausted and sore. Suicide thoughts keep going through my mind on/off. I also had nightmares during the night. Fun times.

*hugs felicia* I'm sorry that you had bad dreams... I hate nightmare type dreams... they always bother me. You probably should try to talk to your T. Maybe she can help you unblock things in a safer type of environment.

*hugs mark* don't worry, i won't go through with any bad plans. My head is just being dumb i guess. I wish i could believe that i was worth more than that... b/c honestly, i just don't... and its harder when my thoughts are just out of control and telling me that i want to disappear.

*hugs helen* oops i missed you while typing.
I'm sorry that you are sore and had nightmares. Try to ignore those suicide thoughts.. I know its hard though. :-/

*cuddles Laura* I'm trying..

*curls up*

*curls up with Nicole and spies April*

*cuddles all*

Laura & Hels, and Mark too, and anyone else who's struggling with suicidal ideation right now... you're all worth so much more than that. Try to believe that, okay? My friend & I talked about that today actually, about how it's a "permanent fix to a temporary problem" ... things WILL get better, you've just got to keep believing that. *cuddles tight*

The time with my friend went well, I played cello/viola/violin for her and it made my brain go all tired, lol, switching clefs like that. >_< But it was a fun time. She stayed from 10am until about 10 minutes ago (1:30pm) so it was awhile... kept me outta trouble though, heehee. XD But we had fun. And had pb&honey sandwiches for lunch... and I'm going to help her make a meal plan as she has to work on lowering fat intake etc. I feel accomplished, like my almost-nutrition-minor counts for something. Hehe. She also has had an ED and we spent almost an hour talking about food. :P I was surprised but it was enjoyable, as we can really relate to each other. :D

Anyway. Am feeling low right now & really full... hate feeling full. :(

*hides and journals for awhile*

*hugs helen and also spies april*

*cuddles Nicole* How are you, hon?

*spies Mark & glomps* XD

*cuddles april* im not sure, had a great night staying at my friends, then a good day watching toy story 3 at the cinema. but now i'm home i'm really triggerd and feeling low :(

I'm here if you want to talk, Nicole.

I'm not able to take most of my medication because it is making me gag but it's not available as a liquid and my doctor won't put me on anything else before I see my psychiatrist which is in more than two weeks. I'm feeling so low and am crying a lot. I can't cope.

:( Lindsay *Hugs* Could you get an emergency Psychiatrist appointment ? So you see them sooner .

*hugs lindsay* thanks. i think i'm ok at the moment. just trying to distract myself.

****ing hell!! My eye twitch is back and is driving me crazy. :'( I feel like a freak as it is visible (but barely) and I have no idea what's causing it... although the little hypochondriac in me is wondering if it's TD (tardive dyskinesia) from the Abilify. :crying:

Sorry...............

april-OMG i get an eye twitch! it does my head in!

*cuddles all*

April, eye twitching is usually your body's way of waking you up if a part of your body is falling asleep. It's ANNOYING AS HELL though =[ But it continues, maybe speak to your doctor???

No part of my body's falling asleep though, and this is the second day it's been happening (off & on)... damn, it's just started again. :( I hate it, ****ing annoying, doing my head in as Nicole said!! :'( Feel awful about it too, am scared that it's TD even though it's unlikely... need to research it more. Ugh. Will probably text my NP about it if it's still around tomorrow... :-S

How're you doing now, Hels? *cuddles*

Yeah, you may not notice it falling asleep, but sometimes it tries to without you realising. Well that's what I've been told....but I also read this

I'm still really low, sore (my jaw locking hasn't helped) and exhausted. Still got suicide thoughts. Fun times.

Thanks for the info, Hels. *cuddles* I'm sorry you're still not feeling great... anything I can do to help?? :(

I wonder if it is spending a lot of time in front of the comp. But the thing is, I've spent this much time in front of the PC before and never had this problem... argh... I don't know. It's really frustrating though... sorry to keep saying that, it's just that here's the only place that I can really vent about it. :( Jarrod just wonders if it's a side effect of going off of Tegretol (which I'm not supposed to be doing >_<)... and that's "end of story" with him. And I wonder if it's TD, because I'm stupid that way. :(

*glomps Nicole & Mark* :D

It could just suddenly appear. How long you been on your new med? I ask because I know from my best friend changing meds etc, that some side effects from changing meds can last upto two weeks and then go away.

If it's been around two weeks, I'd definitely speak to your doctor just incase it's a side effect that needs looking into or something?? *cuddles*

Nothing anyone can do. I just want to die to be honest. But at same time, I don't want to leave my best friend. Just want it all to **** off and take the past away with it. I can't deal with any of this :'(

Sorry I'm being all quiet tonight , Numb Numb Numb .*sigh* I kinda tired but am forcing myself to stay up until a "reasonable" bedtime .
I'm triggered :( I don't even know why :S

Stay safe Mark x

Thanks Helen , That means a lot :) you stay stay safe too now ya hear :) *Hugs*

I'm trying, I have to anyway, me and bestie promise each other every night (sometimes in the day too) to be 'good'. *hugs*

*hugs all*

sorry its not more, I'm just so exhausted, been so sleepy all day

Helen , It's good that you can make that promise with your bestie :)

*Hugs Oliver* *Hands over a pillow for you to rest on*

I don't have much choice :P But yeah.

*hugs Oliver too*

*hugs april* i'm sorry about your eye twitch.. That sounds pretty annoying. Hope that it goes away or that you figure out what is causing it at least.

*hugs nicole* Hope you are staying distracted.

*hugs helen* Stay strong hun. I'm glad that you have your bestie to make that promise too. Sorry that you are feeling so badly today.

*hugs mark* Its okay that you are quiet, we understand. Sorry that you are triggered. Try to fight any urges you have. I know you can do it.

*hugs oliver* you okay?

I love how everything when i am home is always my fault and that I always get put down by my younger sister. It was apparently my fault that she was late to her dentist appointment b/c I took a shower first and only left her 45 minutes to get ready when she is used to an hour and half... and if she tells me one more time that my computer is pathetic b/c it is so ugly (it was her computer first but she didn't like it so my dad gave it to me) I'm going to flip sh*t... its not like thats a hugely hurtful thing but the repetition is getting to me... I'm so sick of everything. I cannot handle being at home for another week and half. So f*ck it. Its all my damn fault. I take full responsibility for everything that could possibly go wrong.

*hugs Laura* It's not your fault sweetheart. None of that is. Try not to let it get to you?? Know it's easier said than done.

*Hugs Laura* Like Laura said try not to let it get to you :S It's really not your fault .

My name's Laura too is it now Mark? :P

*spies Nicole & April too*

Laura, sweetie, as Mark & Hels have said, none of that's your fault. Your little sister sounds like a bully... and a spoiled one at that (not liking a computer's looks so you get it?! wtf?!...). Sorry if that is out of turn, but couldn't help it, that's what it seems like to me. *gentle cuddles* And 45 minutes should be plenty of time to get ready - for anyone. I mean, sure, you could be USED to a longer time than that to get ready (but for the dentist's?! again, wtf??)... but 45 minutes is plenty.

Anyway. Sorry. I just hate seeing my friends being mistreated. :(

Am doing a little better. Eye twitch has only lasted 2 days, off and on, so I'm not going to worry about it for now. I guess. I'm really good at worrying though, hah. :-/

Jarrod's home now. Yey. :)

I got told to "%$*$ off" by someone on WoW so I reported them for spamming and now I'm scared that my account's gonna be suspended. :( I didn't say anything bad to them though or do anything against the rules, so I don't know why I'm worried. Guess just 'cause I'm good at it, as I said. Hah.

*hides in the warren and cries softly* :(

I'm sure your account won't be affected, hopefully their's will be :) *cuddles tight*

Heh sorry Helen I didn't even spot that until you pointed to out to me :P

April Don't worry about that WoW person , I'm pretty sure your account will be fine .

It's (Finally) Bedtime, almost 10pm Goodnight Ward Mates :)

Oh and I got through the whole day without S.I. despite being triggered , little victory :)

thats it. i made it one week self harm free :D

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY for Mark & Nicole - am proud of you both.
Night Mark xxx

:) thanks helen. *hugs* and i've met a girl online and im very attracted to her right now..... lol

*hugs Nicole* Oh check you out, get to know her etc first though won't you? :)